by Haemin Sunim
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At first you found him interesting
and even exciting because he is different from you.
Now that difference is precisely
what makes your relationship hard, isn’t it?
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You have come to hate
the one you used to love so much.
At such a moment, recognize
how fleeting love is,
how slippery are the whims of our heart,
how conditional love can be.
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Remember this:
What heart-throbbing love brings with it—
hatred and jealousy, longing and sadness,
even loathing and regret—
are all just passengers on the same ship.
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How someone speaks
about the other relationships they’ve had
before meeting you
tells you how they will speak
about you to other people
whenever your relationship hits
even a small bump in the road.
Do not think of yourself as a crescent moon,
waiting for someone else to fill in the missing part of you.
When you stand alone like a full moon, already
complete in yourself,
you will meet another person who is whole and
complete just like you,
and between you two, a healthy relationship can grow.
Do not try to fit yourselves to each other
to make one whole moon.
Instead, be more like two full moons.
You’ll respect each other’s individuality and interests
while creating a relationship in which each of you
shines brightly on the other.
DEALING WITH DISAPPOINTMENT
MANY PEOPLE ANSWER THE QUESTION “What is the most difficult thing in life?” with “Relationships.” Since it takes two people to make a relationship work, and a relationship can easily be disrupted by third parties, relationships are tricky things to nurture. In my own experience, even relationships that were strong for a long time seemed to suffer when, unbeknownst to myself, I started to feel disappointed in the other person. Whenever I feel disappointed, if I don’t address the feeling, it always comes back to harm the relationship. In other words, a feeling of disappointment is like a warning light, telling me that if I don’t do something about it, the relationship could fail.
But unlike other emotions, disappointment is very tricky to express: It comes out as petty and small-minded, whereas if I keep it bottled up, it only gets worse. All of which makes it difficult to act either way. If we are depressed, we can at least say so and ask for help. Similarly, if we feel sad, we can cry. But if we are disappointed, the feeling is harder to express because we have to explain it to the person who has disappointed us.
People who come to me for advice on this describe their experience of disappointment in various ways. When parents fail to keep a promise, their children feel disappointed—say, if their father was supposed to take them out to play or come to a school performance, but he forgot. Many fathers I’ve spoken with have shared their feelings of disappointment upon being treated like they are invisible by their wives and children. The same feelings arise in a wife when her husband does not take her side in a disagreement with her in-laws or friends. A young man or woman in a relationship can feel disappointed when the partner who has been so attentive gradually becomes halfhearted, not even responding when spoken to. Office workers can feel disappointment, too, when colleagues or subordinates do not respect their ideas, or when a boss does not say anything about a project they’ve worked overtime on.
Our feelings of disappointment stem from having expectations of another person that go unfulfilled. Such expectations are often unspoken, and yet we wish that people would somehow figure them out based on nonverbal clues and fulfill them for us. When they’re not met, we become frustrated and want to shout, “Do I have to spell it out every time? Why can’t you figure out what I want by looking at me and my circumstances?” But of course it is difficult to know exactly what someone else expects if they haven’t told us. Without the power of telepathy, how can we know what someone else is expecting?
If we do not express our feelings of disappointment, they will start to build up and transform into more difficult emotions, such as anger, hurt, or even betrayal, and we may come to hold a grudge. So it is best to share your disappointment, rather than leaving it to build up inside you. And when you express it, you should be careful not to do so in a way that is aggressive or critical of the other person, or when the other person is angry. Instead, wait until both of you are calm and composed, and talk about only how you feel right then, not what was done or said many years ago. It can feel awkward at first, but after a bit of practice you will be able to stop repressing these feelings, and speak calmly without damaging your relationship.
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FINALLY, if you seem to have feelings of disappointment more often than others, it is time to look more closely at yourself. When you feel disappointed, and you see it’s because you expected something from someone else, consider why it is that you often rely on others to make you happy. Why is your self-reliance so low? Does it maybe relate to how you were brought up, or to a past trauma? Do you have a strong need for approval or attention from others? If you often feel disappointed in yourself, ask why you hold yourself to such a high standard. Are your expectations reasonable? When you understand yourself better, you might find it easier to deal with disappointment, and to accept and love yourself.
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Try to share your true feelings.
Even if the other person is hurt at first,
eventually she will be grateful to know the truth.
The truth is freeing
to both the one who expresses it
and the one who hears it.
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True friends and good colleagues
are not those who say only pleasant things to you.
When it’s clear you have made a mistake,
they will tell you that you are at fault.
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Do not complain that someone has not
accommodated your every desire.
The real problem may be your expectation
that others must adapt to you.
The person who always adapts to you?
There is no such saint in the world.
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Much of the stress in relationships
comes from the lack of communication.
If you stop talking to each other,
your hearts will grow distant,
and you will misunderstand each other.
In your relationships with family, partners, and friends,
however angry you may be,
do not let the rope of conversation
go slack for very long.
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There are times when someone wants to talk
and you give them the cold shoulder.
But the longer this goes on,
the more it exacerbates the problem.
And there are times when you deliberately
avoid talking to someone,
but they don’t even notice.
Ultimately you are the only one who suffers.
