Farther Than I Meant to Go, Longer Than I Meant to Stay

by Tiffany L. Warren

  Travis teased, “Would you like a chocolate-covered strawberry?”

  “Travis, no. I can’t. I’m supposed to be on a diet!”

  “Girl, you don’t need a diet. Open up your mouth.”

  I dutifully obeyed, allowing Travis to place the richly sweet strawberry into my mouth. It was our two-week anniversary, and he’d brought me to the park for an anniversary picnic. I felt like my drab, boring life had been replaced with the contents of a steamy romance novel. Only I wasn’t your typical romance-novel heroine. My character was usually the wise and homely friend who keeps the heroine out of harm’s way.

  “Travis, you are spoiling me. I’m going to get used to this.”

  “I want you to. You deserve it.”

  I didn’t feel like I deserved Travis or the special treatment. All I could hear in my mind were the cheerleaders laughing at chubby Charmayne who’d never get a date. It almost felt like they were standing in the shadows watching me and Travis, waiting for their cue to laugh.

  I was afraid to even pretend that my romance with Travis was going to last. What if it didn’t? Then what would I do once I’d gotten used to the good life? It would be like going back to being blind after being granted sight.

  “Charmayne, I want to show you something.”

  Travis reached into the basket and pulled out a thin portfolio. It looked old and worn, and the pages had yellowed somewhat. He handed it to me; it said BUSINESS PLAN on the outside.

  “You want to start your own business?” I asked, genuinely interested.

  “I always have wanted that, and, girl, you inspire me. I see you sitting in that big office, pulling in the long dough, and I know that anything is possible.”

  I quickly scanned the pages to see if there was any meat to them. I was surprised to find that it was actually a viable plan. Travis wanted to start a handyman service for the shut-in and elderly.

  Travis asked, “Well, what do you think?”

  “I think it’s good. Once you save up enough money for your beginning expenses, you should be on the right track.”

  “Well, I have been saving. I’ve got ten thousand dollars, which should be enough to start and pay my bills for a few months until I get some clientele. I gave my two-week notice at work today.”

  I shifted uncomfortably. “You did? Wow, you’re really serious about this, huh?”

  He’d quit his job with just ten thousand dollars to his name? In the recesses of my mind, a faint alarm was going off. A man without a steady paycheck scared me. I guess no matter how much money I made, I wanted to know that my husband could provide for me. But then again, Travis was not my husband. I didn’t even know if he was mine at all.

  “You don’t look too happy. You don’t think I should’ve quit my job. Am I right?”

  “I don’t know . . .”

  “You said it was a good plan, right?”

  “Yes, but it always takes a new business awhile before it turns a profit. You might be in the red for two years or more.”

  Travis responded passionately. “I can handle that. I’d rather do that than sit around and wait for some fat tycoon to fire me whenever he gets ready. I think the Lord wants me to do this, so that I can leave a legacy for our children.”

  “Our children?” I asked with a nervous chuckle.

  “Yes, Charmayne.” Travis’s voice was steady and sure. “God told me that you are my wife.”

  My eyes widened. “Your wife?”

  I was stunned. It had only been two weeks, and honestly, I hadn’t thought much beyond that. Dating a fine man and marrying him were two completely different things, especially when he was talking about quitting his job.

  “Charmayne, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have laid that on you like that. But I’m intent on obeying the voice of the Lord.”

  “But we’ve only known each other a short time. How can you know so soon?” I wanted to hear more about his revelation from the Lord.

  “I don’t know. God knows. From the very first time I saw you in the elevator, God spoke to me. Remember I told you how clear it was? He said, This is your wife. It was like He was giving you to me. Right then and there. Like He gave Eve to Adam.”

  I gazed at Travis and pushed all of the trepidation and uneasiness out of my mind. All I could see in his eyes was sincerity and kindness. Who was I to be skeptical of God’s plan?

