Farther Than I Meant to Go, Longer Than I Meant to Stay

by Tiffany L. Warren

“That’s good, Char. I told you to start looking at some of those executive brothas up in there.”

  “Mmm-hmm . . . Oh, look,” I said, getting off the subject. “There’s Alicia lining everybody up. Must be time to get this show on the road.”

  Lynette took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “This is it?”

  “Yes, sweetie. This is it.”

  Lynette embraced me, and it felt like it was for dear life. For a moment I thought that she really might be making a mistake marrying Jonathan. She seemed so unsure. I planned to keep the two of them in my prayers.

  The bridesmaids were walking out, and I held Lynette’s trembling hand until it was my turn. I didn’t realize that my hands were trembling, too, until I let Lynette’s go. I’d pumped myself up so much that I didn’t know what I was going to do if I walked out there and didn’t see Travis.

  A million things were going through my head as I walked down the church’s long center aisle. I was trying to smile for the photographs and not look too anxious that I didn’t see Travis in the crowd. I wouldn’t have been crushed if he wasn’t here, because something inside told me that the whole thing was one huge practical joke.

  I got to the front of the church and took my post, right next to where Lynette would be standing. I took a deep breath and looked out over the congregation. I wanted to sigh with relief when I saw Travis sitting in the third row. He smiled at me and winked. I smiled back, and then I felt a jab in my back.

  “What are you doing?” Alicia hissed in my ear. “He’s smiling at me.”

  I wanted to burst into giggles, but I maintained my composure. She would find out at the reception. I couldn’t even explain how good it felt to capture a man’s attention over someone who was thin, perfectly pretty, and available. It was like a victory for all big girls around the world.

  I floated through the rest of the ceremony on a cloud. After the newlywed couple was introduced to the church, the entire wedding party was asked to stay in front of the church to receive the guests. I had no problem smiling and hugging and kissing the people in the line, even though some of them were virtual strangers.

  Finally Travis approached. He patted the flower girls on the head, but bypassed all the other bridesmaids and came up to me. Alicia’s mouth was hanging open like an unlatched trapdoor. Travis grabbed my hands and kissed the backs of both of them.

  “Ms. Ellis, you look amazing. I’m so happy you invited me.”

  Lynette saw Travis. I could tell that she was shocked, but she nodded with approval. I was sure she wasn’t expecting Travis to be as fine as he was. His eyes were dancing in the sunlight that poured in from the church windows. Travis’s eyelashes were so long and dark that they almost looked feminine.

  “Thank you for coming. I’d like you to meet the bride and my best friend, Lynette. Lynette, meet Travis Moon.”

  “Well, Mr. Moon, what do you want with my friend?” asked Lynette, and in a tone that was only half joking.

  “Honestly, I want her to be my lady. Is that okay with you?”

  Lynette smiled and said, “Only if you really mean that.”

  “Well, I mean it. Charmayne, I’ll meet you later on at the reception. Did I tell you that you look amazing?”

  Travis walked away from the line and Lynette elbowed me in my ribs. “Girl, you weren’t lying when you said he was fine!”

  “He looks even better today than the first time I saw him.”

  She squeezed my hand. “Well, it’s about time, girlfriend.”

  Next in line was Marvin Baker. He shook hands with Jonathan and hugged Lynette. I waited patiently for him to pass me by without acknowledging me. He shocked me by standing in front of me with his arms outstretched. I warily gave him a polite church hug.

  “How are you doing, Charmayne?”

  “I’m blessed. Thank you for asking.” I was extremely perplexed. It had only been a week since he had tried to avoid speaking to me.

  “You look nice,” he added as he quickly moved down the line, leaving me even more flabbergasted.

  Ebony, who was next in line, giggled and asked, “What do you think that was all about?”

  I shrugged. “Marvin? I don’t know.”

  “You are prime real estate now, honey,” Lynette put in. “Travis is way up the food chain from the likes of Marvin.”