For your own sake, start talking.
The silent treatment rarely works.
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A good job and money are important to our well-b
eing.
But when our relationships are harmonious,
and we feel appreciated and accepted,
that is when we feel most peaceful and content.
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We often feel happiest when we forget ourselves.
When we feel grateful for someone,
we think about that person, not so much about ourselves.
When we most enjoy dancing, we lose ourselves in it.
But when we are constantly thinking about ourselves,
we become overly self-conscious and even egotistical.
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Recall one person whom you were grateful to recently.
Send her a thank-you email or text message right now.
While you write it,
you will notice your heart feels warm and happy.
And if you wait a little,
you will soon receive a reply
that will be sure to make you smile.
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If you buy a new year’s calendar or diary,
write the name of each person
you are close to next to their birthday.
And when their birthday comes,
contact them to wish them well.
The root of happiness
lies in deep and lasting relationships.
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I don’t think life has something grand in store for me.
Everyday interactions with people
are the very stuff of my life.
And so I have to treat those around me as precious,
because other than myself,
they are the main characters in my life story.
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Ultimately we desire to go beyond our ego,
and to feel at one with the universe.
That’s why sharing makes us happy—
it increases our feeling of connection.
So if you want to be happier and more connected,
instead of accumulating things, let them circulate back
into the universe and see what happens.
Something new and good will flow back to you.
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If you want to excel in a relationship,
the way to do so is very simple:
Give more than you receive.
The more we receive, we can’t help but
feel grateful and like the person.
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If you want a more harmonious relationship,
stop monitoring who owes what.
If you constantly think,
“Why did they not give me as much as I gave them?”
you are constantly impeding
the natural flow of your relationship.
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Before asking someone for a favor,
a wise person thinks about
how to help that person first.
A foolish person asks a favor thoughtlessly.
He talks about powerful people he knows,
or tries to make you feel a sense of obligation,
or else he simply begs again and again.
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If someone did not ask for your help,
do not try to solve her problem for her.
Though your intention may be good,
you risk taking control away from her
and injuring her self-esteem.
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When a family conflict comes up,
don’t take sides;
just listen to what both sides have to say.
Otherwise you will only make the problem worse
and risk hurting a family member without meaning to.
If your current circumstances are stressful,
try visualizing this:
Your circumstances are a hurricane,
and you are the eye of the storm.
Do not get swept away by the storm.
Follow the wisdom
emanating from the storm’s peaceful eye.
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The reason we think we are better than others
is that inferiority still lurks within us.
A sense of superiority exists
because of a sense of inferiority.
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In the course of our lives, we meet people
who aggravate our sense of inferiority:
the friend with a more successful career,
the colleague with a better education and looks,
the in-laws with a lot more money.
But look beyond these externals.
People who seem better off
have other difficulties,
brought on by the very things
you envy them for.
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Someone’s true self cannot be known
by the things that are easy to judge,
like physical appearance, academic degree, job title, etc.
Those things don’t tell us whether someone is
humorous, kind, considerate, good at keeping promises,
generous toward subordinates or those less fortunate.
Only when we know these kinds of things
can we come to understand who they really are.
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You can impress someone with words at first,
but without actions to back them up,
the good feeling cannot last.
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Who is an unfortunate person?
One who looks at other people and sees only their flaws.
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If you listen to someone tell a story about someone else,
in many cases more is revealed about the speaker than
the one they are speaking about.
Of all the attributes that make up a person,
they are speaking of the one that captured their attention.
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If someone who has never met you
says this and that about you,
tossing off observations quite easily,
then it’s clear what is really happening:
They are just projecting.
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When we tried to talk critically
about someone whom everyone at the meeting knew,
an elder monk stood up and said:
“What is the point of talking about someone who is not here?”
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There are times when a story
that begins, “This is a secret . . .”
is not really a secret, or not your secret to tell.
If it’s the former, then you are hoping to win
the confidence of your listener.
If the latter, then you must want to feel
the pleasure of disclosure.
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When you are with one friend,
you end up gossiping about celebrities;
with another, you speak about money;
with another, politics;
and with yet another, spirituality.
This is because, rather than
“you” being something fixed,
you change moment to moment,
depending on whom you are with.
In light of this,
cultivate a deeper con
nection with those people
in whose company you like yourself best.
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Sushi tastes better with a cup of green tea.
But if you eat it with Coca-Cola,
it doesn’t taste as good.
The right combination is a key to success.
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When you have experienced something deeply unfair,
make a formal complaint at least once, if not twice,
so that it won’t happen to other people.
And then let the whole thing go, as quickly as possible.
But if you hold on to the memory of it,
you may let new opportunities and experiences pass you by.
With a new heart, focus on the present, not the past.
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Relationship problems are difficult to resolve.
He is unlikely to change to suit you;
she won’t be quick to forgive
all the accumulated hurt.
It seems all we can do
is try to understand the other person—
the circumstances we weren’t aware of
that make them act the way they do.
The problem doesn’t go away
as soon as you figure things out,
but as you come to some degree of understanding,
you discover your own heart,
softer and more open than before.
Chapter Five
COURAGE
When the waves of an ordeal roll in,