Where to Draw the Line_How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day

by Anne Katherine

  We become drawn to a person when we take care of them. It’s not just that we change by tending to someone. The other person also changes and becomes more attractive. We can feel a spark of affection grow when we act lovingly toward someone else.

  Try the following: both of you make a spoken and honest commitment to act lovingly toward each other for exactly one month. Then, at the end of that month, reexamine your feelings and the relationship. See how attractive your mate becomes as a result of your warm attention.

  Chapter 13

  HOLIDAY, BIRTHDAY, AND CELEBRATION BOUNDARIES

  HOLIDAYS AND VACATIONS

  We need holidays and celebrations. We need breaks from making a living so that we can enjoy living. However, one person’s love is another person’s labor; thus, what restores one person can be draining for someone else.

  Your idea of a holiday may be basking on a beach yet you are married to a museum monger. You like Christmas with relatives to the rafters, but your spouse wants to go to the Sheraton for the buffet. You want a Valentine’s Day with romantic dinner, soft music, five solid minutes of being adored, close dancing, and a roll in the hay. He’d prefer to toss you a card and get to the hay as quickly as possible.

  What’s a person to do? Lots of things: negotiate, compromise, and take turns.

  Holidays and celebrations can strengthen relationships. We are drawn to people we can laugh and play with, so working out the bugs around holidays will give the relationship energy.

  How is this a boundary issue? Our own needs for a holiday are important. Fruitful recreational time centers and strengthens us. On the other hand, a sabotaged vacation takes more out of us than if we hadn’t gone away at all. We must be capable of protecting our recreational time or we’ll pay the cost in illness or exhaustion.

  Lisa loved Christmas. She was energized by every aspect—the music, decorations, spirit of giving, the smell of evergreens, the shopping. She married Sean, a man whose childhood household had disintegrated every Christmas. His father would be drunk by midmorning, his mother would grovel, and the kids would either cower from Dad or be wildly out of control.

  Sean wanted to cancel Christmas. Since Lisa wouldn’t consider such a thing, he subtly sabotaged each holiday instead. He was gruff in receiving her gifts. He’d get her one expensive present that was the wrong size or color. He’d rebuff her attempts to include him in her joy, and in so doing, chase her joy away. He was curt and impatient with guests, who soon felt uncomfortable and lost their spontaneity.

  Lisa confronted Sean as their third Christmas approached. “Sean, let’s talk about Christmas. I’m not going to go through another one like the last two.”

  “What do you mean?” He truly didn’t know.

  “You spend the day with a black cloud over your head, and you seem to want us to join you under it. Christmas is my favorite holiday. I want to see if we can work out a way to improve it for you and preserve it for me.”

  “I just want to cancel the whole thing,” he said gruffly.

  “I could tell, from your attitude last year. I didn’t do anything to deserve the anger you were tossing around.”

  “I hate Christmas!”

  “Are you willing to deal with your hate and anger about it?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I love Christmas. If all you can do is spoil it, I want you to think of something else you’d like to do that day and go do it. I’d rather you be here, because I love you and I want you to be a part of it, but if that’s more than you can do, then I want my day.”

  He was quiet. “What do you mean, deal with my anger?”

  “I imagine, knowing what your parents were like, that Christmas was awful when you were a kid.”

  “You got that right. The old man made it open season on the innocents. My mom got thrown across the kitchen once because she put pepper in the gravy.”

  “No wonder you hate it. You must have gotten scared when Christmas was getting near.”

  “All the other kids were wild to get out of school, and afterward they’d talk about all their presents. I just wanted school to keep on going. We always had to write some dumb essay about ‘My Favorite Christmas Gift’ or some such. I never could think of anything to write.”

  “It was miserable.”

  “Yeah.”

  “I’m sorry it was like that.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Thanks for not drinking. I’m so glad you don’t put us through that.”

  He looked surprised. “I swore I’d never touch a drop and I haven’t. I wasn’t going to end up the way the old man did.”

  “I know. I’m so glad you don’t. But your attitude does spoil the holiday for me. I’m not scared or hurt by it the way you and your mother were, but I really like Christmas. Maybe you could let me show you how it could be fun.”

  “Maybe.”

  “Would you be willing to talk to Father Pat about it and let him help you with your memories?”

  “What’s happened, happened. Can’t change the past.”

  “No, but we can change how it affects us. We can change how we feel about things.”

  “Okay. Will you go with me?”

  “Sure.”

  • • •

  This shows what can happen when you set a boundary and stay open to the way a conversation unfolds (and when you aren’t met with defensiveness). We can be so strict in setting a boundary that we may miss that the thing we really want from it is starting to show up. Remember, the point in setting a boundary is to preserve something that matters. When you set a boundary and the other person starts to reveal something in a nondefensive manner, not to distract or derail you but to meet your issue in their own unique way, try to go with it.

  Lisa stayed alert and kept her mind on her issue. She was able to recognize an approximation of negotiation. Sean was not a verbal man, not someone accustomed to identifying and working with his feelings. She helped him do something difficult. This led to new understanding and a shift in the problem, and it restored integrity to their relationship.

