Life is a Beautiful Thing (4-Book Box Set)

by Harmon Cooper

  “She stunned me … she’s going to kill you. ”

  “What?” I ask, smiling at Nelly.

  “Who’s that?” Nelly begins flicking through the holographic menu that has appeared at the corner of the table. “Nice switch by the way. You sure beat the shit out of yourself. I’d make a Fight Club reference here but… well, have you seen the movie?”

  “Haven’t. It’s a classic right? Guy beats himself up or something?”

  “What?” Yeshi asks as Nelly nods.

  “Who is trying to kill me now?” I ask Yeshi over iNet.

  “Someone else is trying to kill you?” Nelly asks.

  Yeshi is practically screaming in my ear now. “Rinchi, my identical twin! She attacked me and now she’s is trying to find you! I’d still be out right now if it weren’t for Anna.”

  “Who’s Anna?” I ask.

  “My other flatmate. Meme, you are in danger, Rinchi is impersonating me. I think she is going to kill you!”

  “Kill me? She’s going to have a hard time finding me right now,” I say, looking down at my white knuckles.

  “What do you mean?” she asks.

  “I switched bodies with Tyro. You know, the guy from last night.”

  “Her therapist? Seriously?” Her voice softens. “So Tyro is meeting Rinchi in your body … ”

  “This is bad… this is bad… ”

  “What’s happening?” Nelly asks again. “Who is trying to kill who and who are you talking to?”

  I say, “The guy I switched bodies with is supposed to meet a Humandroid tonight that is out to kill me.”

  Nelly asks, “Have you tried to contact him?”

  “No … ”

  “Who are you with?” Yeshi asks.

  “Nelly, from the other night. Things are about to heat up. How long do you think it will take them to figure out that we switched bodies?”

  “I have no idea,” Yeshi says.

  “If he’s actually dead, it depends on when they discover his body,” Nelly says. “The electronic autopsy takes roughly three minutes. It’s the only way they can keep track of switched body deaths. My guess is they will discover the body in the morning, which gives you a little time. However, if they are after you, they might have someone check his life chip tonight.”

  “Looks like I need to get to Mexico ASAP … ”

  “Mexico?” Yeshi asks.

  “Listen Yeshi, I want you to come to Mario’s so we can figure this all out. I’ll try and call Tyro to warn him.”

  “It’s too late.” Yeshi says.

  “What do you mean?”

  “We were supposed to meet at seven.”

  “Maybe Rinchi was late.”

  “It’s not in our nature to be late, Meme.”

  “I’ll try and call him,” I say. “Just get here as quickly as you can.”

  _∞_

  “What a clever bastard!” Sauria sat in the back of his stretch-aeros with Antimeria and Rinchi. He’d just gotten off the phone with an investigator from his company.

  “What happened?” Rinchi asked, stretching her legs across Antimeria’s lap.

  “We manually checked the life chip of the person you just killed. I had one of the hotel workers contracted through our company sneak into the room and do it. He’s definitely dead, but the guy that’s dead isn’t Meme.”

  “What do you mean?” She replayed the video in her head of strangling him and smashing the plant against his face – it had to be him!

  “He switched bodies,” Sauria explained. “The Meme that you killed … it was someone else. I guess now we can add illegally switching bodies to his rap sheet.”

  “The results revealed that it was some guy named Tyro Myrdal,” Sauria said. “Tyro Myrdal, a Humandroid therapist.”

  “How did he know? How did he know to switch? There must be someone passing along information to Meme.” Antimeria ran his hand along the fat that hung from his chin.

  “Did you say Tyro Myrdal?” Rinchi kicked her legs off Antimeria’s lap. She crossed her arms over her naked chest and looked down. “Dr. T? Oh fuck … oh fuck … ”

  “What’s wrong, dear?”

  “Do you know this guy or something?” Sauria asked.

  “No. I guess I don’t know him. The name sounded familiar. So they switched bodies … ” Rinchi said, looking out the window at an aeros swooped by. “They switched bodies … ”

  “This is the guy he switched with,” Sauria said, pressing a button near the door. A holographic projection of Tyro appeared next to him. The projection wavered for a second before enhancing its color.

