Farther Than I Meant to Go, Longer Than I Meant to Stay

by Tiffany L. Warren

  It seemed that I’d waited my whole life to be validated and loved by a man other than my daddy. I wanted to prove that I was worthy of receiving the passion and affection that I’d watched others receive my entire life. All the weekends and holidays that I spent alone, yearning for companionship, would be erased as soon as I walked down the aisle with Travis. I wasn’t going to allow a few doubts to hinder anything. I knew, in my heart of hearts, that whatever obstacles Travis and I faced, we’d be able to conquer them with the help of the Lord. That was all the confirmation I needed.

  CHAPTER Eighteen

  Past

  On the Saturday morning two weeks before my wedding to Travis, I was awakened by knocking at my door. I looked over at the clock and frowned. It was only seven o’clock. Lynette and I had been up late the night before trying to put the finishing touches on the wedding planning.

  I pulled the covers over my head and willed the knocking to go away. When it didn’t, I groaned and reluctantly got out of my warm bed. I looked in the mirror and frowned at the puffy dark circles under my eyes. I seriously needed to put on some foundation, too, because my summer tan had faded, leaving me looking pale and washed out. I heard the knock again and rushed to pull my wild mane of hair up into a ponytail. Whoever it was would have to be satisfied with my morning face. I put on my bathrobe as I headed for the door.

  “I’m coming!” I fussed as the knocking continued.

  I looked out of the peephole and discovered that my early-morning visitor was none other than Travis. I smiled despite my irritation. Of course I didn’t mind him outside my door at the crack of dawn, but he could’ve called.

  “Hey, baby,” he said as I opened the door.

  He embraced me as he walked through the door. I placed a hand over my mouth. I hoped he didn’t want a kiss, because I had not made a pit stop at the bathroom sink to brush any teeth.

  “Good morning,” I said with questions in my eyes. I hoped I wouldn’t have to ask for an explanation.

  “How quickly can you be dressed?”

  “In less than an hour, I think.”

  “Good. There’s someone I want you to meet.”

  “Okay . . .”

  I waited a moment for more, but I guessed that Travis intended on surprising me. He sat down and turned on my television and I headed for the shower. Since I didn’t have a clue who I was meeting, I put on my dressiest blue jean skirt and a tan cashmere sweater. My hair was absolutely hopeless, so I pulled it into a neater ponytail on the top of my head. I put on a light layer of makeup, and when I was as satisfied as I was going to get, I emerged from my bedroom.

  Travis smiled at me. “You look great. Let’s go.”

  We pulled into the parking lot of a nursing home called Morningside Manor. It was a comfortable-looking rest home that looked as if it had been transformed from one of the many old mansions in the area. I wondered if I was going to meet one of Travis’s relatives.

  As I got out of the car, I asked, “Is this where your mother lives?”

  “Yes. You didn’t think I’d marry you without letting you meet my mama, did you?”

  We walked into the nursing home, and a friendly orderly greeted us.

  “What’s going on, Travis?” he asked as he gave Travis a high five.

  “I can’t call it, man.”

  The orderly motioned to me and asked, “Who’s the lovely lady?”

  “This is my fiancée, Charmayne. Charmayne, meet Bobby, my mother’s favorite person in this place.”

  Bobby extended his hand for me to shake. “Well, I don’t know about all that, but I do have a way with the ladies.”

  It seemed odd to me that Bobby was the only staff member I could see. I didn’t see any nurses or any other orderlies. It was only eight thirty in the morning; I supposed that everyone else came in later.

  Travis quickly ushered me down a hall to a room at the end. He opened the door slowly and quietly as if he didn’t want to disturb the other residents. I wondered why we didn’t just come later in the day.

  “Good morning, Mama,” said Travis as he tiptoed over to the bed.

  Travis’s mother’s tiny frame seemed engulfed in the queen-size bed. Someone was obviously taking good care of her, because her long silver hair was braided into two big plaits that had yellow ribbons on the ends. She was either blind or close to it, because although she turned her head toward Travis’s voice, she didn’t make eye contact with him.

