Shadows Amongst Light (The Spy Who Loves Me)

by Eason, Mary

  “Matt, are you so sure that he’s really gone?” I stopped once those words were out. Looking around the group, I could see the pity in each of their expressions. They thought I was delusional.

  “Cameron, I’m sorry I know how you felt about him but you have to face the truth. He’s gone. Even if Noah hadn’t been killed that day he wasn’t coming back. Why do you think he sold the house and cleared out everything he owned? Why do you think he left the business to me? He wasn’t planning on coming back.”

  “What? What are you talking about Matt? Noah wouldn’t sell the house without telling me about it. You’re lying.”

  “Sorry Cameron, I didn’t want to tell you like this--certainly not in front of everyone. Noah had been talking about taking an assignment abroad for a while. For months in fact. He missed the international intrigue and he knew The Organization would be left in good hands. He wanted something more challenging for a while.”

  “Then why didn’t he tell me?”

  As I looked into Matt’s eyes in knew the answer to that already. Against my will, I remembered all those times in the past when Noah had tried to talk to me about his feelings but I’d been too wrapped up in what I wanted from life, from our marriage, from him to listen. In the end, we usually ended up arguing or making love. I’d been too blinded by my own demons to see that he had his own. It was then that I realized just how much I must have hurt Noah.

  “Look, why don’t we just get on with the business at hand? None of this matters because Noah is gone. It’s over for Noah.”

  I didn’t hear another word that was said that night. I barely managed to keep it together until the meeting ended. Everyone in the group seemed to steer clear of me. I’d become the outcast.

  I was home before I realized that I hadn’t talked to Matt about leaving. I’d been so stunned and hurt by the new of Noah that I’d forgotten that was the only reason I’d gone to the meeting tonight. Tonight I didn’t care. I was starting to make plans for my life beyond Noah and The Organization.

  Matt seemed to be literally thriving since coming out of Noah’s shadow and taking over control of The Organization. He would be all right. He’d get over losing Noah. But me, well I knew I was history. I couldn’t do this any more. I couldn’t even pretend anymore. I decided before I lost my nerve to sit down at my computer and type a note to Matt letting him know I was through. I would continue my search for answers, but I was done with the games.

  It was time to focus on my child. I had a chance to have a normal life again. I could put The Organization and all the things I’d be a part of behind me and focus on being just like everyone else job. I was good at what I did and I could find a job wherever I decided to call home.

  In all the years my father had worked for the State Department, we’d always lived abroad. There were a few places in the states that we called home and on several occasions, we’d actually taken a vacation. Of course, this was after Judah disappeared or at least those are the only ones I remembered.

  There was one particular ski trip we’d taken to a small town in Colorado. I’d been about fifteen at the time. My mother and I had fallen in love with the little cabin we’d stayed at for a week. We’d even talked dad into agreeing that would be the place we’d spend all of our future vacations at.

  Of course, that hadn’t happened. In fact, we’d never gone there again but somewhere in the small chest, that I kept precious keepsakes from my past in was everything that I had to remember that small ski trip to Eagle Bluff, Colorado that year.

  I dug through the piles of stuff I’d collected in my lifetime before finding the brochures my parents had booked the trip from which I’d kept.

  I went onto the Internet and found the same group of cabins was still there newly renovated according to the advertisement. I came so close to booking a trip there without considering anything else when I received a reminder that my past life still had ties to me.

  Matt had read my email and was responding.

  Even before I read his note, my phone started to ring.

  “Cameron, you can’t leave me as well. I don’t know what Adam said to you and I don’t care. I need you. I need your experience and your expertise. No one else knows who to decipher a code the way you do. If you go, you know Shane will be gone and that leaves me with just Gina from the original group. Gina!”

  “Matt, I’m sorry, I know its short notice, but my mind’s made up. I can’t do this anymore. I’m toast. If I keep going the way that I feel now I’ll end up getting someone killed. Either myself of someone on the team.

  “Is it because of Noah?”

  “Yes, no...Maybe a little. I don’t know anymore, Matt. All I know is I’ve seen all of the dark side of the world I can handle.”

  “Okay,” he said at last. “I guess I understand, but you know that it doesn’t matter where you run to. If they want you, they’ll find you. You won’t ever feel safe. You can’t go back to a normal life, Cameron. You’ll never be free of the job.” I was angrier with Matt than ever. I had no idea at the time how much those words were going to come back and haunt me.

  “I don’t believe that Matt. I can’t. I won’t accept that there’s no getting out. Look at Noah.”

  “Cameron, Noah’s dead. I know that you don’t want to accept that but it’s true. Even if he weren’t, Noah knows he’ll never bet finished. He knew that going in--just like you and me. You never leave the business.”

  I knew all the things Matt was saying were true, but I just wasn’t prepared to accept that fate just yet.

  In the beginning, before he’d brought me into The Organization, Noah had drilled that into my head over and over again. There was not getting out once you were in.

  In all the times Noah and I had talked recently, every single time I told him I was sick of playing this game Noah reminded me of that fate. My fate. I didn’t want to accept it then and I couldn’t accept it now.

