For the life of me, though, I couldn’t recall any conversations with Rachel in which we’d discussed our feelings. I hadn’t thought anything of it because we’d been comfortable and happy. We hadn’t needed a conversation. Or so I’d thought. Now I wondered if our breakup could have been prevented with something as simple as a conversation.
I didn’t know. As soon as I’d realized there was a problem, I had apologized, but she’d refused to talk to me about it. I’d been shouldering the blame for everything, but for the first time, I realized that it might not be all my fault. Okay, so it was mostly mine, but not all.
Eli stood, and I followed suit. “If you care about her, don’t give up just yet. That’s the point of my visit. Just make sure you figure out your shit before you talk to her again. I don’t want to have to threaten to beat you up if you hurt her because that would just end up embarrassing for me.” He motioned to the height and size difference between us.
Funny. But I wasn’t in the mood for laughing. “She won’t talk to me.”
“Yeah, well, she comes by that honestly. It’s kind of a female Byrne thing. Rachel has many fine qualities, but this is not one of them. Again, I’m her brother, so I can say that.”
“Noted.”
“I should go.”
I held out my hand. “Thanks for coming by.” He’d given me a lot to think about.
“No problem.” He grimaced, making me wonder if he actually had more to say. I felt the tiny flame of hope start to falter as I braced myself for the bad news part of his visit. “If it’s not too much trouble, could you give me a ride back to campus? The bus schedule is shit in the summer.”
My shoulders relaxed. “Let me grab my keys.”
***
Rachel
I STARED AT the email on my phone telling me a deposit had been made into my checking account. “Damn it.”
“What?” Katie asked. We were at the school bookstore, trying to beat the rush in buying fall textbooks.
“Jake paid me for the entire week last week. I only drove Ashley to drama, so he shouldn’t have paid me that much.” I hadn’t expected to get paid at all. I’d driven Ashley because I hadn’t wanted her to miss out simply because I had ended things with her brother.
“Maybe it’s a bonus.”
I rolled my eyes. “It’s not a bonus.”
“Why don’t you ask him?” Katie put a finger to her chin. “Oh, wait. Because that would require an actual conversation with him.”
My, isn’t my bestie being sassy today?
“That’s not helpful. I’ll just send it back to him. Write him a check.”
“Seriously, Rachel?” Katie seemed annoyed, which was backward. I was the one who should have been annoyed because she was not being sympathetic to my current dilemma.
“What the hell, Katie? If you want to say something, just say it.”
“Okay, since you’ve given me permission.”
As if she would need that anyway. My comment simply expedited the process. She took a deep breath, a sure sign that a lecture was coming. Shit.
“You let Asshole Adam treat you like shit for two years, and he never once apologized for it. Yet you took him back again and again. Jake messes up, apologizes, and you won’t even talk to him? I don’t get it.”
I gaped at her. “You don’t have to get it.” And I didn’t want to try explaining it because when she put it like that, I felt like an idiot.
“Uh, yeah, I do, because I live with you, and you’ve been sad and mopey ever since you broke up with him.” She sighed. “That’s bitchy of me, but I want my happy roommate back for both our sakes. Jake makes you happy. Ergo…” She made a sweeping motion with her hands.
“It’s not that simple.”
“Only because you won’t let it be. I just want to understand why Adam got unlimited passes and Jake doesn’t even get one.”
“Because I didn’t care about Adam.”
“But you care about Jake?” At my nod, Katie shook her head. “That’s totally backwards. You know that, right?”
It made sense in my mind, but I couldn’t find the words to explain it to her. That was becoming a theme—a bad one. I’d thought my decision to part with Jake had been logical, so why couldn’t I explain it?
“Wait…” Katie said slowly. “You’re scared. Adam was safe because you weren’t emotionally invested, but with Jake—”
“Hold on.” I put my hand up as a text came through from Ashley.
Ashley: Where are you? 911!