  “William, is that you?” she asked.

  I raised an eyebrow at Travis. He smiled and mouthed the word Alzheimer’s. I nodded with understanding.

  “No, Mama. It’s me, Travis. I want you to meet my fiancée. Her name is Charmayne.”

  Mama folded her arms and frowned. “I don’t know any Travis,” she said matter-of-factly, poking out her bottom lip.

  Travis looked a little hurt, but continued. “Mama, we’re getting married in two weeks. Charmayne, come over and say hello to Mama.”

  I said softly, “Good morning, Mrs. Moon.”

  “My name is Bertha Washington, honey, and I don’t know anybody by the name of Travis.”

  I smiled and patted her hand. The chart at the end of her bed said MOON, as clear as day. I wondered how long she had been suffering from Alzheimer’s disease. I silently thanked God that my mother was still in her right mind, no matter how much she got on my nerves.

  Travis tucked an extra pillow behind his mother’s head and kissed her cheek. I almost burst out laughing when she wiped his kiss off her face. It seemed almost childish, but her face was quite serious. In fact, she looked furious.

  Travis came over and whispered, “This is not a good day, Charmayne. She’s usually better in the mornings; that’s why we’re here so early.”

  “Maybe we should go.”

  Travis looked back at Mama and sighed. “I think you’re right. We’ll try again in a few days.”

  Travis and I both said good-bye to Mama Moon, even though she didn’t respond. On our way out, a nurse was sitting at the station. She looked up at us strangely. Travis started walking briskly, pulling me along with him.

  When we got outside, I asked, “Why did we speed past the nurse like that? Is there something wrong?”

  Travis responded, “Visiting hours don’t start until nine, but Bobby always sneaks me in early to see Mama. She’s usually lucid as soon as she wakes up. Today she didn’t know me at all.”

  I stroked Travis’s arm. “How long has she been sick?”

  Travis opened my car door. “Too long. It’s going on six years, and she’s only gotten worse.”

  “Do you have any other family? Any cousins, aunts, uncles?”

  “I do have some great-aunts and one great-uncle, but I don’t know any of them. They all live out of town.”

  “Oh,” I said sadly. I was sure that it was hard for him to witness his mother in that state. I was relieved to see the tension ease from his face as quickly as it had come.

  “What a way to start a Saturday, right?” Travis asked with a smile.

  “Well, I’m with you, so something about it was right.”

  His smile widened. “So what are your plans for the rest of the day?”

  “Lynette and I are going shopping for my dress.”

  “Mind if I tag along?”

  “Yes! You cannot see my dress until the wedding day.”

  Travis laughed. “Don’t tell me you’re superstitious!”

  “Not at all. I just want you to be surprised, that’s all.”

  “Well, I know whatever you pick will be beautiful.”

  Lynette, Dayna, and I had visited five area bridal shops, but had not yet found the perfect gown. I was starting to believe that the perfect gown did not exist, and if it did, they did not make it in a size twenty. We were both weary and ready to go home, but Lynette was sure that we would find a dress. Plus we only had two weeks. It was crunch time.

  I’d had no problem finding bridesmaids’ dresses for Lynette and Dayna.
They had figures that could fit into anything, but I chose modest two-piece silver dresses that came all the way to the floor. Dayna wasn’t satisfied with my selection. She wanted something with more color, but I wanted them to have an understated look. It was bad enough that the two of them outshined me on a daily basis—they were not going to do it on my wedding day.

  The bridal-wear consultant brought over several dresses for me to try on, and I groaned. I hated that part of the process. I was glad to have Lynette with me, because it was usually an emotional obstacle course for me when I had to try on clothes in public.

  I was hoping to be down to a size eighteen by the time of my wedding, but at the time I was still squeezing into a twenty. The consultant kept looking at her watch, as if she didn’t want to help me. I saw her looking longingly after another bubbly bridal party that would probably have been a lot more fun to assist. I couldn’t blame her. Who would want to spend half their day catering to a bride on the verge of tears and an overly critical sister and best friend?

