Burn, Baby, Burn

by R. J. Blain

  I’d be very surprised if the idiot survived strong discouragement from angered gorgon males. I should’ve cared more, but I nodded. “Thank you.” With him leading the charge, I could focus on tailing Bailey and taking care of the whelps. “I talked to Bailey.”

  “What did she say?”

  “She wants to fight you.”

  “Of course she does. You’re going to ask me to lose, aren’t you?”

  “No. I’m going to ask you to fight her like you mean it, even if it means she loses. Losing to you won’t make her lose the bid for adoption. It’ll prove her determination even more. I’m backing her, and should you defeat her, I’m confident I can beat you—and while I love my grandmother dearly, I win that fight with a look.”

  “Ah. I see. Yes, if your goal is to prove your determination to adopt, I’ll make sure I’m overseeing the matches and will be your final opponent. Everyone knows I will not take it easy on you just because you’re my grandson. No, if anything, they know I’ll be harsher on you and your bride. You have to live up to the family name, after all. And should you win, losing to my grandson and bride is not a shame. Should she fairly beat me, it’s a good thing. And as for your grandmother, she’s used to being knocked out early. She’ll forgive you for petrifying her.”

  “Bailey wouldn’t forgive herself if Grandmother was hurt, so I’ll end that fight before it really begins. I’ll give Bailey a chance to tussle with you a little first, though. If Bailey needs a breather, well, I’ll let Grandmother beat on me for a while first.”

  My grandfather laughed. “She’ll enjoy that. She’s going to try to spank you both if given a chance despite knowing she’ll lose.”

  “You’re in?”

  “We’re in. I’ll claim the role of overseer of the match. You just worry about those whelps and your bride. I’ll impress upon the hives you’re planning on adopting them, so you two are there to endure a beating and fight. You need to control your temper, though. Bailey needs to prove her dedication to the whelps. Granted, I don’t think it’ll be much of a fight. Bailey wears her emotions on her sleeve. The whelps are smart. They’ll see how much she wants to love them from the first match.”

  I nodded. “I know how it works. I’ll keep my temper in check.”

  “You’re unreasonable when it comes to your bride. Franky, I’m amazed you haven’t retrieved her yet.”

  “I’m regretting I haven’t. She’s about to create a great deal of trouble, I’m sure.”

  “Well, don’t worry about the gorgon situation. I’m handling things. As your bride is always creating trouble, I feel I need to remind you that she’s capable of handling the trouble she creates.”

  I sighed. “That’s a stretch. Remember the hotel?”

  “That’s hardly her fault. She was sick and didn’t know then she could go to you for help. That has changed.”

  A lot had changed. “I’m still worried.”

  “As am I. Be careful. I fear this will get much worse before it gets better.”

  Bailey

  A snowy, empty parking lot at a long-dead strip mall made the ideal place to put my wayward wayfinding magic to the test. Blizzard appreciated the chance to stretch his legs and roll in the snow while I prepared the piddly ritual required to breathe a trail to life.

  If I did find an abandoned big cat kitten for Quinn, I might have to put my magic in timeout until it developed a better sense of humor and some common sense on the side.

  As I really didn’t want to figure out how to keep a big predator from eating my dogs, my friends, me, or my husband, I flung the chalk and said, “Find me an orphaned big kitty kitten that won’t eat me, my friends, my family, my pets, or my husband that actually wants to be adopted into my lunatic life—and it can’t be infected with any disease, or illness, or virus.”

  There. I was guaranteed failure with those requirements.

  The falling chalk erupted into golden, sparkling light and slithered over the snow to create a trail for me to follow.

  “You have got to be fucking kidding me.”

  Perkette burst into helpless laughter.

  “This is not funny, Perkette. This is the absolute opposite of funny.”

  “This is fucking hilarious. You tried so hard to fail. You left out the part about a dumpster, but you added a ridiculous number of other clauses, so I can’t complain. It’s fate, Bailey. Just accept it.”

