When you tremble in terror because someone dislikes you you magnify the wisdom and knowledge that person possesse,, 258
FEELING GOOD
and you have simultaneously sold yourself short as being unable to make sound judgments about yourself. Of course, someone might point out a flaw in your behavior or an error in your thinking. I hope they will because you can learn this way. After all, we're all imperfect, and others have the right to tell us about it from time to time. But are you obliged to make yourself miserable and hate yourself every time someone flies off the handle or puts you down?
The Origin of the Problem. Where did you get this approval addiction in the first place? We can only speculate that the answer may lie in your interactions with people who were important to you when you were a child. You may have had a parent who was unduly critical when you misbehaved, or who was irritable even at times when you weren't doing anything particularly wrong. Your mother may have snapped, "
You're bad for doing that!" or your father may have blurted out, "You're always goofing up. You'll never learn."
As a small child you probably saw your parents as gods.
They taught you how to speak and tie your shoes, and most of what they told you was valid. If Daddy said, "You will be killed if you walk out into traffic," this was literally true. Like most children, you might have assumed that nearly everything your parents said was true. So when you heard "You're no good" and "You'll never learn," you literally believed it and this hurt badly. You were too young to be able to reason, Daddy is exaggerating and overgeneralizing." And you didn't have the emotional maturity to see that Daddy was irritable and tired that day, or perhaps had been drinking and wanted to be left alone. You couldn't determine whether his outburst was his problem or yours. And if you were old enough to suggest he was being unreasonable, your attempts to put things into a sane perspective may have been rapidly deprogrammed and discouraged with a swift smack on the behind.
No wonder you developed the bad habit of automatically looking down on yourself every time someone disapproved of you. It wasn't your fault that you picked up this tendency as a child, and you can't be blamed for growing up with this blind spot. But it is your responsibility as an adult to think the issue through realistically, and to take specific steps to outgrow this particular vulnerability.
259
David D. Burns, M.D.
Just how does this fear of disapproval predispose you to anxiety and depression? John is an unmarried, soft-spoken fifty-two-year-old architect who lives in fear of criticism. He was referred for treatment because of a severe recurring depression, which had not diminished in spite of several years of therapy. One day when he was feeling particularly good about himself, he approached his boss enthusiastically with some new ideas about an important project. The boss snapped, "Later, John. Can't you see I'm busy!" John's self-esteem collapsed instantly. He dragged himself back to his office, drowning in despair and self-hatred, telling himself he was no good. "How could I have been so thoughtless?" he asked himself.
As John shared this episode with me, I asked him the simple and obvious questions, "Who was the one who was acting goofy—you or your boss? Were you actually behaving in an inappropriate manner, or was your boss acting irritable and unpleasant?" After a moment's reflection, he was able to identify the true culprit. The possibility that the boss was acting obnoxiously had not occurred to him because of his automatic habit of blaming himself. He felt relief when he suddenly realized he had absolutely nothing to be ashamed of in how he had acted. His boss, who was aloof, was probably under pressure himself and off the mark that day.
John then raised the question, "Why am I always struggling so hard for approval? Why do I fall apart like this?" He then remembered an event that occurred when he was twelve.
His only sibling, a younger brother, had tragically died after a long bout with leukemia. After the funeral he overheard his mother and grandmother talking in the bedroom. His mother was weeping bitterly and said, "Now I've got nothing to live for." His grandmother responded, "Shush. Johnny is just down the hall! He might hear you!"
As John shared this with me, he began to weep. He had heard these comments, and they meant to him, "This proves I'm not worth much. My brother was the important one. My mother doesn't really love me." He never let on that he had been listening, and through the years he tried to push the memory out of his mind by telling himself, "It really isn't important whether or not she loves me anyway." But he struggled intensely to please his mother with his achievements 260
FEELING GOOD
and his career in a desperate bid to win her approval. In his heart he didn't believe he had any true worth, and perceived himself as inferior and unlovable. He tried to compensate for his missing self-esteem by earning other people's admiration and approval. His life was like a constant effort to inflate a balloon with a hole in it.
After recalling this incident, John was able to see the irrationality of his reaction to the comments he had overheard in the hall. His mother's bitterness, and the emptiness she felt, were a natural part of the grieving process that any parent goes through when a child dies. Her comments had nothing to do with John, but only with her temporary depression and despair.
Putting this memory into a new perspective helped John see how illogical and self-defeating it was to link his worth to the opinions of others. Perhaps you too are beginning to see that your belief in the importance of external approval is highly unrealistic. Ultimately you, and only you, can make yourself consistently happy. No one else can. Now, let's review some simple steps that you can take to put these principles into practice so you can transform your desire for self-esteem and self-respect into an emotional reality.
