Shadows Amongst Light (The Spy Who Loves Me)

by Eason, Mary

  “He’s really gone isn’t he Matt? I can’t believe it. Are you sure?”

  “Yes...” Matt told me reluctantly as if by doing so he was betraying Noah’s confidence in some way.

  “He didn’t want you to tell me that, did he?”

  “No. He thought it best to just leave things the way they were between you.”

  “I can’t stand this, Matt. I can’t stand the thought of losing him. I never thought I’d feel this way. I miss him.”

  “Cameron, for crying out loud. Why now? Why do you choose to say this now and to me when for as long as I’ve known about you two, you’ve treated Noah and nothing but a side note in your life? Do you know how much you hurt him?”

  “No. Matt no, please, don’t say that. I never meant to hurt Noah. I love him.”

  “Well, it’s a little too late for that, isn’t it?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Nothing. Nothing, just forget I said anything.” Matt added but I’d figured it out.

  “He’s not coming back is he, Matt.”

  “Why should he? What’s waiting for him here?”

  I literally flinched at those words as if he’d struck me but I found that I needed to talk about Noah even with someone that clearly blamed me for our failed relationship.

  “He’s going back to working internationally? But what about the shop?” I asked ridiculously. Of all things, that Noah would be concerned about the shop would be the last. But I was fighting against the tears that were close.

  “I’m going to keep it going until he decides.”

  “He’s never coming back is he?” I said the words again but I still couldn’t believe them.

  I took Matt’s silence for my answer. Matt just didn’t want to say those words.

  “What happens to The Organization now? Will we still stay together as a team? This was Noah’s life. His creation. No offense, Matt but Noah was the glue that kept us all together. We aren’t exactly the types to get along, as you well know.”

  “No, you’re right. We don’t really have a choice now do we? No one leaves The Organization. We’ve made a commitment to it. We’re in for life. But I’ve talked to Adam and we need to get someone in as quickly as possible--another recruit although replacing Noah will be all but impossible. Maybe that girl who roughed up those guys the other night is available? She sounds like she might fit right in.”

  I knew that Matt was only trying to lighten the mood between us, but I didn’t really know what to say. How could I tell him that he already had that girl? I was afraid no one would believe me even if I did come clean.

  “What’s up with you? You finally realize what a mistake you made letting Noah go after all?” Gina asked me smugly when I was the last one at the meeting.

  I knew that I looked like hell—I certainly didn’t need Gina to point that out to me. After all, it was all there on my face. The long sleepless nights of searching for answers and gaining nothing. And then there were the useless tears I’d cried since Noah’s departure.

  “That’s not really any of your business,” I told her trying my best to sound civilized but I didn’t quite pull it off.

  “Well, what did you really expect, Cameron.” I didn’t miss Gina’s smug smile. I’m sure she was only too happy to hear the news of Noah and my demise.

  Any other time I would have argued that point. Tonight with Noah’s loss still weighing heavy on me I let Gina’s last remark slide. I’m sure that was as surprising to her as it was to me.

  Noah had been the only thing keeping peace between us for some time now. I was afraid that poor old Matt would never stand a chance with two strong females that he had no idea how to deal with.

  I noticed that Gina had managed to move her chair a little closer to Matt. She was making her next move. She hadn’t been able to make it with Noah but she wasn’t going to lose out to me with Matt.

  “Gina, drop it, will you. Cameron’s been through enough. Look, people let’s just concentrate on the job before us now. I know that Noah’s leaving has left us all feeling out of sorts. We need to focus. Noah would want that. After all, The Organization was his creation. He’d want it to continue to be successful. Okay, the reason I called you all together tonight is we need to go over some disturbing intelligence I’ve just found out about today. And,” he added a little more reluctantly his gaze barely reaching mine. “We have to decide what we want to do about replacing Noah.”

  “What are you talking about? I thought this was only temporary. Noah’s coming back after his assignment ends, isn’t he? Wait, just exactly how long is he going to be gone?” Shane asked not at all pleased with this new turn of events. You see I think Shane thought since he was a field agent and Matt was, well Matt was a brainy guy, that he should have received the command. Shane always imagined himself just a little bit more competent that he actually was.

  “We won’t know for sure, but Adam has authorized me, in Noah’s absence, to take over the control of The Organization and to look for someone to fill in. He has a couple of candidates in mind and I’ll be interviewing them later in the week. I think it’s important in the light of all the new intelligence we’re uncovering. We need someone who can fit in with our group and help with our already strained workload.”

  “Shane, just shut up and listen to the boss. Matt knows what he saying. And besides daddy put him in charge so that’s the way it’s going to be.” Gina threw poor Matt her best come hither look that seemed to have the opposite effect on him. If anything Matt was more confused by her change in attitude towards him. Up until now, Gina hadn’t really had much to say to Matt except to basically make fun of him. I watched with only a small amount of amusement as Matt inched his chair a little further from Gina.

  “All right, listen up because whether or not we get anyone to replace Noah physically we all need to be extra careful.”

  At the first sign of authority in Matt’s, voice everyone in the room shut up. More out of surprise, I think than anything else.

