Where to Draw the Line_How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day

by Anne Katherine

  This statement acknowledges the current circumstances of the relationship. It does not attempt to manipulate. It doesn’t hold out hope that this might be an opening into working things out. It states clearly that the request is outside the normal expectations for ex-friends.

  When Gail made her original request without acknowledging the circumstances, she left it for Marti to do the work of processing an abnormal request and figuring out what to do about it.

  Of course, if you are riding a bus that turns over, even your worst enemy deserves a hand. There’s no time to acknowledge the situation. Afterward, though, it is gracious to do so. “Thanks for pulling me from the burning bus. I was rude to you three years ago, and you still helped me. I appreciate it.”

  RECIPROCITY

  The distance to your house is the same as the distance to my house. A healthy relationship, regardless of the level of intimacy, is reciprocal. Give and take between two people match.

  Char and Jenny became friends because their husbands worked together. Char was a quiet, perceptive person; Jenny was the type that sparkles. Char would invite a few people to casual dinners. Jenny would throw big parties.

  Char gradually became Jenny’s righthand woman before a party. She was dependable and efficient, and Jenny could count on her to quietly slice carrots or create an appetizer tray. They got so accustomed to the arrangement that before Jenny planned a party, she’d first make sure Char was available.

  Char invited Jenny and her husband to events at her house as well. These were small and uncomplicated, and she didn’t need much help, but, even so, Jenny neglected to offer any assistance. She stayed out of the kitchen and socialized with the men.

  Then Jenny’s husband got a big promotion and they moved to the swank part of town. Jenny could now afford to hire a caterer. Char continued to include Jenny and her husband at occasional dinners. But after the promotion, Jenny never invited Gail to a single event.

  GIVING TOO MUCH

  If you regularly give more to a relationship than the other person, something is off kilter. Perhaps the relationship means more to you or perhaps the other person is a taker.

  Do you have a relationship in which you do most of the initiating? Are you the one who calls the other? Do you issue the invitations? Are you often in the role of helping the other person?

  You can talk to your friend about this pattern, or you can reduce or eliminate your contact with them for a while and see what happens. Sometimes, the other person will realize you are missing and begin to take up the slack. But sometimes the pattern is so firmly established that it’ll take some real effort on both your parts to restore balance.

  TAKING TOO MUCH

  Are you in a relationship where you let the other person do most or all of the work? Do you let the other guy carry the job of keeping the relationship going? Do you get absorbed with what you are doing and forget about the other person’s needs?

  One way to tell that you may be taking too much is if you have revolving-door relationships. Do you have a new set of friends every two years? Then it’s possible that as your buddies catch on to your lack of involvement, they move on.

  If you want to discover the joys of true friendship, return favors. Give back. Plan and invite your friend to an event they’d enjoy. Initiate a phone call, even if you feel nervous at first. You may discover that one of the true pleasures of life is to please or surprise a friend.

  THEY WANT MORE. YOU DON’T.

  What if you feel that you are, at most, a comrade to another person, and yet they behave as though you were intimates? Set a boundary. Once a relationship has gone as far as you want it to, say so. Clearly express or demonstrate your limits. Continue to enjoy being on the same bowling team, but don’t issue or respond to invitations to more personal family get-togethers.

  WHEN YOU WANT MORE

  Perhaps you’d like to progress to the next level of intimacy with someone, but you’re not sure they’re interested. What should you do? Issue an invitation or take some small risks, and see how it goes.

  If you keep getting turned down, you can either stop asking, or talk to the person about it to clarify the situation (unless their refusals have been unequivocal).

  “Say, Edgar, I’ve been inviting you to join us on the fishing boat because I’d like to know you better.”

  “Me too, Sam. I just don’t like fish. That’s why I keep turning you down.”

  “Like fried rattlesnake?”

  “My favorite.”

  “Want to come to my house for a rattlesnake feast?”

  “Love to.”

  My personal number for effort is three. If I make three calls, issue three invitations, or take three risks, and the other person hasn’t said yes or reciprocated, I stop. Three strikes and I quit trying. It’s up to you to decide your own limit. A reasonable range is between two and five.

  If you are open to a closer relationship with someone but need to refuse their invitation, be sure to say that they are not the reason for your thumbs-down. Make a counterinvitation at some point to reinforce that message.

  Once you turn someone down three times in a row, the ball’s definitely in your court. It’s your turn to make an effort.

  Also pay attention when a friend demonstrates a different value system from your own. If your friend borrows things and doesn’t return them, or is not always truthful, or is hot one day and cold the next, be careful about advancing the relationship. You deserve friends who are consistent, considerate, and thoughtful. Back out of any relationship in which you are repeatedly treated with disregard.

  WHEN FRIENDS MAKE MISTAKES

  We don’t always realize when we’ve screwed up with a friend, because they usually cut us a lot of slack. A person making an honest mistake is different from one with Swiss cheese values, so as you build history together, you will soon be able to observe which is the case.

