Parenting with Sanity & Joy
Page 4
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Remember the importance of sleep
Not only do you need to be well rested, but your children need plenty of sleep as well. Lack of sleep makes for cranky, irritable children. In addition, they will be less engaged, less focused at school, and less able to handle little stressors. Good sleep habits are touted as a cornerstone in the lives of many successful people, so get your kids started on this early.
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Model patience
Children are not born patient. They learn to be patient, and they learn it from watching you. So, when you are in a slow line at the store or in stand-still traffic on the way to the water park, take a deep breath before you start your rant. Show your child that it is okay to be frustrated by something and still have a sense of humor about it. This will make everyone’s life better.
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Teach your kids how to do their own laundry
Separating lights and darks, measuring the soap, and using the buttons and dials on the washing machine and dryer are all easy ways a young child can pitch in with this neverending chore. Slightly older children can match socks. By middle school, your child should be able to do their own laundry from amassing, to folding, to putting it away. Does that mean they must do their laundry? That’s up to you.
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Skills instead of solutions
Have you ever solved a problem, big or small, and walked away feeling proud? That’s the same feeling a child gets every time they conquer something in their world. It makes them more competent, capable, and confident. Every time you solve a problem for your child, you rob them of one of those experiences. Break down and coach the skills needed to solve a problem. If something seems irreparable, ask, “What do you think you (or we) should do next time?” Ask, don’t tell. This is mentoring, not fixing.
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Teach kids to advocate for themselves
Coach your child in the skills required to get what they need in the world. This can start with having them ask to borrow another child’s shovel at the beach and evolve into encouraging them to talk to teachers, coaches, store clerks, and other parents. Role play early on, so they feel comfortable. When children can advocate for themselves, they can create situations in which they can thrive. Each time they do, they become better and more comfortable at it.
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Teach OHIO—Only Handle It Once
A dirty plate skips the sink and goes right in the dishwasher. A coat comes off, skips the living room chair, and goes straight to a hook or hanger. Open a box, put the contents away, and toss the box in the garbage. Having a fun way to remind your child (and everyone in the house) of a rule or life skill makes it sound less like nagging and more like a secret code. Putting things away begins with knowing where things go. Remember, a place for everything and everything in its place. And, sometimes that place is in the trash.
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Foster independent travelers
Just as you taught them to order food for themselves and do their own laundry, you can help your children become competent, savvy travelers. Sit with your young children and make a list of what they want to bring on family trips. As they get older, let them pack for themselves. If you’re adventurous, you can even assign parts of your vacation itinerary to your kids. When they’re in college and need to book a train ticket home, they will have the confidence to do so.
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Teach money skills
Your child needs to learn how to manage money. Allowance is not payment for services, such as doing chores, but rather, it’s money you allow your child to have, simply for being a family member. If your daughter has a weekly income, you can teach her how to save for something she wants. She will learn how to valuate toys, candy, make-up, or arcade games. You can guide at first, but try not to judge how the allowance is spent. Let her make mistakes and learn lessons here and now, rather than years from now in real life with credit cards.
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Not all feelings are good, and that is okay
Sometimes our children are not happy and, as parents, we often feel the urge to “fix” that. While our instincts drive us to step in, it’s important for kids to develop coping skills. It is tough when your child is excluded from a party, does not get a part in the play, or is benched during a game. Be there to acknowledge their feelings and give them a hug, but stay away from interfering phone calls or emails. Once we see our kids can handle unhappy on their own, our anxiety will dissipate, and we won’t feel the need to make everything better.
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Teach a proper greeting
First impressions matter, and making a good one is often simply a matter of knowing how to respond when you’re introduced. A warm greeting is simple: Look the person in the eye, smile, and say, “Nice to meet you.” The most intimidating part of this is usually maintaining eye contact, which is something you can practice at home. Whether your kids are visiting a new doctor or meeting the parents of a new friend, this is a skill that will give them confidence and serve them for the rest of their lives.
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Teach good table manners
Good table manners can start with an Internet video on how to use a fork and knife properly. Then, there are a few simple rules you can teach your child, so they will always feel comfortable at any table:
- Put your napkin on your lap
- Wait to eat until everyone is served
- Compliment the cook
- Ask to be excused
- Help clear the table
Bonus points: never sit until the cook is seated.
