Home Is Wherever You Are

by Rose von Barnsley

  Reed stumbled next to him, and Josh steadied him. "Yeah!" Reed yelled, and Jason came stumbling out of the van to join the messed-up line.

  My dad rolled his chair forward and shouted, "You better not mess up my boy's wedding!"

  "I've got shorts for that!" Joe shouted and fell over, as he started peeling off his pants. Josh surprised me by going up and knocking on the door.

  "You get her, boy!" Reed shouted after Josh.

  A woman I didn't recognize stepped out, along with big butt Jennifer. It seemed like Josh was talking quietly with Jennifer and looking annoyed.

  "Well, she doesn't deserve him! You know she's a stupid freak!" Jennifer shouted.

  Josh shook his head. "That doesn't give you the right to go off and tell her mother!"

  Suddenly, another woman pushed out the door, and Daniel stumbled forward, looking furious.

  "Well, isn't this a change, me sober and you drunk," the woman said snidely.

  "Tamera, you get out of town!"

  "I have my drinking shorts on!" Joe stumbled toward them. "They're for getting drunk!" he said, pointing to his boxers that had big-mouth bass on them. The waistband his shirt was tucked into said "Open Wide."

  "That's disgusting!" she snapped at Joe. I had to agree with her on that one. "I have every right to attend my daughter's wedding!" she shouted at Daniel.

  "No, you don't. You weren't invited! She doesn't want to talk to you! She doesn't want to see you! I asked her myself, and she said no!"

  "Well, I have words for her. She closed an account I needed."

  "Account?" I asked confused.

  "Who are you?" she snapped at me.

  "I'm Matthew, I'm marrying Addy."

  "Well, nice to meet you, but she messed up a loan I was looking into getting, because she closed an account she didn't have the right to touch."

  "What the heck are you talking about? The only account I know about was one that was way past due, and they were calling and harassing her for money, threatening to mess up her credit, so she wouldn't have been able to buy the next house."

  "That's ridiculous-" Tamera started.

  "No, it's not. I paid off that account, and we closed it together. You'd better not have anything else in her name!"

  Tamera flinched back, which worried me.

  "What accounts were closed, Tamera?" Daniel growled.

  "That's none of your business."

  "The hell it isn't!" Daniel shouted at her. "I'll take you in for fraud if you're messing with Addy's credit again!"

  "Again?" I asked.

  Daniel nodded. "When Addy went to apply for a home loan for her first house, she found a bunch of accounts open in her name. All of them were Tamera! We were able to straighten it out and get Addy off the accounts, so it wouldn't look bad for her credit, but it was a huge mess and a ton of paperwork. Thieving whore hurt my baby girl!"

  "Hussy-ler!" Joe fumbled out his word, or words, mixing them up. Either way, it worked. Jason just nodded in agreement.

  "I think you should leave town," I said sternly.

  "What makes you think I have to listen to you?"

  "Because I'm sober, and I love my girl. There's no way I'm letting you ruin her day."

  "Let me...let me have your phone," Daniel mumbled, taking Josh's phone.

  "Who are you trying to call?" he asked.

  "George, I'm calling George to run her in. He's on duty tonight."

  Josh nodded his head and hit the buttons and handed the phone to Daniel.

  "I can't believe you! How dare you have me arrested!" Tamera shouted.

  "Any time you step foot near my baby girl, you sure as hell will be arrested! You lost your parental rights! You lost your daughter, and you’d better not go anywhere near her again!" Daniel shouted.

  Josh took his phone back from Daniel and spoke quietly to George. A few minutes later, a squad car showed up, and Josh talked to the guy, who arrested a furious Tamera. We were also able to keep Joe out of jail for indecent exposure. I didn't know how Daniel did it, but even drunk, he was able to get Joe to put his pants back on.

  "Let's head back to Daniel's," Josh suggested, and I drove us back to his place.

  I looked at Josh in a new light. He didn't like my girl, but he had her back. That was great of him to get her mom arrested, so she wouldn't mess up our wedding.

  We all settled down onto the couch, and Daniel busted out another six-pack to share. Joe had stumbled home when we had driven up, saying he had another plan for his shorts. I hoped he never told me what that plan was. My dad passed out in his chair, so I pushed him to his room and flopped him onto the bed. He was going to have one of a headache in the morning.