  “Well, I’m sorry Matt but I can’t accept that. I won’t.”

  “Maybe you’re right?” Matt said without much conviction. “Look, don’t listen to me. You have to do what’s best for you Cameron. Only you can decide that. Hell, there have been times when I’ve felt the same way. Didn’t think I could stand another day in this business. Then something happened to remind me I’m not ready to get out yet. Only you can know when you’re ready to get out of the game Cameron. And if your mind’s made up then I’m guessing you’re sure.”

  “I am sure Matt. I have to try to have a normal life. I just can’t do this anymore.”

  “Cameron, you know that I wish you the best and I’ll do what I can to protect your privacy. But if you stay in here D.C. you know that will be virtually impossible.”

  “I know. That’s why I’m not staying in D.C. Matt, I’m moving to...”

  “Don’t tell me where you‘re going...” He interrupted. “For your own safety, don’t tell anyone where you’re going from here Cameron.”

  “But what if...” I’d been close to asking what if Noah needed to reach me. I’d stopped myself before the words were actually out. Noah and I had said our goodbyes that last night we spent together. He wouldn’t come looking for me.

  “I’ll be at the next meeting, Matt but I’m not sure how soon before I’ll be leaving D.C. If you’re serious about getting a replacement for Noah you might as well get one for me as well.”

  “I’ve already got a couple of possibilities in mind of course at the time I thought I’d just be choosing one. I’ll ask them both to be at the next meeting so that they can meet the team and we can decide if they’re in our out.”

  “Matt do you think that’s a good idea? I mean what do you know about these people. Do you trust them?”

  “Cameron, I’m not that green. They come highly recommended even by Bureau’s standards. They’re good. They’ve passed all the security checks. Still, as a precaution we’ll meet at the abandoned factory on First Street for the initial interview. I’d like you to be there for that
. I’d like your input you know. After all, you’ve been a valuable member of this team. And I know Noah trusted your instincts.”

  I flinched at the mention of Noah’s name. I couldn’t think about him and not be filled with what I could only believe were wasted emotions. I wondered if there would ever be a time when I didn’t feel this way. Noah and I were tied to each other through the child that he knew nothing about.

  For the first time since joining The Organization, I hated being associated with it. I hated the whole world of shadows and evil. I never wanted to be a part of such dark things again.

  “All right, but just for you, Matt. I won’t stay beyond that. I can’t.”

  “Okay, I understand that and that’s all I’m asking for. Then you’re free to move on with your life. Thank you, Cameron. I know how hard this is for you.”

  “Yes.” Was all I could say but I felt the weight of that decision all the way down to my soul. I prayed that my decision wouldn’t be just another final mistake.

  “Thank you, Cameron. I know it’s asking a lot but look what I’m being left with. Gina who seems to have her own agenda and Shane who is like poison. He wants to run the show and frankly, Noah was afraid he’d try to take over once he was gone. He warned me about Shane’s.”

  “You’re going to have your hands full that’s for sure. So who are the newbies? Both guys, right?”

  “I don’t really want to give out too much about their identity over the phone but yes, both guys.”

  “Well Gina will be happy. She never really liked having competition.”

  “Cameron, you know that Gina never really stood a chance as far as Noah was concerned, don’t you? He was crazy about you right from the start. He used to send me email about you all the time. He didn’t want you to be a part of The Organization at first, you know. For that reason. He was afraid you’d end up getting hurt. He was wrong and so was I. You certainly can handle yourself.”

  At one time, I would have given anything to hear those words. Now, in my present state of mind, I hated their reference. They reminded me of the person I’d become. The woman I no longer wanted to be.

  “Look I have to go Matt, but I’ll see you on Thursday, okay?”

  I hung up the phone feeling even more lost than before. I typed a short note to the school I was working for and let them know that I was leaving and that this note as well as the call I would be making to the superintendent would serve as my notice.

  Then I started to plan for a future with my child.

  After several hours of searching websites for houses that were available around Eagle’s Bluff, I found a small cabin-style house that I fell in love with from the second I pulled it up.

  I decided that I would fly out this week and scout the place and be back in time for the meeting on Thursday.

  I booked airfare leaving Washington early the following morning and was so nervous that I couldn’t sleep. I hadn’t felt this excited about anything in a long time.

  As I thought about Noah’s child growing inside me I had to force myself not to call Noah’s secure number again even though I knew I would be putting both my life and my child’s in jeopardy. Now that it was too late, I wanted to tell Noah everything.

  *****

  By the time my flight boarded for Denver the next morning, I’d managed to forget about the past for the moment. There were unanswered questions that I knew I would have to learn someday. And then there was Noah. I knew myself too well to accept that he was actually dead. I’d find out for sure someday. One way or another even if I had to fight Adam and The Organization to get to that truth.

  When I arrived in Denver, retrieved my bag and my rental car I’d managed to push most of my worries aside.

  By the time I reached Eagle’s Bluff, I actually felt happy for the first time in a long time. I was smiling again. It felt as if it had been years since I’d smiled.