  Ebony’s eyes widened. “Wait a minute. That light-skinned brother you were talking to was Travis? Does he have any brothers?”

  I laughed at the sad irony of it all. Why was I only validated in Marvin’s eyes because of Travis’s attention? Why couldn’t I be judged on my own qualities? First Lady was right, though. Brother Marvin had missed out on something good.

  I continued to greet Lynette’s unending line of guests, but my mind was elsewhere. I just couldn’t stop thinking of Travis. He was real and I wasn’t dreaming! A smile spread across my face and parked itself there—I was on cloud nine. I couldn’t wait to get to the reception, just to see him again.

  The entire bridal party arrived at the reception hall early, because we had tons of photos to take. The reception venue was breathtakingly beautiful. There was a private garden in the rear of the building, complete with every flower imaginable. On the far side of the garden was an enclosed pond that was home to about ten white swans. The place couldn’t be any more romantic.

  Usually, I was not a picture person. I always started out with an upbeat attitude about the whole thing, thinking that maybe I wouldn’t look fat when I finally saw the photos. But it never failed. And I wasn’t talking about the camera adding ten pounds. I was talking about coming to terms with the reality of how big I really was. When I looked in the mirror, I automatically imagined myself thinner. All it took was one really bad photo to bring a big girl back to reality.

  The whole process was depressing. The night of the wedding, however, I became a virtual camera hog. Having a man like Travis on my arm was an ego boost. My newfound confidence had me posing with the likes of Alicia and hamming it up for the camera. I was probably setting myself up to have a heart attack when I saw the pictures, but for the moment I was living diva-style.

  After the photography was done, the wedding party was announced as we walked into the reception. Of course, the first thing I did when I walked into the room was locate Travis. I guess I was still in utter disbelief that he was even there. He was sitting at a table full of beautiful sisters, but he didn’t seem to notice any of them. He grinned at me from across the room, and I tried to smile demurely.

  As soon as we were seated, the wait staff started dishing up the food for the bridal party. I saw that Lynette had spared none of her new husband’s expenses on the catering. Who really needed lobster tail and filet mignon? She could have fed these greedy people baked chicken and meatballs, and they would’ve been satisfied.

  As the bridal party enjoyed their meal, guests stood up to toast the happy newlyweds. After each toast Jonathan kissed Lynette as if to seal the words of encouragement. Travis shocked me when he rose to his feet, glass in hand. Since he’d only just met Lynette and Travis, I wondered what he could possibly have to say.

  “Now, I just met this couple today, and immediately I felt the Spirit of the Lord reveal to me that they were bound for a lifetime of happiness,” Travis said. “I would like to toast Jonathan and Lynette that they should keep God first in their union. Through all of life’s ups and downs, Jesus will keep you. For richer or poorer, He’s a waymaker, and through sickness and health, He’s still a healer! To Jonathan and Lynette!”

  I felt a huge smile spread across my lips. I was touched by Travis’s toast. It seemed as if he’d just preached a message, what with all of the “Amens” and “Hallelujahs” that were heard from the other guests. I felt blessed to have him interested in me.

  That night was a night of firsts, because it was another one of my hard-and-fast rules to avoid the dance floor at all costs. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy dancing, but since I was seldom asked, I usually ended up dancing
in a group of desperate-looking women or worse—doing line dances. I think a lonely woman invented the line dance. She probably got sick of going out to parties and nightclubs holding up the wall, and just started making up steps for every new song that hit the airwaves.

  But the night of the wedding, everything was different. I had a date, and he belonged to me. I had a partner for every song. If I wanted to, I could get sore feet that night, and not just because my shoes were too tight.

  The bride and groom had their first dance and then the bridal party danced. The best man didn’t look too thrilled about having to slow-dance with me, so I did him a favor and extended my hand for an old-school 1970s-style hand dance. I probably should have been offended, but with Travis in the room I didn’t even care that the brother thought dancing with a big girl would ruin his game.

  When all the wedding formalities were over, Travis made his way over to the bridal party table. I could see that a dozen pairs of eyes followed him across the room.

