“Yes aunt Tisha, thank you. Thank you for saving us. Mama crazy.” He cried. “Yeah. Take us wit chu.” The smallest girl with long pigtails said as she grabbed the hand of the bigger girl with a cast on her arm, and the little curly haired boy with big brown eyes followed them as they all ran to me too.
In seconds I had all four of their tiny bodies along with the body of my own baby wrapped in my arms as I cried and vowed to always protect them. I quickly forgot all of the anger and hate I felt before even though I could still hear Terricka rage outside. Just to feel their love and need to be loved in return was enough to snap me back into the Tisha I had grown to be. “Go get my bag off the floor A’Miracle.” I said to my daughter as I carried the kids upstairs and to the little bathroom at the end of the hall.
A’Miracle was back at my side in seconds with the bag of clothes and underwear I had brought with me for the kids because I knew they would need them. We walked into the bathroom together and the horrible stench almost took my breath away. I quickly sat the two girls I still held in my arms down on the floor before I ordered A’Miracle and Rodney Jr. to take them to their room. “You guys go play for a while and let me clean up this bathroom. After that I will clean you all up then we will get out of here. Okay?” I said to the kids as I smiled and all of their faces lit up.
I watched them giggle and jump for a minute before they agreed and then ran off to the room. As soon as they were gone I lost that fake smile and began to cry again. I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone as I looked around the tiny bathroom with the same filth I was forced to clean all of my life. “Well, you know the drill Tisha.” I said to myself as I opened the linen closet behind the door and took out the unopened cleaning supplies.
I quickly fell into that clean and get it over with haze I used to have often as a kid whenever my mama would beat my ass or threaten me into cleaning up after her drug parties. I felt just like the ghetto Cinderella as I put on the yellow gloves I found and began to throw away the used condoms, maxi pads, and cigarette butts that littered the counter and floor.
“How can any mother let her children live this way.” I said out loud as I picked up razor blades and a loaded needle off the counter right next to my nephew’s Batman toothbrush. “I don’t know baby, but we will find out.” Jerrod said as he stepped into the bathroom behind me. In seconds Jerrod had on gloves and was elbow deep in filth as he helped me to clean the floor.
“Tisha me and Sha about to take Terricka away for a while and let her get her head together. Maine she really fucked up right now and I don’t think her kids should see her like this. I don’t think her crazy ass needs to be alone either so we just gonna go with her, get her sober and bring her ass back. She said something about going over her friend Sky house so that’s where we gonna take her. Okay?” Jerrod said as he swept up the last bit of trash on the floor and began to mop. I stepped back into the hallway and let him finish before I replied.
“Thank you baby, for all of this. Bring her back in one piece and sober because we gotta find a solution to this.” I said to my husband as he took off his gloves and pulled me into his embrace. “I got you baby, don’t worry. Just enjoy your time with the kids.” Jerrod said before he kissed my forehead, grabbed the trash, and disappeared down the hall.
Once he was gone I finished cleaning the bathroom before I ran a nice hot bath to put the girls in. I called them in and put them in the tub and was instantly taken aback but the amount of bruises and dirt that was on their bodies. I cried as I rang a rag over their old and fresh wounds and they told me how nice I was. After I bathed them, I got them dressed, and ran the boys water as I cursed Terricka for being so awful as a mother. Once their tub was filled I wondered out into the hall and walked into the boy’s room on my way to the girl’s to get them.
Their room was even worse than the pits of torture I lived in all of my life and that was really hard to beat. None of them had beds or even a dresser to put their clothes in, just mattresses on the floor and plastic bins. The little clothes they did have that looked like something were sprawled across the floor dirty and covered in stains, along with trash and what appeared to be human feces. I had to close my eyes and quickly leave the room before I went off again just seeing how my sister had let her kids live in deplorable conditions.
I held my breath and thought about how happy they would be once I got everything figured out as I went into the bathroom to get the boys out of the tub. Rodney quickly covered his privates with one hand when I walked in and used the other to grab his chest right below his collar bone. That made my heart flutter instantly so I walked over and removed his hand. He had a long, deep, red bruise on his chest like someone had burned him with something metal. I cried as I dried him off and put cream on the burn and he told me thank you.