  Travis tried to lighten the mood. “Charmayne, you can stop looking terrified. I’m not talking about tomorrow, next week, or even next month. I’m just letting you know that after we have courted for a sufficient amount of time, I will ask for your hand in marriage.”

  I could feel my eyes blinking rapidly. I was trying to take it all in, but the deluge of emotions was overwhelming. Instinctively, I felt alarm, but I consciously replaced that feeling with joyful resignation. I refused to submit to a spirit of fear. Then Travis reached across the blanket and kissed me. Not a friendly, Christian date peck. He planted a You-may-now-kiss-the-bride whopper on my unsuspecting lips. As suddenly as he came at me, I thought it would be rough and demanding, but it was the softest thing I’d ever felt in my life. The girl who’d never had a real boyfriend turned into the thirty-six-year-old woman who had never been kissed by a man.

  I forced myself to pull away. “T-Travis . . . don’t . . . it’s too soon for this!”

  “Don’t worry, Charmayne. That’s just a promise of things to come,” he replied in a soothing tone.

  Of things to come? Well, if there was to be more than that, I didn’t know how I would even survive the wedding night. My insides felt like liquid gelatin, straining to hold their shape but struggling against an intense heat. I knew that it was not love. It couldn’t be—I barely knew Travis. So it must’ve been lust, plain and simple. I used to wonder how women could just throw all caution to the wind and end up pregnant and alone. I understood after that day. They felt the feeling I had when Travis kissed me that first time. It was frightening yet exhilarating at the same time.

  He asked nervously, “Charmayne, are you all right?”

  I was all right. I smiled at Travis and it was like I was seeing him again for the first time. I would go before the Lord, and I was sure I’d get confirmation. If it was finally my time to fall in love, I didn’t want anything to be a hindrance—not fear, low self-esteem, or lack of faith.

  CHAPTER Seven

  Past

  “He wants to marry me.”

  Ebony looked up at me from my thick Bible concordance. She had been invited to speak at a Women’s Day breakout session and was searching for a profound topic.

  “Who wants to marry you?” she asked incredulously.

  “Travis.” I inhaled sharply, waiting for Ebony to explode.

  She didn’t. “How do you feel about his proposal?”

  “It wasn’t exactly a proposal. He just said that God told him I was his wife.”

  Ebony nodded pensively. If she had any objections, I couldn’t tell from her expression. She was good about not judging hastily. It was why I valued her opinion.

  I asked, “Do you think it’s a little bit premature?”

  “That depends on whether or not God really told him you were his wife.”

  “How do I know? I want to believe it so badly.”

  Ebony put one hand up in a stop motion. “I learned a long time ago not to get involved with anyone’s decisions of the heart.”

  I shook my head. “So that’s it? That’s all you’ve got? What good are you?”

  Ebony smiled and patted me on my back. “I will advise you to stay prayerful. If there is any reason why you shouldn’t marry Travis, the Lord will reveal it to you.”

  My doorbell rang, and Ebony got a pained expression over her face.

  “Is that Lynette?”

  I nodded. Ebony started packing her things up.

  “Why don’t you stay?” I asked. “We’re giving each other pedicures.”

  “Not this time. I’m trying to hear from God for this seminar and sh
e is sure to make my flesh rise up.”

  I laughed as I went to open the door. Lynette was all smiles and hugs. She looked great, as usual. Her hair was in a bouncy roller set, and she still had her honeymoon tan.

  Lynette frowned when she saw Ebony.

  “Are you staying?” she asked.

  Ebony shook her head. “Not at all.”

  Lynette observed Ebony’s worn-out jogging suit and run-over tennis shoes. She replied, “You should. Lord knows you could use a little glamour.”

  Ebony exhaled, looked at me, and said, “Down flesh! Down!”

  I giggled as I walked Ebony to the door. The constant sparring between Ebony and Lynette sometimes provided my life with much-needed comic relief.

  Lynette plopped down on my couch prepared for her pedicure. I gave a pedicure to rival any day spa. Lynette and I had discovered my talent for it in college. I always felt cheated when it was my turn to receive the pampering, because Lynette was nowhere near as good as I was. It was one of the endless list of inequities dividing me from my best friend.

