Where to Draw the Line_How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day

by Anne Katherine

  Gift giving is one way in which this middle ground is communicated. We protect our financial and time boundaries by not giving more money or time than we can afford, while making the effort to understand what matters to someone and picking a gift that contributes to their interests or joy.

  Chapter 14

  SEXUAL BOUNDARIES

  Paul and Helen had been married eleven years. They had weathered difficult situations with persistence, had deep trust in their relationship, and knew each other well enough to answer questions barely started [“Did you get . . .” “Yes.”].

  Despite their intimacy, however, they still had a serious glitch in their relationship. Paul would be revved to enjoy a tumble with Helen, and she would be turned off by an overtly sexual approach. This is a relatively common problem between intimate partners.

  One Saturday, Paul woke up sexually charged and said so to Helen. She said, “Not now, dear, I’m hungry. Maybe later.” She thought, I don’t feel sexual toward you. We haven’t seen each other for a week. The last time we were together, we had a big fight. I need to know you as a person again before I can open to you.

  Paul went through the day with the expectation that in the afternoon, Helen’s best sexual time, they’d hit the hay. But Helen dreaded a sexual encounter and was thinking about how to gear herself up for it. Meanwhile she was also feeling lonesome, and a need to zone out.

  After lunch, Paul threw himself into making a clever gadget for Helen to use in the kitchen. After lunch Helen said she needed time to herself and took a nap. When she woke up, the gadget was installed and it was wonderful.

  Paul then turned to her eagerly. He said, “The entire time I was making this, I pictured diving into your luscious body. It really turned me on.”

  She said, “I need some time with you first.”

  His face fell. He felt angry and frustrated.

  She tried to get Paul to talk about it. She knew that if they could have an intimate conversation, she could feel more sexual. She suggested several ways that would make it possible for her to feel closer to him.

  But he was already too upset. He wasn’t interested in talking or in responding to what she needed. He felt he’d been cheated.

  The rest of their day was rough, full of little spats. When Helen tried to talk about it again later, they both had frayed tempers. Worse, Paul was in a mood to retaliate. She’d rejected him, he felt, so he rejected her attempts to heal the rift.

  • • •

  In nearly every intimate relationship, one partner is more sexually charged than the other. Making room for the needs of each person can be a challenge. Furthermore, nearly everyone alive has suffered some sort of violation to their sexuality.

  Male sexuality is forced into strict channels at an early age. Many a teenage boy gets desperate for a sexual outlet, any sexual outlet. If his private way of taking care of his needs is ridiculed or restricted, he may seek relief from less healthy sources.

  Females are often used sexually when they are young. Many a young woman finds herself pulled into a sexual encounter, thinking she herself is prized, only to discover that the ravenous male appetite would just as happily have dined on almost any female flesh.

  We get set up early in life—even if we haven’t been violated in more serious ways—to be incompatible. Harm done to us sexually affects us for a lifetime. We can heal much of the damage from the harm, but it may still influence our instinctive reactions to sexual situations.

  In addition, male and female bodies have profound hormonal differences that create friction. The peak for male and female sexuality is separated by about twenty to twenty-five years. (Whose plan was that?) Males have a surge of testosterone in the morning, women a hormonal surge in the afternoon. After ejaculation, a male hormone is released that makes a man sleepy; at that same point, women often wake up. This is exactly the time at which a woman wants to be held and talked to. If the man goes to sleep, she feels abandoned.

  A man is in a more vulnerable position before intercourse. He needs her and he wants to perform well. Many women feel more vulnerable after intercourse. She’s surrendered something. She’s allowed her body to be entered.

  Women need to feel close in order to feel sexual. Men have sex to feel close. After a fight, a man turns to the woman to have sex. He’s wanting sex to reestablish intimacy. She says, “Are you crazy? I don’t feel sexual toward you. We just had a fight. All you ever think about is sex.”2

  PREPARATION FOR SEXUALITY

  From an early age, boys are propelled by their own instincts to be physical. They test the limits of their physical endurance all the time, learning to use their bodies as they would an important tool. They gain catlike control over their movements.

  Little girls are more likely to have experiences that teach them to separate from their bodies. Possibly 38 percent of adult women were sexually abused as children.3 Such abuse causes girls, often unconsciously, to view their bodies as sources of danger. They learn to take a mind trip elsewhere whenever their bodies are being hurt.

  Menstrual periods can be excruciatingly painful, provoking further detachment. Today we have sanitary products that don’t hurt when we use them, but when I was a girl, our choices were limited, and the sanitary products could even be painful to wear. Imagine what it does to a woman’s relationship with her body to know that once a month pain and discomfort will visit her for at least a couple of days, and perhaps as long as two weeks.

  I occasionally ask female clients to mark a drawing of a human body to illustrate the parts of their bodies they can sense kinesthetically. An amazing number black out the entire area from the shoulders to the thighs. Some women draw a line at their necks, indicating that all their awareness is in their heads.