“You don’t have to thank me baby, I’m your Te Te and I will love and protect you forever and ever.” I said as I whisked his frail body up into my arms and kissed him as I carried him into the girl’s room.
I stood there and watched them all play together like the had been around each other the entire time before I slipped off into Terricka’s room. Her room was no better than the kids but I did notice off the back that she had a bed, dresser, and TV in her room unlike the kids. I wanted to whoop her ass at that moment but I fought through my feelings as I waded deeper into the three inches of trash on the floor with my eyes fixated on a picture stuck to the mirror.
When I got closer I snatched the picture down and looked at the happy family we once were. It was a picture of us all when I was about seven and Sha was first born. We were all sitting in my grandma’s living room and my mother held Sha in her arms while she kissed him and looked as if she loved him more than anything in the world. I ran my fingers across the picture and touch me and Terricka’s happy faces and wished we could have that happiness again. “One day we will be happy again sister, I promise you. And I won’t give up until we do!” I said out loud to the Terricka in the picture before I stuck the it back where I found it and left the room.
On my way down the hall a red box in the toy bin in the corner caught my eye and I stopped to take it out. I plucked it up into my hands and walked towards the kid’s rooms as I opened it and looked inside. Inside was all of the works a junky might have from needles, to crack pipes, and a straw for snorting cocaine. I felt completely disgusted and scared for the kids as I sifted through the shit and thought about how tragic things could have been if one of the kids had found the box amongst their toys. Just the thought of one of my beautiful nieces or handsome nephews with that junk in their hands sent me into a rage and I rushed to the bathroom to dispose of the shit.
Inside the bathroom I crushed needles and crack pipes beneath my feet and flushed everything else in the box as I cried and saw resemblances of my own life. There I was, once again forced to clean up the mess of a dysfunctional mother not fit to care for a dog. I felt sick to my stomach as I watched all of the drugs go down the bowel then my anger sent me on a tirade again. I stormed out of the bathroom and down the hall towards the stairs ready to run down and call Jerrod to bring that bitch back so that I could fuck her up. However, as soon as I stepped close to the girl’s doorway the uncandid, fearful pleas of my sister’s kids filled my ears.
“I wonna go home wit chu Miracle. I like your mommy.” Talaya, the youngest said as her sisters and brothers joined in. “Yeah me too.” Tania said. “Me three.” Ryan repeated.” As A’Miracle laughed. “We all wonna go A’Miracle because our mommy mean and not clean like your mommy. She hit us all the time and do all kids of nasty stuff. Sometimes she won’t let us out the room and we never really eat. I’m so hungry right now I might die. I just wonna go with y’all.” Rodney Jr. said as my heart melted and they all agreed.
I stood there for a few more minutes as they continued to talk and my heart went from cold to warm as they explained the ups and downs of life with their mom. “Sometime her can be sooo nice though R.J.” Ryan said to his big brother.
“Sometimes her reads to us, take us to the park, and makes cheesy spaghetti we can eat with chips. Sometimes. But the sometimes she being mean happens most. I just wish it would stop so I could stay with mama cause I love her. Her just mean.” Ryan repeated as the other kids agreed and A’Miracle offered them all comfort.
After I heard Ryan talk about how much he loved his mom despite the fact that she was mean and how she would change between mean, and nice, my anger began to melt away as I thought about the inheritable disease Terricka clearly had. Once again Denise’s sins were our burdens to bear and I felt it was unfair if I punished Terricka for that. “Help your sister.” I heard Denise’s voice say as it rang in my ears and I looked around the dirty hallway then down the steps.
I knew right then that I was no better than the people who had failed us as kids, or those who had failed our mother for that matter if I got mad at Terricka, lashed out, or left. I knew that my sister was in fact possessed by something much stronger than her and that it was my duty to help. “I’m gonna help her Denise. I’m gonna do what you should have done when she was a little girl. I’m gonna love her unconditionally and never give up on her.” I said through my tears as I looked up at the ceiling.
