Crazy Ex-Ghoulfriend

by Angela Roquet

  “Eddie, I already told you that I can’t go to prom with you. In fact, it looks like I might have to go with Mitch Brown,” I said before he could open his mouth.

  “Mitch Brown? What?”

  “I have to go, Eddie. I’m sorry.”

  He grabbed my arm. “Stop, please. I need to say this, or I never will.”

  I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Then maybe you shouldn’t. I really don’t want to hurt your feelings, Eddie.”

  I don’t think I had ever heard Eddie growl before. It startled me, and I gasped. “It is really sickening how full of yourself you’ve become lately,” he said, taking both hands and running them through his dark curls.

  I huffed at him and folded my arms.

  “Just listen. I have to say this, and then you don’t ever have to talk to me again if you don’t want to, which you probably won’t, once you hear what I have to say.”

  “Fine. Spit it out, so I can get on with my life.”

  He swallowed and closed his eyes. “I screwed up, and I’m pretty sure this is all my fault.”

  “You’re pretty sure what is all your fault?”

  “This.” He waved his hands at me. “You.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “I screwed up the spell. I know I shouldn’t have done it, but I did, and I screwed it up.”

  “Spell?” I laughed.

  “Yes,” Eddie insisted. “I took the chicken blood from the science lab. It didn’t work the way it was supposed to.”

  “Chicken blood? What are you talking about?”

  He grabbed my shoulders and squeezed them. “The missing blood from your advanced chemistry class. That was me. I took it. I went out to the graveyard. I did the spell. It didn’t work. Or at least, I didn’t think it had worked. But then when you started acting all weird and snobby like Matilda and the Ds, I realized it had worked, only not the way it was supposed to.” He looked down and shook his head. “I must have switched the hair somehow.”

  “Graveyard? Hair? Blood? Have you lost your mind?” I tried to pull away from him, but he held tight.

  “Don’t you get it? I tried to raise Matilda Hunt from the grave. I thought if she were still here that you wouldn’t be so obsessed with Wayne, since they’d still be together. Then maybe you’d go to prom with me.” Eddie’s wide eyes plowed into mine, and I finally heard what he was saying. He was right. This was all his fault.

  I finally jerked my arms out of his grasp. Then I reeled back and slapped him hard enough to leave a perfect hand-shaped welt on his cheek.

  “Your spell worked just fine,” I whispered. “And this,” I waved a hand at myself, “is all your fault. I hate you.”

  Complications

  Chapter 19

  I was so shaken by Eddie’s confession that I completely forgot to ask Wayne to come over after school. It didn’t matter now anyway. The masquerade theme was out. Denise had Amanda and the entire cheerleading squad coming tomorrow to vote in her favor. It was over.

  I didn’t know how I was going to break the news to Matilda, but it wasn’t going to be pretty. At this point, I wasn’t even sure what would be worse, seeing her attempt to cry or listening to her empty threats about having me committed. In her current state, I knew I wouldn’t have any trouble getting her to the garbage disposal if I absolutely had to.

  To my dismayed surprise, Wayne was waiting on my front steps when my mom and I pulled into the driveway. My mom smiled and waved at him as I got out of the car. She was already in her yoga attire, since her class started soon. “You kids behave. I’ll be back in a couple hours.”

  I watched her leave with a panicked frown before turning to face Wayne.

  “Hey,” he said softly, shuffling his feet. “Missed you at lunch today.”

  “Yeah, the prom committee had a meeting.”

  “I heard. For the record, I think a masquerade would be awesome.” He smiled.

  “Thanks.” I laughed. “Too bad Denise and the rest of the cheerleading squad would rather have a disco.” I unlocked the front door and stepped inside. Then I turned back and sighed. “You wanna come up to my room?”

  Wayne grinned and hurried up the front steps to join me inside. We stopped in the kitchen to grab a couple sodas and a bag of chips before heading upstairs. My room wasn’t too messy, and I had even taken the time to make my bed before I’d left for school that morning. It was probably due to all the extra guilt I was harboring.