The Path to Independence and SelfRespect
-
Cost-Benefit Analysis. The first step in overcoming your belief in any of the self-defeating assumptions from the DAS
test is to perform a cost-benefit analysis. Ask yourself, what are the advantages and disadvantages of telling myself that disapproval makes me less worthwhile? After listing all the ways this attitude hurts you and helps you, you will be in a position to make an enlightened decision to develop a health-ier value system.
For example, a thirty-three-year-old married woman named Susan found she was overly involved with church and community activities because she was a responsible and capable worker and was frequently selected for various committees. She felt enormously pleased every time she was chosen for a new job and she feared saying no to any request because that would mean risking someone's disapproval. Because 261
David D. Burns, M.D.
she was terrified about letting people down, she became more and more addicted to the cycle of giving up her own interests and desires in order to please others.
The DAS test and the "Vertical Arrow Technique"
described in the previous chapter revealed one of her silent assumptions to be: "I must always do what people expect me to do." She seemed reluctant to give up this belief, so she performed a cost-benefit analysis (Figure 11-1). Because the disadvantages of her approval addiction greatly outweighed the advantages, she became much more open to changing her personal philosophy. Try this simple technique with regard to one of your self-defeating assumptions about disapproval. It can be an important first step to personal growth.
Rewrite the Assumption. If, based on your cost-benefit analysis, you see that your fear of disapproval hurts you more than it helps, the second step is to rewrite your silent assumption so that it becomes more realistic and more self-enhancing (you can do this with any of the 35 attitudes on the DAS test that represent areas of psychological vulnerability for you). In the above example, Susan decided to revise her belief as follows: "It can be enjoyable to have someone approve of me, but I don't need approval in order to be a worthwhile person or to respect myself. Disapproval can be uncomfortable, but it doesn't mean I'm less of a person."
The Self-Respect Blueprint. As a third step it
might help you to write a brief essay entitled "Why It Is Irrational and Unnecessary to Live in Fear of Disapproval or Criticism."
This can be your personal blueprint for achieving greater self-reliance and autonomy. Prepare a list of all the reasons why disapproval is unpleasant but not fatal. A few have already been mentioned in this chapter, and you might review them before you begin to write. In your essay include only what seems convincing and helpful to you. Make sure you believe each argument you write down so your new sense of independence will be realistic. Don't rationalize! For example, the statement, "If someone disapproves of me, I don't need to get upset because they're really not the kind of pe--son I'd care to have as a friend," won't work because it's a distortion. You are trying to preserve your self-esteem by writing the other person off as no good. Stick with what yo.: know to be the truth.
262
FEELING GOOD
Figure 11-1. The Cost-Benefit Method for EValuating "Silent Assumptions."
ASSUMPTION: "I must always do what people expect me to do."
Advantages of
Disadvantages of
Believing This
Believing This
L If I'm able to meet people's ex- 1. I sometimes compromise and end pectations, I can feel I'm in con-up doing things that are not in
trol. This feels good.
my best interest that I don't
really want to do.
2. When I please people I will feel 2. This assumption keeps me from s e c u r e a n d s a f e . t e s t i n g r e l a t i o n s h i p s — / n e v e r know if I could be accepted just
for me. Thus, I always have to
earn love and the right to be
close to people by doing what
people want me to do. I become
like a slave.
3. I can avoid a lot of guilt and con- 3. It gives people too much power fusion. I don't have to think
over me—they can coerce me
things out, since all I have to do
with the threat of disapproval.
is what others want me to.
4 I don't have to worry about peo- 4. It makes it hard for me to know pie being upset with me or look-what I really want I'm not used
isg down on mo.
to setting priorities for myself
and making independent deci-
sions.
S. I can avoid conflict and I don't 5. When people do disapprove of have to be assertive and speak
me, as is inevitable at times, then
op for myself.
I conclude rye done something
to displease them, and I experi-
ence severe guilt and depression.
This puts my moods under the
control of other people instead
of myself.
6. What other people want me to do
may not always be what's best
for me, since they often have
their own interests at heart. Their
expectations for me may not al-
ways be realistic and valid.
7. I end up seeing other people as
263
David D. Burns, M.D.
Figure 11-1. Continued.
Advantages of
Disadvantages of
Believing This
Believing This
so weak and fragile that they are
dependent on me and would be
hurt and miserable if I let them
down.
8. Because I fear taking risks and
having someone upset with me,
my life becomes static. I don't
feel motivated to change, to grow
or to do things differently so as
to enhance my range of experi-
ences.
As new ideas come to you, add them to your list. Read it over every morning for several weeks. This might be a first step in helping you trim other people's negative opinions and comments about you down to life-size.
Here are a few ideas that have worked well for a lot of people. You might use some of them in your own essay.
1. Remember that when someone reacts negatively to you, it may be his or her irrational thinking that is at the heart of the disapproval.
2. If the criticism is valid, this need not destroy you. You can pinpoint your error and take steps to correct it.
You can learn from your mistakes, and you don't have to be ashamed of them. if you are human, then you
should and must make mistakes at times.