  Rinchi said, “Nope, that’s not the Tyro I know … ”

  “Are you all right?” Antimeria asked.

  “Sure. I just hope I didn’t disappoint you. I couldn’t tell it was a switch. He was wearing a chip-masker.”

  “It’s not your fault,” Sauria said with a wave of his hand. “No one could have predicted this would happen. We’ll get him soon enough. You’ve done an excellent job, Rinchi. You’ve proven yourself to me, proven that you are more than qualified to be a MercSecure representative.”

  “I need to check on Nelly,” Antimeria said. ‘she’ll know something about this. If she doesn’t cough it up, I can force Noah to do it. Come back, Rinchi.”

  She moved next to him again. “What happens now?” she asked.

  Sauria snarled, “Now we get to the bottom of this. I don’t care where he is – Meme will be dead by the morning.”

  THIRTY-EIGHT∞

  Yeshi shows up at the restaurant thirty minutes later. She’s in a blue sweatshirt that says #LOVEDROID in old English letters, a pair of black jeggings and white Converse with pink stitching. The hood of her sweatshirt is pulled tightly over her head. Nelly and I’ve just finished sharing a vita-pizza; I’m currently looking down at my stomach.

  I’ve never felt a baby inside me before.

  Yeshi looks at who she thinks is Tyro and smiles, “It’s nice to see you again, Meme. I never thought of you as a stressed white guy with bruises all over your face.”

  A waiter takes a chair from another table and slides it over for Yeshi.

  “The bruises will heal,” Nelly-as-Tyro says, wiping her lips with a napkin. “I kind of think they make me look tough.”

  I look at Yeshi and smile, “Nice to meet you, my name’s Nelly,” I tell her, glancing over at Tyro and winking.

  “You’re the lady that maced everyone last night.” Yeshi pulls her hood off her head and scans my vitals. “Wow … you’re going to give birth any day now.”

  “I’m ready,” I say.

  “They’re currently looking for Rinchi … ” Yeshi says, cutting right to the topic at hand. “The maintenance men who rebooted me have already reported her attack to the central headquarters. Anna also reported the violation. Rinchi will be terminated within the next twelve hours. Using a Humstunner is a huge protocol violation because it hinders productivity. Walliburton terminates the artificial consciousness of any Humandroid caught using the stunner. Sometimes, depending on the age of the Humandroid, they’re tweaked and a new artificial consciousness is installed. Most times however, they scrap them completely.”

  “So she killed Tyro?” I ask.

  “I’m afraid so,” she says. “Sorry, Meme.” (Of course Yeshi says this to Tyro’s body – she still doesn’t know we have switched.)

  “Why don’t they just tweak all the violators?” Nelly-as-Tyro asks. “Scrapping them seems a bit excessive.”

  “Because they get a large kickback from the FCG if they scrap a Humandroid completely. It actually saves them money just to get rid of it rather than attempt to fix it.”

  “Of course the FCG gives them a kickback. Thank God for big government!” I reach for the pollution mask and I take a quick huff. BlackAguaUSA Morning Body Dump: a perfect pollute that’s as good as six strong cups of instant B-vitamin coffee in the morning.

  “Be careful with that stuff. Remember, you’re carrying. So
they’re just going to ditch…what’s her name again?” Nelly-as-Tyro asks.

  “Rinchi, my twin,” Yeshi says. “Yes, they will scrap her. As soon as she arrives back at our flat they’ll waiting. Hey Tyro, who was that lady with you the other night?”

  “Which one?” Nelly-as-Tyro asks.

  “You don’t remember? The one with the blonde hair.”

  “Uh … no it must have been the pollutes,” Nelly-as-Tyro replies.

  “I think it might have been his wife,” I tell Yeshi.

  “Really Meme?” Yeshi gives me a funny look. “I never pictured you as a pregnant woman.”

  “So you figured it out already?” I ask, rubbing my swollen belly. “I hope this doesn’t complicate things.”