  Wayne plopped down on my bed and immediately noticed Herbert and Gertrude, who I had decided not to kill with fire after the Matilda contamination. He picked them up and danced them across his lap, giving life to them with his best Muppet voices. Henson would have hired him on the spot.

  “Gee, Gertie,” he said for Herbert. “It sure would be swell if you’d go to prom with me.”

  “Well, I’d love to, Herbie,” Gertrude replied, “but there’s this really swell bunnyman that I’ve had my eye on.”

  “Oh yeah?” Herbert squeaked. “Well, I heard your bunnyman has his eye on a dapper gentlehare.”

  I raised an eyebrow at Wayne, but he went on. “I also hear that he’s your cousin.”

  “It’s okay,” Gertrude cooed. “We can be kissing bunny cousins.”

  I snatched the bunnies away from Wayne. “Okay. Okay. Seriously. I think Herbert and Gertrude have been through enough lately.”

  I set them on my dresser and opened my soda, promptly choking on the first drink as I noticed Matilda’s glowing eyes peeking out through a gap in my closet door.

  “You okay?” Wayne stood, but I quickly nodded and went to sit on the opposite side of the bed so he wouldn’t be looking towards the closet. He patted me on the back, and I inched away from him, hoping to keep Matilda from doing anything stupid. She was supposed to be in the shed. This day just kept getting better.

  Wayne waited for my coughing fit to end. Then he set his soda down on my nightstand and reached for my hand before I could recoil from him further.

  “Janie, I don’t know what happened between us. You’re my best friend, and I like you just the way you are. I don’t know what made you think that you had to act like the Ds to impress me, but you really don’t.” He shook his head. “Don’t get me wrong. I loved Matilda, but it wasn’t because of the way she dressed or acted at school. There was more to her than that. She wasn’t perfect, but who is?”

  “Wayne, there’s something you should know. I didn’t start dressing and acting like the Ds to impress you.”

  “You didn’t? Then why?”

  “It’s hard to explain. I really wish I could, but I can’t.”

  He frowned at me. “It doesn’t really matter. What I’m trying to say here, is that I would be honored if you would be my date for prom.”

  I opened my mouth, but nothing would come out. This moment was one that my life had pretty much revolved around since freshman year. I should have been overjoyed. I should have squealed some sort of affirmative reply and thrown my arms around him, laying a big sloppy kiss right on his puckered lips. Instead, I just wanted to crawl under my covers and die.

  It was right about that moment that Matilda chose to push open my closet door and fall face first onto the floor. Her vacant white eyes rolled up to look at us, and her mouth hung open, exposing blackened teeth and gums. Wayne froze, staring in disbelief, like he couldn’t quite figure out what had just happened. Then he jumped off my bed and threw his back against my bedroom wall before letting out the schoolgirl scream of the century.

  “She’s totally faking. I promise,” I blurted, throwing my hands up in air.

  “Faking?” I was sure Wayne was going to hyperventilate. “Janie, she’s dead!”

  “Well, not exactly.”

  “Not exactly?” Wayne looked from Matilda to me and then back at her again.

  “She’s undead. You know, like a zombie?”

  “Zombie? Are you on drugs?”

  “No. I’m perfectly sober and sane,” I said in the most even and
calm voice I could manage. “Ask Eddie. He’s the one who raised her.”

  “Eddie dug her up?”

  “No, he raised her. I’m pretty sure she dug herself up. Her nails were all icky,” I said, making a sour face.

  “You’re sick, Janie. You need help.” Wayne was slowly backing towards my bedroom door.

  “Wait! I’m serious. I can prove it.” I ran over and grabbed Matilda by both hands, pulling her into a sitting position. Her head lolled to one side, and she slumped against my dresser. “Snap out of it! I’m not going to prom with him. He’s all yours. You can cut the act now.”

  Wayne gagged and covered his mouth. “Oh, god. She smells awful. How long have you had her in your closet?”

  “Over a month now, but she sleeps in the shed, since the cold helps preserve her a little better.” I pushed her tongue back in her mouth and closed up her gaping jaw. “Come on, Mattie. Rise and shine.” I slapped her cheek gently, mindful of her fragile skin. It made a wet, hollow sound.

