by Haemin Sunim
will each interpret it differently,
since their individual histories lead them to focus on different aspects.
* * *
*
Each of us has our own unique perspective.
Seen from it, everyone seems to be right.
But if we want to come to an agreement,
rather than asserting our own perspective,
we need to say:
“Your perspective reveals something
that I had been unaware of.
Tell me more, because I want to understand it.”
Instead of trying to persuade,
we should first try to understand the other person.
* * *
*
We hurt each other more often through ignorance
than through spite.
If we have hurt each other, say,
“I am very sorry and want to resolve this.
I must have misunderstood you.”
* * *
*
We often hurt people without knowing it.
Genuine repentance should be directed toward
not only those we have hurt knowingly,
but also the many we have hurt unwittingly.
* * *
*
The good driver sees the organic flow of all the cars on the road
and becomes one with the flow upon joining it.
The bad driver does not see this flow as a whole,
and thinks only of how he himself is driving.
* * *
*
When I feel compelled to interfere in someone else’s business,
I try to ask myself,
“Am I concentrating on the task I have been given?”
When my meditation practice is going well,
I am too busy looking within myself
to bother with other people’s affairs.
But when I cannot concentrate on my meditation practice,
my mind starts to wander and notice the faults in others.
And I soon see they are my own faults reflected back at me.
No one has asked me to focus my attention there.
In moments like this,
I recall my original intention of being a monk
and return to my practice.
Chapter Four
RELATIONSHIPS
Since the world is interconnected
and interdependent,
if one of us is in pain, we all feel it.
ON A ZEN RETREAT
UNLIKE IN AUGUST, when the autumn meditation retreat began, in September it was quite chilly in the morning and evening at Bongam Zen Monastery. During this retreat period, the monastery housed one hundred monks—slightly more than at normal times—who gathered to meditate for many hours, seated on cushions. At three o’clock every morning, we would get up, wash our faces, and then go to the Buddha hall for the early morning service. While walking to the Buddha hall, I would often be greeted by starlight streaming down from the clear night sky. The refreshing air of Mount Huiyang and the sound of the clear rapid water surrounding the monastery help monks stay alert to the here and now.
During this retreat period, I volunteered for gansang, which in Korean means arranging on the table the various dishes made in the kitchen for the formal monastic meal called baru gongyang. Since I was the most senior of the seven monks on the gansang team, I was asked to be the head. The other monks were sincere and diligent, and when the time came, we were able to carry out our duties well, in a spirit of harmony.
But while we were busy preparing for lunch, I was suddenly called by an older monk, who directed me to leave my team and sweep the outside steps leading down from the kitchen. The moment I heard his instructions, I began to wonder, why did such a task have to fall to our table-setting team? All of us were clearly busy with our own work; it was inconsiderate of the older monk to make us do this extra cleaning, too. And, of course, he would know that people don’t like to be told what to do outside their assigned job; if the state of the steps was such a bother to him, why pass the task on to others? He could have cleaned them himself!
After I had finished all the table-setting tasks for lunch, I swept the steps on my own, thinking that someone like this old monk, who dumped whatever tasks he didn’t like onto his juniors, should never have become a monk in the first place. But when I finished sweeping the steps, I realized that it had taken me less than five minutes. All that pointless anguish over such a simple task; I could have done it without getting so worked up. All of a sudden I was embarrassed.
* * *
*
WHAT DISTRESSES US IS LESS the circumstances we find ourselves in and more the energy we expend in resisting them. Once we actually do the work, we are often surprised that it was not as hard as we imagined it to be. But when we resist, we become preoccupied by an endless cycle of negative thoughts, and in turn feel harried and stressed.
Of course if someone continuously abuses your goodwill, you should express your feelings. But if you are dealing with a situation that you have no control over, or can’t do much to change, then it is better to suspend your internal monologue, which serves only to make you feel irritated and aggrieved. The eminent Zen master Seongcheol (1912–1993) taught us to attain inner peace by not feeding negative thoughts and learning to accept circumstances. We don’t need to suffer more by producing unnecessary thoughts.
* * *
*
I HAD ANOTHER SMALL REALIZATION in connection with the monastic meal. Unlike breakfast and lunch, dinner in the monastery is an informal meal, as some monks choose not to eat it, since it can make them drowsy for the evening sitting session. Because it is informal, we sit around simple four-legged tables in order of monastic seniority. This meant that every evening I had to sit opposite the same monk. Unfortunately he was not that friendly, always sitting with an expressionless face. At first I tried to draw him out with a few remarks and questions, hoping to establish a rapport. But he only ever gave the briefest replies to my questions and seemed to be annoyed by my conversation.
As the retreat continued, I would sit in total silence across from the monk, who was more impassive than anyone else at the dinner table. I was uncomfortable the whole time, wondering whether there was something in particular about me that he’d taken a dislike to. But about two weeks later I had a sudden realization—oddly enough, in the library.
* * *
*
THE LIBRARY AT BONGAM ZEN Monastery had been built just recently, so only one monk other than myself sought it out in the whole time I was there on retreat. And yet, even while sitting at the same long table, the two of us never so much as exchanged a single glance, much less spoke to each other. When I became aware of this, it struck me that, sitting impassive in the library, I must have looked no different from the monk who sat in silence across from me at every evening meal. And though I might have appeared indifferent or impassive to the monk in the library, this had nothing to do with anything bad I’d heard about him, or any antipathy on my part. I simply had given my full concentration over to the Buddhist texts I was reading; I was thinking absolutely nothing about that other monk, neither good nor bad. Wasn’t it likely, then, that the monk who ate dinner across from me also had no particular regard for me?