  THIRTY-NINE∞

  MercSecure Representative Gyatson checked the barrel of his Colt 1851 Navy Revolver. He admired its gold plated rammer and cylinder, its genuine ivory grip with a fiercely carved Mexican eagle; the weight of the gun in his hand only made the weapon seem that much deadlier. He purchased the revolver at an auction ten years ago and eventually found a weapon maker in South Africa able to craft him percussion caps and paper cartridges with black powder and .36 caliber bullets. He’d ordered thousands. Robert E. Lee had carried this exact model of revolver during the Civil War and every time he held the pistol, he felt the anger of the South swell inside him – even though he was technically from Australia.

  A huge Civil War buff, Gyatson had been made an honorary member of the local Sons of the Confederacy chapter, a first for a foreigner. He even had a Confederate battle flag tattoo across his left bicep. He was a short man with a chest the size of the Titanic and a single scar that crawled down the side of his face, a common trait among mercenaries.

  While there were easier ways to make a man disappear in the late twenty-first century, Gyatson preferred the old Wild West methods. This was much to the chagrin of his superiors, as shoot-outs were increasingly difficult to cover up even with ample amounts of lobbying money. Much to his advantage, the word terrorist made it pretty easy for the FCG to look the other way when he took the law into his own hands. MercSecure also looked the other way when it came to his methods. After all, he was one of the higher ranked representatives in the company, in the top thirty.

  What Meme and Nelly didn’t know is how close he had been to pulling the trigger at the restaurant the previous night. Had Nelly not sprayed him with mace, Meme’s head would have been splashed onto the wall all over the famous Royce print.

  “I’m on my way there right now,” Gyatson said. He sat in the back of an aeros with two other MercSecure representatives, lower ranking lackeys. An unlit pollute cigarette hung out the side of his mouth. “Send me a picture of the person he’s switched with.”

  Gyatson was in a crisp gray suit with a red handkerchief in the front pocket and a red tie. Below the handkerchief pocket was a vintage sheriff’s badge, another one of his prized possessions. His boots, tucked under his nicely pressed pants, had buckles on the ankles that were meant to resemble stirrups. He had one blue eye and one green eye and his hair was in a short ponytail. Aside from his eccentricities, he was a stone-cold killer who had killed hundreds.

  He disconnected the call and opened his eyes, “Let’s make this short and sweet,” he told the two men sitting in front of him. “No innocent bystanders if we can manage it. Bring your anti-mace masks, just in case that bitch is with him. Before we go in, make sure all the bloody cameras have been disabled. Two minutes, got it? That’s all this should take. Set your Humguns to kill.”

  “How should we go about luring him out of the restaurant?” one of the men asked.

  “We won’t lure him out. The bloke has already lured us in. No sense in taking bait like minnows when we can take bait like sharks.”

  “But aren’t we being baited either way?” the second man asked under his breath.

  FORTY ∞

  “Noah is my Humandroid assistant,” Nelly-as-Tyro says.

  The old droid is standing at the front of the table tapping his fingers nervously against his chest. He’s dressed in a white suit with white pointy shoes. The waiter moves behind him, carrying a pizza to another table. He clearly isn’t as advanced as Yeshi. Likely a Neunbolt.

  “You’ve switched?” he says, looking from Nelly to me.

  “Yes,” Nelly-as-Tyro says with a smile. “How do I look as a man?”

  “I’ll get used to it. Oh Nelly, they’re on their way here!” he says. “Right now, I’m afraid!”

  “Who is?” Yeshi and I both ask.

  “Antimeria called me … ”

  “You told him where we were?” I ask.

  “I had to.” He starts to shake with frustration. “I’m programmed to answer any and all questions when the correct code word is said.”

  “What’s the code word?” Nelly asks. “I didn’t know you had a code word … ”

  “Older personal assistant Humandroids usually don’t know their own code words,” Yeshi explains. “New models don’t have a code word because many aren’t owned by a single human any longer.”

  “Age is just a number,” Noah says.

  “You are perfect just the way you are,” Nelly-as-Tyro smiles. “Don’t worry, we’ll get you a new code word in Mexico.”

  “So, what did you tell Antimeria?” I ask. I look down at my expensive Cartier watch. Icy blue veins are visible on my new hands and soft freckles are scattered across my arms. I suddenly feel incredibly delicate.

  “I told him where we were … ” Noah puts his hands over his eyes to cover his shame. “They’re sending people now. Those were his words not mine.”

  “Probably the MercSecure representative from last night with the gun,” Yeshi says. “Everyone open a private channel with me and I’ll send an image.”

