Alice by Accident

by Lynne Reid Banks

  You’ve heard Gene critisising me about the way I bring you up. She thinks I tell you things I shouldn’t and that I’ve put you off men and I let you watch TV that’s too grown-up for you and she thinks I take you to trashy movies and that I don’t cook the right foods for you. And she thinks I’m a hypercondriak and I fuss too much about your health.”

  I said, “Well you did tell me that if a moskito bit me I’d get malaria, and that was silly.” She said, “I didn’t say that and don’t call me silly Alice. The fact is Gene just can’t mind her own business. I know she’s done alot for you and I’m greatful but I can’t let her tell me how to treat you or what to let you watch, that’s a mother’s job not a grandmother’s.”

  I said yes, but that’s been going on ever since she first came. Something else must have happened.

  She said, you remember the night we spent at her new flat. I didn’t want to be there and I was nervous and when you were asleep Gene and I started to talk and she suddenly said had I taken you to see Batman? We’d had a fratch about it ages ago, she said I shouldn’t, but I told her I had and that it was none of her business. She said she was sick and tired of being the one who took you to all the good things like the ballet, and plays, and buying good books and good tapes for you, when all I did was feed you rubbish. She said if I didn’t start backing her up about giving your mind the best instead of going against her she didn’t see why she should spend thousands of pounds giving you a privalijed education. I think she was threatening to stop paying your fees.”

  Now to be truthful I hadn’t liked Batman in fact I had nightmares about the Jester but I usually love going to the movies with Mum specially the grown-up ones. So I said, “but I like going to movies and watching TV with you just as much as going to plays and the ballet with Gene.”

  She said “I know and I think I’m giving you a balance so you can decide what’s good and what’s bad.

  I said “Was that all?” Mum said no. The really bad part came later.

  And when she said that, suddenly I knew what it was, because I was there in the room when it happened.

  SCHOOL NOTEBOOK

  THE MAGIC SHOWER

  by Alice Williamson-Stone

  In my grandma’s house is a magic shower. It works like this. You’re in the bath and you’ve washed your hair and you need the shower to rinse out the shampoo. So this shower is a rubber hose that fits on to the taps so you turn on the water and mix it to the right tempratur and you start rinsing your hair and suddenly you’re not in the bath any more you’re in a pool on a dessert island and you’re not holding a rubber pipe you’re holding a snake!!!

  And you try to let it go but it curls tight around your hand. And you are dead scared of course. But it’s not a fierce snake. It curls round your hand in a friendly way until just its tail is holding you and then it begins to tug you to follow it.

  It pulls you along until you come to some thick jungle and you peep through and see a fancy dress party going on on the beech with a steel band. And you’re very embarased because you haven’t any clothes on because of being in the bath before the magic worked and you tell the snake you want to stay in the bushes and the snake hisses to some monkeys that come and bring some beautiful big shiny leaves and flowers and they fasen them on to you like a dress, they even put flowers in your hair.

  Then the snake tugs you out into the open and all the party people turn and see you and they all go WOW. The snake slides up your arm and around your neck and hisses in your ear, “you have to dance and sing.” And it gives you magic power and you dance Spanish like Carmen and sing “There’s a café on the corner” and they all applord.

  All except one person who is a man dressed as a woman who says, “You aren’t one of us.” He comes towards you and you beg the snake to save you but it can’t and the man picks you up and throws you in the sea. And all your leaves and flowers fall off and you think you’re going to drown but then you find yourself back in the bath with the water going cold. And the snake says “Wasn’t that fun?” and goes back to being a rubber shower.

  This is very strange and a bit disturbing, Alice. More like a dream than a story. But I think I must give you an A this time. Punctuation is much better. Copy 5 times: temperature, desert, beach, embarrassed, applaud.

  When in doubt use your dictionary.

  An A at last! And she didn’t say a word about my cursive either. The other girls are beginning to notice how I write and say it’s nicer than theirs. We’re at the doctor’s. Mum’s in with him having a check up and I’m writing this while I wait for her, I brought my special notebook with me.

  The bad part happened not that night Mum was talking about but the next night. It was the night before I started at my new London school that Mum finally found for me but I think Gene got me in there at the last minute. She’s quite famous and maybe that’s why I passed the entrance test even though my maths are bad. My English is very good and I must say that’s a bit because of Gene. She drove me crazy last summer making me do reading and comprehension tests all the time, she kept saying “read the rubric! read the rubric! Which ment the instructions and that really helped with the entrance test.

  Mum had to take a day off work to take me to the uniform shop and Gene paid, she said it was a racket because you have to have a uniform and there’s only one shop you can buy it at so they can charge what they like. Even the knickers cost a fortune and you have to have them for gym. She wouldn’t pay for the blazer which was over £60 she said I could get a second-hand one at school but she bought the rest except walking shoes, Mum bought those. It was mostly dark grey but the blouse and sweater (and the blazer) were red and it looked really smart. I wished I could have a new blazer and I nagged but Gene said NO. She gets very stubborn if she thinks she’s being ripped off.

