The Feeling Good Handbook

by David D Burns

  You may object, "Why should I have to pat myself on the back for everything I do? My family, friends, and business

  99

  David D. Burns, M.D.

  Figure 5-7.

  Self-Downing Statement

  Self-Endorsing Statement

  Anybody could wash these dishes.

  If it's a routine, boring job, I deserve extra credit for doing it.

  There was no point in washing these That's just the point. They'll be dishes. They just get dirty again.

  clean when we need them.

  I could have done a better job Nothing in the universe is perfect, straightening up.

  but I did make the room look a hell

  of a lot better.

  It was just luck the way my speech

  It wasn't a matter of luck. I pre-

  turned out.

  pared well and delivered my talk

  effectively. I did a darn good job.

  I waxed the car, but it still doesn't The car looks a heck of a lot better look as good as my neighbor's new than it did. I'll enjoy driving it car.

  around.

  associates should be more appreciative of me." There are several problems here. In the first place, even if people are overlooking your efforts, you are guilty of the same crime if you also neglect yourself, and pouting won't improve the situation.

  Even when someone does stroke you, you can't absorb the praise unless you decide to believe and therefore validate what is being said. How many genuine compliments fall on your deaf ears because you mentally discredit them? When you do this, other people feel frustrated because you don't respond positively to what they are saying. Naturally, they give up trying to combat your self-downing habit. Ultimately, only what you think about what you do will affect your mood.

  It can be helpful simply to make a written or mental list of the things you do each day. Then give yourself a mental credit for each of them, however small. This will help you focus on what you have done instead of what you haven't gotten around to doing. It may sound simplistic, but it works!

  TIC-TOC Technique. If you are procrastinating about getting down to a specific task, take note of the way you are thinking about it. These TICs, or Task-Interfering Cognitions, will lose much of their power over you if you simply write

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  FEELING GOOD

  them down and substitute more adaptive TOCs, or Task-Oriented Cognitions, using the double-column technique. A number of examples are shown hi Figure 5-8. When you record your TIC-TOCs, be sure to pinpoint the distortion hi the TIC

  that defeats you. You may find, for example, that your worst enemy is all-or-nothing thinking or disqualifying the positive, or you may be in the bad habit of making arbitrary negative predictions. Once you become aware of the type of distortion Figure S-8. The TIC-TOC Technique. In the left-hand column, record the thoughts that inhibit your motivation for a specific task. In the right-hand column, pinpoint the distortions and substitute more objective, productive attitudes.

  TIC:

  TOCs

  (Task-interfering Cognitions)

  (Task-oriented Cognitions)

  Housewife:

  Overgeneraiization; all-or-nothing

  Fit never be able to get the garage thinking.

  cleaned out. The junk's been piling Just do a little bit and get started.

  up for years.

  There's no reason I have to do it all

  today.

  Bank Clerk?

  Disqualifying the positive.

  My work isn't very important or ex-

  It may seem routine to me, but !es citing.

  quite important to the people who

  use the bank. When I'm not de.

  pressed, it can be very enjoyable.

  Many people do routine work but

  this doesn't make them unimportant

  human beings. Maybe I could do

  something more exciting in my free

  time.

  Student:

  All-or-nothing thinking.

  Writing this term paper is pointless.

  Just do a routine job. It doesn't have The subject is boring.

  to be a masterpiece. I might learn something, and it will make me feel

  better to get it done.

  Secretary:

  Fortune teller error.

  ni probably flub typing this and I don't have to type perfectly. I can make a bunch of typos. Then my correct the errors. If he's overly boss will yell at me.

  critical, I can disarm him, or tell

  him rd do better if he were more

  supportive and less demanding.

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  David D. Burns, M.D.

  Figure S-8. Continued.

  Politician:

  Fortune teller error; labeling.

  If I lose this race for governor, I'll It's not shameful to lose a politic---I be a laughing stock.

  contest. A lot of people respect r

  for trying and taking an honest-sta.:J

  on some important issues Unto:-

  tunately, the best man often doeset

  win, but I can believe in mysel

  whether or not I come out on top.

  Insurance Salesman:

  Mind reading.

  What's the point in calling this guy I have no way of knowing. Give it a back? He didn't sound interested.

  try. At least he asked me to cal

  back. Some people will be interested

  and I have to sift the chaff from the

  wheat. I can feel productive even

  when someone turns me down. I'D

  sell one policy on the average fat

  every five people who turn me down,

  so it's to my advantage to get as

  many turndowns as possible! The

  more turndowns, the more sales!

  Shy Single Man:

  Fortune teller error; overgeneraliza-

  If I call up an attractive girl, she'll lion.

  just dump on me, so what's the They can't all turn me down, and it's point? IT just wait around until not shameful to try. I can learn some girl makes it real obvious that from any rejection I've got to start she likes me. Then I won't have to practicing to improve my style, so take a risk.

  take the big plunge/ It wok courage

  to jump off the high dive the first

  time, but I did it and survived I can

  do this too!

