Parenting with Sanity & Joy
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Talk about gift-getting
If half your life is spent on picking up, sorting, and storing toys, your child may have enough of them. Before your son’s birthday party invitations go out, assess with him whether he would like to do gifts differently this time. Some gifts can be donated to a homeless shelter. Or he can tell party guests he’s raising money for a local charity and ask them to bring a donation ($7 for a 7-year-old!). Do not force your children to forego the gifts, but offer them the opportunity to experience how giving can be 100 times more satisfying than receiving.
Our Family Would Like to Help:
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Engage in family service projects
Doing service as a family creates connection and closeness. It feels good to help other people, and it feels good to grow up in a family that does it together. Aside from instilling social consciousness and providing for those in need, service work opens your child’s heart in a way few other things can. Find a local community organization to support. Engage children in the discovery. You can serve meals at a shelter or descend on an elderly neighbor’s weedy lawn. There is no shortage of ways to help. And, there are no limits to the benefits of offering service.
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Schedule family donation time
Set aside a few times throughout the year, perhaps at the end of each season, to gather old clothes, linens, toys, and any other items you want to discard, and donate the gently-used items to a local charity. Each family member should find at least a few items of their own to contribute. This is a good way to clean out closets, drawers, toy chests, garages, cabinets, everything! Clothes that are no longer worn, toys no longer played with, items with missing lids—get rid of them. Sometimes you even find things you were looking for or things you forgot you had.
How we help at home:
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Replace chores with contributions
One easy way to make chores not seem like such a chore is to stop calling them that. Instead, they become family contributions. Teach your 2-year-old to collect dirty clothes into a basket. Have your 7-year-old water the plants. Explain to the kids that you are all on the same team working for household success. Be a cheerleader rather than a drill sergeant. When kids are pitching in—no matter what size the contribution—life skills are learned, families grow closer, and it is another inoculation against the entitlement epidemic.
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Smile big and often
Smiling is not only a result of happiness, some research suggests it may also be the cause. When you smile, you’re apt to be less stressed, less bothered by what is going on around you, and probably more likely to be heard by your child. Your tone changes when you are smiling; your child can hear the difference, and it sets the tone for the energy in your home. Smiling is easy, free, and infectious. Go ahead. Make your day!
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Teach and model gratitude
Studies show people who feel gratitude are less depressed, better able to handle stress, and more optimistic. Tell your children what you feel grateful for. Regularly. Don’t just leave this for Thanksgiving. Some days it may just be gratitude for whoever invented mint toothpaste or chocolate. An attitude of gratitude lets your child go through life looking for what is awesome. How awesome is that?
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Practice random acts of kindness together
Look for opportunities to perform random acts of kindness in front of your kids and encourage them to do the same. Help someone cross the street, hold open a door, say something nice to a stranger. Without making it too big a deal, talk about what it felt like to do something nice and unexpected. Talk about what they imagine the other person felt like. And, if someone holds a door open for you, take a moment to mention how it made you feel. “I love when that happens!” sends a loud and clear message to kids how easy it is to be kind and how much it is appreciated.
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
—Calvin Trillin
CHAPTER 6
FOOD AND DINING
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Branch out from the kids menu
Use restaurant meals to help your child develop a taste for new foods. If your son insists on the mac and cheese from the kids menu, make a rule that he needs to taste something from the grown-up menu, too. If your daughter doesn’t care for something, ask her why. It might be the texture, or the sauce, or something entirely different. Let kids know there are lots of options beyond chicken fingers.
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Let kids order their own meals
Telling a waitperson what he would like to have for dinner allows your child to practice many skills: speaking to grown-ups they don’t know, using “please” and “thank you,” advocating on their own behalf, maintaining eye contact, asking questions if they are unsure about something. Restaurants are a safe, low-pressure environment where you can easily come to the rescue in a face-saving manner if things go awry.
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Keep cookies around
Kids like to be places where there are good snacks. Having something fun to nibble on is a way of making your kids’ friends feel welcome. If you are a family that does not typically do cookies or junk food, keep a guest stash of snacking options that won’t make eyes roll. Not everyone wants to nibble on quinoa squares. Crazy, but true.