  "It was you, wasn't it?" Daniel growled at Josh.

  "I only asked her to be my date. I didn't know Jen would go off and tell Tamera anything."

  "S'alright, boy, you fixed it. Tamera's in jail now. Addy's safe," Daniel sighed, on the verge of passing out.

  "You're not bringing Jennifer to the wedding, are you?" I asked Josh.

  "Not anymore, no," he said.

  I just shook my head at him. "I can't believe you'd go out with a girl like that. She's so horrible and mean."

  "Well, at least she isn't gross," Josh said, and Reed started laughing loudly, causing Daniel to stir.

  "What? What?" Daniel asked.

  "Josh said Addy was gross," Reed said, cackling like an old woman. I wanted to smack them both.

  "Addy is not gross!" I shouted at them, and Daniel shocked me by laughing at it as well.

  "What the heck, man? Are they high or something?" Kyle asked.

  Jason just stretched out, chugging his beer, watching the show that was the drunken guys I was babysitting.

  "T-t-t-t-tell him," Daniel hissed he was laughing so hard.

  "She don't like you, Josh!" Reed giggled like a freak, and his face started turning red, as he fell off the chair, causing Jason to laugh at the pair of old men acting like gossiping old women.

  Josh looked confused.

  "We told her," Daniel gasped and tried to catch his breath to finish, "that you liked her."

  "What?" Josh shouted. "You guys told me she like me!"

  Reed was trying to climb back into his seat, but was only able to pull the seat cushion down. He gave up and just leaned on the cushion, sitting on the floor. "I know!" Reed giggled again.

  "We thought you'd be good for her," Daniel said.

  "Boy, were we wrong!" Reed laughed.

  "She needed a friend, and you both were single," Daniel started giggling again, "But then she freaked out."

  "Freaked out?" I asked.

  "Went nuts!" Reed said.

  "You should've seen her," Daniel said, gasping for air again, as he started to slide down out of his chair. "The day after I told her, she, she, she…"

  "She was covered in mud!" Reed laughed. "And then she picked her nose!"

  "What the hell?" Josh asked.

  "What are you guys talking about?"

  "When they told me Addy liked me, I thought I'd let her down easy and ask her to just be friends. I'm four years older than her. She was seventeen, and I was twenty-one. I figured it was a crush. I knew she'd had a rough go of things with her mom, but when I showed up, she was a dirty mess. I felt so bad that I didn't say anything to her, not wanting to hurt her feelings."

  "It was hilarious!" Reed shouted. "The way those two tiptoed around each other was hysterical!"

  "You should've seen it. I swear, Reed, we'd better leave the matchmaking to the women, because we just made a mess!"

  "Literally!" Reed laughed. "You should've seen it, Matthew. I'd never seen a girl turn so grubby so fast. I don't know where she'd found that much dirt, but she did, and she rolled in it."

  "She was just trying to turn Josh off," Daniel laughed.

  "Well, it worked!" Josh snapped. "That was cruel. You guys freaked her out and had me feeling all weird around her." Josh turned to me, "She doesn't really have a gastrointestinal p
roblem, does she?"

  I shook my head no at him. "She's perfect and beautiful."

  "Well, thank god for that. I'll bet she doesn't collect earthworms, either."

  I started laughing at that one. "What?"

  "That's why she said she was dirty. She collected earthworms and kept some in her pockets. Then she picked her nose and did some sort of magic trick, making it look like she pulled one out of her nostril."

  I was laughing my head off now. "She's amazing! No, she doesn't, nor have I ever seen her anywhere near an earthworm. She showers every day, and I've never seen her pick her nose in public."

  He sighed and sank down in the chair. "So, you're normal then, too?" he asked me.

  I shrugged. "I suppose. I don't have any hobbies that involve worms or any other insect. I shower daily, and I don't pick my nose in front of other people, but let's face it, guys, we all pick our noses."

  "Here, here!" Jason shouted, "To nose picking!"

  Reed and Daniel raised their bottles, as did Kyle, who was completely amused by the whole mess.

  "Well, then congratulations on getting married, Matthew, and I'm glad you're not freaks," Josh said. Everyone agreed with the sentiment.