My fingers flew across my phone.
Rachel: What’s wrong?
When I didn’t get a reply after ten seconds, I hurriedly called her. “Pick up, pick up,” I muttered.
“What is it?” Katie asked.
“Ashley texted me 9-1-1. It wouldn’t surprise me if she was just being dramatic, but—hello? Ashley?”
“Ohmigod, Rachel, I didn’t know who else to call!” She sounded hysterical. My heart started pounding, and my gut clenched.
“What is it? What’s wrong?”
“It’s Emily. She’s throwing up blood! I don’t know what to do.”
Oh shit. Oh no. Don’t panic. You can’t help if you panic.
“Did you call Jake?”
“Yes, but he’s not answering. Carson picked him up earlier. I don’t know where they went. We don’t know what to do. Can you come?”
I motioned for Katie to follow me out of the store. She put the book she’d been carrying on the shelf and followed me toward the exit. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.” I ended the call. “You’ve got to take me to Jake’s. Emily is throwing up blood. Do you know anything about that?”
We climbed into Katie’s car. “Not really, but don’t panic. Ashley might be exaggerating. We’ll assess when we get there and take her to urgent care if we need to.”
“Okay.” I tried to remain calm. Having watched kids for years, I had dealt with illnesses before, but never anything as serious as vomiting blood. I typed a search for it in my phone.
Katie blocked my phone screen with her hand. “Don’t do that.”
She was probably right. Reading about ailments online could convince a person they had the plague instead of the common cold. But throwing up blood was nothing to mess around with. Shit. Emily must be so scared.
The six minutes it took to get to the house were the longest in my life. When we arrived, I was out of the car before Katie had shifted into Park. Not bothering to knock, I tried opening the front door, but it was locked. I pounded on the door. “It’s Rachel! Open up!” I pounded again.
When the door opened, I nearly fell into the entryway. But it wasn’t Ashley who opened it. It was Jake. I’d never been so relieved.
“Thank God you’re home,” I said. “How’s Emily?”
His expression was bewildered. “Fine,” he said slowly.
“Is she still throwing up blood?” I was out of breath, and my heart was still pounding. Jake was calm, so the answer to my question must have been “no,” but I had half a mind to push him aside to go see Emily for myself.
His face twisted. “What?”
“Ashley called me and…” My heart finally slowed to a near-normal rate as the girls appeared behind their brother. Looking guilty, Emily peeked out from behind Ashley, who had her arms crossed and a defiant expression on her face.
Jake looked back at them and then to me. “Why don’t you come in?”
My mind was reeling, and I felt numb. I robotically walked into the house.
“I’m coming too,” Katie said from behind me. “I want to be here for this.” Once inside, she sat on the couch and pulled her legs up under her. She looked at us expectantly, waiting for the show. It might have been funny if I hadn’t just lost years of my life to panic.
“Ashley, explain,” Jake barked.
“It was my idea,” Emily spoke up. “When Eli was here—”
“Wait,” I said. “Eli was here?”
“Oops. Yeah. Eli came o
ver the other day.”
I was going to have words with my brother. Words with a capital W.
Jake crossed his arms. “What does that have to do with today?”
Emily tucked her hands behind her and rocked back on her heels, not meeting her brother’s gaze. “We might have overheard your conversation. You told Eli that Rachel wouldn’t talk to you. So we came up with a plan to make her talk to you.”
Oh… my… God. I’d bought it—hook, line, and sinker. I stared at Ashley, who looked super proud of herself.
“I guess those drama classes paid off,” she said smugly.
Katie burst out laughing then clapped a hand over her mouth. “I’m sorry. That was inappropriate.”
“Let me get this straight.” Jake pinched the bridge of his nose. “You called Rachel and lied to her about an emergency so she would rush over.”
“Exactly. You’re welcome.”
“You are so grounded,” Jake said.
Ashley gasped. “But—”
“Emergencies are nothing to lie about. I don’t care how good your intentions are.”