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Coach “please” and “thank you”
This may seem obvious, but unfortunately it’s not. “Please” and “thank you” can never be said too much. Mastering this simple social skill will put your kids in good stead for their entire lives. Coach them until it is deeply ingrained. Set a good example by thanking parents after a play-date; thank the person who makes dinner; thank the waitress at the diner; thank the bus driver. Please, keep reminding your kids, and thank them as well.
Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.
—Charles R. Swindoll
CHAPTER 9
FAMILY MANAGEMENT
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Have a grab-and-go option for breakfast
As your kids get older, they will be less likely to want to sit down for breakfast before school. Having something nutritious around that they can take to eat on the bus or as a snack in school may be more realistic, and it will help keep the peace first thing in the morning. Protein bars, yogurt, fruit and cheese, and trail mix are some ideas. Put these items on your grocery list and pre-make something like pumpkin muffins or hard-boiled eggs over the weekend, so they are ready to go first thing Monday morning.
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Pack up the night before
Pack whatever you need the night before—and have your children do the same. Homework, musical instrument, sports attire and equipment, snacks, whatever they need to succeed the next day. Think how much more relaxed mornings will be if the backpacks and all the extras are by the door and ready to go. No more scrambling for that missing cleat or the music for after-school band practice. Even if your kids come home before after-school activities, have them pack everything up the night before. Bonus—you will avoid being late!
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Create routines
Just as we love traditions, most of us love routines, and kids thrive on them. Critical times tend to be in the morning before school and at bedtime. Allowing your kids to be part of establishing the routines will make them more likely to be willing participants. Do they want to make their bed or get dressed first? Put on pajamas or brush their teeth first? Make a chart together (adding pictures for your little ones) and hang it up. Then, stick to it.
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Create a dressing system
Fighting with your kids about what they should wear is no fun at all. Try giving your children some control over their attire by creatin
g three different categories:
- Wear anything
- Nice Casual
- Dressy
Once your child knows which clothes fit into each category, let them select for themselves. You’ll avoid arguments and be teaching them it is important to dress appropriately for different occasions.
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Make dinner plans
Take some stress out of mealtimes by minimizing how often you need to ask yourself what you’re going to make for dinner. Keep a list of successful meals and rotate through them. You can also relegate a certain dish or type of dish to a day of the week, such as Meatless Mondays or Taco Tuesdays. Maybe there is one day each week where you serve something completely new like New Food Fridays. Let the kids be involved in this plan as well.
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Archive electronically
Store your child’s creations electronically. You can include every piece of art, like every gold-starred homework sheet, or only the ones you both love, like the Mother’s Day poems you were given. Apps are available for just this purpose, probably developed by parents who either suffered extreme guilt about throwing away anything sentimental or did not have enough closet space for the myriad plastic bins needed to contain a lifetime of Cheerio art.
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Create a notebook to organize milestone materials
Make each of your children a loose-leaf notebook with file folders for each grade. Include their annual doctor’s report, school and team photos, report cards and any special certificates. When your child is done with high school, you will have documentation of all the important records. And, when they move into their own place, it makes a fun gift to pass on.
Childhood is a short season.
—Helen Hayes
One Last Tip
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Love ’em every chance you get
Before you know it, they will be grown and starting their own lives. Grab that hug at every opportunity. In fact, try not to leave the house without a hug, a kiss, or an “I love you.” It’s unlikely you will ever regret making this effort, no matter how pressed you are for time. You will always be your child’s parent, but your time together really does go fast.
Acknowledgments
I am lucky to have been able to continue to learn and grow as a parent from my own mistakes as well as from the mistakes and examples of my dear friends (you know who you are)! I am grateful to my husband, Bill, for his always valuable perspective and endless support. My own children, Victoria and Hudson, are now young adults, and I appreciate having such good-natured test subjects who always showed me the error of my ways. They have taught me that good parenting is a constant, lifelong, learning process and that the true sign of “success” is not that your children are “perfect,” but rather that they are happy, capable, and kind.
Thank you to Dayna Steele for giving me the original idea for writing this book and encouraging me to make it happen. Thanks to Jessica Wolf, who went through every tip and rewrote them to have a consistent voice and a touch of humor. Thank you to Angela Engel, Elisabeth Saake, Amy Treadwell, and the rest of the Collective Book Studio team for helping me create such a beautiful book.