  “I talked to one of my informants and I’ve found out some very disturbing things. Apparently, there’s some sort of meeting taking place outside the city this week. There’s a new player in the mix--someone we’ve never even heard of before. My informant told me that this guy seems to have an awful lot of power for someone new.”

  Matt turned to me at that point. “Cameron, anything further on the document? Anything that might tell us what this meeting is all about. Because I’m hearing some very disturbing facts. Guys, if what my informants are telling me is true, it looks like the five top terrorist cells operating in our country are on the verge of working together. Someone apparently has managed to convince them to put aside all of their differences and egos and work together for one common goal.”

  I knew in light of this new turn of events that it was time for me to tell Matt everything that I knew. However, I decided I couldn’t do it in front of the team. I would make it a point to call Matt later tonight. I needed one last chance to reach Judah. If that failed, I had to come clean.

  “Matt, I’m close. I should know something more tonight.”

  “Wait--you’re saying you think the different factions cells are uniting?” Shane interrupted incredulously. “That’s insane Matt and you know it. It would never work. These people are all about being in charge. They’d never concede that to another leader.” Shane dismissed without a second thought.

  “That may be Shane, but something is happening. Not all of what I told you just now came from informants. And even if a portion of it is true, I’m thinking anyone with enough persuasion to get these tough guys to agree on anything is dangerous. Anyone able to accomplish that can pretty much have complete control. There will be no stopping him folks. This could be the worst possible thing that could happen. We’re talking cataclysmic here folks so we need to get busy. Get your ear to the ground and find out what’s being said about this meeting about this new person. We need information and we need it yesterday.”
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  “Oh come on Matt. Surely, your snitches are exaggerating this whole thing. It’s ridiculous that we’re even considering this as real. They won’t listen to their own leaders half the time, what makes you think they’re going to listen to an outsider?” This was Shane attempt to assert his opinion. Had I not seen the proof that this was real, I would have never believed it myself.

  “Shane, just shut up and let Matt finish,” I told him before turning back to Matt. “Is this as serious as it sounds? Who do you think this guy is?” I asked but I already knew. I’d met him several times already. I knew him to be Davis.

  “Either my informant isn’t saying or he really doesn’t know. I’ll find out one way or another. If he’s keeping secrets, I’ll get them out of him. In the meantime, we need to pull out all the stops. I need you all working on this. Call in whatever favors are due you from whatever contacts you have. Until we know one way or another, plan to work on this alone. We’ll need to get back together tomorrow night and I will be expecting progress from everyone.”

  “Tomorrow? You actual think we’re going to have time to find out anything by then? Matt, this is crazy. I want it on the record that I’m opposed to the way this is being handled,” Shane said angrily. Shane was determined to dismiss or challenge anything Matt had to say.

  “Yes, well I don’t and since I’m in charge we’re doing it my way. So get used to it, Shane. If you don’t like the way I’m handling things then you’re certainly free to talk with Adam about it. However, I expect you and everyone else to be here tomorrow night with someone to contribute. Might as well get comfortable being here folks. Because if what I think is about to happen really is then you can expect to be meeting every single night for as long as it takes to figure this out. Cameron, I need something from you. Whatever you can get me as soon as possible.”

  *****

  Once I was certain I was in the clear and no one from the team had followed me, I started in the direction of the last place I’d seen my brother. I knew that if I didn’t find Judah tonight there was absolutely nothing I could do to help him.

  I waited there for hours and was almost ready to give up when he appeared.

  Cameron,” The sound of my name could have been only a whisper but in the stillness around us, it sounded like a shout.

  “Judah?”

  “You shouldn’t have come here, Cameron. I told you it was dangerous.” Even as he said the words, my brother moved closer to me.

  Then I stood before him looking at the man that was nothing like the boy of seventeen that I remembered. It was all there in his eyes. A coldness that depicted a killer. I knew that then everything I’d read about my brother was true.

  However, he was still my brother. Some of that kid had to be left somewhere. We were family after all.

  “Can I touch you?” I asked tentative for once. Now that I was face to face with my brother, I wasn’t sure how to react to him. I’d never been in this situation. I was on the opposite end from Judah. I didn’t know how to respond to my own brother.

  “Yes,” I went into his arms after a moment’s hesitation. It felt awkward somehow. Accepting Judah as my brother especially after realizing who he was. We were both trying so hard. Judah was being very careful not to get too close to me, which surprised me. After all, this reunion had been a long time coming. I could almost see mom and dad smiling at me know.

  I felt my brother’s hand came in contact with my weapon and he froze.

  “It’s okay Judah. It’s only there as a precaution. I wasn’t sure...” I left of that sentence unsaid. Judah knew what I was. There was no need for explanation.

  He pulled a little aback from me his fingers touching my face. I hadn’t realized until that moment that I was crying. My tears took us both by surprise.

  “Cameron, don’t cry. Please--don’t cry.” My brother awkwardly tried to brush aside my tears. I could tell that it had been a long time since he’d touched another human the way he was with me.

  “Can you stay with me for a little while Judah? Please, please don’t leave just yet.”