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Have kids prepare their own meals
Spreading peanut butter on bread, pouring a bowl of cereal, or rinsing off an apple are good for starters and make your kids feel capable. Having a repertoire that includes more than ripping open a bag of chips gives them more freedom and independence (and healthy choices) around after-school snacks. It’s never too early for a child to start learning his way around food. Plus, the more competent your child is in the kitchen, the more appetizing breakfast in bed will be on your birthday!
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Avoid turning food into a control issue
If your child refuses to eat a meal, you do not need to make them eat. They will eat at the next meal. Skipping a meal is no big deal. If your daughter is hungry, let her make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for herself. For young children, this is one of the few areas where they have control and they will begin to learn that they have the ability to prepare simple meals or snacks for themselves. Power struggles around food and eating are something you want to avoid. Try and keep meals about connecting as a family; do not make food and mealtime a war zone.
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Be a role model with your own eating habits
If you do not want your kids to eat standing at the counter or picking the crumbs off the coffee cake, do not let them see you do it. Ditto if you do not want them to eat the exact same thing for every single meal. Overeating, undereating, picky eating, speed eating—they are going to learn a lot from you. What sort of food role model are you?
Some Dinner Topics:
What are you grateful for today?
What would you like to do this weekend?
Who do you admire and why?
Where in the world would you like to go?
Tell me a funny story.
What made you smile today?
What is your favorite family memory?
If you could have anything in the world, what would it be?
What are you most afraid of?
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Have family dinner often
Family dinners are linked to everything from higher self-esteem to lower incidences of substance abuse. If you or your partner work too late to make this realistic, maybe try a family milk and cookies before bedtime. Or a family breakfast a few times a week. Coming together regularly, all of you, sets family time as an important commitment. Even if it seems inconvenient, kids grow to value this stabilizing ritual in their lives.
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Have kids participate in meal prep and clean-up
Peeling carrots. Setting the table. Pouring water. Clearing dishes. Fill
ing the dishwasher. There is practically no end to what your child can help you with. It doesn’t need to be a big something, but it should be a regular something. Teach your child early that meals don’t just happen and many hands make light work. Helping allows kids of all ages to feel useful and important. It also teaches kids that being helpful is awesome.
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Use the 80/20 rule
Do not create a life of stress around food. Eighty percent of the time, try to eat healthy foods, organic when you can, avoiding excessive sugar and carbs. The other twenty percent of the time, relax and enjoy. The stress of trying to eat only organic, grass-fed, whole-grain, unprocessed, extra-virgin everything can be worse for your health than occasionally eating food that’s not ideal. This rule of thumb will also help older children navigate the junk food wasteland when you are not around.
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Sometimes break the rules
Breaking food rules not only makes you seem more fun, it also helps kids understand diets that are too restrictive are not what life is about. Offer ice cream for breakfast or pancakes for dinner. Let them pick whatever unconventional meal they want on their birthday or packed for their school lunch. Have a no-veggie vacation! Breaking food rules occasionally is silly and fun, and nobody will get hurt. Your children will think this is the greatest thing ever.
Speak a word of affirmation at the right moment in a child’s life, and it’s like lighting up a whole roomful of possibilities.
—Gary Smalley
CHAPTER 7
FORBIDDEN PHRASES
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What did you do in school today?
After a full day of school and other activities, your children may want to chill by themselves to unwind, download, or regroup. Most kids need to decompress when they get home. Leave them alone and don’t start asking about their day until dinnertime. Instead, tell them about your day. If they’re getting in the car, play some music they like. When they come off the school bus, have a snack waiting. These little acts show love.
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Leave me alone
When your child wants to spend time with you, hearing you say, “leave me alone” can feel hurtful. Even adults don’t want to hear this from anyone. If your daughter wants your attention, but you need to be alone, explain this to her; tell her when you will be available and how you look forward to spending time with her. If she doesn’t yet tell time, keep a little kitchen timer on hand, set it, and ask her to come get you when it goes off. If you need to be alone because you are exhausted and need some me-time, explain this, too. They may be kids, but they will understand you are human. This is another excellent time to model communication skills and how people need to take care of themselves.