  As hard as it can be, telling the truth when a friend makes a mistake can actually catapult both of you to a higher level of trust. A little formula that works well when you need to express something difficult is, “When you_________, I felt__________.”

  “When you didn’t return my call, I felt forgotten.”

  “When you were twenty minutes late to the movie, I was angry. I want you to be on time. I hate waiting and worrying about you, and feeling like I’m at the bottom of your list.”

  A lack of honest communication has killed many a budding friendship. When people clam up and don’t explain that they’ve been hurt, the other person has no way of knowing what went wrong. It may seem obvious to you, but the other guy may not know their exact mistake—or that they’ve made a mistake at all—unless you tell them.

  They may even pick up on your anger and try to make amends, but without your specific information, they could try to improve the wrong thing.

  KEEPING CONFIDENCES

  Perhaps the most important friendship boundary is this one: don’t gossip about a friend to another person.

  Don’t pass on negative information, and don’t reveal what they’ve told you in confidence. It takes discipline to protect private information, but it’s worth the payoff in being trusted.

  When I was in college I shared a minuscule apartment with three other women. We all slept in bunk beds in a tiny bedroom. One night, two of my roommates came back early and thought I was still on a date. They began talking about me, not knowing I had gone to bed early on my top bunk. I listened to them putting me down. After a while, I got up, dressed, and to their surprise, appeared in the living room. I said nothing to them, just walked out of the apartment and downstairs to express my hurt to friends I trusted. The incident squashed my relationship with those two women.

  FRIENDSHIP BOUNDARIES

  Certain boundaries protect the integrity of friendship. These include a recognition of the context of the relationship, awareness of the current circumstances between you and the other person, reciprocity, parity, trustworthiness, communication, and confident
iality. Keep good boundaries with friends and your friendships will have the safety that will enable them to grow.

  Chapter 11

  GOSSIP GOSSIP GOSSIP (OR TRIANGULATION)

  “Anastasia, this is Branwen. You should have seen what Cas wore to the party. It was appalling.”

  Gossip is talking about someone who is not present, usually in a negative way. It is a form of triangulation.

  Triangulation occurs when three points are created by an interaction that sets one person outside the conversation or connection between two other people. When Branwen talks negatively to Anastasia about Cas, Anastasia and Branwen are drawn together by making Cas an outsider. Cas is the target, the one being triangulated.

  Through triangulation you can create an issue between the target and the person you’re talking to without their even knowing this is happening. “Branwen, I saw Cas sucking up to the boss. I hope she doesn’t finagle the assignment you want.” Branwen now has a reason to be wary about Cas. Anastasia has fostered competition between Branwen and Cas where none may have existed.

  Gossip can also be used to discharge feelings. “Anastasia, I am so mad at Jolie. She got assigned the desk next to the window. I wanted that desk. I wonder what she did to make the boss cough it up for her.”

  What are the potential consequences of this communication?

  • Branwen gets rid of her anger toward Jolie.

  • Anastasia may now have negative feelings toward Jolie.

  • Jolie may be unaware that Branwen and Anastasia have teamed up, leaving her on the outside.

  • Anastasia learns that Branwen doesn’t handle issues directly and that she too may be the subject of gossip if Branwen becomes unhappy with her.

  Any of the above consequences could result from Branwen’s triangulation or gossip. One thing is certain: if Branwen continues to handle problems this way, she won’t get what she wants. As hard as it may be for her to be direct, Branwen’s best chance of getting a desk by the window is to talk to the boss about it directly.

  PROBLEMS WITH GOSSIP

  Gossip doesn’t get things done. It may sow discord and unease, but it doesn’t fix problems or improve situations. It is a violation of healthy communication boundaries.

  Gossip doesn’t heal feelings. Branwen is venting to Anastasia, but will this fix her issue with Jolie? No. She’ll still be irritated with Jolie. Gossip may vent the immediate steam, but the conflict with the original person still remains.

  Gossip puts people on the alert. Most of us figure that if you gossip to me about her, you’ll gossip to her about me. (And we’re usually right.)

  Gossip fragments the community. It causes people to take sides unnecessarily and can create distance between people who may not actually have an issue with each other.

  Gossip does not—and cannot—create intimacy. Although Cas is made an outsider when Branwen and Anastasia gossip about her, Branwen and Anastasia aren’t actually improving their relationship. Their eyes are on Cas, not on each other. They aren’t building any true connection with each other.

  GOSSIP VERSUS CLARIFICATION

  What is the difference between gossiping and getting clarification from someone? Kimiko and Magda meet every week for lunch. Words fly fast as they talk in vivid detail about their husbands. Is this gossip? No, it’s a clarifying process.