  Ever since college, Lynette and I had dedicated one Friday a month to making ourselves beautiful. We never scheduled anything on these days. No dates were accepted for the evening, no matter how fine the guy was. (Lynette broke that rule more than once.) Lynette had promised that once she and Jonathan walked down the aisle, she wouldn’t forget about our ritual and the girl talk that came with it. She didn’t want me to ever be able to say that our friendship had changed when she’d gotten married.

  Things did become different for us, though, when she and Jonathan started dating. It seemed like every outing turned into a couples affair, and they would either try to set me up with my complete opposite (like the Willie Brown fiasco) or just not invite me. All of our conversations focused on how wonderful Jonathan was. Lynette sounded like a broken record, but my complaints fell upon deaf ears.

  “What is this?” asked Lynette suspiciously as she held up a Bride Today magazine that was sitting on my coffee table.

  I’d bought it, on a whim, at the grocery store. It was as if the thick book, full of beautiful, expensive wedding gowns, was just calling to me. I didn’t think that Travis and I would be exchanging vows anytime soon, but I had started to let myself get hopeful.

  “It is a Bride Today magazine,” I replied flatly, trying not to give away any clues with my demeanor.

  Lynette placed one hand on her hip and rolled her eyes. “Heifer, I see what it is, I mean what is it doing on your table?”

  “I bought it at the store. There are some interesting articles in there.”

  “Charmayne, stop tripping. Nobody buys a bridal magazine for the articles. Have you got marriage on your mind already?”

  “I don’t know. It would be nice if it did happen that way. Travis is a great guy.”

  “Is he giving you that vibe?”

  “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “Has he mentioned anything about his future plans in life? A man will share his plans with you if he plans on making it permanent.”

  I wondered if this was confirmation from above. “Yes, he’s shared his business plan with me. He also said something about raising children.”

  Lynette moved from where she was sitting to be closer to me on the couch. “Oh, my God! He talked about children?”

  “Well . . . he says that God told him I am his wife.” Again I held my breath, waiting this time on an outburst from Lynette.

  “What?”

  “He said that when he first saw me, God spoke to him and said I was to be his wife,” I repeated, hoping that it would sink in without incident.

  Lynette lifted her eyes toward heaven. “Thank you, Jesus!”

  “Do you think that maybe it’s too soon?” I asked cautiously.

  “It does not take a man long to know he wants a woman. As soon as Adam laid eyes on Eve, he knew he had to have her. You know what I’m saying?”

  “Now, see, I know this is confirmation. He talked about Adam and Eve, too! I guess I’m just feeling a little uneasy.”

  “You just aren’t used to being in love. You better hold on tight to that man. I know plenty of vultures that would swoop right down out the sky and gobble him up.”

  “Was it this way for you and Jonathan? Did you know right away?”

  I remembered trying to tell Lynette that they were moving too quickly. She hadn’t listened to me and she was happily married. Why couldn’t I just put those nagging doubts out of my mind?

  “Charmayne, I’m going to be brutally honest,” Lynette continued. “A saved man is hard to come by, especially one as fine as Travis. And you’re over thirty. Girl, you better quit playing and marry that man.”

  “The truth is,” I replied, “I haven’t made up my mind on Travis one way or the other. He seems wonderful so far, but I’m not one hundred percent sure.”

  “Follow your heart, girl. You’ll make the right decision.”

  After Lynette went home to her husband and children, I sat on my bed, staring at my Bible. I was supposed to be reading, but I kept thinking of Travis and his roundabout proposal. I just couldn’t ignore the uneasy feeling I had in my spirit.

  I had never been a person who needed signs from God for me to know His will for my life. I’d always read the Bible and let the words jump off the page and speak to me. I trusted Jesus to confirm everything I needed to know with His word. The Bible says that He “knows the plans he has” for me. After reading and praying I then allowed the peace in my spirit to gauge my success in decision making.

