Home Is Wherever You Are

by Rose von Barnsley

  "No, it's literally pretty," Reed giggled. "He's got this…"

  Josh jumped on Reed, covering his mouth.

  "Don't!" Josh shouted. He looked over at Jason for help. "I saved your nipples, you save my ass, please?" he begged.

  Jason nodded and picked up the newspaper from the table. "Put this on and give me your pants. I'll hang them up for you."

  Josh wiggled out of the pants, and Jason held up the newspaper for him. The sicko looked down and smiled. "Well, ain't that pretty. I get it now," he said but didn't laugh.

  Josh looked at him warily, waiting for Jason to make jokes, but he didn't, and Josh seemed satisfied. He carefully wrapped his newspaper towel on, and Jason hung his pants on the line next to all the condom-covered bananas.

  "Hey, what's that shiny thing?" Josh asked, pointing to something on the ground. He picked up the cat's collar that had been discarded in the pussy chase and hung it up on the line.

  "Come on, Josh, you should take a shower, before you get a yeast infection from the beer," Reed said, as if he had experience with this. Jason followed after them, and I stood on the back porch, trying to figure out if I wanted to really step back into that house, when Josh didn't have pants on. A few moments later, Jason came walking back out with the newspaper that was dripping wet. He carefully hung it up and walked back in.

  I followed this time, just out of curiosity. Jason was all by himself, when we walked back into the front room. I wasn't about to ask where the naked guy was. I sat in the recliner and watched in amusement, as Jason tried to get comfortable on the coffee table, but it wasn't happening from the looks of it, and he started collecting things from around the house.

  First, it was a hand towel, but it didn't seem to work as a blanket. He grabbed a potholder and then saw a pillow on the ground. He grabbed the throw pillow and searched the front room for the rest of them, even prying three out from under Matthew, who was out like a log. I had two, but when Jason raised his fingers shaped like a gun at me and then threw the hand towel over his hand, I knew I was going to lose them. "I've got a gun, give me your pillows, and no one gets hurt."

  I held back my snickering, trying not to anger the drunk threatening me with his finger gun. Once I passed him the pillows, he set about making a nest like a freaking bird. I shook my head. I didn't know what the heck was up with that guy and just hoped he was saner when sober. Only time would tell.

  Chapter 25 - Wake-up Call: Can I peel your banana?

  Matthew

  I woke up, sprawled on Daniel’s couch, to a loud banging on the door. Not thinking, I jumped up, flinging the door open. Officer George was there and looked down at my attire, raising an eyebrow at me. I looked down to see I had taken off my pants and was wearing my beaver boxers that said “Like my wood?” on the waistband.

  “Were those some kind of party favor?” Officer George asked.

  Should I lie and excuse my crazy underwear, or admit they were mine and look like a freak?

  I heard a big booming laugh. “Well, look at that! Matthew’s just as much a freak as old Joe!” It was Kyle. He had been completely amused by the underwear Joe had been wearing. “You’ve been holding out on me, Matt, you gots to hook me up!” Kyle said, doing some sort of weird rap gangsta move. He was way too chipper this morning for someone who had drank as much as he had last night.

  I just stepped back, holding the door open wider for Officer George to step in. I noticed Jason snoring like there was no tomorrow in a pile of throw pillows. Josh and Reed were nowhere to be found, so I guessed they had gone home. I was not sure how, though, seeing as we had left their car at the bar.

  “I’ll go see if I can find Daniel,” I said, walking back towards his room.

  I noticed the bathroom door was open. Reed was curled up by the toilet, and Josh was asleep in the tub, using the shower curtain as a blanket. Addy would kill me if she saw the mess we had made. I knocked on Daniel’s door, but there was no answer. I opened it to find a naked Daniel sprawled over a sleeping Sharon, who was also naked. I quickly shut the door, pretending I hadn’t just seen my father-in-law’s naked rear end. I pounded on the door a little harder. I wasn’t sure when Sharon had shown up last night, but I had obviously been asleep for it. Apparently, Daniel hadn’t been.