  Travis said, “Miss Ellis, may I please have this dance?”

  I did my best to stifle the silly giggle that wanted to escape from my lips. “Yes, you may.”

  Travis was the perfect gentleman, his left hand resting high on my waist, but not high enough to graze my breast. His right hand was entwined with mine as he swept me across the floor effortlessly, as if I were weightless.

  I couldn’t believe that I was thirty-six years old and having my first real slow dance. It was so different from those obligatory gestures of a family member or friend to keep a girl from feeling left out. It was a real slow dance, from a man who found me attractive and was interested in me.

  I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, allowing all my senses to enjoy Mr. Travis Moon. He smelled incredible, almost intoxicating. I thought he was wearing Nautica or Burberry cologne, but I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t what you would call a connoisseur of men’s fragrances. His breath even smelled good. It reminded me of the peppermint tea that my grandmother used to drink when I was a child.

  I tried to make myself think straight. I couldn’t let myself get too caught up too quickly. I knew absolutely nothing about Travis. If I kept letting my senses have their way, I’d be sprung on the man before I even knew his middle name. When did I get that shallow? I opened my eyes and tried to bring myself back down to earth.

  “So, Travis, are you enjoying the reception?” I asked, hoping that conversation would cool the heat I felt rising within me.

  “Yes, I am. I thought I’d never get to dance with you, though. The dinner was so long and drawn out.”

  “It was long, wasn’t it? That’s just like Lynette. She’s the only sister I know who wants a five-course meal for her wedding reception.”

  Travis laughed. “You’re right about that. Most of us just end up having that soul food buffet thing.”

  “Mmm-hmm. Spaghetti, chicken, meatballs . . .”

  “Dressing and yams.”

  “Knowing those foods don’t even go together!”

  “That’s all right, though! Everybody always leaves full and with a to-go plate!”

  I put my hand on my chest to try to contain my laughter. “Travis, you are funny. Too funny.”

  “Well, I like hearing you laugh. It sounds like music.”

  That caught me off guard. Where in the world was Travis getting these compliments? If nothing else, he was an original. “I like your laugh, too, Travis.”

  I needed to pinch myself to make sure that it was all real. I knew that this had to be of the Lord. Travis had every single last qualification on my husband must-have list. In order for me to even think about getting serious with a man, he needed a job, he had to have some level of intelligence, and he had to be saved. Travis didn’t just have the must-haves, he even had the icing. A part of me was concerned, though. It was that irritating little part of me that contains a trait called common sense.

  I knew that I was playing devil’s advocate with my next question, but I just had to know. “Travis, why are you here with me?”

  “What kind of question is that? Are you serious?”

  “Yes, I am. You could have any woman in this room, and I’m sure you’ve got sisters chasing you down at your own church. So why are you with me?”

  “I know you might not believe this, but some men happen to be attracted to beautiful, successful women. I’m one of them.”

  “Come on, Travis. You know what I’m getting at.”

  “I also am one of those men who adore big women. I admit it. There’s a certain comforting quality to a plus-size black woman.”

  I squinted my eyes and pursed my lips. “Oh, so I remind you of Big Mama, huh?”

  Travis laughed. “Actually, I didn’t have a Big Mama. My grandmother was about ninety pounds soaking wet. I think it goes back to eating pancakes.”

  “What?”

  Travis responded with a straight face. “Well, we always had Aunt Jemima’s syrup on the table. She was nice and round, and I just felt right after a stack of pancakes.”

  I’d heard a lot of tales in my day, but that one took the cake. I guessed it shouldn’t have mattered how he got to love big women.

  Travis burst into laughter. “Charmayne! You look like you’re about to choke on a chicken bone! I’m joking, girl.”

  “Oh. I’m glad.”

  “Honestly, I don’t know why I like big women. It’s just a preference, I guess.”

  “Okay. I accept that. But I have another question.”

  “All right. Go ahead and interrogate me.”