  “Fate sucks. I’m inviting a predator capable of eating me into my home.”

  “It is what it is. You’re driving.” Perkette tossed me the keys. “It’ll be good practice for you.”

  “How is it I end up driving myself to the next disaster whenever I use my magic?”

  “Stop whining and start driving, Bailey. If you think this is bad, after we pick up Quinn’s kitten, you get to drive us to the more serious disaster. I’ll be nice and give you a break if you need one. In other news, we’re going to need a lot more neutralizer.”

  I glanced at the fifty pound bag of the highest grade neutralizer on the market, which took up a horrendous amount of space in the back. “You have got to be kidding me. That bag cost me ten thousand dollars, Perkette.”

  “Get two or three more. We might need it.”

  “What the fuck am I going to do with that much neutralizer?”

  “Save lives.”

  That shut me up, and I wondered just how major of an outbreak she expected; the fifty pound bag could potentially treat thousands to tens of thousands of people of the most dangerous ailments, rabies included.

  If I went the risky treatment route, which had a one in five thousand chance of requiring a full set of vaccinations and general illness, a single pound of neutralizer could treat several thousand people. It didn’t take much for internal treatments. Topical treatments took a great deal more neutralizer.

  It only took a two pound bag to treat someone with a glass coffin.

  I sighed. “I’m going to wipe out the stocks if I buy that much, Perkette. The only reason I was able to get a fifty pound bag is because the distributor just got a new batch in.”

  “Buy it in ten pound bags near expiration. When this goes down, my bet will be soon, and while the CDC won’t sell or use it on the general public, they will sell it to you. If a major outbreak doesn’t happen, no big deal. If it does, you’ll be set.”

  “The SUV can’t hold that much neutralizer, us, a dog, and a cat.”

  Perkette pointed at the SUV’s tow hitch. “It can. We get a trailer. For now, we’ll only get an extra hundred pounds. But if we think we need more, we pick up a trailer and we load it up with more neutralizer.”

  Quinn had rumbled about wanting a small trailer to go camping in so we could escape the city on the weekends. We’d have to exchange the SUV for a serious truck, but I thought we could get away with it. I could afford the transfer fee to get the SUV back to New York. If I got an extra hundred pounds of neutralizer before caving and getting a truck and a trailer, the entire back would be loaded with pink, sparkly powder. “Quinn’s going to kill me when he finds out about this.”

  “He’ll congratulate you on your wisdom.”

  “I willingly went on a road trip with you, Perkette. That’s the exact opposite of wise. Is this going to prove I shouldn’t be a police chief? It should.”

  “Relax, Bailey. Just follow the magical trail. Everything will be just fine.”

  Quinn

  To catch my wife, I utilized every cheat at my disposal. First, I visited the nearest NY State Police station, showed them my badge, and requested a track on my wife’s rental. Perkins helped, offering his officiated card from the CDC, which claimed his wife was a misdemeanor-collecting fiend who needed adult supervision. The card gave Perkins jurisdiction to conduct some police business in any state when the situation involved his wife.

  The CDC viewed Tiffany Perkins as an invaluable menace, and they classified her brilliance as a national treasure, one that required my friend to be able to retrieve her as necessary
.

  That Tiffany kept her mischief to misdemeanors made all the difference in the world.

  When I explained my wife was being promoted to be a police chief and classified as at risk, the state police joined my team and they got the ball rolling.

  I gave it twenty-four hours before I got a card giving me Federal jurisdiction, too. I should’ve applied for one after my ex-wife had kidnapped Bailey and taken her to Vermont. Then again, the CDC had given me basic jurisdiction on the fly, which had limited my desire to fill out the forms.

  Within two hours, the rental company hooked me up with their tracking software and gave me the vehicle’s code along with a promise they’d give me the codes of any vehicles Bailey or Tiffany rented. To sweeten the deal in my favor, the state police got in touch with every other major rental company and had the women flagged.

  If they rented a vehicle in the United States, I’d know about it within an hour.