  Author:

  All-or-nothing thinking,

  This chapter has to be great. But I

  Just prepare an adequate draft. I

  don't feel very creative.

  can improve ft later.

  Athlete:

  Disqualifying the positive; all-or-

  I can't discipline myself. I have no nothing thinking.

  self-controL I'll never get in shape. I must have self-control because I've done well Just work out for a

  while and call it quits if I get ex-

  hausted.

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  FEELING GOOD

  that most commonly thwarts you, you will be able to correct it. Your procrastination and time-wasting will give way to action and creativity.

  You can also apply this principle to mental images and daydreams as well as to thoughts. When you avoid a task, you probably automatically fantasize about it in a negative, defeatist fashion. This creates unnecessary tension and apprehension, which impairs your performance and increases the likelihood that your dreaded fear will actually come true.

  For example, if you have to give a speech to a group of associates, you may fret and worry for weeks ahead of time because in your mind's eye you see yourself forgetting what you have to say or reacting defensively to a pushy question from the audience. By the time you give the speech, you have effectively programmed yourself to behave just this way, and you're such a nervous wreck it turns out just as badly as you had imagined!

  If you dare to give it a try, here's a solution: For ten minu
tes every night before you go to sleep, practice fantasiz-ing that you deliver the speech in a positive way. Imagine that you appear confident, that you present your material in an energetic manner, and that you handle all questions from the audience warmly and capably. You may be surprised that this simple exercise can go a long way to improving how you feel about what you do. Obviously there is no guarantee things will always come out exactly as you imagine, but there's no doubt that your expectations and mood will profoundly influence what actually does happen.

  Little Steps for Little Feet. A simple and obvious self-activation method involves learning to break any proposed task down into its tiny component parts. This will combat your tendency to overwhelm yourself by dwelling on all the things you have to do.

  Suppose your job involves attending lots of meetings, but you find it difficult to concentrate due to anxiety, depression, or daydreaming. You can't concentrate effectively because you think, "I don't understand this as I should. Gosh, this is boring. I'd really prefer to be making love or fishing right now."

  Here's how you can beat the boredom, defeat the distraction, and increase your ability to concentrate: Break the task 103

  David D. Burns, M.D.

  down into its smallest component parts! For example, decide to listen for only three minutes, and then take a one-minute break to daydream intensively. At the end of this mental vacation, listen for another three minutes, and do not entertain any distrac ting thoughts for this brief period. Then give yourself another one minute break to daydream.

  This technique will enable you to maintain a more effective level of overall concentration Giving yourself permission to dwell on distracting thoughts for short periods will diminish their power over you. After a while, they will seem ludicrous.

  An extremely useful way to divide a task into manageable units is througl- time limitation Decide how much time you will devote to a particular task, and then stop at the end of the allotted time and go on to something more enjoyable, whether or not you're finished. As simple as this sounds, it can work wonders. For example, the wife of a political VIP

  spent year harboring resentment toward her husband for his successful. glamorous life She felt her life consisted of an oppressive load of child-rearing and housecleaning Bet ause she was compulsive she never felt she had enough time to complete her dreary chores. Life was a treadmill She was straddled by depression. and had been unsuccessfully treated by a long string of famous therapists for over a decade as she looked in vain for the elusive key to personal happiness.

  After consulting twice with one of my colleagues (Dr.

  Aaron T Beck), she experienced a rapid mood swing out of her depression (his therapeutic wizardry never ceases to astonish me). How did he perform this seeming miracle? Easy.

  He suggested to her that her depression was due in part to the fact that she wasn't pursuing goals that were meaningful to her because she didn't believe in herself. Instead of acknowledging and confronting her fear of taking risks, she blamed her lack of direction on her husband and complained about all the undone housework.

  The first step was to decide how much time she felt she wanted to spend on the housework each day; she was to spend no more than this amount even if the house wasn't perfect, and she was to budget the rest of the day to pursue activities that interested her. She decided that one hour of housework would be fair, and enrolled in a graduate program so she could develop her own career. This gave her a feeling 104

  FEELING GOOD

  of liberation. Like magic, the depression vanished along with the anger she harbored toward her husband.

  I don't want to give you the idea that depression is usually so easy to eliminate Even in the above case this patient will probably have to fight off a number of depressive recurrences.

  She may at time fall back temporarily into the same trap of trying to do too much, blaming others and feeling overwhelmed Then she will have to apply the same solution again. The important thing is she has found a method that works for her.

  The same approach might work for you. Do you tend to bite off bigger pieces than you can comfortably chew? Dare to put modest time limits on what you do! Have the courage to walk away from an unfinished task' You may be amazed that you will experience a substantial increase in your productivity and mood, and your procrastination may become a thing of the past.