  If a woman has been hurt early in her life through sexual activity, later even in a loving relationship with a skilled and thoughtful lover, she might detach instantly the moment she has pain. One second she’s present, and the next, due to a little tweak or too much pressure, she’s gone—and she may not know she’s gone. The man is progressing and by the time she comes back to full awareness, he’s much further along than she is. Unfortunately, women tend to endure this gap and make themselves hurry up, which perpetuates their own exploitation.

  Women violate their own boundaries when they don’t speak about their needs, or by enduring—out of love or expediency—sexual activity. Over time, a woman who does this is bound to lose interest in sex.

  In the long run, it benefits both the man and the woman for her to be honest about what is happening to her as they share a sexual experience. It’s tragic that so often couples get focused on performing rather than experiencing, losing the joy and wonderful connection that true lovemaking can bring.

  The value of a committed relationship is that there is time for everyone’s needs. A man will get more value in the long run if he is patient and thoughtful of his woman, if he ceases instantly any touch that causes pain, and if he gives some time for emotional connection before making physical moves.

  A woman will find herself with a more involved man if she lets him have some times of pure sexual abandon (minus any pain, of course). Women can rev themselves up with thoughts and fantasies and sexual aids, so that they are both physically and emotionally ready for their men to play. Women can take responsibility for ensuring their own pleasure, not always leaving that job in the hands of the men.

  Give and take, thoughtfulness, kindness, communication, and humor can all strengthen the intimacy of the relationship.

  NEW SEXUAL BOUNDARIES FOR OUR CULTURE

  If we could begin to raise children who are not sexually harmed, future couples would have less damage to overcome. This requires awareness and vigilance on the part of the adults in each family, to protect the children so that their boundaries aren’t violated.

  A third of abused children are victimized by older children or siblings.4 Parents must be careful about leaving younger children in the care of older male child
ren who are of an age to have sexual stirrings or curiosity. Only 5 percent of abusers are strangers and males are more likely to molest than females.5 We warn children to be careful around strangers, but they need to be taught to say no to anyone, even a relative, who touches them or approaches them inappropriately. Parents and grandparents must take care not to leave children in the hands of anyone who does not seem safe.

  A new approach would offer teenagers practical help. This would mean giving young men healthy ways to deal with their hormone-driven sexuality without preying on young women or children. This would also mean teaching young men to respect women, to accept no as an answer, and to care for others.

  Young men are being taught how to give pleasure rather than just to take. And we are learning to teach young women to respect their bodies, to set limits, to avoid dangerous situations. We are teaching young women about young men’s powerful sexual drives and how to protect themselves. We are going beyond clinical sexual education and talking about the strong feelings involved.

  But we also need good men to take a stronger stand against rape, incest, and sexual exploitation. A shift in cultural attitude, one that sees exploitative behavior as wrong, can make a huge difference in increasing safety for women, and in helping everyone to have healthier sexual boundaries—and greater sexual intimacy.

  CASUAL SEX

  In the brief window between Victorian prudishness and the spread of AIDS, we had a sexual revolution. After a century of sexual denial, many of us tested boundaryless sexuality—nudity, multiple sexual partners, sexual exploration, and initial sexual encounters at younger ages.

  Then, when serious disease and death became the consequences of mindless promiscuity, we rode the pendulum to a more balanced position. Today we are more open about sex, somewhat closer to the European acceptance of bodily appetites, and a great deal more knowledgeable about the sexual workings of the opposite gender. Couples who are dating are likely to bed earlier, and with less commitment to each other, than their counterparts of thirty years ago.

  Still, our emotional processes may not be as casual as our physical actions imply. For many women, a sexual encounter creates a bond that feels torn if the man, afterward, disappears. What starts as insouciant entertainment for both people can become, after intercourse, a meaningful episode for the woman.

  Sexual bonding that isn’t accompanied by some foundation of familiarity with the other person can yield a chilly morning after. We are visited by the lonely realization that we have been intimate with a stranger whose values and ways are obscure to us.

  I encourage my women readers to protect their boundary of emotional safety by giving a relationship some time to build before becoming sexually vulnerable. Let yourself be known, and let yourself know the other person, before jumping into the sack.

  HEALTHY SEXUAL BOUNDARIES

  We must keep good sexual boundaries to preserve our integrity. We must say no if a sexual experience is causing us pain or too much risk, either physically or emotionally. We must respect “no” the instant we hear it. It can be frustrating to stop, but to continue past a “no” destroys the other person’s sexual safety with you.

  We must take responsibility for our own pleasure, by saying what feels good, by asking for the touch we like, and by continuing to give guidance with words or gestures.

  If your partner has been abused sexually, they may experience flashbacks or sorrow during sex. It can be so hard to stop when you are aroused, but an investment of kindness, patience, and care can ultimately bring you a wonderfully responsive sexual partner.