  “Oh, Janie.” Wayne turned slightly green and looked away. “I can’t do this. Please, stop touching her. You’re making me sick.”

  “Wait! I know. Just hold on for five minutes.” I dropped Matilda back to the floor and dug my phone out of my bag, desperately dialing with shaky fingers. “Eddie! Something’s wrong with Matilda. It’s like she’s dead again. I don’t know what to do.”

  “I know.” Eddie sighed into the phone. “I fixed it. I broke the spell.”

  “What? Well, you have to unbreak it. Now!”

  “But, but you were mad at me. You wanted her dead again. Didn’t you?”

  “I did, but now I don’t. Wayne is here, and—”

  “Wayne is there?” he groaned.

  “Yes, Wayne is here,” I hissed. “And he thinks I’m certifiable, because his girlfriend’s corpse is on my bedroom floor,” I said through gritted teeth. “Unbreak the spell. Now. Please.”

  “I’ll be right over.” He hung up. The phone buzzed in my hand before it had left my ear.

  “Yes?”

  “You don’t have any chicken blood on hand, do you?”

  “I’ll get some. Just get over here.” I hung up and dialed the only other person I trusted enough to task with such a freak request. “Chloe?”

  “Janie?” she said timidly.

  “Are you still at school?”

  “Yeah, I’m working on a new painting.”

  “I saw it today,” I said. “It’s amazing.”

  “Thanks.” She sighed. “Janie, I’m so glad you called.”

  “I’m so glad you answered. I need your help. In a bad way.”

  “What is it?”

  “You have to steal the new order of chicken blood that just came in to the chemistry lab in Mrs. Roth’s class. I need it, kinda now.”

  “What? Seriously?” She was suddenly skeptical. “Is this some plot to get me back? I’m really sorry, Janie.”

  “I know, Chloe. I’m sorry too. Honest. I swear on the Doctor.”

  “You really need chicken blood right now?” she asked.

  “Yeah. I’ll explain everything when you get to my house, and believe me, there is a lot to explain.”

  “Okay. Alright. Doesn’t Mrs. Roth lock up the lab when she leaves for the day?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Do you think a fire extinguisher would get the job done?”

  “I love you, Chloe.”

  “You better. I’ll see you in ten.”

  Favors

  Chapter 20

  All I could do now was wait and beg Wayne not to freak out and call his dad. He was already digging in his pocket for his phone.

  “Wayne, please. I promise I’m not crazy. Eddie and Chloe will be here soon, and then you’ll see for yourself. Please, just wait ten minutes. That’s all I ask.”

  He was still breathing hard through his mouth, but he wedged his phone back in his pocket. “I don’t think I can stay in here with her like that.” He gagged and covered his face with his hands again. “Janie, I want to believe you, but this is all too weird.”

  “Look, I’ll set her back in my closet. She’ll be fine in there until Eddie and Chloe show up.” I picked up Matilda under the arms and dragged her back into the closet. She was lighter than I expected, but then again, she was pretty dried out. I propped her up in the corner and closed the closet door. “There. All better.”

  “It is most definitely not all better,” Wayne fumed. He began pacing back and forth in front of my bedroom door. “Let’s say that I do believe you. Why would you raise Matilda as a zombie? Huh? Why?”

  “Are you serious? This wasn’t my idea, Wayne.”

  “Eddie, right. Then why would he do it?”

  “Because he wanted me to go to prom with him.” Wow. That cleared things right up.

  Wayne’s brow dipped down into a humorless line.

  I sighed and shrugged. “I guess he thought that if Matilda was still around that he wouldn’t have to worry about you asking me to prom.”

  “Okay.” He still looked confused.

  “This is Eddie we’re talking about here.”

  The doorbell rang and I jumped. “I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere.”

  I raced downstairs and threw open the front door. Eddie stood on my front steps with an older leather-bound book tucked under his arm. My handprint was still present on his cheek, and I couldn’t believe it, but I actually felt bad about it now.

