Where to Draw the Line_How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day

by Anne Katherine

  They settled into Anita’s car, but before she turned the key, Pam put her hand on her sister’s arm. “Anita, I need to say something, or I might not have the great time I want to have today.”

  Anita turned toward her.

  Pam continued, “I was so excited that you wanted to give me this day for my birthday, but the longer I waited, the less important I felt. Waiting took the gloss off the day for me. I want to get it back, but I’m feeling down.”

  Anita listened fully, then drew her sister into her arms. “I’m so sorry. I love you so much. I get overwhelmed with my life sometimes and just can’t get everything done in time. But I don’t want my frenzy to spread out over you, too. I want to make it up to you. I know—you waited an hour for me, so let’s go an hour longer than we planned. We’ll still get all the time we counted on. Would that work for you?”

  “It would, but what are you giving up? If this makes you more overwhelmed, I won’t feel good about it.”

  “In the first place, that’s my problem. Besides, love, you know my frenzy is a created situation. If I had one day more each week than everybody else, I’d still be overcommitted. I want to do this, I want us to have our full experience. I love you very much.”

  Pam’s amends completely made up for the violation of Pam’s time and energy boundary. Each woman did her part in getting this to work out.

  Pam could have forced herself through the day without telling the truth. Anita could have used excuses or other defensive comments to shut Pam up. In either case, both would have lost some of the bonding and fun the day had to offer.

  Anita thought of a way to pay back the time she’d taken from Pam. This sort of reciprocal payback is a good way to fix a time, tidiness, or possession violation. If, because of our own choices, misplaced priorities, or poor judgment, we’ve squandered someone else’s time, we can give time back. If we take ten minutes, we can do something that frees ten minutes for the other person.

  AMENDING A SERIOUS VIOLATION

  Making amends is more difficult when we have violated not just a boundary but a person. Abuse alters a person’s future in a negative way, sometimes drastically. True amends attempt to give back that person’s future. (This is why homicide is the most serious of crimes: it is not possible to amend it. The victim has lost his future. Nothing can be done to get that back.)

  Sara had been molested by her father when she was a child. It was an open secret within the family. Everyone knew about it, but no one talked about it. When Sara grew up, she had an aversion to family gatherings, and to her father.

  The entire family acted as if Sara had no basis for avoiding her father. They expected her to show up for family events, converse pleasantly with Dad, and endure his hugs as he said good-bye. Time after time she shied away from him, avoided conversation with him, or made excuses for not attending. Although he was the one who caused the harm, she ended up being the one on the outside.

  Years later, he entered a twelve-step program and seriously pursued recovery. He came to the point of admitting to himself the great wrong he had done to his daughter. He called her and asked her to have lunch with him. As they walked to the restaurant, he stopped at an overlook and began talking.

  He acknowledged that he’d molested her. He expressed his profound sorrow for betraying her as a father, and for all she’d had to handle because of his actions. He volunteered to pay for therapy for her and to go with her to a therapist. He said he was entirely willing for her to express her hurt, her anger, and anything else about the harm his actions had caused in her life.

  With his first words, tears washed Sara’s cheeks, and by the time he stopped talking, she was sobbing. She accepted all his offers. She went to therapy. Eventually she asked him to her sessions, where she gradually learned that she could express herself fully. He listened without excuses to everything she needed to say. Later, when it became evident that her eating disorder was a consequence of the violation, he paid for her to receive treatment.

  He also talked to his wife and his sons, taking responsibility with them as well, urging them to see Sara differently. He removed the stigma of outcast from her.

  COMPLETE AMENDS FOR VIOLATING ANOTHER PERSON

  • Admit the error or violation.

  • Express true regret for all harm done.

  • Find (or create) a setting where both people are safe so that the victim can express feelings and issues related to the violation.

  • If treatment or therapy could help restore the victim’s well-being, offer as much financial and time support for it as possible.

  • If necessary, restore the victim’s place in the family.

  RECEIVING AMENDS

  Sara did a good job receiving her father’s amends and therefore did not miss out on her own healing. In contrast, Evelyn was furious with her mother, Maddy, for the years of abandonment she’d suffered due to her mother’s drinking. In her forties, Maddy got sober, got spiritual, and tried to patch things up with her adult daughter.

  She tried to establish new routines with Evelyn, inviting her to holiday events, shopping trips, and special sightseeing weekends. Maddy tried on several occasions to talk about the past, to admit her mistakes. She offered to pay for therapy for Evelyn and to go with Evelyn to her sessions. She wanted with all her heart to repair the rift and make things right with her daughter. She wanted Evelyn to have a chance at a more fulfilling life.

  Evelyn was angry. She was so angry, she even rejected the overtures that would have benefited her. Evelyn preferred being miserable so long as it prolonged her mother’s punishment. Hurting herself, she knew, hurt her mother. She was so filled with anger that she was willing to sacrifice her own life to express it.

  When we become adults, we become responsible for our own happiness. Regardless of the consequences we bear for someone else’s violations, responsibility for healing transfers to our shoulders when we grow up.