  “You didn’t even know that I was saved when you asked me out. So . . . why did you?” I almost didn’t even want to know the answer to this one.

  “That’s easy. God told me to, clear as day. As a matter of fact, I’ve never heard the voice of the Lord that distinctly.”

  I was speechless. I’d accepted so many negative things in the past with reference to men and myself that I was totally willing to embrace something positive. And Travis loving big women “just because” was better than positive—it was miraculous.

  After we finished dancing, Travis and I decided to take a walk around the courtyard. I appreciated the fact that he didn’t presumptuously try to hold my hand. It was only our first date. Besides, I could not have handled him touching me—I was still giddy from the dancing.

  “It’s beautiful out here,” Travis remarked.

  I nodded, not feeling the need to respond out loud. The silence was not uncomfortable, though. Travis seemed content to reflect on the beauty of his surroundings while I pondered on his beauty.

  Inaudibly, I sent up a prayer of thanksgiving. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Jesus. You said that you would give me the desires of my heart, Lord. You have done over and above that with this man. Teach me how to be the woman he needs . . .

  CHAPTER Six

  Past

  It was two weeks after the wedding, and I was starting a diet. Even if Travis did love big women, I was still uncomfortable when I was out with him. I felt like I had to prove to everybody why Travis wanted me. Maybe I really just had to prove it to myself. At any rate, I had confined myself to a diet and was sitting with Lynette watching her scarf down chicken and pasta Alfredo like there was no tomorrow while I picked at a mixed-greens salad.

  “So, how was your honeymoon?” I asked.

  “It was great. I mean it was Aruba.”

  “Must be nice.”

  Lynette laughed. “What do you mean, must be nice? Girl, you’ve got plenty of money. You can go to Aruba anytime you want.”

  “It helps if you have some company.”

  Lynette leaned forward in her seat and squinted suspiciously. “Mmm-hmm. Speaking of company, that’s why I asked you out to lunch today. What’s up with this Travis guy? What’s his story?”

  “His story?”

  “Yes, you know. What’s wrong with him? He seemed like a real Prince Charming at my wedding, but there’s got to be some glaring flaw.”

  I replied wit
h much attitude. “I really don’t know what you mean. He’s great.”

  “Nobody’s perfect, Charmayne.”

  I knew exactly what she was getting at. She wanted to know why Travis wanted me. There just had to be something wrong with him if he wanted me, right? She almost sounded jealous—as if she wished she’d seen him first.

  “Well, I haven’t seen any problems yet.”

  “Okay, so where did you meet him? Give me all the details. You say he works with you. Did you meet him at a meeting, in the elevator, what?”

  Again I hesitated when given the opportunity to disclose Travis’s profession.

  “He came to my office on business,” I replied evasively.

  “Mmm-hmm. What kind of business?”

  “What’s with the third degree?”

  Lynette rolled her eyes. “Don’t I always ask for details?”

  “You just seem to be relentless today. Why?”

  Lynette dropped her head and said in a very low voice, “I don’t know. It just seems like he’s out of your league.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” My voice had gone up an octave, and I was speaking much too loudly for the quiet restaurant.

  Of course I knew what it meant, but how dare she? Did she think that I could never pull a man like Travis? Even if I didn’t believe I could, she had no right feeling that way.

  I continued, “And what man is in my league, Willie Brown?”

  “Well . . .”

  Tears formed in my eyes. “I can’t believe you, Lynette! You’re supposed to be happy for me.”

  “Of course I want you to be happy, but—”

  I continued angrily, “But what? You don’t think a woman like me can get a guy like Travis. Well, Travis is into me, girl. We’ve been enjoying these two weeks, and I have been having the time of my life.”

  Lynette reached across the table and took both of my hands into her own. “It’s not about you! You can pull any man you want. There’s just something about him . . . Girl, don’t get me wrong. More than anything, I want Travis to be the one.”

  My chest heaved up and down from my angry breathing. “I’m a grown-up, Lynette. You don’t have to worry about me.”