  Some of us have good relationship skills, what I call a high relationship IQ. We can naturally see and do the things that grease the skids of a relationship. Other people, however—even other good people—may be more or less blind to the workings of relationship.

  If you are fortunate enough to have a high relationship IQ, you will be blessed with good friends, but not all of them will be able to appreciate your contribution to the relationship. Sometimes that can be irritating; at other times though, you can see that you are compensated by the different gifts the other person offers you.

  Lisa loved Sean, and she felt blessed by his goodness and his responsiveness when she needed any sort of gadget created in the household. She knew other husbands might take five years to fix a faucet, but when she slipped on the landing to the garage, Sean installed a nonskid surface and a handrail before the day was out—without her even asking him to do anything.

  When we are facile at relationship skills we might insist that the other meet us at our same level of skill. Had Lisa done that, however, she’d have missed a great opportunity for strengthening their relationship. Had she insisted that he follow the purest communication rules—stick to the subject, hear her first, talk about his feelings—she would have lost his involvement. Such expectations would have been beyond him.

  Purists might call Lisa codependent, but I call her generous and practical. She did not make the mistake of being controlling around the process of communication, and therefore they both took a step toward creating a holiday that would give them joy and bring them closer together.

  HOW TO CREATE SUCCESSFUL HOLIDAYS

  BEFORE THE HOLIDAY

  • Talk about the holiday in advance. Each person take a turn describing how they’d like the holiday to be. Talk about activities, food, timing, costs, whom to include, the order of events, preparation, and how to divide responsibilities.

  • Make sure each of you h
as a clear picture of what the other people want.

  • If past holidays have had glitches, set your boundary for what is acceptable to you and what isn’t. For example, “I need to start serving dinner on time. If you’re not here by seven, we’ll start without you, and you can join us as soon as you can.”

  • Look for ways to include the most important elements for each person.

  • Be clear about what you are committing to and what you are not. Be sure you have a similar clear commitment from the other person.

  AFTER THE HOLIDAY

  • If your boundaries were disregarded, calmly and honestly discuss how and why this happened.

  • If the other person made a genuine mistake, set your boundary again clearly and directly. If you made a mistake, own up to it, apologize, and make appropriate amends, if necessary.

  • If the other person is unwilling or unable to adapt, or seems to be playing games with you, decide how you will do the next holiday with greater protection for your boundaries. You may have to celebrate separately in order to preserve the spirit of the holiday for yourself.

  • Allow the relationship to have a learning curve. Cut some slack if the holiday wasn’t perfect, but the other person made an effort. Express your appreciation for their flexibility and willingness to adapt.

  • Learn from any misunderstandings.

  • Repeat the negotiation process several weeks before the next holiday.

  WEDDINGS

  The most important people at a wedding ceremony are the two people about to plight their troth. Regardless of family tradition, social standing, or social obligations to distant people, it’s the couple’s inauguration to their own marriage.

  Of course, choices may be limited by financial restrictions—and it is important not to put yourself into financial difficulty for the sake of your own or someone else’s wedding—but once financial limits are respected, remember that it’s the substance, not the form, that matters most.

  If your daughter wants to be married in a cowboy outfit, why not? You had your chance. It’s her turn now. If the nuptial couple doesn’t want to serve alcohol at the reception, don’t bring alcohol to the event. If they don’t want any gifts made from animal products, check labels before buying.

  Control issues around weddings may be arising from the difficulty of taking in that this younger generation is embarking on adult life. Let go. Be graceful. Cry on your spouse’s shoulder. The bride and groom are picking up their own reins. Let them.

  BIRTHDAYS

  The birthday person gets to set the boundaries for his own celebration. Pay attention to hints about gifts. Some families make a little hint basket for each member, in which they can drop pictures or ads or want lists throughout the year.

  Respect preferences. Even though you’d be thrilled if every friend since kindergarten showed up for your fortieth birthday bash, your spouse might just grin and bear such a shindig. Surprises can be fun and a sign of your love, but keep them within the comfort limits of the person being surprised.

  Know your person. Jim would love a roast. Tim would be embarrassed. Slim would feel exposed. Ken would be insulted. If in doubt, ask.

  VALENTINE’S DAY

  Although this holiday is for both lovers for the most part, women especially set a lot of store by Valentine’s Day. This is not the time to get gruff and stand on your principles if your woman wants to be treated like a princess for one evening.

  Think of it this way. You will get a lot of points for putting yourself out for this one holiday. For the twenty minutes it takes to make a reservation, order flowers, pick out a card, and tell her you have a surprise and she’ll need to dress up a little, you will get credits for days. If you draw a blank about how to treat her like a princess, ask any woman.

  A satisfactory Valentine’s Day strengthens the integrity of an intimate relationship, while an unwillingness to consider a spouse’s need to receive special treatment now and then can be a violation that stretches the fabric of the relationship.

  BUT IT’S THANKSGIVING!