  I just laughed. "I'm glad you guys are not freaks, either."

  "Oh, hell no, I'm all freak, just ask Darlene," Kyle said laughing.

  Josh threw a pillow at him.

  "No throwing stuff in the house!" Daniel snapped.

  "But it's a throw pillow," Josh defended.

  "He's got you there, Sheriff, it is a throw pillow," Jason cut in, only to be smacked in the face with said throw pillow. I think I liked Jason. He was going to be cool to work with.

  Chapter 24 - Kyle’s Take on Stag Night...

  Kyle

  Matthew's bachelor party was on the mild side compared to some I had been to before. Of course, dragging a group of half-drunk guys across town, where one loses his pants, would measure close to what I was used to. It was nice to have the sheriff on our side, keeping us out of jail.

  Once we got back to the sheriff's house, little Matthew decided it was naptime, and he crashed on the couch. That boy must have been in love, because all he could think about was getting to the church on time the next day.

  He had a pretty cool group gathered. I was a little relieved when Crazy Shorts guy took off, though. I was terrified he would be dropping his pants and then some. He was an old guy, so I was sure it would do some serious retinal damage to see him naked.

  The sheriff and his buddy, Reed, had a relationship that made me wonder at times. The way they flopped their arms around each other and snickered in each other's ears would make anyone question their sexual orientation. I mean come on…both had been single for over a decade from what I had gathered. To each his own, I guess.

  Somehow, we got on to the topic of appropriate condom usage. I didn't know how or why, but things went downhill fast after that. Josh questioned Reed and Sheriff Stratton's worthiness to give their two cents on the topic, as he suspected neither had ever used any. Both Reed and Sheriff Stratton started naming chicks they had nailed, and Josh and Jason's eyes grew huge. I guess they knew the ladies they were talking about.

  "That's my mother!" Jason shouted and threw a pillow at Reed.

  "That's disgusting!" shouted Josh, and suddenly, Jason was offended. Next thing we knew, pillows were flying all over the place.

  The sheriff somehow found his gun and shot a hole in his ceiling.

  "Well, they are throw pillows," Reed snickered.

  The sheriff smacked him in the head with a pillow, and they started wrestling all over the floor, knocking over the coffee table full of beers.

  One of the beers splashed up on Jason, soaking his white shirt and made it see-through. He covered his chest with his hands and squealed like a little girl, screaming, "My nipples!"

  I burst out laughing, as Jason flopped to the floor and did a snake crawl on his belly to the kitchen, returning with a kitchen towel stuffed into the front of his shirt like he was ready to eat lobster.

  I realized that everyone was really drunk when Daniel, or "Danny boy," as he insisted everyone call him, tried to pass condoms out as poker chips. I shrugged it off and figured it would work in my favor in the end.

  I was eight condoms ahead of everyone, when Reed complained that Josh smelled. We all started laughing, but then realized Jason stank as well from the old beer that had been spilled on them.

  We decided to take the game outside. For some reason, Jason thought bringing a newspaper as a tablecloth was a good idea and spread it across the huge rock we were using as a table for our moved card game.

  "Now we can really get down to business!" Reed complained. "Matthew's snoring was throwing me off."

  "Sure, that was it. So, what's the excuse for sucking the last twenty years?" Danny boy chided.

  "Oh, shut up, I have more…" Reed looked down at his stack of condoms. His forehead scrunched up, and he held one close to his face to read it. "DANNY, THESE ARE CONDOMS!"

  "WHAT?" he screeched, shocked.

  Jason jumped on Reed, yanking his condom chips away from him. "Stay away from my mommy!"

  Reed laughed, throwing some more at him. "She's on birth control, Son, I ride bareback!"

  "NO!" Jason screamed like a little girl. "You don't touch her!" He grabbed the gun-shaped water nozzle and turned on the hose and was immediately tackled by Josh, who got his pants soaked, but they needed a good rinsing after the beer spill anyway.

  Danny boy was able to get the water turned off, and Jason was crying again about his nipples. "Don't look, oh god, please, don't look at them! You can't tell anyone. STOP LOOKING!" he squealed, swinging the hose around.

  He flopped down in the mud, making Sheriff Stratton mumble, "I never have my stun gun when I need one."