I cried as I made my way back to the bathroom and grabbed up the cleaning supplies I had left behind. I decided I would clean the downstairs and then order in for me and the kids to get my mind off things. Once downstairs I got to work and zoned out to the Erykah Badu I had put on the radio. Before long I had cleaned the living room and kitchen from top to bottom and the pizza, wings, fries, and milkshakes I ordered were delivered.
After I called the kids down I sat all the food on the coffee table and put on a Despicable Me DVD. I plopped down on the now cleaner couch and waited on the kids as my phone vibrated and I looked at it to see a text from Jerrod.
We’re good baby be there soon. I love you.
Was the text I read before I replied and told him I loved him back. I sat my phone down just as the clean, happy kids ran downstairs and was blown away by the clean living room.
“Everything clean.” Tania said as she came over to the couch and plopped down beside me. “And she bought all this food. This must be our lucky day.” Rodney Jr. said as a tear fell from my eye.
“Can we eat some now?” Ryan asked me as he kneeled down at the table next to me and stared up at me with his big, beautiful, but sad eyes. I couldn’t hide my emotions as a tear fell from my eye and I got choked up as I tried to talk. I had to clear my throat and breathe deeply to keep my emotions at bay. “Of course you can eat baby. All of you can eat, and eat as much as you want.” I said as I watched them all dig in with their hands like they hadn’t eaten in months.
I sat there and watched them eat and smile at me the entire time as they joked and played like me and my siblings used to. Once dinner was over we all cuddled on the couch and watched movie after movie. Before long there was five sleeping babies all over me and I was covered in love. I felt at peace as I laid beneath them, but that all ended as soon as I heard the door knob turn.
My heart raced in my chest as I sat up and gently moved little bodies to the side. Part of me was afraid of the chaos that could ensue if Terricka still hadn’t snapped back into her right mind. Another part of me was anxious to get whatever was going to happen over with and move on to the next phase. I stood up on wobbly legs as someone put the key into the door and I watched the door knob began to turn again. As soon the door was unlocked it then flew open and I felt no anger, disappointment or fear. All I could feel was love and compassion as I stared into my sister’s sympathy and sober face.
Chapter 5
Never Ending Hurt
Terricka and I stood feet apart locked in our twin-like haze as Jerrod and Sha walked deeper into the apartment. I paid them no attention as they commented on the cleanliness of the apartment, kids, and how they were about to eat the rest of the food. Instead of making their greedy asses step away from the food like I normally would have, I kept my eyes locked on my sister as we talked to each other without words. I told her how much I loved her as tears fell from both of our eyes and I vowed to never give up on her. In those few moments of silence I looked into my sister’s heart and saw how desperately she wanted to break free. I saw something in Terricka’s eyes that I never saw in our mother’s and that was the genuine desire to change, which was all I needed to see.
“Come take a ride with me.” I said to my sister as I wiped away my tears and walked over to get the car keys from Jerrod. He smiled at me and then stood up to kiss my lips before he slipped the keys into my hand. “I admired you Mrs. Hill. And I love you!” Jerrod said before he kissed me again and I told him that I loved him too.
I nodded and smiled at Sha as he sat down on the floor and then winked his eye at me. When I turned back towards the door Terricka was gone so I walked out behind her. As soon as I walked out and closed the door my sister wrapped her arms around my neck and both of our emotions exploded.
“I’m so sorry TISHAAA. I’M SO SORRY. I don’t know sometimes sister; I just need help. I love my kids and I love you. Please don’t stop trying to help me. Don’t give up on me sister because without you I don’t know where I would be. Please Tisha. I just be so angry.” Terricka said as she cried like a baby and I matched her tears.
I wrapped my arms around her like she had done me all of our lives as we both stood out on the porch and cried. “I love you too sister, you know I do, Terricka we all we got. I’m sorry for leaving you and then coming back like I can save the world. I’m sorry sister. I just want you to be alright Terricka. You always been so strong sister, but I need you to know that it’s okay to be weak sometimes too. All of us need help sometimes sister and I promise I will be your help. I will do whatever I have to in order to make things right. I LOVE YOU TERRICKA.” I said as we both cried harder and swayed from side -to-side.