  Mum took everything to Gene’s new flat and I put it on and showed off to Gene, and Mum and I slept there in her spare room which was all blue and lovely and had a lovely print by Klimpt who’s our favourite. The next day was the day before my first day at school. That must of been the night they had that row Mum told me about. Anyhow Mum went off to work without saying much and I slept late and then Gene and I spent the day together.

  She took me to Kew Gardens and we sat by the lake and played The Game (that’s what actors call it) where you act out titles. I’m very bad at guessing but good at the acting. I wanted to act titles all the time and not have to guess but so did Gene. So we stopped playing and fed the ducks and swans and talked about religion.

  Gene told me long ago she doesn’t believe in God. But she said in the new school there would be prayers and alot of religious lessons because it’s that kind of school and it would be best if I just listened at first and made up my own mind, but not to let anyone brain wash me. She said “Christian schools are often very good but that doesn’t mean you have to believe things that don’t make sense to you.” She said asking questions was very important and that in good schools they want you to, even about God.

  I always liked it the way Gene talked to me like a grown-up and I asked her about sex. She said I shouldn’t get hung up about it because it’s very nice when you really love someone. She said not all men are awful and predertery (that’s like birds of pray and foxes). She said “Most people are kind and decent. You just have to learn to reconise the few bad ones which isn’t easy but don’t go being frightened of everyone, it’ll spoil your life.”

  I said “Do you think my mum is frightened of everyone?” and she said “Your mum has had a very difficult life and she’s overcome a lot of hard things. She’s done very well and you should be proud of her. But the hard things have made her suspishous and nervous. I hope your life will be easier and better and won’t put you off people.” I said, “Mum’s my Number One and you’re my Number Two.” And she sat with her arm round me and we looked out over the water that was all glittery like flat fireworks and she said, “You’re my Number Two too.” I said, “What about Grandad?” and she said,
“He and your dad are a tie for my Number One. But you’re very close behind. I always wanted a little girl and although I wish some things were different I love you to distraxion.”

  Then we went back to our house. She’d bought special sandwiches and cream donuts which she adors but which make her feel guilty and we had tea. Then we rehearsed a play for about an hour with the cut-out toy theatre Gene made for me ages ago after she took me to the Toy Theatre Museum. It was a mellowdrama called Maria Martin in the Red Barn, which was so funny, Gene did the villun with a mad larf and I did Maria. I had to do her lines while I moved the little cut-out figgers on a wire. Maria on a wire, it rhymes.

  When Mum came home from work we made her sit down and we did the play for her. I didn’t even have to read my part, I knew it already, and I did Maria screaming as she was being chased by the villun, and I did the hero too who came to rescu her with a deep voice. We got our wires in a bit of a tangle but it went really well. Mum looked very tired and I was disappointed because she didn’t get excited about our play she just got up and said, “Very good, now I need my tea.” (Mum always says she’s a tea-aholic. I wished I’d saved a cream donut for her.)

  She said I had to go to bed early because of school which was a long journey away on the train and a bus but I hadn’t had any supper and we had nothing much in the house so Gene said she’d go out and buy us all an Indian take-away which is my favourite. So she went out.

  And while she was out the phone rang and it was Marion, Gene’s friend in the country, the one with the ponies. I don’t know why she phoned, perhaps she’d forgotten Gene had moved to the new flat, anyway I suppose she asked Mum how she was, and suddenly I heard Mum spouting a whole bunch of stuff about Gene!! How she was interfering and then she said, “She is so egotistical and so aragant, she thinks because she’s got money she can boss everyone about and get her own way, she can even tell me how to bring up my own child.”

  I couldn’t believe it. She was getting really worked up, she was really furious. I kept tugging her and shaking my head. Because Marion was Gene’s friend, and I knew Mum shouldn’t be slagging Gene off to her. But Mum just seemed to go a bit crazy and I couldn’t stop her. Then I couldn’t believe it even more, she started asking Marion if she thought Gene looked after me properly when I’d been staying with her!! She said “I never had an easy moment when she was away from me.” And then we heard Gene at the front door and Mum said goodbye quickly to Marion and hung up.

  Gene came in with the food and said, “Hey, nobody’s laid a table!” so I ran to do it and Mum just sat there as if she was zonked out. She does this sometimes when she’s upset she sort of goes away, she calls it withdrawing. It’s like hiding from everyone even though she’s still there. Gene opened all the little boxes full of lovely Indian food all red and shiny in foil boxes and stuck spoons in them and I put the plates and glasses of water and knives and forks on the table but Mum sat at the dark end of the room and wouldn’t come to eat. I felt scared and went to wisper to her to come but she pushed me away and said “I’m not hungry” in her funny voice.

  So Gene and I ate together. Gene knew something was wrong but she didn’t know what and afterwards she just said goodbye and good luck for school and left. I expect she kissed me but I can’t remember it. I wish I could remember because that’s the last time I saw her.