  “Daniel!” I called, pounding on the door. I heard a thump and a groan. I was pretty sure he had fallen off the bed, as he had been teetering on the edge of it when I’d seen him.

  I heard some shuffling around, and then the door opened. Daniel was wearing just boxer briefs, and Sharon whistled at him. He turned, smiling at her and flexed, making her giggle. For a guy of forty-two, Daniel was still majorly ripped, with washboard abs and biceps worthy of a Chippendale calendar. No wonder Sharon was grinning.

  As he passed me in the hall, he grunted, “Yup, still got it.”

  I followed him down the hall to the kitchen, where he got a pot of coffee brewing. Officer George had already made himself at home, grabbing a cup. “Hey, Sheriff,” George addressed him, not even bothering to give a second glance at Daniel’s underwear.

  “Hey, George. So, what’s the status of my ex-wife?” Daniel asked.

  “She’s with a public defender. She’s claiming false arrest and police brutality,” George informed us, looking a little worried.

  The Sheriff just laughed. “If she wants some brutality, I can arrange some for her.” He leaned back against the counter. “Her pimp come looking for her yet?”

  George just shook his head no, and the Sheriff nodded. “Good, maybe we can keep her away until after the wedding then. If he shows up, stall him.”

  “Stall him?” George asked.

  “Stall him, find every form ever created for law enforcement and have him fill them out. Hopefully, he’ll be so pissed off by the end of it that he won’t let her out of his sight.”

  We heard the rustle of plastic, and we turned to find Josh standing in the hallway, wearing the shower curtain. “Has anyone seen my clothes?” he asked, and George and Daniel start laughing. What the heck had they gotten up to after I’d fallen asleep?

  If I’d thought things couldn’t get any crazier, I was wrong. Jason started moaning for his mommy on his pile of pillows. Kyle grabbed one and whacked him on his head, causing Jason to scream like a little girl, waking himself up.

  He blinked a few times and looked at Josh. “Are your pants still on the clothesline?” he asked.

  Josh lit up, excited to get a clue as to where his clothes were. I watched as he ran out the back door to the clothesline. Along with his pants were several random objects hanging from the line, including a few condoms with bananas in them. Now I was really curious as to what the heck had happened last night seeing this. Josh, the sick freak he was, took one down, rolled the condom off like a pro and ate the banana in three bites. He pulled his pants off the line and put them on, and then he took down a newspaper and sat down on a rock in the backyard and started reading it, like it was perfectly normal to lose your pants and eat bananas out of condoms. Maybe I was glad I had missed everything after all.

  Jason stumbled toward the clothesline himself and whipped off the shirt he was wearing, tossing it to Josh, and then he took down a shirt from the line, putting it on. “Thanks for letting me use your shirt, man,” Jason said stretching.

  “No problem,” Josh said, not looking up. “We all have issues, yours just has to do with your nipples. Like I said last night, I don’t like people looking at the flower-shaped mole on my butt, either. I wonder if I could get a star or something tattooed over it,” Josh said thoughtfully.

  Nipples? Flower-shaped moles?

  What the heck?

  “Yeah, you could make it look like a cool Chinese symbol or something,” Jason suggested.

  “That’s a good idea, but I’d probably go with a tribal symbol,” Josh agreed.

  Jason started laughing to himself, and I wondered if he wasn’t still a little drunk. “You should get the tribal symbol for fertility on it.�
��

  “I do have a very fertile butt. I’m very regular,” Josh said proudly, causing me to cringe.

  Jason just shook his head and snorted, “Whatever, dude.”

  “Are you gay?” Josh asked Jason.

  Jason pulled something off the line and threw it at Josh. “I’m not gay, you’re just an idiot.”

  Josh looked at what Jason threw at him. “Then why are you trying to collar me? Do you want me to be your sub? I am so not calling you master,” he said, tossing it back at Jason. Could this conversation get any weirder?

  Jason caught what Josh threw at him and looked at it closer. “Who is Muffin, and why do we have her collar?”

  Oh crap, I didn’t know what had happened with the Riley’s cat, but I sure as heck didn’t want to mess with it again. I hoped it found its way home without any incriminating evidence that would point to any of us.