I closed my eyes and savored the moment as my sister clung on to me for dear life. I wasn’t sure how long her moment of clarity would last so I wasn’t ready to let her go. “Terricka, I saw Denise in a dream and she told me to help you. She told me that we had to let go of what happened because it had to be done. She forgives us sister so we have to forgive ourselves and let all of our pain go. Lord knows we’ve lived through hell, RIGHT HERE.”” I said through my tears as I stared at our childhood apartment over her shoulder. “But you know what sister? Right here has to be where we let go of this pain and start anew.” I said to Terricka as I held her out at arm’s length before I turned her towards the apartment.
“This is where we must leave everything that weighs us down T and start a new, better life. Our kids deserve that. Let me help you get into rehab and get some mental health T, because you suffer from bipolar disorder just like mama. Let’s be real Terricka. Let’s face this together and move on. Okay?” I said to my sister as she cried and I reached over to wipe away her tears.
“Okay Tisha, help me. Help me let this shit go and be alright again. Fuck this apartment where we lost so much. Fuck our pain. Our guilt. Fuck it all. I just want to end it all sister and finally be happy and free enough to run bare foot through a field of flowers with me some fine ass Mandingo.” Terricka said through her tears as she laughed and I joined in.
I felt my heart swell when my sister looked at me and her eyes twinkled. For a second I saw the old Terricka again and I had hope everything would be okay. “Alright nah. Talking about a damn Mandingo. Girrrllll. If he gives it to you, what you gonna do wit it?” I asked my sister as both laughed away our tears on our walk to my car.
Once we got inside of my car and pulled out of the lot I felt all of the tension and animosity that was a barrier between my sister and I disappear as she complimented me on the rental truck choice before she found a song on the radio. “Yeah, this is HOTT Tisha! I can’t wait to get myself together, get my kids on track, and then find me a man so we can rent fye ass whips like this whenever the fuck we want to. You living the life for real litt
le sister. That’s part of why I’m always so angry at you. Despite us both coming from the same fucked up place, you got everything.” My sister said as she looked at me with tears in her eyes and I glanced at her quickly before I looked back at the road.
“You got the education, the money, the beautiful, respectful daughter, and the devoted man. I guess I’ve been slick jealous that you have it all and I have nothing. You have everything I have ever wanted, but just couldn’t admit because I knew I would never get it. I mean, it’s not like a happy ending waiting around the corner for me. What nigga would want me all crazy and shit? What good nigga worth who’s worth something anyway? Nah, a bitch like me gonna be alone and miserable forever or have some nothing ass nigga like Vito.” Terricka said to me as she turned to look out at the sunset as it disappeared into the clouds.
I felt my sister’s pain at that moment because I knew that someone she wanted to run through a field of flowers with was Rodney Sr. Aka Buddy. I also knew the pain that comes along with love for someone you simply couldn’t be with. That’s the same pain I felt every day when Jerrod was gone. That was the same pain that I saw in my sister’s eyes and all I wanted to do was help her. I knew the turmoil losing Buddy had caused and I knew that all of that hurt had done nothing but exacerbate her condition and push her further over the edge. I also knew that I was the one who had to pull her back up.
I reached over and rubbed my sister’s arm as she turned around to stare at me with tears in her big brown eyes. I opened my mouth to offer her comfort, but as soon as I did my text notification went off and I grabbed my phone off the dash instead. As soon as I hit the message icon a long text from Jerrod came through and I quickly read it as I drove.
Tisha. I don’t know where y’all at or where y’all going, but just be careful because I heard Memphis is a war zone right now. And another thing, don’t mention Buddy at all to her cause she gonna go crazy. She tried to fight Sha when he asked about Buddy in the truck, then she made us drive around for an hour to look for him and when we couldn’t find him she wanted to fight Sha again. We finally got her to calm down when we got to her friend Sky house, that’s where she ate and got cleaned up. Maine she was crazy as fuck Tisha. More than usual. Anyway, just don’t mention the nigga at all to her. Don’t say Buddy, Rodney, or any names that begin with a B or R. lbvs!! In the meantime, I got my ear to the streets looking for the nigga. Love you BABY!
Sins of Thy Mother 4 Page 11