The Feeling Good Handbook

by David D Burns

  It is an unfortunate fact of human nature that it can be extremely difficult to do something when you sense you are being forced into it. Fortunately, it's very easy to learn how to handle people who nag and harangue you and try to run your life. Suppose you are Mary, and after thinking things over, you decide you would be better off if you got involved in doing a number of things. You've just made this decision when your mother comes into your bedroom and announces, "

  Don't you lie around any longer! Your life is going down the drain. Get moving! Get involved in things the way the other girls your age do!" At that moment, in spite of the fact that you already have decided to do just that, you develop a tremendous aversion to it!

  The disarming technique is an assertive method that will solve this problem for you (other applications of this verbal maneuver will be described in the next chapter). The essence of the disarming technique is to agree with your mother, but to do so in a way that you remind her you are agreeing with her based on your own decision, and not because she was telling you what to do. So, you might answer this way: "Yes, Mom, I just thought the situation over myself and decided it would be to my advantage to get moving on things. Because of my own decision, I'm going to do it." Now you can start doing things and not feel had. Or if you wish to put more of a barb in your comments, you can always say, "Yes, Mom, I have in fact decided to get out of bed in spite of the fact that you've been telling me to!"

  Visualize Success. A powerful self-motivation method involves making a list of the advantages of a productive action you've been avoiding because it requires more self-discipline than you have been able to muster. Such a list will train you to look at the positive consequences of doing it. It's only human to go after what you want. Furthermore, clubbing yourself into effective action doesn't usually work nearly as well as a fat, fresh carrot.

  Suppose, for example, you want to quit smoking. You may be reminding yourself about cancer and all the other dangers 108

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  of smoking. These fear tactics make you so nervous that you immediately reach for another cigarette; they don't work.

  Here's a three-step method that does work.

  The first step is to make a list of all the positive consequences that will result when you become a nonsmoker. List as many as you can think of, including:

  1. Improved health.

  2. I'll respect myself.

  3. I'll have greater self-discipline. With my new self-confidence, I may be able to do a whole lot of other things I've been putting off.

  4. I will be able to run and dance actively, and still feel good about my body. I'll have lots of stamina and extra energy.

  5. My lungs and heart will become strong. My blood pressure will go down.

  6. My breath will be fresh.

  7. I'll have extra spending money.

  8. I'll live longer.

  9. The air around me will be clean.

  10. I'll be able to tell people that I've become a nonsmoker.

  Once you have prepared the list, you're ready for the second step. Every night before you go to sleep, fantasize you are in your favorite spot—walking through the woods in the mountains, on a crisp autumn day, or maybe lying on a quiet beach near a crystal-blue ocean, with the sun warming your skin. Whatever fantasy you choose, visualize every enjoyable detail as vividly as possible, and let your body relax and let go. Allow every muscle to unwind. Let the tension flow out of your arms and legs and leave your body. Notice how your muscles begin to feel limp and loose. Notice how peaceful you feel. Now you are ready for the third step.

  Fantasize that you are still in that scene, and you have become a nonsmoker. Go through your list of benefits and repeat each one to yourself in the following way: "Now I have improved health and I like it. I can run along the beach, and I want this. The air around me is clean and fresh, and I feel good about myself. I respect myself. Now I have greater

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  David D. Burns, M.D.

  self-discipline, and I can take on other challenges if I want to. I have extra spending money," etc.

  This method of habit management through the power of positive suggestion works amazingly well. It enabled me and many of my patients to quit smoking after a single treatment session. You can do it easily, and you'll find it's well worth your efforts. It can be used for self-improvement in losing weight, lawn mowing, getting up on time in the morning, adhering to a jogging routine, or for any other habit you'd like to modify.

  Count What Counts. A three-year-old boy named Stevie stood by the edge of the children's pool, afraid to jump in.

  His mother sat hi the water in front of him, urging him to take the leap. He held back; she cajoled. The power struggle went on for thirty minutes. Finally, he jumped. The water felt fine. It wasn't so difficult, and there was actually nothing to fear. But his mother's efforts backfired. The unfortunate message imprinted on Stevie's mind was, "I have to be pushed before I can do anything risky. I don't have the gumption to jump in on my own like the other kids." His mother and father got the same idea; they began to think, "

  Left to his own devices, Stevie would never dare go into the water at all. If he isn't constantly pushed, he'll do nothing by himself. Raising him is going to be a long, hard struggle."

  Sure enough, as Stevie grew up, the drama was repeated over and over. He had to be persuaded and pushed to go to school, to join the baseball team, to go to parties, and so on.

  He rarely initiated any action on his own. By the time he was referred to me at age twenty-one, he was chronically depressed, living with his parents, and not doing much with his life. He was still waiting around for people to tell him what to do and how to do it. But by now his parents were fed up trying to motivate him.