  But the thing with Travis was unlike anything I’d ever had to decide. Maybe the uneasy feeling was just the butterflies people felt when they fell in love. Or did the butterflies only happen in love songs and romance novels? It was my real life, but I didn’t know what to do or think. Lynette was right about one thing for sure—I was not used to being in love.

  I closed my Bible and knelt on the floor next to my bed. I wanted to pray about my situation, but I didn’t even know what to pray for. I meditated quietly for a few moments, running Bible verses through my mind. Then, since I couldn’t think of my own words, I started to pray His word.

  “Cause me to hear your loving-kindness in the morning; for in you do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto you. Your word says that many are the plans in a man’s heart, but that it is your purpose that will prevail. Lord, show me your plans for my life. In you, O Lord, do I put my trust; let me never be ashamed. I am casting my burden on you, Lord, because your word says you will sustain me.”

  When I was finished with my prayer, I laid my head on the pillow, knowing that everything was going to work out fine. I knew that if I trusted in the Lord, He would move all obstacles and show me the way to go. As I drifted into a wonderfully restful sleep, I felt the peace in my spirit return.

  CHAPTER Eight

  Past

  My previous night’s prayer had helped to calm all the fear I’d allowed myself to experience. I was out on a date with Travis and enjoying every minute of it. Travis, on the other hand, seemed to have something weighing on his mind.

  Travis held the door open as we walked into a casual-dining restaurant. The place was crowded and noisy, and we were told that we had at least a forty-five-minute wait. That minor irritation did nothing but put him more on edge.

  “Do you want to stay or go?” Travis asked. He was about to explode with nervous energy.

  “We can go if you want. To tell you the truth, I’m really not that hungry,” I replied honestly.

  “I had something I needed to talk to you about, and I need to do it tonight.”

  Suddenly I felt alarmed. “Okay, but this is not the place to do it. I can’t even hear myself think in here. Let’s go to Handel’s.” I really wasn’t in the mood for ice cream, either, but Handel’s was quiet and we wouldn’t have to scream at each other in order to hold a conversation.

  We drove to the tiny ice cream parlor in sil
ence. I kept wringing my hands, because I didn’t know what to do with them, and I kept looking out the window, because I didn’t want to look at Travis. The fact that he was so troubled had me truly concerned. What bomb was Travis going to drop on me? I prepared myself for the worst. Had he heard God wrong when it came to marrying me?

  We got to Handel’s and sat down at one of their outside tables. It was a warm evening, but not the typical muggy and humid of a July night in Cleveland. The only other people in the parlor were a couple sharing a milk shake. That was a good thing, because Travis had the most somber of expressions on his face.

  I couldn’t wait any longer. “Travis. What is it?”

  He sighed wearily. “I don’t even know where to start, but I need to tell you everything about me, before we get in too deep. Actually, I hope that what I tell you will bring us closer together. I have to know that you can accept me, even though I have some things in my past.”

  “What kinds of things?” I tried to make my voice sound steady, but I could feel it trembling, and my knee was shaking under the table.

  He took a deep breath. “I served five years in the state penitentiary for drug trafficking. In all, I have four felonies on my record.”

  This was not what I’d expected. I’d thought he wanted to break up with me or tell me that he wasn’t ready for marriage. Now all my doubt changed to paralyzing fear.

  I felt that I was receiving the answer to my prayer. The Lord must’ve been telling me no, even if I wanted it to be yes.

  Finally I replied, “Travis, this is a lot to lay on me at once. I need to let it sink in before I give you an answer.”

  Travis, sounding irritated, said, “I understand that. I expected you to react badly.”

  “I don’t think I’m reacting badly. I just need time to react, period.”

  I thought of all the negatives that could’ve come from his prison life. Besides the fact that I thought he’d never have what I considered a real job, he could’ve had communicable diseases. I was furious that he’d kissed me and swapped bodily fluids without warning me first.