  The purpose of gossip is to draw the listener to your side and away from the absent person. Magda isn’t trying to pit Kimiko against Ron; she just wants to figure out where she got lost in her argument with him. The point of her detailed play-by-play is for Magda to understand more about how to help herself in her intimate relationship.

  Two hallmarks distinguish gossip from a clarifying discussion. First, with gossip, the absent person is equidistant to the two talkers. In a clarifying discussion, the absent person is generally closer to the talker than to the listener.

  When I tell you about the outrageous thing my mother did, it’s my mother. She’s closer to me than she is to you. I’m not trying to pull you to my side. You’re probably already on my side.

  The second difference is that a clarifying conversation leads to action on the part of the speaker. The outcome of this autopsy of my fight with my mother will be that I will say something to her or that I will take better care of myself.

  The outcome of gossip is that the listener is stimulated to action, even if the action is nothing more than a slight withdrawal from the absent person.

  Two friends who have a clarifying discussion about a third friend must share it with her afterward if all three people are to maintain healthy connection. If the conversation is not taken back to the absent person, it is gossip.

  Let’s say Amanita, Sonja, and Amber are all good friends. Amanita is miffed at Sonja and talks about it to Amber. To maintain health among all three friends, the next conversation should include Sonja, revealing both that Amanita was miffed and that she talked to Amber about it.

  If these things aren’t said, Amanita and Amber will be holding a secret against Sonja. The energy will shift in the relationships and Sonja will be removed a pace from the other two. All will be affected by this, even though Sonja has no conscious knowledge about what happened.

  THE TOWN CRIER

  When secrets take root, a community can become unhealthy with amazing speed. Now and then an office or community will be afflicted with someone who purposely sows discord among the population, primarily to enhance their own position. A slighting comment here, an almost imperceptible slam there, and members draw back from one another. I’ve seen this so skillfully done that no one realizes they have been pitted against the others.

  Some signs that a town crier is at work in your environment include:

  • Feeling alienated from others

  • Having anger toward someone even though that person has done nothing directly to you

  • Feeling mistrustful of others even though they’ve done nothing to lose your trust

  • Having intimate information about someone that that person did not tell you

  If you sense that you are being manipulated to think badly of someone, there’s an easy way to fix the situation: deliberately speak to the person you’re starting to dislike. Discuss this issue with them. Find out for yourself if the information you’ve been given jibes with reality.

  What if you suspect that you’ve been the target of gossip? Check with people to see if they have been handed negative information about you. Invite them to be honest and to give you a chance to correct misinformation they may have been given. When enough of you unite to expose the pattern, you will render the town crier impotent. You can also confront them about their behavior and tell them to stop.

  In an office or business, an alert supervisor will notice if discord or trouble occurs most frequently in the vicinity of a certain person. Even if that person always appears innocent and other people seem always at fault, investigation into the matter is called for. A boss may have to call people in one by one in order to trace the origin of the problem.

  Unfortunately, if the boss is the one giving different stories to everyone, the staff will be forced to gossip to find out what’s really going on. I have witnessed many situations where a business owner sabotaged the success of his own company by being secretive, by favoring some employees over others, by giving different stories to different people, and by gossiping about certain employees to other employees. These business owners didn’t seem to realize that creating alienation among staff members reduced cooperation and goodwill.

  A boss who doesn’t follow clean communication principles will foster a workforce of snipers. Employee energy will be used for self-protection rather than productive work. People will keep good ideas to themselves and be more concerned with personal advancement or security than with the mission of the organization. They will be more likely to form cliques, so that they have safe alignment somewhere within the ranks. They will waste time gossiping, either to undermine others or to scope out what
’s really happening in the company.

  In a neighborhood, church, office, or in friendships, avoiding gossip increases the health of the community. Since gossip deflects feeling without handling issues, refusing to gossip forces us to face issues directly with the people involved.

  I’m impressed that in my own circles—in my neighborhood, friendships, and community—no one gossips. If a comment is made about someone not present, it is either positive or informational. “She’s gone for a week to visit her kids.” Or, “He’s a great gardener.”

  We are responsible for being careful when we find that we are talking to someone who is not using healthy communication skills. If that person is attempting to manipulate, control, or harm us (or others), then we need to limit what we reveal to them.

  Research has shown that a listener’s first response to a gossiper determines the course of the conversation. Contrast how each of the following responses would affect you if you were trying to start a gossip fest:

  Situation 1

  You: “Amy looks like she tied one on last night.”

  Listener: “You should have seen her at the party Friday.”

  Situation 2

  You: “Amy looks like she tied one on last night.”

  Listener: “I hope nothing’s wrong. I’m going to ask her how she’s doing.”

  • • •

  You have the power to halt gossip in its tracks by a response that says, “I won’t join with you in disparaging someone else.” You can also be direct: “Amala, I find that I feel better when I look for the positive traits in a person. Please don’t share thoughts like that with me.”