3. If you have goofed up, it does not follow that you are a BORN LOSER. It is impossible to be wrong all the time or even most of the time. Think about the thousands of things you have done right in your life! Furthermore, you can change and grow.
4. Other people cannot judge your worth as a human being, only the validity or merit of specific things you do or say.
5. Everyone will judge you differently no matter how well you do or how badly you might behave. Disapproval
264
FEELING GOOD
cannot spread like wildfire, and one rejection cannot lead to a never-ending series of rejections. So even if worse comes to worst and you do get rejected by someone, you can't end up totally alone.
6. Disapproval and criticism are usually uncomfortable, but the discomfort will pass. Stop moping. Get involved in an activity you've enjoyed in the past even though you feel certain it's absolutely pointless to start.
7. Criticism and disapproval can upset you only to the extent that you "buy into" the accusations being brought against you.
8. Disapproval is rarely permanent. It doesn't follow that your relationship with the person who disapproves of you will necessarily end just because you are being criticized. Arguments are a part of living, and in the majority of cases you can come to a common understanding later on.
9. If you are criticizing someone else, it doesn't make that person totally bad. Why give another individual the power and right to judge you? We're all just human beings, not Supreme Court justices. Don't magnify other people until they are larger than life.
Can you come up with some additional ideas? Think about this topic over the next few days. Jot your ideas down on a piece of paper. Develop your own philosophy about disapproval. You'll be surprised to find how much this can help you change your perspective and enhance your sense of independence.
Verbal Techniques. In addition to learning to think differently about disapproval, it can be a lot of help to learn to behave differently toward individuals who express disapproval.
As a first step, review the assertive methods such as the disarming technique presented in Chapter 6. Now we will discuss some additional approaches to help you build your skills in coping with disapproval.
First of all, if you fear someone's disapproval, have you ever thought of asking the person if he or she, in fact, does look down on you? You might be pleasantly surprised to learn that the disapproval existed only in your head. Although it requires some courage, the payoff can be tremendous.
265
David D. Burns, M.D.
Remember Art, the psychiatrist described in Chapter 6, who was receiving training at the University of Pennsylvania?
Art had no suspicion that a particular patient of his might be suicidal. The patient had no history or symptoms of depression, but felt hopelessly trapped in an intolerable marriage. Art received a call one morning that his patient had been found dead with a bullet hole through his head. Although the suspicion of homicide was raised, the probable cause of death was suicide. Art had never lost a patient in this way. His reaction included sadness, because of his fondness for this particular patient, and anxiety, for fear that his supervisor and peers would disapprove of him and look down on him for his "mistake" and lack of foresight. After discussing the death with his supervisor, he asked frankly, "
Do you feel I have let you down?" His supervisor's response conveyed a sense of warmth and empathy, not rejection. Art w
as relieved when his supervisor told him that he too had experienced a similar disappointment in the past. He emphasized that this was an opportunity for Art to learn to cope with one of the professional hazards of being a psychiatrist.
By discussing the case and refusing to give in to his fear of disapproval, Art learned that he had made an "error"—he had overlooked the fact that a feeling of "hopelessness" can lead to suicide in individuals who are not clinically depressed.
But he also learned that others did not demand perfection of him, and that he wasn't expected to guarantee a successful outcome for any patient.
Suppose it had not turned out so well and his supervisor or peers had condemned him for being thoughtless or incompetent. What then? The worst possible outcome would have been rejection. Let's talk about some strategies for coping with the worst conceivable eventuality.
Rejection Is Never Your Fault! Aside from bodily injury or a destruction of your assets, the greatest pain a person can try to inflict on you is through rejection. This threat is the source of your fear when you are being "put down."
There are several types of rejection. The most common and obvious is called "adolescent rejection," although it is not limited to the adolescent age-group. Suppose you have a ro-mantic interest in someone you are dating or have met, and it turns out you're not his or her cup of tea. Perhaps it's your
266
FEELING GOOD
looks, race, religion, or personality style that are the problem.
Or maybe you are too tall, short, fat, thin, old, young, smart, dull, aggressive, passive, etc. Since you don't fit that person's mental image of an ideal mate closely enough, he or she re-buffs your advances and gives you the cold shoulder.
Is this your fault? Obviously not! The individual is simply turning you down because of subjective preferences and tastes. One person may like apple pie better than cherry pie.
Does this mean that cherry pie is inherently undesirable? Ro-mantic interests are almost infinitely variable. If you are one of those toothpaste-commercial types who is blessed with what our culture defines as "good looks" and an appealing personality, it will be much easier for you to attract potential dates and mates. But you will learn this mutual attraction is a far cry from developing a loving permanent relationship, and even the beautiful and handsome types will have to cope with rejection sometimes. No one can turn on each and every person they meet.
The Feeling Good Handbook Page 29