Katie stood. “Well, that’s true. My sister, Kassidy, used to lie all the time. Why don’t I tell the two of you all about the trouble it got her in? And you two”—she gestured to Jake and me—“can talk.” She ushered the girls out of the room. As they got farther down the hallway, I heard her say, “Good work, girls.”
I mentally added Katie to the list of people I needed to have Words with. If I didn’t know better, I would think my bestie had been in on Ashley and Emily’s scheme. She’d seemed as genuinely concerned as I had been, but she was a former actress who still had some acting chops. I’d been fooled by what I now realized was a subpar performance by Ashley, so it wouldn’t take much for Katie to fool me. I shook my head as I realized how easily I’d been tricked.
And it was kind of mean too. I’d lost a gallon of sweat on the way over, and they had probably given me my first gray hair. But they’d been successful because there I was, standing across from Jake.
He and I stood on opposite sides of the living room. He wore his home uniform of athletic shorts and a T-shirt, looking as toned and gorgeous as ever. The TV was tuned to ESPN but was on mute, and his laptop sat open on the couch. With a pang, I remembered all the lazy afternoons we’d spent together.
“You shouldn’t have paid me for last week,” I blurted out. “I didn’t earn that money. I only drove Ashley a few times.”
“You deserve it,” he said. “You did so much more than we originally agreed on.” He sounded so sad.
My immediate instinct was to wrap my arms around him. Instead, I wrapped my arms around myself. “I wanted to do it.”
“I’m glad to hear that.” His expression was pained. “I never meant to take you for granted, but I did. You handled everything so effortlessly that I didn’t even realize all you did until you weren’t doing it anymore.”
“You’re welcome.”
He sighed. “See? There I go fucking up again. I didn’t even say ‘thank you,’ but you know that was what I was getting at, right? I recently learned that I’m not the best with words.”
“Actions speak louder than words,” I whispered. I didn’t know why that had popped into my head, but it seemed appropriate.
“Exactly.” Jake stepped closer, though there were still several feet between us. “And what did I expect when neither my actions nor my words told you how much you mean to me?”
“I don’t know about that.” I thought back to all the caring things he’d done, like changing my tire even when I was being a complete bitch to him and arranging to take me onto the football field and overnight to Roanoke.
“It wasn’t enough, or you would have stayed.”
I covered my eyes with my hand as the pressure mounted in my chest. He was right. “I’m sorry.” I was sorry that it hadn’t worked out, but more than that, I was sorry that I’d run at the first sign of trouble. I hadn’t been willing to talk about the problem or try to fix it when he so obviously wanted to.
“No.” He took my free hand in his. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I can’t tell you how sorry I am about what I said before you went home with Eli. I was overwhelmed, and I took it out on you. That’s not how you should treat people you love.” He grasped my other hand and pulled it away from my eyes. I looked at him, but his face was blurry through my tears. “I’m putting it all out there, Rachel, and you can decide what you want to do with it. I love you. I’m not the best at expressing it, but it’s true. Football has been my dream since I was a kid, and I don’t want to give up my shot with that. Ben, Ashley, and Emily need me, and that’s not going to change anytime soon. I want you in my life. I want to put you first, but I can’t promise I can do that all the time. I understand if that’s not enough for you.”
“You love me?”
“I do, Rachel. I love you. I hope you’ll let me prove it to you.”
I let him keep possession of my hands, but I closed my eyes. My head was swimming, and my chest felt like it would burst. He loves me. And I love him. Is that enough for me?
Jake had screwed up. And he might screw up again. Heck, I might be the one who screws up next. Life was messy, and love was even messier. It should come with forgiveness.
What’s holding me back? I tried to think back to all the reasons I’d laid out to Eli. Suddenly, none of them seemed to make sense. Was it such a bad thing to follow in the Byrne women’s footsteps and care for people if it genuinely made me happy? If I wanted to do it, then I wasn’t sacrificing anything. I’d wanted to put myself first, but being with Jake made me happy. That was putting myself first.