  After each therapy session, he would leave the office charged with my enthusiasm to follow through on whatever self-help assignment we had discussed. For example, one week he decided to smile or say hello to three people he didn't know as a small first step in breaking his isolation. But the next week he would come into my office with a drooping head and a sheepish look that let me know he had "forgot-ten" to say hello to anyone. Another week, his assignment 110

  FEELING GOOD

  was to read a three-page article I had written for a singles magazine on how an unmarried man learned to overcome his loneliness. Steve came back the next week and said he had lost the manuscript before having a chance to read it. Each week as he left, he would feel a great surge of eagerness to help himself, but by the time he was in the elevator, he would "

  know" in his heart of hearts that the week's assignment, however simple, would just be too hard to do!

  What was Stevie's problem? The explanation goes back to that day at the swimming pool. He still carries in his mind the powerfully imprinted idea that "I really can't do anything on my own. I'm the kind of guy who's got to be pushed." Because it never occurred to him to challenge this belief, it continued to function as a self-fulfilling prophecy, and he had over fifteen years of procrastination to back up his belief that he "really was" like that.

  What was the solution? First Stevie had to become aware of the two mental errors that were the key to his problem: mental filter and labeling. His mind was dominated by thoughts about the various things he put off doing, and he ignored the hundreds of things he did each week that did not involve his being pushed by someone else.

  "All of that is well and good," Stevie said after we discussed this. "You seem to have explained my problem, and I think that's correct. But how can I change the situation?"

  The solution turned out to be simpler than he anticipated. I suggested he obtain a wrist counter (as discussed in the last chapter), so that each day he could count the things he did on his own without prodding or encouragement from anyone.

  At the end of the day he was to write down the total number of clicks he scored and keep a daily log.

  Over a several-week period, he began to notice that his daily score increased. Every time he cli
cked the counter, he reminded himself that he was in control of his life, and in this way he trained himself to notice what he did do. Stevie began to feel increased self-confidence, and to view himself as a more capable human being.

  Does it sound simple? It is! Will it work for you? You probably don't think so. But why not put it to the test? If you have a negative reaction and are convinced the wrist counter won't work for you, why not evaluate your pessimistic preclic-David D. Burns, M.D.

  tion with an experiment? Learn to count what counts; you may be surprised at the results!

  Test Your "Can'ts." An important key to successful self-activation involves learning to adopt a scientific attitude toward the self-defeating predictions you make about your performance and abilities. If you put these pessimistic thoughts to the test, you can discover what the truth is.

  One common self-defeating thought pattern when you are depressed or procrastinating is to "can't" yourself every time you think of something productive to do. Perhaps this stems from your fear of being blamed for your do-nothingism. You try to save face by creating the illusion that you are just too inadequate and incompetent to do a single thing. The problem with defending your lethargy in this manner is that you may really start believing what you are telling yourself! If you say, "I can't," over and over often enough it becomes like a hypnotic suggestion, and after a while you become genuinely convinced you really are a paralytic invalid who can't do anything. Typical "can't" thoughts include: "I can't cook,"

  "I can't function," "I can't work," "I can't concentrate," "I can't read," "I can't get out of bed," and "I can't clean my apartment."

  Not only do such thoughts defeat you, they will sour your relationships with those you love because they will see all your "I can't" statements as annoying whining. They won't perceive that it really looks and seems impossible for you to do anything. They will nag you, and set up frustrating power struggles with you.

  An extremely successful cognitive technique involves testing your negative predictions with actual experiments. Suppose, for example, you've been telling yourself: "I'm so upset I can't concentrate well enough to read anything at all."

  As a way of testing this hypothesis, sit down with today's newspaper and read one sentence, and then see if you can summarize the sentence out loud. You might then predict—"But I could never read and understand a whole paragraph." Again—put this to the test. Read a paragraph and summarize. Many severe, chronic depressions have been cracked open with this powerful method.

  The "Can't Lose" System. You may feel hesitant to put your "can'ts" to the test because you don't want to run the 112

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  risk of failure. If you don't run any risks, at least you can maintain the secret belief that you're basically a terrific person who's decided for the time being not to get involved. Behind your aloofness and lack of commitment lurks a powerful sense of inadequacy and the fear of failure.

  The "Can't Lose" System will help you combat this fear.

  Make a list of the negative consequences you might have to deal with if you took a risk and actually did fail. Then expose the distortions in your fears, and show how you could cope productively even if you did experience a disappointment.

  The venture that you have been avoiding may involve a financial, personal, or scholastic risk. Remember that even if you do fail, some good can come from it. After all, this is how you learned how to walk. You didn't just jump up from your crib one day and waltz gracefully across the room. You stumbled and fell on your face and got up and tried again.

  At what age are you suddenly expected to know everything and never make any more mistakes? If you can love and respect yourself in failure, worlds of adventure and new experiences will open up before you, and your fears will vanish. An example of a written "Can't Lose" System is shown in Figure 5-10.