  Once I verified their location, I pulled up the weather map, as I liked knowing how bad the drive would be. Within a few minutes, I regretted being thorough. I bowed my head and sighed. “Hey, kids?”

  Beauty and Sylvester stared at me with wide eyes, and I couldn’t tell if they were overwhelmed they were in a police station or if they hadn’t anticipated me asking them for their opinion.

  “Do you like snow?”

  They nodded.

  “My bride and hive queen is about to drive right into a blizzard, and knowing her, she hasn’t checked the forecast. We’re going to go get some snow gear just in case and go to make sure she stays out of trouble.”

  “Is she hopeless?” Beauty asked.

  I laughed. “Only when it comes to snow. Fire-breathing unicorns do not like the snow. She’ll want to hibernate, and she gets grouchy.”

  “Unicorns aren’t real,” Sylvester announced with the confidence only a child possessed.

  “I’m going to do you a favor and not tell Bailey you don’t believe in unicorns. She bites people who don’t believe in her. Well, almost bites people.”

  Perkins snickered. “She snaps her teeth convincingly.”

  Very convincingly. I shook my head, smiled, and watched her rental’s progress on my phone. “Only Bailey would drive right into the heart of an isolated blizzard.”

  “At least it’s not a huge storm. It’ll be fine.” Then, Perkins laughed. “Who am I kidding? This is going to be a disaster. My wife will love it. In good news, Tiffany has done extreme weather research. She’s crazy, but she won’t intentionally put Bailey in danger.”

  I believed him. Tiffany was a lot of things, but beneath her drive to collect misdemeanors and her mad-scientist tendencies, she had a heart of gold. “Bailey will find a way to test Tiffany’s skills.”

  “I’m trying not to think about how likely that is,” Perkins confessed.

  Knowing Bailey was driving right into the heart of some bad weather was going to make me a candidate for the prescription my great-grandfather had arranged. After months of adapting to having her around every day, I only had one method of controlling my worries: work. “I’m thinking we should’ve brought our work laptops with us.”

  “Our phones are fine. We’re on vacation, Sam. That doesn’t mean we work. If we really need to do something for work, we can head to the nearest station. Let’s not waste extra time on unnecessary things.” Perkins pointed at the mountain our wives drove towards. “Tiffany can make a viable shelter out of almost anything. Your wife breathes fire. They’ll be fine.”

  “Bailey hibernates when it gets too cold and she isn’t moving around a lot,” I reminded him.

  “I know. They’ll be fine, Sam. Try to relax. We’re tracking their vehicle, so even if something does go wrong, we can get to them. Right now, we’re eight hours behind them accounting for the weather and traffic. We have the kids, so we’ll have to stop more frequently, but we’ll catch up.”

  I remembered what my great-grandfather had said. We’d catch up, but something would still happen to Bailey—and when a divine said something would happen, it would. Not knowing what would drive me insane. “We need to do some shopping for them, too. Books, toys, and games they can play in the car and hotel.”

  “E-book reader and access to a digital bookstore,” he suggested.

  Beauty tugged on my hand.

  “Yes, sweetie?”

  “We have readers.”

  I shouldn’t have been surprised. Gorgon males did everything they could do for their children. I crouched in front of her and smiled. “I’m going to get you a new one so you can have two if the other needs to be charged or you want new books. Once we’re home, we’ll take you to the library so you can check out paperbacks, too—or to the bookstore so you can buy them if the books you want aren’t available digitally. Bailey loves paper books.” Like with most things, Bailey hadn’t accepted she could buy as many books as she wanted.

  Then again, if she ever figured that out, I’d have to remodel the entire house to make space for all the books she wanted.

  I hoped Bailey never lost her sense of wonder. Everything was still a treasure to her.

  Beauty’s eyes widened, and her serpents stirred, lifting their heads. “Really?”

  Uh oh. I recognized her expression. It was a perfect match for Bailey when she was about to goose me for something because I’d mentioned she could get something. “Really.”