  He slowly nodded before releasing me as if the very contact with me hurt. But then, maybe it was the just the reminders of what he’d once had. The family he’d once been a part of.

  “We should find someplace safer than this. It’s too public. There are those from both sides watching us you know.”

  I followed him inside an abandoned storefront where we found a couple of old chairs strewn around.

  For a long time neither of us knew what to say to each other. We sat quietly listening to the sounds of the city outside the crumbling walls of the store.

  “You know about mom and dad?”

  He nodded. I knew that I had to ask the question I didn’t want to ask.

  “Did you have anything to do with their deaths, Judah?”

  The expression on my brother’s face was what hurt most of all. “No. No, of course not. How could you think that Cameron?”

  “I don’t really know you anymore do I Judah. What happened to you? How did you become a part of it? How can you do those horrible? How could you do that to them, to their memory. Especially knowing everything that dad stood.” I had to ask at last.

  “I can’t tell you details Cameron. I can’t. They’d kill me if they knew I was talking to you right now. All I can say is you don’t understand everything Cameron.”

  “No? What don’t I understand Elijah.” I saw my brother’s expression shift only slightly at the mention of that name but it was enough to know I’d been right. He was Elijah Jacobs.

  “So you know about that?” he said cautiously.

  “I know everything. All about you, about the Red Jihad. Trust me Judah it’s been well documented. We’ve had you under surveillance for a long time now.”

  “And you think you know everything, is that it, Cameron. You’ve read some information given to you by the Bureau and you think you know all about me.”

  “Are you saying it’s not true?” When he merely watched me with those dead eyes, I lost it. “Tell me the fucking truth, Judah? Tell me that you aren’t the monster I’ve read about. Tell me how my brother, the boy that was so loving as a kid could turn into the emotionless killer that you are right now?” When he still didn’t answer, I went only wearily. “Or tell me that you didn’t do any of those things and I’ll try and help you Judah, but you have to be honest with me. Tell me the truth.”

  He was silent for so long that I believed he wouldn’t answer me at all. “I told you, I can’t tell you anything Cameron.”

  “You know they never stopped looking for you? They never gave up hope of finding you and bringing you back home again. It was all they lived for, for so long. They gave up so much of their life for you Judah I think you owe them something. So I want to know how you could do that to them.” Judah was silent...unyielding. Those empty eyes giving nothing away.

  “Dammit, Judah. Talk to me. I think after all this time I’m entitled to some answers.”

  “Cameron, what good would it do? Would it change anything? I am who I am. Don’t you see that? I can’t change who I am. Can’t take any of the things I’ve done back. And neither can you. Give it up Cameron. Stop looking for revenge for their deaths. You’ll only end up hurt.

  “That’s bullshit Judah. You’re just avoiding accepting responsibility for your part in their deaths. It’s was because of you after all that they went to that town in North Carolina in the first place. You’re right about one thing, we can’t change who we are. I have a responsibility to my superiors to bring you in. So, either you can talk to me now or you can talk to my superiors. I don’t care anymore.”

  Judah’s expression changed at the mention of his cover name. I saw him transformed before my eyes into the cold-blooded killer that I was forced to accept my brother had become.

  “So you know my code name. I’m not surprised. But you don’t know the whole truth. No matter what you’ve read.”

  “What are you sa
ying? That you’re not responsible for the things you’re being accused of. Then who? Davis?”

  At the mention of Davis’s name, my brother was on his feet and coming towards me again.

  I reached for my weapon out of instinct but mostly because I wasn’t sure of him. I saw him freeze before he’d taken only a few steps closer to me. He saw the gun and held his hands up. Judah smiled at my response but he wasn’t sure that I wouldn’t fire. I saw it all there in his eyes.

  “Are you going to shoot me Cameron? You’re going to kill your own brother?” His words sounded confident but gaze never left the weapon in my hand. “Can you shoot an unarmed man?”

  “If I have to--yes. Without blinking an eye so, don’t push it, Judah. Family or not you’re still on the wrong side and I have an obligation to bring you in.”

  “You know I’m a dead man if you do, don’t you Cameron? By either my team or yours, it doesn’t really matter. I’ll never walk out of that interrogation room alive.”

  “Then answer my questions. Sit down Judah.” I was surprised at the calmness of my voice. I’d waited a long time for this moment. All the things I wanted to ask ran through my mind as I watched Judah take his seat again. He still held his hands in the air and I slowly lowered the gun but I didn’t put it back in its holster. I wanted him to believe that I was serious. Even if I wasn’t so sure.

  “I won’t talk about Davis with you. All you need to know is that you are to stay away from him.”

  “Uh-uh...that’s not exactly cooperating Judah. Tell me why I should believe you? Why should I listen to you at all?”

  “Cameron, I can’t. You just have to trust me on this,” he said with more emotion than I’d seen from him up until this point. “He has people everywhere. He’s watching me...you, and God only knows what he’s planning. Just know that everything isn’t always, as it seems. Don’t trust him. Get out of this stupid game while you still can. Don’t pursue this revenge any further and don’t let Davis near you. That’s all that I can tell you.”