  From Hollywood we’ve gotten the idea that passion progresses in a consistent line from the kiss to the postcoital cigarette. In real life, people pause in the middle to talk or rest, alternate being fast or slow, use words to guide their partner, play, laugh, cry, and express powerful love.

  Chapter 15

  GENDER BOUNDARIES

  Luisa’s story:

  A few months before I was born, my father told my mother, “If the baby is a girl, I’m leaving you and you can take the baby with you; but if it is a boy, I’ll never let him go.”

  They divorced before my first birthday. My mom took me, of course.

  For the first part of my life, I had a wonderful, safe childhood. We lived with my grandparents, who did the lion’s share of raising me. I had a grandfather, an uncle, a minister, and great-uncles who cared about me, loved me, and guided me. I could crawl on my uncle’s lap, or be patted on the head by my grandfather, and know without words that I was protected. My grandfather taught me to fish and to handle tools and motors.

  You’d think I’d never miss my father. After all, I’d never known him, except when I was too young to be conscious of him. I had three strong, loving men to father me. There was no experiental father gap in my life, yet I missed my father every single day.

  I would dream about my father and long for him. I’d wonder what he looked like and why he never wanted to see me. I’d often pretend, as I walked home from school, that my father was waiting for me at home. As I approached our block, I’d look for him to see if he was walking to meet me.

  When I was twenty-one I took the reins in my own hands. I went looking for him. I had saved hints for years from little comments my mother and grandmother let slip when they thought I wasn’t paying attention, and I went searching for him. And I found him. Oh, what joy I felt, how filled out I felt when I first found him and had a face and eyes and limbs and form to fill out my imagination.

  While she was still in the womb, Luisa was the target of a gender boundary violation. Her father would not value her because she was female. His subsequent behavior, once she was born, validated his first statement.

  Luisa bore the consequences. As a child, the price she paid was constantly longing for him, experiencing the emptiness of not being connected with him.

  Luisa’s story continues:

  I had believed that once I found my father, he would become a part of my life and that we’d be close from then on. As it turned out, I tried for another twenty years to interest him. I took up his hobbies, tried to achieve awards and recognition that would impress him, and tried to maintain routine contact with him.

  I couldn’t seem to overcome the chasm created by not growing up in his milieu. I didn’t know the in jokes, the phrases, the habits of response that were typical to that side of the family. I sensed that words that were mild and loving to me were threatening and intrusive to him. I never ceased to be a foreigner.

  Once Luisa met her father, their unfamiliarity with each other, their lack of common language, and a continued paucity of interest on his part created a gap that years of effort on her part could not cross.

  Fathers aren’t interchangeable with other men. Children’s connection with their fathers grounds and centers them like nothing else.

  Even in a good home with lots of loving people, a hole exists if the father isn’t available. Note that as a child Luisa had never known her father, had never had contact with him. Her longing wasn’t the kind that comes when someone you love leaves you.

  The need for each parent is seemingly the material of our cells. Our atoms reach for connection with those who spawned us, and we want that connection as long as we live.

  Brad’s story:

  I was always in trouble as a kid. It seemed that if I breathed, somebody’d yell at me. In fact that did happen. I was yelled at for breathing through my mouth and making too much noise. I was always too something—too loud, too messy, too dirty, too smelly.

  I’d come in from playing and my mother would say, “Ugh, you smell.” She didn’t say it kindly, either. She always acted irritated with me.

  I always had to do the worst chores. I’d have to muck out the barn. I’d have to walk through subzero temperatures with snow up to my knees to get some stray animal from across the field. My sisters would be inside, warm and laughing, doing their chores together. They had it so easy, in that warm house, while I was forced to be o
utside, alone and freezing.

  Selma’s story:

  We had a big family—Catholic, you know—and I was the youngest. I had three sisters and two brothers. We lived in an area where there were lots of kids. When I didn’t have to work in the store, I roamed all over the mountains, playing with my friends.

  My brothers weren’t getting very good grades, so my mother decided that my brothers needed to go to a more important school. We were doing okay, but we weren’t rich. So, while Dad stayed in Silverton and ran his business, she dragged all us kids with her to Denver so that my brothers could go to an expensive school there for three years. She rented a place for us to stay. It put such a strain on us financially that Mom and Dad lost the house they were building.

  Except for my brothers, the lives of all of us were smashed. I begged her to leave me with Dad. I could help him in his store and still have my circle of friends. I was doing well in our school, making good grades. I liked my teachers. I liked my life.

  When she plunked me down in Denver, I couldn’t seem to recover. I couldn’t find a niche in the Catholic school where she put us girls. The neighborhood was stark and scary. We girls were afraid to play outside very far from home. It’s as if a life of color turned suddenly to black and gray.

  Eventually I got used to being passed over for the boys. I got used to the rest of the family being sacrificed to pour all the resources into them. I didn’t even feel a flicker of dissonance when I wanted to learn accounting and was told girls had to be secretaries or teachers or nurses. I trained to be a secretary and was forty years old before I found out I had exceptional intelligence and could have made a lot of money.