  Don't Put the Cart Before the Horse!

  I'll bet you still may not know for sure where motivation comes from. What, in your opinion, comes first—motivation or action?

  If you said motivation, you made an excellent, logical choice. Unfortunately, you're wrong. Motivation does not come first, action does! You have to prime the pump. Then you will begin to get motivated, and the fluids will flow spontaneously.

  Individuals who procrastinate frequently confuse motivation and action. You foolishly wait until you feel in the mood to do something. Since you don't feel like doing it, you automatically put it off.

  Your error is your belief that motivation comes first, and then leads to activation and success. But it is usually the 113

  David D. Burns, M.D.

  Figure 5-10. The "Can't Lose" System. A housewife used this technique to overcome her fear of applying for a part-time job.

  Negative Consequences of

  Positive Thoughts and

  Being Turned Down for a lob

  Coping Strategies

  1. This means I'll never get a job.

  1. Overgeneralization. This is un-

  likely. I can test this by applying

  for a series of other jobs and put-

  ting my best foot forward to see

  what happens..

  2. My husband will look down on 2. Fortune teller error. Ask hint.

  me.

  Maybe he will be sympathetic.

  Point out to him I'm doing my

  3. But what if he's not sympathetic? 3. best and that his rejecting atti-He might say this shows I belong

  tude doesn't help. Tell him that

  in the kitchen and don't have

  I am disappointed, but that I

  what it takes.

  credit myself for trying.

  4. But We're nearly broke. We need

  4. We've survived so fat and haven't

  the money.

  missed a single meal

  5. If I don't get a job, I won't be

  S. I can get some clothes later on.

  able to afford some decent new

  We'll have to learn to get along

  school clothes for the kids.

  with what we have for a while.

  They'll look scraggly.

  Happiness doesn't come from

  clothes but from our self-respect.

  6. A lot of my friends have. jobs.

  6. They're not all employed, and

  They'll see I can't cut the mus-

  even my friends who do have

  tard in the business world.

  jobs can probably remember a

  time when they were out of work.

  They haven't done anything so

  far to indicate they look down

  on me.

  other way around; action must come first, and the motivation comes later on.

  Take this chapter, for example. The first draft of this chapter was overwritten, clumsy, and stale. It was so long and boring that a true procrastinator would never even have the fortitude to read it. The task of revising it seemed to me like trying to go swimming with concrete shoes. When the day I had scheduled for revising it came—I had to push myself to 114

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  sit down and get started. My motivation was about 1 percent, and my urge to avoid the task was 99 percent. What a hide-ous chore!

  After I got involved in the task, I became highly motivated, and the job seems easy now. Writing became fun after all! It works like this:

  First:

  Action

  Second:

  Motivation .4-/

  Third:

  More Actionl

  If you are a procrastinator, you probably aren't aware of this. So you lie around hi bed waiting for inspiration to strike. When someone suggests you do something, you whine,

  "I don't feel like it." Well, who said you were supposed to feel like it? If you wait until you're "hi the mood," you may wait forever!

  The following table will help you review the various active-tion techniques and select what's most helpful to you.

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  Tabl
e S-1. Synopsis of Self-Activation Methods

  Target Symptoms

  Self-Activation Techniques

  Purpose of the Method

  1. You feel disorganized. You have

  1. Daily Activity Schedule

  1. Plan things one hour at a time

  nothing to do. You get lonely and

  and record the amount of mastery

  bored on weekends.

  and pleasure. Virtually any ac-

  tivity will make you feel better

  than lying in bed and will under-

  cut your sense of inadequacy.

  2. You procrastinate because tasks

  2. The Antiprocrastination Sheet

  2. You put your negative predictions

  aseem too difficult and unrewarding.

  to the test.

  3. You feel overwhelmed by the urge

  to do nothing.

  3. Daily Record of Dysfunctional

  3. You expose the illogical thoughts

  Thoughts

  that paralyze you. You learn that

  motivation follows action, not vice

  versa.

  4. You feel there's no point in doing

  4. Pleasure-Predicting Sheet

  4. Schedule activities with the poten-

  anything when you're alone.

  tial for personal growth or satis-

  faction, and predict how rewarding

  they will be. Compare the actual

  satisfaction you experience when

  you are alone and when you are

  with others.

  Table 5-1. Continued.

  5. You give yourself excuses for

  5. But-Rebuttal

  S. You get off your "but" by combat-avoiding things.

  ting your "buts" with realistic rebuttals.

  6. You have the idea that whatever

  6. Self-Endorsement

  6. Write down the self-downing

  you do isn't worth much.

  thoughts and talk back to them.

  Look for distorted thought pat-

  terns, such as "all-or-nothing

  thinking." Make a list of things