  No occasion or holiday is reason enough for you to subject yourself to abuse. I can’t count the times I’ve heard a client say, “Well, of course, I have to go spend the week with:

  • my sexually inappropriate father

  • critical mother

  • drunken stepfather

  • disregarding sister

  After all, it’s:

  • Christmas

  • Thanksgiving

  • Mother’s Day

  • Leap Year

  • The Anniversary of Manned Flight

  Why should you spend your holiday being treated badly? For the sake of the someone else’s holiday, is it okay for you to be disregarded, criticized, humiliated, sexually harassed, or exposed to the boring inanities of a drunk?

  No! If you aren’t able to set boundaries with these people yet, or if they aren’t capable of respecting boundaries you set, you just plain don’t have to go.

  You get to have a wonderful holiday. You are not required to sacrifice it for someone who treats you badly just because you are related to them. Wrap up this book, stick a bow on it, send it to them as a present, and say, “When you understand Chapter ________, give me a call.”

  Other options are:

  • “Dad, are you still drinking? You are? Okay, well, have a nice Christmas. I’ve got other plans this year.”

  • “Mom, you just criticized me three times in the first minute of our conversation. I don’t want to spend a whole day with more of the same. I won’t be there for Super Bowl Sunday.”

  • “Sis, I’ll come to Thanksgiving dinner if you’ll agree not to make any comments about my body, weight, or clothing. If you can do that, I’ll come. But at the first comment, I’m out of there. What do you hear me saying?”

  GIFTS

  The fine art of gift giving can strengthen the boundaries of a relationship. A gift that fits its recipient enhances a relationship. A good gift communicates, “I care about you.” A great gift communicates, “I know who you are.” By taking a moment to think about your friend or loved one, you can pick a gift that says, “I know you. I know what you like and care about.”

  The closer you are to someone, the more important it is to give a gift that truly delights and pleases them, that they will use or enjoy. If you aren’t able to imagine what that could be, ask them.

  A message hits with more impact when it is wrapped in gift paper, because a gift sets up an expectation. We know to back up and put up some protection when someone is screaming at us, but when someone offers a pretty package, we lower our protection.

  A gift opens us. We relax. In this opened state, the painful message behind a poorly chosen or inappropriate gift goes deeper.

  Nevertheless, it’s good to make allowances for people who love you dearly but just don’t have much imagination. Since Dad’s perpetual concern is for your protection, when you graduate from law school, he gives you a car jack. He truly means well and it comes from love, so you needn’t be stung by it.

  If someone close to you simply has not mastered the art of gift giving, give them a list of things you’d like to have, including sizes and preferred colors. In doing this you are saying, “Gifts outside this limit will strain a festive occasion and cast a shadow at a time when we could be strengthening our connection. Gifts within this limit will delight me and improve our relationship.”

  Cost is not as important as thoughtfulness. If your wife likes having her feet rubbed, ten cute handmade coupons for foot rubs might be appreciated more than expensive earrings.

  Know what gifts would be a bomb. Most women would not like getting a vacuum cleaner for their birthday. I wonder if men get tired of getting socks and ties.

  Giving a manipulative gift can harm a relationship. For example, Hortense always gave Lizbeth, her adult daughter, gifts that fit Hortense’s expectations of Lizbeth. She wanted Lizbeth to join the Junior League and enter society, so she gave Liz
beth expensive clothes and jewelry that fit Hortense’s lifestyle. But Lizbeth, who loved her job as a nurse at an inner-city clinic, wore jeans and T-shirts when she wasn’t in uniform, and led a casual life. She had no use or room for her mother’s presents, and the inherent pressure of such gifts drove a wedge between them.

  Mitchell always gave his daughter clothes in the wrong size and style. He picked lovely things, but two sizes too small. Nancy took this as a message that he was critical of her weight. Plus, the clothes seemed more than a bit on the sexy side. It seemed just past the edge of appropriate, as if he wanted to see her dressed in a way that emphasized her sexuality.

  DOESN’T THE THOUGHT COUNT?

  It does. But if your gift is an attempt to control, persuade, manipulate, or disregard the other person, then that is the thought conveyed.

  The importance of gift selection increases with the intimacy of a relationship. Among strangers, distant relatives, and neighbors, a gift that demonstrates, “I had a good thought about you and I was willing to expend some energy or money on your behalf” is a good gift. But the closer we are to someone, the more important a gift becomes, and the more personal it needs to be.

  Aretha’s husband, knowing she hates housework, would mess up if he gave her a mop or an iron. Since she loves basketmaking, a variety of basketry materials or a ticket to a basketry class would be a great gift.

  A gift that misses big could even be a boundary violation. M. Scott Peck1 writes of a family that gave their son the rifle his older brother had used to kill himself. This gift threatened more than the son’s relationship with his parents. It was also a threat to the son himself. Even if they had some positive intent, they didn’t make the effort to imagine the impact the gift would have on their surviving son.

  In making good relationships, we are challenged to imagine the impact of our behavior on others, to stretch our minds beyond the parameters of our inherent parochialness, our local perspective. Too much thought and responsibility for others becomes codependence and enmeshment. Too little becomes narcissism and excessive self-focus. We improve our own integrity, and that of our relationships, by finding a middle ground.