  Writing all that at the doctor’s gave me a question to ask Mum so I did on the bus. I said, “did Marion tell Gene what you said about her, was that what made her leave us?” and Mum got really annoyed with me. She said “Why don’t you ask me what the doctor said instead of banging on all the time about that bloody woman. I went quiet because I hate it when Mum talks crossly to me in public and I had hurt feelings. But when we got home I got worried and said what did the doctor say. She said she had to have some tests but the doctor thinks she’s got an illness.

  I felt myself go all funny inside as if I might faint or something. I started crying and I said it’s not canser is it because a girl’s mother at school died of canser in Brighton. She said no nothing so bad but it’s something that makes your joints ake and makes lumps come out on your neck. You don’t die from it but it makes you feel rotten and all I need right now with the house and the job and everything is more trouble with my health.

  Mum started to cry too and I put my arms round her but I was thinking, if Gene knew about this she might come back and help us or at least let us stay in the house. But I didn’t dare say anything, I knew Mum would go crazy because she’s very proud. I mean if she’d never go back to Liverpool or ask for help even from her own mum because she thought she hadn’t been on her side against the Big Pig, of course she wouldn’t ask Gene for help now she’s That Bloody Woman. I’m still on Mum’s side 110% but I know she shouldn’t of lost it and slagged off Gene to Marion. Gene must of been so hurt when she heard what Mum’d said.

  I told Nicola and Alexandra at school about Mum’s illness. But I couldn’t talk about Gene at school. Mum had told me not to and anyway I couldn’t. But I needed to talk to someone so today when I was at Sharon’s I told Peony. Peony hasn’t got a grandma and she’s only eight so I didn’t really expect her to be much use but she said, “let’s play, and I’ll be you and you be Gene.”

  I put on a dress of Sharon’s and Sharon pinned my hair up and lent me a hat, not that Gene wears hats but to be grown-up, and Peony put on my blazer. (I got a second-hand one.) Strait away Peony got really angry (pretend) and said, “Why did you leave us and be so horrible and make my mum hate you and want to throw us out?” I started to say about giving the house to my dad, but Peony interrupted. She said “I know all that but it’s no excuse. You’re my grandma and you’re supposed to love me and look after me, that’s what grandmas do.”

  Somehow I didn’t like her being so mean to Gene. I said “How do you know, you haven’t even got one.” Peony said, “You’re being you, not Gene, be Gene and answer.” So I said, “I do love you but I can’t manage with your mum. She just exployted me. She even thinks I didn’t look after you in the country and I did. If I can’t see her I can’t see you.”

  I was already a bit shocked to hear myself saying all that, specially about Mum exployting her. But then I got another shock because Peony stopped being me and started crying which I’d never seen. She took off my blazer and threw it on the floor and shut herself in her bedroom. After I coxed her through the door, she finally said, “You said what my dad said to me, that he couldn’t see me without my mum and he couldn’t stand her. He’s rotten and so is your grandma. If they loved us it wouldn’t matter if they didn’t like our mums.” I said, “My mum had a big row with my grandma.” Peony said, “My dad and mum fort all the time, but so what. If he loved me he wouldn’t care.” She was saying Gene didn’t love me, or not enough. That really hurt and we both got a sad mood and didn’t play any more.

  Today after assembly Brandy said Mrs Dev wanted to see me. I made a face and said gulp what for and Brandy said, “Don’t dramatise Alice, just trot along. So I troted along but I wasn’t exactly happy I mean like what could the headmistress want me for? You usually only have to go to her office if you’ve done something.

  Mrs Dev made me sit down and said “Miss Brand told me your grandmother died, Alice, but she hasn’t died has she? I saw her on a panel on television last night.” I said what panel? I was astonished. I’ve seen Gene on TV alot, but never on a panel where it’s live. Mrs Dev told me what it was but I’d never heard of it. I wished and wished I’d seen it, it would of been like seeing her again.

  She said why did you tell Miss Brand she’d died? I said I didn’t. She said well Miss Brand said you looked very sad when she asked and you didn’t answer so she thought she had died. I sort of mumbled something. She gave me a funny look and said, “Listen Alice, I’d like to invite your grandmother to be our special gest at prize giving. We like to invite someone from the media specially if it’s a relative of one of our girls. Would you like it if she came and gav
e the prizes?”

  I didn’t know what to say. It was sort of a shock. I’d of loved it before the Big Row. I’d of been so proud. But that was then. Now everything was different and horrible and I got that pain again.

  Mrs Dev waited and then said, “You don’t have to ask her, I will. I just wanted to know if you had any objexions.” I shook my head. She said are you all right, Alice, you’ve gone rather pale. I said I was OK. But really I wasn’t because my head shake ment no, don’t ask her, please don’t.

  Luckily prize giving isn’t until June. Maybe she won’t be able to come. I know Mum would die if she knew Gene was coming to our school.

  The other night we watched a film on TV about a family in Ireland long ago that was evicted. The landlord came on a horse with some people called bailifs and threw them out. I couldn’t sleep after it. The kids were all dirty and crying and it was horrible. I asked Mum if that could happen to us and she said “No. We’ve still got our flat in Brighton, I’ll never let us be homeless,” so then I felt better. Of course, Gene knows we’ve got the flat in Brighton so she’s not really like that landlord.