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Go to your room
This will make your child feel alone and unloved at a time when they need your love and support. Your reason for sending your child away is most likely because of some sort of acting up or bad behavior. Let your child know you recognize they are angry, frustrated, or sad, and then hold them tight. If this doesn’t work, tell your child you are going to give them a little time in their room to let out their frustrations. Check in a few minutes later and give more hugs.
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What were you thinking?
Or “Why would you do that?” or “What’s the matter with you?” serve only to belittle your child and make her feel terrible about herself. Chances are she was not really thinking at all. When your children make mistakes or do things they should not have done, instead of accusing or yelling, ask them what they might have done differently. Give them time to reflect; they may not figure things out right away. Asking this question gives them an opportunity to problem solve and to revisit a poor choice without making them feel any worse than they already do.
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Wow, that is great!
When your child shows you their latest masterpiece, responding with, “That’s beautiful” or, “I love it!” is certainly positive, but it does not convey your engagement. In fact, in some cases, it can even make you seem uninterested or dismissive, surely the opposite of what you hope to communicate. Be specific with your compliments and point out details in your child’s work—from art projects to term papers—which will help build their self-esteem.
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You are a bad child
Avoid labeling. Telling your daughter she is “bad” because she hit her brother is a message that may stay with her long after the incident has passed. It may even unintentionally become part of how she sees herself—which is probably not what you want! If you must label, keep it to the behavior, not the person. Say “Hitting is bad” rather than “You are bad.”
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Why didn’t you … ?
No matter how you fill in the blanks, this question will sound judgmental and will put your children on the defensive. Instead, try helping them come up with a better way to remember a responsibility or whatever was forgotten. Again, this helps children learn to problem solve now and throughout their lives.
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Lose the word “stupid”
This is one instance where, even if you are talking about a behavior, your children are going to hear and think they are stupid. Any way you use it, it’s insulting. If your daughter did do something really stupid, chances are she already knows it. Choose your words carefully; use your best judgment to decide how you will not sound judgmental.
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Go ask your (other) parent
Without the proper context, sending your child to a different parent can come across as a lack of interest or as dismissive. If your son is asking for permission, tell him you’re not sure yet and you’ll discuss it with Dad. This allows you and your partner to be on the same page without your child feeling pawned off on the other parent.
It’s not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.
—Ann Landers
CHAPTER 8
LIFE SKILLS
Dear Sally,
Thank you for giving me the beautiful red sweater for my birthday. I love it and i’m going to wear it to school on Monday.
Please come see us again soon.
Love, Amy
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Write thank you notes
Someday, when the US Post Office becomes obsolete, snail mail thank you notes can be dispensed with, but even then, something equally as thoughtful and personal should take their place. Let children know that handwritten notes are treasures. When anyone bestows a kindness—a gift or even just a great time—putting some extra effort into conveying appreciation is a simple way to make someone feel good.
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Teach your kids to use an alarm clock
It is not your job to wake your children. It is merely your job to provide them with the tools they can use to wake up on their own. Start young and let your son know he is a big boy, and you bet he can use an alarm clock. This is a very easy way to give children some power and control over their lives. Older kids can use the alarm feature on their phones. And, very young children can be taught they cannot wake you up until the alarm goes off—an extra treat for you!
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Teach your kids to hydrate
Got a headache? Drink water. Feeling tired? Drink water. Hungry even though you just ate? Drink some more water. A glass of water first thing in the morning is a great habit to instill in kids. Don’t wait until thirst sets in. Few of us drink enough water, and when we are not sufficiently hydrated, nothing in our body works as well as it could or should. This old saying holds true: your wee should be clear, not yellow!
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Be on time
If you can learn to be on time, your kids will learn to be on time as well. If you are rushing around at the last minute, yelling for your kids to pack up and get in the car, this will be their normal. Set the example, and then make sure your kids are on time for school, practice, lessons, doctor appointments, everything. Prepare in adv
ance, build in extra travel time, and keep away from your phone. When you stop to check your email one more time, before you know it, you are late. Set a good example.