  I tried on the first gown, a formfitting lace number. I looked into the mirror and immediately frowned. There was no way I was letting anyone see me in all that lace.

  Dayna fussed, “Come on out so we can see it!”

  Reluctantly, I stepped out of the fitting room. I could tell by Lynette’s frown and the shaking of Dayna’s head that they agreed with my assessment.

  Lynette said, “Let’s try another one.”

  “We’re going to be here all day,” said Dayna as she took a seat and started to file her already manicured nails.

  I trudged back into the fitting room, this time to try on a silk gown that was cinched directly beneath the bodice. My curves made me look like a buxom milkmaid in the dress. It certainly wasn’t holy enough for me to wear in the sanctuary at church.

  This time I didn’t walk out of the fitting room, I simply opened the door. Lynette bit her lip and frowned, while Dayna puffed her cheeks with frustration.

  “Let’s try something with less cleavage,” Lynette offered, trying to sound encouraging.

  Gown number three solved the cleavage issue. It was designed to look similar to the Victorian-style dresses I’d seen in movies. It had a high neck, and there was a bustle attached. There was an opening in the shape of a triangle directly above the corset showing a small area of my back.

  “Well, what about this one?”

  Dayna said bluntly, “That’s not it.”

  “Charmayne, you need something with more coverage,” Lynette elaborated as she poked Dayna for her insensitivity. “Your back doesn’t need to be out. I mean, you’re getting married in the wintertime.”

  “I don’t know what to pick, Lynette! None of these dresses was designed with my particular body type in mind.” I was frustrated and tired.

  The nonchalant bridal consultant suddenly looked as if she was having a stroke of genius. She rushed across the store and came back with a beautiful satin gown with long sleeves and a high neck. Around the sleeves and neck was white fur. The bottom had a hoop; fur lined the hem. It looked like something a Russian princess would wear for a trek across Siberia. She handed it to me gingerly, and Lynette and Dayna both clapped their hands with approval.

  When I put the dress on I felt transformed. I looked into the mirror and imagined myself gliding down the aisle into the arms of my prince. I knew that I’d found the dress, and it fit perfectly. I felt tears welling up, because as I stood there gazing at myself, I realized that it was the first time I’d ever looked at myself in a mirror and thought I was beautiful.

  “Well, come out, girl, and let me see you!” urged Lynette from the other side of the curtain.

  “Okay . . . Here I come . . .”

  I walked out of the curtain, and Lynette squealed, “Oh, my God! That’s it, Charmayne! That is it.”

  “It’s perfect,” added Dayna.

  The consultant was grinning and had her arms folded like she’d just saved the world from disaster. Well, she’d saved my world, or at least my wedding. I would be eternally grateful to her.

  “So,” asked the consultant, “you’ll take it?”

  “Yes! You can start ringing me up right now. I just want to look at it a little more.”

  Lynette walked over close to me and said, “Now we have the dress, but what about the groom?”

  “What do you mean?” I asked uncertainly.

  “You haven’t said much about Mr. Travis lately. All is well, right?”

  I raised a hand toward the heavens. “All is truly well, bless God! I met his mother today. Poor thing has Alzheimer’s.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that,” Lynette said, shaking her head sadly.

  I mimicked her movements. “Yeah. She didn’t even know who he was.”

  “That’s a shame. Girl, what if you have to take care of her? Are you ready for that?”

  “Travis and I talked about it,” I responded confidently. “He believes that the nursing home is the best thing for her. They can give her the round-the-clock care that she needs.”

  Dayna butted into the conversation. “He better not think he’s going to put our mother in anybody’s nursing home.”

  I shook my head in an irritated manner. “What in the world are you talking about? We weren’t even talking about Mama.”

  “I’m just saying,” Dayna replied with her lips puckered into a grimace.

  It seemed that all of a sudden, everyone was so full of advice. I didn’t want another piece of wisdom about my decision to marry Travis from anyone.