  On the drive up to the cabin, I couldn’t imagine any other place in the world ever being this beautiful. This was the heart of the Rockies. These mountains, rising upward in the range of fourteen thousand feet had been around for thousands of years. For some reason that thought brought me comfort. I wasn’t so sure I was going back to Virginia again.

  I had taken Matt’s warning to heart. I did not intend to tell anyone where I was moving. I’d decided to use my great grandmother’s maiden name of Sinclair to begin my new life.

  The woman at the real estate agency that managed the cabins had told me that Eagle’s Bluff was growing in size but that for the most part there were several nice affordable houses available here. I picked up a listing from her and stopped by the store on the way out of town.

  The town hadn’t changed all that much through the years but I could see that some of modern times had caught up with it. When my parents and I had been here all those years ago, there were only a few tourist shops and a couple of restaurants. Today that had grown to more than a half dozen restaurants not to mention clothing stores and coffee shops. The place was definitely on an upward spiral.

  The agent told me that this time of year was still considered the off-season. The summer vacation crowds were just about over. Most people were back in school by now and it was still several months before the ski season kicked in.

  By the time, I arrived at the rental cabin I was ready to sleep. My months of sleepless nights and years of searching the darkness for the enemy had left me feeling like I could literally sleep for weeks.

  I made a sandwich and pretty much fell asleep while eating it. I decided the first order of business was to relax.

  Unfortunately, for someone used to dealing in the dark world of terrorism, I was finding it hard to relax.

  The cabin was out in the middle of nowhere without any outside lighting except for around the house itself. Every little sound outside only reminded me of how hard it was going to be for me to get away from my past.

  By the time morning came, I was more exhausted than before. I made breakfast and went for a long walk before going back into town to look at several of the listings that were for sale.

  After looking at several houses that were within my budget, I finally decided on one that wasn’t. It was out in the middle of nowhere perched amongst several mountains and surrounded by trees. No one was going to just wander off the beaten path and find me unless on purpose.

  After looking over the two-story, three bedroom log home I’d first seen on the web that night I knew it was the one for me.

  “I want it Mrs. Reynolds,” I told the plump gray haired lady dressed in a man’s flannel shirt and jeans.

  “Are you sure, honey? I know you said you were looking to spend a set amount?”

  “I know what I said and Yes, I’m sure. I love this place. It will be worth the extra money.”

  I’d never once touched the money my parents had left me but I knew now how important it was for me to remain as off the radar as possible. If that meant spending a little extra to achieve that then it would be money well spent.

  An older couple had owned the house several years before they were forced to sell it due to the husband’s failing health. The place came fully furnished and stocked to the hilt with such basics as a coffee maker and blender not to mention extras like silverware and dishes.

  I told her that I would be writing her a check for the full amount. That caused her a moment of speechlessness before she regained a little of her composure.

  “Okay, well when would you like to close?” Mrs. Reynolds’ asked me still not convince.

  “As soon as possible. Can you make that happen?”

  “Well honey, anything’s possible for the right amount of money. When would you like to move in?

  “How does next week sound?”

  “Sounds like I’d better get busy that’s what it sounds like to me.”

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  I stayed just long enough to sign all the paperwork for the house to be mine, before catching a flight back to D.C. and what was going to
be my final Agency meeting.

  I arrived back to the scorching temperatures that were setting records all over Maryland and Virginia and couldn’t wait to be back and settled into my new life.

  I’d rented my apartment all those years ago fully furnished so that the only things I would be taking with me were my clothes and the few personal belongings that I owned.

  In spite of the fact that I’d never really felt close to any of The Organization members other than Noah, it was still harder to walk away than I imagined.

  So much of my life had been spent with these people working for what we believed was good. I’d never expected how hard it was going to be to end this thing.

  As usual, I was the last to arrive. The second I walked into the room, I knew that Matt had told the group about my leaving. All eyes were on me as I took my seat and waited for the first question.

  “Cameron—you’re leaving? How can you just leave the team after all this time?” This was the last thing I’d ever expected to hear from Gina. “Is it because of Noah?”

  “Gina, I told you, that’s none of your business but as a matter of fact no, it’s not. It’s just time for me to move on. That’s all.”

  “So you’re going to do what? Open your own bakery?” This was Shane. “Come on Cameron. You’ll miss all this excitement. You’ll be bored out of your mind in a week--if that. You can‘t walk away. No one does that.”

  “Look, I’m not answering any more questions. I’m done and that’s it. It’s time for me.”

  “Why don’t you all just leave Cameron alone?” Matt interrupted whatever remark Shane had been prepared to make. “She knows what’s best for her. Who’s to say the rest of you wouldn’t do the same thing given the circumstances so stop acting so shocked. Anyway here comes Frank and Patrick so shut up with the questions okay? I don’t want them to see any problems here. We’re supposed to be a team, remember. We support each other no matter what they decide to do. Even if one of the wants to leave the team.”

  From just outside the door two sets of footsteps stopped and I could almost picture them looking to each other, trying to decide who was going to be the first to knock. Together then remaining Agency team smiled as Gina counted silently. One...two...three. Then one of them was knocking...hard.