  My mom came over with my father, dressed in his best white shirt, holding up mine and Daniel’s clothes. She passed me a bag with toiletries and underwear. “Here you go, Matthew, time to get ready. We girls took care of your ironing, but you need to dress yourself. I trust you remember how to tie a Windsor knot?”

  I nodded yes. I wasn’t certain, but I was pretty sure between us all we could figure it out.

  Josh came in and grabbed another banana. “I liked the ones outside better,” he said, as he ate it .

  “Dude, that one was in a condom,” Kyle snickered.

  “So, it’s just like a banana-shaped Ziploc bag,” he said, shoving most of the banana into his mouth, nearly swallowing it down whole.

  “And he thinks I’m gay, pansy ass,” Jason mumbled, watching Josh practically deep-throat the banana.

  It was five minutes until the wedding was supposed to start. I was standing up front, waiting for my beautiful girl. Could you believe that out of all of us, it was Kyle who knew how to tie a Windsor knot? Sure, it was a little crooked, but it was tied, and that was all that mattered.

  Some of the ladies who had been at the house were seated near the front. Sharon came in and sat down beside my mother. They had apparently bonded during the hen party and sat with their heads together whispering. They both looked up at me and started silently giggling. The other ladies surrounding them did the same, and I could only imagine what they had all talked about during their get-together. I hoped they hadn’t embarrassed my girl too much. I would have to remember to ask her later.

  The music started, and everyone turned, as Addy slowly came down the aisle toward me on Daniel’s arm, a bouquet of wildflowers in hand. She was wearing my mother’s gown, and she looked like an angel. Mrs. Baker had given her a strand of pearls and a pair of matching earrings. She said she had no one else to pass them on to, so she wanted my girl to have them. Addy had some wildflowers tucked up in her hair as well, which was all piled up, with ringlets falling down around her face and neck. I always believed she was beautiful, but right now, there were no words for how much more than just beautiful she was, and she was my girl. She would be my wife.

  The ceremony was short and sweet, and honestly, I think the whole freaking town had showed up for the wedding, minus the Staley’s and Addy’s mother, thank goodness. When Addy was finally pronounced my wife and introduced as Mrs. Martin, I think I was about to burst with joy. I might have hugged her a little too hard and swung her around in a circle.

  We were led off into another room in the church, and I was surprised by the amount of food and decorations the women had been able to come up with in such a short time. It was simple but beautiful.

  When Addy asked my mom about taking care of things after the reception, she told her not to worry about cleanup, because there were several ladies who had volunteered to do the cleaning afterwards. “You’re very loved here, Addy, never doubt that. Everyone is thrilled to have you and Matthew living in town again,” my mother said, kissing her cheek.

  We spent most of the reception thanking everyone. There was a small decorated table to the side, and it was covered with wrapped wedding gifts, which made me smile. We certainly didn’t expect anything, but these people in this little town were wonderful and generous to a fault. I would make sure they had the best handyman service I could possibly give them.

  Someone had brought their collection of music and was playing it over the church PA system. They were playing some Frank Sinatra at the moment, and Addy and I were coaxed to have our first dance as husband and wife. I didn’t have a lot of experience with dancing, and I hoped Addy knew enough that we both didn’t look like fools. I realized as we came together, rocking softly to the music, that we had nothing to worry about.

  As long as we were together, we would be fine.

  Chapter 26 - One-eyed Snakes and Knitting Needles

  The wedding was over, and I found myself standing nervously in our bedroom. Addy sat down on the bed, making her look like an angel sitting on a fluffy cloud. How had I gotten so lucky to marry her?

  "Mr. Martin," she said my name, her eyes looking dark with want.

  "Yes, Mrs. Martin?" My heart skipped a beat, she was Mrs. Martin! My insides were doing a happy dance.

  "You look nervous, husband."

  My reality came crashing down on me fast. I was a virgin, and Daniel was certain she was as well, but we had never discussed if she was "experienced" or not, so I was kind of freaking out.