  By accepting her father’s amends, Sara opened herself to great healing. In contrast, Evelyn blocked her own deliverance when she shut out her mother’s efforts.

  Evelyn is angry, rightly so, but acting it out instead of expressing it directly is itself a violation, and it keeps her and her relationship with her mother trapped like flies in amber.

  As strange as it sounds, Maddy’s best chance at helping Evelyn, now that her daughter is so vested in resisting improvement, is for Maddy to attend to her own life and happiness. There’s a slim chance that if Evelyn’s punishment stops working, Evelyn will see that she might as well do something to feel better.

  HEALTHY BOUNDARIES FOR ACCEPTING AMENDS

  • Allow the perpetrator to admit their wrongs.

  • Find a place where you will both be safe. Express your anger directly, using healthy anger boundaries.

  • If you sense that the other person is concerned mostly for themselves, rather than reversing the harm done to you, cut the session short.

  • If either of you shows any sign of becoming dangerous or violent, stop and leave.

  • If the other person offers to pay for appropriate treatment or to otherwise reverse the harm, seriously consider accepting the offer.

  STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS

  “Let it go, Maria. That happened twenty years ago.”

  What’s the difference between carrying a grudge and knowing that a relationship has been perpetually altered by a violation?

  Nothing heals as completely as telling the truth, expressing genuine remorse, feeling empathy for the injured person, and making complete amends. Unfortunately, not everyone is capable of all this. Some folks can offer partial restitution or some token of regret, but (for whatever reason) are unable to do more.

  If someone has made a mistake and is genuinely trying to make up for it—for example, if they show through actions that they care, even if they’re unable to talk about the violation—we gain by being flexible enough to let that count.

  If the harm they did is great, then a token effort simply may
not be good enough. But if their error didn’t cause very serious consequences, perhaps we can let go of our feelings and open ourselves, bit by bit, to a partially restored relationship as we see other contributions that person can offer us. You are the only one who can judge whether someone’s offering qualifies.

  One final thought: have you done your part by letting the other person know that their action hurt you? Granted, some violations are obvious, but not everyone realizes when they’ve committed a garden-variety boundary violation. If they don’t know, and you want amends made, you’ll have to tell them.

  For serious violations there is no statute of limitations. An amends twenty or thirty years after the injury can still bring great and lasting healing.

  CALLING FOR AMENDS FROM THOSE WHO GOVERN

  As a society, we Americans have endured victimization. Attorneys and lawmakers with their eyes on their careers have twisted good laws into pretzels. The legal system has seriously confused itself, using causes as excuses and even permission to continue abuse.

  Today, three or more women must be raped before a rapist loses his hunting privileges. Three or more people must die—or three or more children must be abducted—before a predator is removed from the community. What would happen to my livestock if I gave every predator three chances before I acted decisively?

  Certain cultures in the world adamantly refuse to allow harm to come to their children. If we wanted to, we Americans could become just as powerful, without risking the spirit of the Constitution that we cherish deeply.

  Any time a child’s well-being is threatened, we must intervene—and do so powerfully, so that the child and future children can be saved from the potential acts of a predator. We must unite as a people to safeguard our children.

  Nearly every way we are endangered by others is due to the harm those people received as children. Abusers were abused; rapists were raped. Powermongers were powerless. Woman-haters were taught to hate.

  When children are irrevocably harmed, they can grow up to become predators and abusers. This is a good reason to put money into programs for children.

  We can stop the cycle of abuse. We have the science to do it. Now we need the united will, the funding, and the laws to make it happen.

  Chapter 10

  FRIENDSHIP BOUNDARIES

  Friendships fall on a continuum ranging from casual acquaintances to intimate soulmates. Behavior appropriate to one degree of friendship may not be appropriate with others.

  DEGREES OF FRIENDSHIP

  Acquaintances

  Ranging from people you recognize to those you like a lot but don’t know very well, an acquaintance is the first level of friendship. Although with some people you can jump to intimacy when you first lay eyes on each other, most of the time, deeper levels of friendship grow from having first been acquainted.

  Neighbors

  Even though we commonly use this term for someone who lives near us, it can also refer to someone with whom we share a similar situation. It is a step beyond mere acquaintanceship.

  We can have a neighborly relationship with other church members; people with whom we share an interest, cause, or hobby; work companions; colleagues; and fellow travelers. Our lives overlap. We know them, might like them very much, and know something about them. Yet these are casual friends. Our contacts with them are low in intensity. An occasional event might increase our contact, but then when it’s over we move back our usual distance.

  If you are seeking deeper relationships, neighbors—geographical or situational—are good candidates because you have something in common.

  Comrades

  You know at least one aspect of a comrade well, and you like them very much. You normally share some activity or purpose, and spend regular time together doing it. Over time, a comrade may well become an intimate.

  Your relationship spreads over a wider territory than with an acquaintance or neighbor. You learn how this person operates—their openness, moods, attitude, dependability, humor, integrity, their willingness to pitch in.