  "Jason," Josh slurred, "Take off your clothes." We all looked at him confused. "He's all muddy."

  "No, no, you can't see my nipples!" Jason started squealing.

  "I'll give you my shirt," Josh offered, taking his off, and then he winked at me as he flexed. I was thinking I needed to stop smiling at him and maybe get a haircut, if he was drunk enough to think I was a girl.

  Jason ripped his shirt off over his head, and Josh hosed him down and then tossed him his shirt to wear. "Nipple crisis averted."

  "Alright, now it's time for the condom instructional class," Sheriff Stratton said seriously, or as seriously as a drunk could, swaying a little as he brought a bunch of bananas out from who only knew where. He must have slipped into the house and grabbed them.

  Josh and Jason both eagerly grabbed bananas and shoved them into their flies. Josh started doing hip thrusts. "You're so hot, baby," he moaned, causing Jason to laugh and fall over, landing on the rock we had as a table. His feet slipped in the mud a few times, making it look like he was humping it, which caused Josh to laugh and smack his butt. "Get 'er done!" he chuckled.

  I just shook my head and took the banana that Reed handed me.

  "Now, carefully open the package," Sheriff Stratton instructed.

  "My banana's pokey. I have to peel it so it doesn't tear my condom. I don't want to get the girl pregnant," Jason said in a very serious tone. He peeled his banana and stuck it back in his crotch.

  "Me, neither, no babies!" Josh said, slurring a little, so everyone peeled their bananas, so no one would get their imaginary girls pregnant with their fake dicks.

  We all put our condoms on our bananas. I was the only one who didn't have it hanging out of my pants.

  Once that was done, we heard a loud screeching hiss come from the tree by Daniel's house. "That damn pussy is stuck in the tree again, probably fighting with another possum or raccoon." Daniel walked over to the clothesline and hung up his banana with a clothespin and then took off his shirt and kicked off his boots. I had no idea what the heck he was doing. I was really starting to worry, wondering what kind of pussy was stuck in the tree, when he took off his pants and then put his shoe
s back on. "I'll be back in a minute. I have a Muffin to save. All in a day's work," he said, marching off to the hissing tree with his pants slung over his shoulder.

  He climbed the tree faster than a banana farmer, and then all hell broke loose. We couldn't see what was happening, but we could hear the shouting. "Come on, pussy. Come on, Muff-Muff. Just back your ass up here. I ain't coming over there."

  Reed started giggling like a twelve-year-old boy watching a girls' slumber party. "I ain't coming, I ain't coming! Oh, pussy, pussy, please, just give it up and let me take you!"

  I had to admit, when everyone else started snickering, I joined in after that.

  "GOTCHA!" There was a loud rustling in the tree. Then we heard some branches start to snap. "WHOA! WHOA!" Daniel shouted.

  We all looked up to see him hanging from the tree, using his pants like a rope, and he had hold of a cat that was dangling by its collar. It didn't take long for it to slip out and hit the ground running. Daniel dropped to the ground and ran after it, shouting, "PUSSY! PUSSY! PUSSY!"

  I watched in amusement, as he rounded the front yard. He didn't get too far past Matthew's house, when a dark-haired woman came out and called to him. She didn't seem put off by him only wearing underwear and boots. She must have known him, because she grabbed his hand, and they walked up to Daniel's front porch and into his house.

  "Well, that's one way to get pussy," Reed said, laughing until he fell over.

  "My cheeks are chafing," Josh suddenly complained, rubbing his butt. "I'm all wet, I'm gonna get a rash."

  "Take your pants off," Jason said, like it was normal to strip in front of people you didn't know.

  "I don't wanna," Josh frowned.

  "Don't 'cha got undies on?" Jason slurred.

  "NO! Why would I wear those? They restrict blood flow to important things. I don't want to be important at a young age."

  "Impotent?" I asked.

  "That's what I said," he swayed a little.

  "Take 'em off, you'll get a rash, and no one will touch it," Reed promised.

  "No, you know why," Josh growled at his father.

  "Josh's got a pretty ass," Reed snickered.

  Jason actually leaned to the side, checking it out and shrugged. "Looks like an ass to me." I think I was a little relieved to find out he didn't like Josh's butt.