  Mothation Without Coercion. A possible source of your procrastination is an inappropriate system for self-motivation.

  You may inadvertently undermine what you attempt by flagellating yourself with so many "oughts," "shoulds," and "

  musts" that you end up drained of any desire to get moving.

  You are defeating yourself by the way you kill yourself to get moving' Dr. Albert Ellis describes this mental trap as "

  musterbation."

  Reformulate the way you tell yourself to do things by eliminating those coercive words from your vocabulary. An alternative to pushing yourself to get up in the morning would be to say, "It will make me feel better to get out of bed, even though it will be hard at first. Although I'm not obliged to, I might end up being glad I did. If, on the other hand, I'm really benefiting from the rest and relaxation. I may as well go ahead and enjoy it!" If you translate shoulds into wants, you will be treating yourself with a sense of respect This will produce a feeling of freedom of choice and personal dignity.

  You will find that a reward system works better and lasts longer than a whip. Ask yourself, "What do I want to do?

  What course of action would be to my best advantage?" I think you will find that this way of looking at things will enhance your motivation.

  If you still have the desire to lie in bed, mope, and feel 105

  David D. Burns, M.D.

  doubtful that getting up is really what you want to do, make a list of the advantages and disadvantages of staying in bed for another day. For example, an accountant who was far behind in his work around tax time found it hard to get up each day. His customers began to complain about the undone work, and in order to avoid these embarrasing confrontations, he lay in bed for weeks trying to escape, not even answering the phone. Many customers fired him, and his business began to fail.

  His mistake was in telling himself, "I know I should go to work but I don't want to. And I don't have to either! So I won't!" Essentially, the word "should" created the illusion that the only reason for him to get out of bed was to please a bunch of angry, demanding customers. This was so unpleasant that he resisted. The absurdity of what he was doing to himself became apparent when he made a list of the advantages and disadvantages of staying in bed (Figure 5-9, opposite page). After preparing this list, he realized it was to his advantage to get out of bed. As he subsequently became more involved with his work, his mood rapidly improved in spite of the fact that he had lost many accounts during the period of inactivity.

  Disarming Technique. Your sense of paralysis will be intensified if your family and friends are in the habit of pushing and cajoling you. Their nagging should statements reinforce the insulting thoughts already echoing through your head. Why is their pushy approach doomed to failure? It's a basic law of physics that for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction. Any time you feel shoved, whether by someone's hand actually on your chest or by someone trying to boss you around, you will naturally tighten up and resist so as to maintain your equilibrium and balance. You will attempt to exert your self-control and preserve your dignity by refusing to do the thing that you are being pushed to do. The paradox is that you often end up hurting yourself.

  It can be very confusing when someone obnoxiously insists you do something that actually would be to your advantage.

  This puts you in a "can't win" situation because if you refuse to do what the person tells you, you end up defeating yourself just in order to spite him or her. In contrast, if you do what the person tells you to do, you feel had. Because you 106

  FEELING GOOD

  Figure 5-9.

  A
dvantages of Lying in Bed

  Disadvantages of Lying in Bed

  1. It's easy.

  1. While it seems easy, it gets

  awfully boring and painful after

  a while. It's actually not so easy

  to do nothing and to lie here

  moping and criticizing myself

  hour after hour.

  2. I won't have to do anything or 2. I won't be obliged to do anything f a c e m y p r o b l e m s . i f I g e t o u t o f b e d e i t h e r , b u t i t might feel better. If I avoid my

  problems they won't go away,

  they'll just get worse, and I won't

  have the satisfaction of trying

  to solve them. The short-term

  discomfort of facing up to things

  is probably less depressing than

  the endless anguish of staying in

  bed.

  3. I can sleep and escape.

  3. Ican't

  slep forever, and Irealy

  don't need any more sleep sinco

  I have been sleeping nearly six-

  teen hours a day. I will probably

  feel less fatigued if I get up and

  get my arms and legs moving

  rather than lie around in bed

  like a cripple waiting for my

  arms and legs to rotl

  gave in to those pushy demands, you get the feeling the individual controlled you, and this robs you of self-respect. No one likes to be coerced.

  For example, Mary is a woman in her late teens who was referred to us by her parents after many years of depression.

  Mary was a real "hibernator," and had the capacity to sit alone in her room watching TV soap operas for months at a time. This was due in part to her irrational belief that she looked "peculiar," and that people would stare at her if she went out in public, and also by her feeling of being coerced by her domineering mother. Mary admitted that doing things 107

  David D. Burns, M.D.

  might help her feel better, but this would mean giving in to her mother who kept telling her to get off her duff and do something. The harder Mom pushed, the more stubbornly Mary resisted.