  Intimates

  An intimate friend, bosom buddy, soul mate, or crony is one of the great gifts of life. You can trust this person with your secrets, count on them when things are tough, and know that they are on your side. You know each other very well.

  Once you’ve reached this level of friendship, you can move to opposite ends of the earth and yet connect fully in the blink of an eye. Each reciprocates when the other reaches out, and both grab the opportunities that are offered for being together.

  Most intimate friends have similar values, shared interests, commonality of purpose, and like perspectives. They develop a history together that can, eventually, span decades. We can love intimate friends deeply.

  CONTEXT

  The degree and depth of your friendship defines its context. A request that would be completely appropriate toward a comrade or intimate might be out of line with an acquaintance or neighbor. Acting appropriately within the context of a particular friendship builds trust and can help it advance to a deeper level. Acting inappropriately prevents progress toward intimacy.

  There can be exceptions according to the setting—you might experience great intimacy with a near stranger at a twelve-step recovery meeting, even though you know nothing about each other—but in ordinary circumstances, the degree of friendship sets the range for appropriate behavior.

  Here’s a breakdown of what’s generally considered comfortable and appropriate behavior as it relates to the context of a friendship:

  Use this chart not as a hard-and-fast rule but as a guideline. Your own insides are the best indicator of appropriate limits. If someone makes a request that seems presumptuous, say no. If someone hugs you and it doesn’t feel right, that’s all you need to know. Pull out of the hug immediately and say something like, “Please don’t. I’m not comfortable with hugging yet.”

  Almost any of the actions on the chart could be appropriate in extraordinary circumstances. For example, waiting at a hospital for news of the results of a friend’s surgery, you might spontaneously hug your friend’s mother, whom you’ve only just met, when the surgeon gives you good news.

  Different people have different styles, so just because it can be appropriate to cuddle with an intimate friend (who is not a spouse or lover) doesn’t mean all intimate friends would be comfortable with it. Touch is always at the option of both people, and both should agree to it for it to happen.

  Some people touch virtually everyone in friendliness and affection. Others tend to make very little physical contact. Both styles are normal, sane, and appropriate. As a rule, before touching or hugging a person for the first time, ask if it’s okay.

  Different regions and cultures also draw different lines for contact between casual and intimate friends. In certain conclaves of New England, even intimates don’t hug. In California, intimacy with strangers is quickly established.

  One caution, however. Quickly sprung intimacy isn’t based on anything. You aren’t known. You don’t know the other person. You have no real idea how trustworthy the other person is. There is no true allegiance between you. So be careful about risking too much with a person who behaves intimately very quickly. See how they handle a small risk before you plunge deeper.

  CIRCUMSTANCES

  The current condition of your friendship also defines appropriate behavior. If you and Coupe are in the middle of a serious conflict, it’s not a good time to ask him to run a frivolous errand. A request is jarring when it doesn’t fit the current circumstances of the friendship. Put it on hold until matters are worked out.

  Babe was friends with Marti and Gail, who originally did not know each other, but who met often at Babe’s events. Later, Marti and Gail became neighbors. Marti liked Gail, even considered her a comrade, and began including her socially for her own sake, not just because she was Babe’s friend.

  Then one day Babe and Gail had a serious disagreement. They didn’t work it out and stopped all contact with
each other. When Marti attempted to talk to Gail, she got the cold shoulder herself.

  Marti had had no contact from Gail for two years when she got this message: “Marti, this is Gail. I left my purse at Tam’s house. Since she lives just a mile from you, would you pick up my purse and take it with you to your office? Just leave it with the receptionist and I’ll get it from her.”

  What is your reaction to this request?

  • It seems out of place. Something’s missing.

  • Too weird.

  • What’s the problem? Take her the purse.

  • Seems appropriate.

  • Maybe Gail’s trying to reestablish the friendship.

  Gail isn’t using the purse as an excuse to reestablish the friendship. She doesn’t even want to see Marti, and wants her to leave the purse with the receptionist so that they don’t have to meet.

  Under the circumstances, this request is surprising. The two people are no longer in a relationship. Gail was the one who broke off the friendship. For her to ask a favor, even a casual one, of Marti is inappropriate. Marti could reasonably ignore the message and do nothing. She owes Gail nothing.

  Can you tell what is missing in Gail’s request? See if you can sense it or figure it out—it will help you make sense of future communications that feel strange to you.

  Gail didn’t acknowledge the current state of her relationship with Marti. She ignored both the context and the circumstance.

  The following message would be far more appropriate:

  “Marti, this is Gail. I realize we haven’t spoken in two years and that I’m the one who cut things off. I have a favor to ask, and ordinarily I wouldn’t, but my situation is such that extra driving is hard for me. I left my purse at Tam’s house. Would you be willing to pick it up and bring it to your office? I’m not trying to restart the friendship, and I know you don’t owe me anything. I’d still appreciate it if you’d be willing to help me.”