  I didn’t have the heart to tell her the real reason behind the new e-reader. I would have to muster my courage sooner than later, but how was I supposed to tell them their father wouldn’t be coming back? I was still a stranger to them. I would have to, soon, but it could wait for a day or two.

  Just because my grandfather hadn’t seen a future with their father in it didn’t mean us humans couldn’t change the future. We could.

  Maybe.

  That was the problem with us mortals. We changed things.

  But while mortals changed things, I didn’t doubt my grandfather’s word. Their father had likely already died.

  Until I found the courage to tell them what we feared, I would buy the books they already had, fill their e-readers with the books they wanted, and prepare for when they learned the truth. “Why don’t you and your brother make a list of books you’d like to read while I finish this?”

  Beauty abandoned me, darting to her brother with a squeal.

  Uh oh. I also recognized that level of excitement from Bailey. “I see I’m adopting a pair of book dragons.”

  “It could be worse.”

  Yes, it could be. “Since we’re talking technology for them anyway, if they ask about phones, they will not be getting phones with data access. They’re not to use our devices, either.”

  “All right. Basic at most?”

  “Text messaging and calling only, and they’ll have strict rules they need to follow. Gorgon whelps are often trafficking targets.”

  “But why?”

  I shrugged. “They’re exotic sentients, and they’re very pliable when they’re young, so they’re stolen to become pets of the wealthy. They’re almost to the age where they can better protect themselves, but not yet. Until they’re eighteen, they’ll be homeschooled or tutored. Some hives send their children to public school, but it’s dangerous. For now, I’ll bring them to the station on workdays with laptops. I’ll ask my grandfather to set up the schooling software he uses for his hive.”

  “It takes a village to raise a child?”

  “And an entire station of cops. It’ll be interesting. They’ll want to help.”

  “That sounds like a disaster in the making.”

  I laughed. “I hope not, but we’ll see. If the station doesn’t work out, I’ll make arrangements with another hive. Beauty will be in demand.”

  “Bailey won’t like that at all.”

  “No, she won’t. But in good news, Beauty will have her choice of man when she’s ready to join a hive.”

  Perkins snorted. “Bailey is going to need a very big stick until that
girl’s eighteen.”

  “I think Bailey will be fine.” She didn’t need a stick. She had a horn and breathed fire.

  “I’m going to remember this later,” Perkins promised.

  He would. “She has claws, teeth, and a horn. She doesn’t need a bat.”

  “I’m definitely going to remember that, too—especially when Bailey resumes her self-defense classes with Amanda.”

  “I can’t win this, can I?”

  Perkins grinned. “Not this time.”

  “All right, you win, but only because Bailey does have this bad habit of finding trouble.”

  “Where are we going to find e-readers for the kids, anyway?”

  “Where else? The bookstore.”

  “You’re going to take two book-starved kids to a bookstore?”

  “Yes.”

  “We’re never going to catch up to our wives.”

  “I’m sure it’ll be fine. It’s a bookstore, not a maze.”

  The look Perkins shot me informed me I was wrong. As he was probably right, I shrugged and hoped I’d be able to rein them in somehow.

  Bailey

  The trail led us straight up a mountain into the heart of a blizzard. With ten foot visibility at best, by the time my glittery, glowing path veered off into the trees, I regretted everything.

  “Well, your furry ass isn’t going to like this. I’ll stay in the car with Blizzard.”

  Sighing, I bowed my head. I would freeze, I’d want to hibernate, and I’d definitely catch a cold. With my luck, I’d come down with pneumonia again.

  Shit, shit, shit.

  “When I’m hallucinating in the hospital again, tell Quinn I did this because I love him that much.”

  “You’ll be fine. I’ll drive us down the mountain after, take you to a hotel, and make sure you get warmed up properly. You can handle a little cold.”

  I pulled over, turned on the hazard lights, and retrieved a transformative pill from my purse. The idea of standing naked in the snow didn’t thrill me, but I had an orphaned kitten to rescue from a blizzard. “Its name is Avalanche.”