  “I already have his image,” Nelly says.

  “I’m so sorry!” Noah says again. “Nelly, please forgive me, please forgive me!”

  “It’s what you’re programmed to do,” I say. “No sense in fretting over frayed circuits.”

  “We’re all programmed to do something,” Nelly and Noah say at the same time. They laugh together too, which is a little unsettling. Personally, I’d like to get back to the pollute at hand, but it appears as if we’ll soon have company.

  “Do you forgive me?”

  “Of course I do, Noah, of course. You’re my favorite person on the planet,” Nelly says. Noah looks from Nelly to Yeshi, seeking acknowledgement from another Humandroid for being called a person. Yeshi is unresponsive. A bright grin spreads across the old Neunbolt’s face.

  “So we’re about to be in some fucking trouble, is that what you’re saying?” I ask.

  “That’s precisely what I am saying!” Noah puts his hand over his head, as if he may soon faint. I really hate old droids. “We need to leave now!”

  “No,” Nelly says, “We need to stick with the plan.”

  “There’s a plan?” Noah asks. He looks from me to Yeshi to Nelly-as-Tyro.

  “It’s risky,” I say. “But yes, there’s a plan.”

  “Why did you switch bodies then?” Noah asks. “I am so confused.”

  “We switched bodies because Meme is going to Mexico right after this,” Nelly-as-Tyro explains, “as me. I’ll stay here as Tyro, find a new body, switch and meet him. The number one thing is to get this baby to Mexico. Sending Meme kills two birds with one stone. I know Antimeria wants his child more than anything else. Don’t think I’m stupid. Besides, Meme doesn’t know anything about combat. At least I’ve trained for some things.”

  I raise my finger to protest, but then I realize she’s right.

  Nelly-as-Tyro says, “What we are about to do will add insult to injury. I’ll be gone, Meme will be gone, the baby will be gone and all Antimeria will have are his businessdick friends and his ladyboy escorts. No offense,” she says to Yeshi.

  “None taken.”

  “We’ll deal with these mercenaries, Meme will leave i
n my aeros driven by Yeshi and head to Mexico. I’ve left cash and contact info inside a duffle bag in the trunk.” She turns to Noah. “You and I will make some calls and get to Mexico by sundown tomorrow. Carloza will help. Everyone wins.”

  FORTY-ONE∞

  I see Gyatson enter the restaurant from the other side of the room with two men behind him. All three of them have mistmasks across the bridges of their noses. They’re an intimidating trio, a predatory group of life extinguishers.

  Nelly-as-Tyro sits with Noah in a dimly lit booth across from our table with a curtain drawn around it. Yeshi stands near the door, watching them enter. As Nelly and I are both logged into iNet, I quickly message her to let her know about the masks. I’m holding Nelly’s purse, hoping that Gyatson won’t recognize me from the previous night. I’m pretending to be busy with something online.

  Gyatson approaches the waiter and tells him to clear out all the patrons. The waiter, a newer model Humandroid, looks confused and starts protesting. Gyatson pulls a revolver from inside his jacket and whips it across the waiter’s face. The impact sends the Humandroid to the ground. Gyatson kicks the waiter so hard in the head that his neck snaps. I feel something move in my stomach. The baby. I need to keep reminding myself I am technically pregnant. Not technically, I am actually pregnant.

  The diners begin to scatter at the sight of violence. It doesn’t take long for a sea of people to rush towards the door, shoving against one another. One of Gyatson’s partners drops a small electric grenade on the floor. Schwiip! It fizzles and flickers, disrupting all wireless signals in the area. No video, no iNet.

  I rise with everyone else, trying to get lost in the crowd so I can move into a position behind the three men. It’s hard for me to keep my hands on anything but my swollen belly. Christ it is a bitch being pregnant!

  Eventually, I find myself in a position near Yeshi and watch as she pulls her hood over her head. As the crowd swells around her, she leaps forward and pulls one of Gyatson’s men down with her. A few chairs crash and people begin scrambling over their tables to avoid the scuffle. Napkin dispensers scrape across the floor, salt and pepper shakers clatter as they smack against the ground. The bulls stampede; tora bravo on the loose!