  The drunken advice everyone had given me sounded completely stupid right now. I was not going to dominate her like Kyle had suggested, and I sure as heck wasn't going to use any sort of banana to pop any cherries. Dad warned me that mom had run away from him, when she had seen the size of him, but I wasn't worried about that. Addy knew what was coming.

  "Matthew?" Addy brought me out of my thoughts, "Are you okay?"

  I nodded stiffly, and she waved me to come over to her. I did so, careful not sit on her dress. I just wanted to say that there was a lot of dress, and if we decided to have sex, I might need a map and a compass to get to the cherry cavern.

  "Are you a virgin?" she asked me outright. I had never said one way or another.

  I swallowed hard and nodded yes. She smiled so sweetly at me I wanted to just forget the pressure of this sex thing and snuggle. I so sounded like a girl.

  "It's okay, Matthew, we'll get through this together," she said and then chuckled at herself. "I'm making it sound like a challenge."

  "Isn't it, though? I mean, to have sex and not hurt you and try and make you feel good." I ran my hands through my hair. "I want to, but I don't think I'm going to be able to make it good. I've never done this before. Should I read up on it more? We could put this off and go to the library tomorrow."

  She just giggled at me. "You're so wonderfully sweet. Help me get undressed, baby, and I'll do all the work."

  "What? You know how?" I asked, a little shocked and hurt.

  "You would not believe what those women were talking about at that hen party last night. They were rather…enlightening." She turned her back to me. "Undo my dress, please," she said and then went on. "Just be glad I didn't take Mrs. Riley's advice and bring knitting needles to bed."

  "Do you even own any?" I asked curious.

  "She gave me a special set just for tonight, nice and sharp," she smirked over her shoulder at me. "Did you see Mr. Riley sporting a black eye at our wedding? What did you all get up to last night?"

  "I don't really know. He went home early, though, said he wanted to try something out."

  Addy burst out laughing. "Oh, my goodness, you don't think she punched him for trying something new in bed, do you?"

  I chuckled, shaking my head. "I really don't want to know."

  Her dress was finally open, and she slid it down her shoulders, letting it hang on her waist. "Take your clothes off, Matthew, and lay on the bed."

  Someone must have told her to dominate me, and I was okay with that. She walked across the room and wiggled the dress off her hips. She was hanging her dress up carefully, as I was quickly chucking my cl
othes all over. I didn't have the stress of having sex anymore. She said she would do it. I mean we were doing it together, but she was in control, so if I messed up, it wouldn't be a big deal, right?

  When she walked over to the bed again, where I was lying naked, I couldn't help but smile. She had on little white panties that had cherries and pies all over them. I smirked at her. "Why haven't I seen these before?"

  She shrugged. "I wanted to keep them for tonight."

  My insides relaxed, knowing what those cherry pies meant. She was a virgin, too. She reached into the nightstand and pulled out a package of condoms.

  "Do you know how to put one on?" I asked.

  She just smiled and kissed down my body then rolled one on me, before crawling back up. "You need to have some cherry pie before we do this, so it won't hurt as much."

  I nodded and quickly moved down her body between her thighs, licking frantically. I had never wanted to give her pleasure so badly in my life! If she came this way at least once, I wouldn't be a complete failure then, right?

  I worked her over, hitting all the sweet spots I knew on her body, and she was writhing beneath me.

  "Now," she panted out. I looked up unsure, but she said it firmly again, "Now, Matthew, do it fast."

  I was nervous about this. I didn't want to hurt her, but I did as she asked. I plunged into her, causing her to gasp. I stilled myself, panicked that I had hurt her. She was breathing hard, and I was huffing just as loud. "Are you okay?" I asked.

  "Yeah, that wasn't bad at all. Go ahead and go," she urged, shifting a little more. I felt her wiggle beneath me, and my eyes started to roll back in my head. Once I realized she was okay, I was free to revel in the feel of her under me and all around me. Holy cow, it was good, and I wanted to buck like a bronco. One more shift and I was pumping like a madman, and suddenly, my gut twisted up, and I lost it with a force I never had before.

  I fell on top of her and then rolled to the side, when I realized I was squishing her. "Wow," I said and looked up at her face. She smirked at me and kissed my forehead.