All of my reasons for staying away from Jake seemed stupid, and that was why it had been so hard—because I had no reason to keep my distance other than my fear.
My chest was so tight, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My future was in front of me, holding my hands. I just had to be brave enough to lean into it.
“I love you,” I said. “So much.” And just like that, I could breathe again.
EPILOGUE
Jake
THE MOMENT THE doors opened, I was overwhelmed by the smell of cat and a feeling of regret. What have I let Ashley talk me into?
“We don’t have any kittens at the moment,” the animal shelter volunteer told us.
“That’s okay,” Ashley replied. “I want to adopt an adult cat because they have a harder time finding homes.” She beamed at Rachel, who nodded at her with an expression of pride. To say Rachel was a positive influence on her was an understatement.
“But we want a girl,” Emily chimed in.
“We have plenty of girls. Any other preferences?”
“It’s not too late to get a goldfish,” I interjected. My comment was met with looks of disdain by all three of my girls. And hell, even the volunteer shot me a wry look. Guess I’ll keep my mouth shut. Ben was lucky that he got to stay home, but I had to go to fill out the adoption paperwork. And I also didn’t want to miss it. Ashley and Emily had talked about nothing else all week. They’d totally taken advantage of how happy I was to be back with Rachel when they’d gotten me to agree to get a cat. They were turning out to be quite the manipulative pair.
I slipped an arm around Rachel. I was happier than I’d ever been, so if getting a cat would make my sisters happy, then I was all for it. I was such a sap, but I just wanted everyone I cared about to be happy.
We paused in front of several cages, but while the girls oohed and ahhed over the animals, they didn’t seem overly excited about any of them.
“What about the cat room?” Rachel asked. “Can we go in there?”
“Of course.”
“Cat room?” I whispered. “What’s that?”
She grinned. “You’ll see.”
It was exactly what it sounded like—a room with dozens of cats. Playful ones batted at feathered toys on the ground. Lazy ones lounged in cat trees. Other ones scratched at the roped paneling that covered the b
ottom half of the wall.
“These animals are our most socialized ones,” the volunteer explained. “They get along with people and other animals.”
“Was Princess Buttercup in one of these rooms?” I asked Rachel.
She pursed her lips. “What do you think?”
“That would be a big, fat no.”
The girls spent the next twenty minutes playing with and petting cats. Hell, even I got in on it. “What about this one?” I asked, scratching the ears of a fat gray cat, who kept stretching her neck so my fingers would dig in deeper. Her purring was intense, and I wasn’t afraid to admit that it was also gratifying.
“That’s Dumpling,” the volunteer said. “Adoption is pending for her.”
Damn if I wasn’t a little disappointed.
“Ooh… what about these?” Emily stood next to two cats who were curled around each other in a small hammock that was hanging from the ceiling. One was black with white splotches, and the other was white with black splotches.
I stepped closer to take a look. “Huh.” It looked like their markings were about the same, except in opposite colors. What are the odds of that? “Which one?”
Ashley picked up the white one. “Aww… she’s pretty.”
The black one had rolled over and was letting Emily rub its belly. “She’s pretty too.”
“Actually, that’s a boy,” the volunteer said. “Those two are brother and sister.”
“I want this one,” Ashley said. “Look at this spot on her head. It looks like she’s wearing a bow.”
Rachel leaned down to inspect. “Aww, it does. How cute.”
“Okay,” I told the volunteer. “It looks like we have a winner.”
“Jake.” Emily looked up at me with her big brown eyes. “Can’t we get both?”
Christ. “We agreed to get one cat.” I turned to Rachel for support, but she simply shook her head, staying out of the debate. I pulled my gaze away from Emily. I couldn’t resist her when she pulled the big-eye routine, and she knew it.
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