  I replied with a sarcastic tone, “Thank you for the advice.”

  “What’s wrong with you?” Lynette asked defensively, immediately discerning the irritation in my voice.

  “It just seems like every time I turn around someone is trying to give me a reason why I shouldn’t marry Travis,” I ranted. “If it ain’t somebody wondering if he’s got a job, they’re hearing from heaven that he’s the wrong man. I wish everyone would just let it go and be happy for us.”

  Dayna rolled her eyes. “Honey, don’t nobody want you to get married more than I do.”

  “Now, wait a minute,” said Lynette. “I’m your biggest supporter. Ebony is the one hearing from God about y’all. I’m probably the only one who believes that you two are actually going to make it down the aisle.”

  “What right does anyone have to wonder whether or not we’re going to get married? I’m so sick of this. I can’t wait to get it over with so that everyone can get on with their lives.”

  “I think people care about you, Charmayne. No one wants to see you get hurt.”

  “Well, guess what. I’m not a baby or a china doll. I’m a grown woman. I don’t break that easily.”

  “All right then, I’m done with it. Whatever you like, I love.”

  I regretted taking out my frustration on Lynette, because she had supported me every step of the way. I knew that she was just stating the facts. But the fact that was most important to me was that Travis brought me a measure of joy that I’d never known, and there wasn’t a naysayer in the world who would convince me otherwise.

  CHAPTER Nineteen

  Past

  I was walking quietly, stealthily across an immense field. I didn’t know why I was being so covert, but it felt necessary. Off in the distance was Travis, and he was talking to someone. As I drew closer, I realized that it was his friend Les. They didn’t seem to notice me as I approached, but they started walking. I followed them. For some reason, I couldn’t quite make out what they were saying. They weren’t whispering, but their words weren’t making any sense. I trudged on behind them, but I was getting tired. Travis and Les started walking faster and faster until they were far in the distance. Suddenly I was filled with an indescribable panic. I started to run, faster than I’d ever run. The grass in the field started to grow around my feet until it was above my head. Even though I was unable to see, I continued to press forward, knocking stems of grass to the side. I started to hear Travis’s v
oice again and focused on it. Following the sound took me out of the field of tall grass and into a clearing. I started running again and without warning, the ground beneath my feet disappeared. I was falling, and I could hear Travis’s voice in the distance. I cried out, “Help me!” but no one listened . . .

  I woke from the dream terrified and drenched with sweat. It was early morning, the day of my wedding, and I’d just had a nightmare that included my husband-to-be. I was a nervous wreck about my marriage to Travis, but I refused to admit it to anyone. I did take the dream as a sign that I should get on my face and pray. Something in me needed to restore my peace before I walked down the aisle.

  I lay in the middle of my bedroom floor with tears streaming down my face. I prayed aloud, “I pray for peace, Lord. Peace in my decision to marry Travis. Lord, I ask that you bless our decision and make us to have a prosperous union. Lord, I am afraid! Show me that I am doing the right thing marrying this man!”

  Even after praying so fervently I couldn’t shake the feeling of absolute terror at the thought of exchanging vows with Travis. As the dawn drew near I thought the feelings would subside, but they only intensified. As the sun rose, I found myself praying again.

  By the time Lynette and Dayna showed up at my house to help me get ready, I was nothing but a ball of nerves.

  After trying for the fourth time to polish the fingernails on my trembling hands, Lynette snapped, “Look, girl! You are going to be fine. The Lord is not going to let you make a bad decision.”

  “Maybe the Lord has been telling me this whole time that this is a wrong choice for me.”

  Dayna said, “You know it’s not too late to call the whole thing off.”

  I glared at my younger sister. She would be quick to encourage me to call off my wedding. My marriage to Travis carried the potential of overshadowing her little family, especially in Mama’s eyes.

  “Yeah, you’d love to see me look like a fool,” I spat angrily.

  Dayna replied, “No, I just don’t want to see you make the biggest mistake of your life. You’re the one doubting this whole thing. Don’t start snapping at me.”