  “Come on in,” I said, just as Chloe’s car pulled up behind Eddie’s Jeep in my driveway. She tucked the small drum of blood under the flap of her jacket and raced across the lawn, stepping inside right behind Eddie.

  I rushed everyone upstairs. Wayne was sitting on the edge of my bed, talking to himself. He stood when we came into the room. I closed the door behind us and locked it. I wasn’t expecting my mom for a while yet, but best not to take any chances.

  When I retrieved Matilda from the closet, Chloe paled.

  “Oh, wow. Janie. Just. Wow.” She handed the blood off to Eddie and covered her nose and mouth.

  Eddie was the only one who didn’t seem bothered by the smell of decay rolling off of Matilda. He knelt down in front of her and opened his book, pulling out a tiny hair doll attached to the end of a leather chord he had been using as a bookmark. He opened the blood and poured it down Matilda’s throat. I gagged and looked away until he was done. Then he began chanting in some weird language while dangling the hair doll over Matilda’s body.

  We all watched as the color came back to Matilda’s flesh, shifting from gray and green to a whitish blue. Her cheeks filled in slightly, and her hair regained some of its shine. When her fishy eyes opened, they were a hint bluer than they had been the first time I saw her after she died.

  Wayne freaked out again when Matilda sat up of her own accord. He made for the door, but I had foreseen his outburst, so I was waiting there to block his path. “Oh god!” He wailed. “She’s going to eat our faces off!”

  “Wayne?” Matilda pulled herself up with the help of my dresser. “Janie? What happened?”

  “You died again, but Eddie brought you back,” I shouted over Wayne’s horrified gibberish.

  “Wayne?” Matilda said again. “Wayne, please,” she sobbed. Real tears tinted her eyes.

  Wayne finally stopped freaking out and turned around to face Matilda. “How?” he panted.

  “Me,” Eddie answered, hanging his head. “That’s how.”

  “Please, Wayne. Can we talk alone for a minute?” Matilda looked around the room at the rest of us.

  “Alone?” Wayne didn’t look so sure.

  “I’m not going to hurt you, Wayne,” she pleaded.

  “You’re not?”

  “No, cross my heart.” Matilda gave him a small smile.

  “Okay.” He moved closer, away from the door.

  Chloe, Eddie, and I slipped out into the hallway. Chloe blinked stiffly and frowned at me. “Well, that was unexpected. I just thought the blood
was some weird quest you were sending me on so that I could regain your trust.”

  Eddie hadn’t taken his eyes off of me since we left my room. “I didn’t know that you were keeping her in your closet. I just keep making things worse, don’t I?”

  I laughed and threw my arms around both of them, pulling them into a painfully tight group hug. “Who wants a soda?”

  We migrated to the kitchen in a daze. Chloe helped herself to a box of chocolate chip cookies in the pantry and sat down at the kitchen table. Eddie joined her, and I followed him, stealing a cookie from Chloe.

  “I can’t believe it worked,” Eddie said.

  Chloe snorted. “I can’t believe Janie kept it a secret.”

  “And how do you suppose that would have gone over,” I said. “Hey, Chloe. Wanna come over and have a slumber party with me and my new undead BFF?”

  “She’s your new BFF?” Chloe frowned at me.

  “No. Well, I guess she sort of was while you and I were on the outs. I didn’t really have much of a choice.”

  “Why were you keeping her in your closet?” Eddie asked.

  “She was teaching me how to win over the Ds so I could infiltrate the prom committee and get them to do a masquerade theme. She thought that she might still be able to go as Wayne’s date that way.”

  “And you were helping her, why exactly?” Chloe shoved another cookie in her mouth, watching me with an intensity that should be reserved for bad soap operas.

  “Because she was threatening to make an anonymous call to Officer Russell and frame me as a grave robber.”

  “Ah,” she laughed. “That sounds more like the Hun I know. I guess that explains your weird metamorphosis into a D lately too.”

  “I am so sorry, Janie.” Eddie was wholly crestfallen. “I had no idea that the spell had even worked. She must have dug herself up after I left the graveyard.”

  “Yeah,” Chloe snapped. “What’s up with that? What were you thinking, raising that evil cow from the dead?”