Three weeks into the retreat, the opportunity came about, quite by chance, to have tea with the monk who sat opposite me at each evening meal. Seeing him cut a slice of apple and place it in front of me, and address me with a peaceful smile on his face, my realization was confirmed. A person’s behavior might not be motivated by any particular thought or feeling, but still we make all kinds of assumptions, deciding, “This person must think x about me.” Even though these are just projections of our anxiety onto someone else, we teach ourselves to dislike and even h
ate them, firmly believing in the truth of our assumptions.
* * *
*
AFTER OUR GANSANG TEAM HAD finished cleaning up and putting bowls away after lunch, we took a leisurely stroll across a field of beautiful pine trees against the backdrop of scenic mountains. All of a sudden, a feeling of gratitude and peace came over me: I was free of thoughts and simply appreciated everything around me in that moment. Unlike the chilly September mornings, the daytime still held the warmth of late summer.
* * *
*
Living with family, friends, or roommates
can be as difficult as doing spiritual practice,
requiring you to act in consideration of others
by either renouncing or moderating your desires.
Not criticizing those who live a different way than you do
and making an effort to understand and accept them,
that, too, is an important part of spiritual practice.
* * *
*
There are times when you assume the worst
about someone and break off your relationship for good.
At such times, stop for a moment.
Fight the impulse to have the last word
and to make an irrevocable break,
lest you regret your decision, thinking,
“I should have kept my mouth shut.”
* * *
*
We all wish to belong.
It is through those who care deeply about us
that we find love and purpose in our lives.
After all, we are all imperfect beings who need one another.
* * *
*
If you’re really drawn to someone,
do not try to control them.
Just try to enjoy spending time together.
Only then will you be able to meet again.
When you do not try to possess someone
and just enjoy their company,
the connection endures.
* * *
*
It’s best for two people
to be equally drawn to each other.
If one person likes the other too intensely, too soon,
it can be scary, burdensome, or annoying.
* * *
*
Two people can have a great first impression of each other,
only for the relationship to quickly go bad.
Rather than having seen each other
for who they are,
they only saw a fantasy
that they projected onto each other.
* * *
*
If you have a friend whom you have
suddenly grown very close to, be careful!
If you make a mistake, such a friend
can easily turn into an enemy.
When you are so close
that you feel there is nothing you cannot say,
you can easily hurt each other.
* * *
*
If you suddenly become close to someone
and start spending a lot of time together,
you can come to dislike each other just as suddenly.
You may start to feel that
the other person is imprisoning you
or that they take you for granted.
It takes time to develop trust and affection.
Wait until you actually miss each other before meeting up again.
* * *
*
People who do not make an effort
to form or maintain a relationship,
thinking that it will happen if it’s meant to,
often remain single.
The person you are “destined” for
will not suddenly appear one day,
knocking on your door,
like in the French film Amélie.
One cannot become president
without campaigning,
even someone with a great chance of winning.
A good relationship will never come about without work.
* * *
*
You like someone,
but he doesn’t like you back;
he likes you, but you think he is just so-so;
you like each other, but those around you get in the way.
Having a relationship with someone is not easy.
But if you do not give up, and keep working at it,
at just the right season, the relationship will happen.
* * *
*
“Sunim, I finally figured it out.
The success rate for meeting the right person
is one in ten.
Only after you have met nine other people
does one appear who you like
and who also likes you back.”
* * *
*
Perhaps there is no such thing as a “soul mate.”
When you work hard to make your relationship work
and stay together for a long time,
then you each become the person you were meant to be with.
* * *
*
If there is someone you genuinely love,
whisper this to them this evening.
I love you more than myself.
I love you more than yesterday.
You are where my heart starts from each morning.
* * *
*
If you finally manage to meet up with someone
after trying for a week or a month,
the meeting will feel meaningful
in proportion to the time you had to wait.
In this fast-paced world, where so much gets done immediately,
when you have to wait long enough for anticipation to build,
the moment with that person will be very special.
* * *
*
If you really like someone,
you do not offer the excuse that you are busy.
No matter how busy you are,
you still make time.
If he constantly makes excuses,
let him go.
You deserve better than him.
* * *
*
After every date, do you feel a little hurt?
Why do you think that is?
Maybe because you like him more than he likes you?
If that is the case, then distance yourself from him
and turn your attention to your own work.
If it is a true relationship, he will come back to you.
* * *
*
There is nothing more foolish
than obsessing over someone who doesn’t like you
and believing you can change that person’s mind.
Please, let the person go.
If you do,
someone else will come into your life.
* * *
*
It was very painful to break up with him, right?
But, looking back at it with a clear head,
you knew from the start
that he was not a good match.
* * *
*
The more expectations you have for a relationship,
the more likely it is to go awry.
When a relationship feels difficult, examine it closely.
Might it be that one of you is expecting too much?
* * *
*
If you are going to think,
“Why don’t they do for me as much as I have done for them?”
&n
bsp; then do not do it in the first place.
Or give only so much that you won’t expect
something in return.
If you feel the need to have a gesture reciprocated,
the relationship will start to feel uncomfortable.
* * *
*
We can get hurt by our family and friends
because we rely on them excessively,
or are overly involved in their lives.
Demanding too much, or having too much
demanded of you, is not healthy.
A relationship has to be tended to like a fire:
If someone comes too close, tell her to take a step back.
* * *
*
Obsession feels a lot like love.
But of course it is not love.
With obsession, unlike with love,
you feel the subtle selfish desire
to manipulate the other person
according to your wishes.
While love lets the other person be,
obsession wants control.
* * *
*
When a problem comes up in a relationship,
don’t just grit your teeth and bear it.
Acknowledge that the other person can be different from you,
and allow them to be.
Even siblings who have grown up in the same house
have different viewpoints and habits.
Do not just tell them to adjust to you;
make room for difference.