by Naomi Niles
I would do it, I was determined to, it was just going to take a bit of time, that was all.
Okay, so it certainly wasn’t as easy a skill as I’d first assumed, but that wouldn’t stop me. Plus, having Danielle teaching me was actually really fun. She was kind and patient as she showed me what to do, which gave me an insight into how she would be in the future, in the classroom, and it was obvious that teaching was exactly what she was meant to do. It was as if she was created to be just that, and I hoped that one day her parents would understand that.
“Last night was fun,” Danielle grinned at me, looking up at me under her eyelashes in the way that I always found adorable. “I really enjoyed it!”
After an awesome day of shopping in the city and getting to know San Diego better, we had gone to dinner with Kim and Spike. Spike was actually a really decent guy and our love for sports gave us something in common to talk about – even if we did play totally different things! We ate some good food, drank a little too much, and had a whole lot of fun.
“I know, we’ll have to do that again next time I come,” I insisted happily. I was happy to be welcomed into Danielle’s group of friends in the way that she was mine; it simply confirmed in my mind what I already knew: that we were meant to be. If we could intertwine our lives, that had to mean something, right?
“So, you will be coming again?” I noticed a shyness overcoming her as she asked this question. “I mean, I want you to of course, I just wasn’t sure.”
“Of course,” I replied firmly, taking her hands in mine across the table. Then I stared deeply into her eyes, wanting her to know just how serious I was. “I’ve had the best time with you and I really want to continue doing it. Honestly, I know it’s only been a short while, but I was expecting it to feel a lot harder, a lot more like a chore, but with you, it really doesn’t.” I really meant those words as I spoke them aloud. Even as I agreed to try the long distance thing with Danielle, I hadn't been sure, and even on the flight over, I wondered if things were going to be different, but in all honesty, they just felt more real. I felt like I was falling harder, feeling more, and I couldn’t wait to see what the rest of the future held for us.
“Good,” she smiled coyly. “I mean, I feel the same but I don’t ever want to put you in a position where you feel like you have to keep coming to see me. I don’t want this to ever feel difficult, you know?”
“Well as long as we have a very open communication, I can’t see anything going wrong,” I said diplomatically, wanting to seem like I’d thought about it from every single angle. I had, but I already felt like it was never going to go that way. I was pretty sure that we would make it no matter what. “But I honestly don’t see that happening.”
“So, when are you coming again? Or maybe I could come to you. I don’t mind either way.”
“I think we should make it at least once a month,” I told her. “Even that feels much too long without seeing you, but I want to be realistic too. I feel like if we heap too much pressure on it will start to become too difficult to fit one another in. You have your schoolwork, I have my hockey, we both have busy schedules that we need to accommodate too.”
“Yeah you’re right,” she nodded seriously. “It’s good that you’ve thought this over so well, that makes a whole lot of sense.”
I could tell from her tone that she was becoming sad at the thought of me leaving, and I wasn’t much looking forward to it either, but I didn’t want any of our time together to be about sadness and upset. I didn’t want all of our meetings to become contaminated with anything negative because soon enough it would be too difficult to remember the positive. I wanted it to always be as happy as possible.
We needed to remain happy, to keep upbeat if we were going to get through this in one piece, which meant an instant change of subject.
“Are you finished? Would you like to go for a walk on the beach? I need to soak up some more of the ocean air before I go home.”
*****
We spent the rest of the morning sitting arm in arm on the sand, talking happily about what the rest of our lives were going to be like. Our chat and our plan – however hypothetical it might have been – made me fall even deeper for her. There was a definite love swirling around inside of me, which terrified and excited me in equal measures.
I knew that I’d fallen too hard, too quickly, but this didn’t feel anything like when I had fallen for Hailey: this felt positive from the start, which I felt could only be a good thing. I didn’t feel like this time I was headed towards a guaranteed heartbreak.
The good time was only interrupted because I had to go to the airport to catch my plane, which was the moment that all of the positivity ebbed away from me. If course I was still happy that I’d come, that we’d spent some time together, but this going back home was going to be hard. I couldn’t even stick to my own promise to keep things upbeat, however hard I tried.
“This sucks, doesn’t it?” I told her as we stood by security, ready for me to leave. I decided now was the time to address it, to get all of my feelings out there because as I’d said before, open communication was the key. “I mean, I’ve had an awesome time with you, but this going home bit is going to be hard.”
Tears filled her eyes, and I suddenly felt really awful about it. I wrapped my arms tightly around her, bringing her in closer to me, and as her head rested against my chest, my heart fluttered painfully. I wanted to grab her and to bundle her onto the plane with me to bring her back to Minnesota. Sure, California was awesome, and I didn’t want to interfere with her life, but at the same time, this sucked.
“It won’t be long,” I tried to reassure her. “It won’t be long until we see each other again.”
“I know,” she sobbed lightly into me. “I just don’t want you to go. It’s better when you’re around. Everything just feels…better.”
I kissed her hard, trying to give her a memory to keep her going through the next few weeks, and she kissed me back hard. Love flowed through me, and I found myself wanting to express that aloud, but I couldn’t…not yet. It was still too soon. Sure, we’d been through a whole lot in a short time, but I didn’t want to push things and put her off completely. I didn’t want to move too quickly and to scare her away. I knew that it was quite likely that she felt the same way – it certainly seemed that way when I looked into her eyes – but until we were both ready to express that, I needed to keep it inside.
“I have to go,” I eventually whispered, resting my forehead against hers. “I have to get on that plane now or you’ll never get rid of me.”
“Don’t tempt me,” she joked, laughing weakly and clinging onto me. “I want to keep you here! I want you to stay forever.”
“So do I,” I told her. “But I wouldn’t want to face Coach Jordan after that.”
“I agree,” she nodded. “I mean, I don’t know him, but I imagine that he’s something of a hardass.” She sighed deeply, holding onto my waist for a little while. “I guess this is goodbye then. Make sure to say hi to your mom for me. And Sean, and Ally.”
“I will,” I grinned, deep inside wishing that she was coming back with me. “And I’ll see you again soon, okay?”
We kissed for a little while longer, before I was literally forced to tear myself away, by which moment my heart was being torn from my chest. I hated that second where I had to turn my back and move away from her, but I had to do it because I wasn’t sure if Danielle was strong enough.
This fucking sucks, I thought to myself as I moved through security a little like a zombie. How the fuck am I going to get through it all?
I tried to imagine saying hello and goodbye over and over again for the next few years, and I wondered if it was ever going to get easier. Would I ever be able to get to a place when saying goodbye wouldn’t absolutely kill me? I really wasn’t sure.
As I got into my seat on the plane, the negative thoughts were still spinning through my mind. I was actually starting to wonder if I should give up h
ockey now and to start looking for a coaching job in California somewhere, before realizing that wouldn’t solve anything either. That would be better for my love life, but it wouldn’t be good for my career. I still wanted to do coaching at some point in my life, but I wasn’t ready to give up the game just yet. I didn’t want my time with Danielle to be something that I ended up resenting, which would be the way I’d end up if I made that insane move.
I was just going to have to suck it up and learn that super important skill that I really didn’t have – patience. I needed to remember that it had only been a few weeks and that we had all the time in the world to make rash decisions and crazy gestures. For the time being, all I needed to do was to take it one step at a time. We could do this: we had phones, we had messaging, we had video chatting, we would be able to see one another all the time. It might not be easy, but it wasn’t going to be too difficult either, and if I allowed myself to think about the positives it wouldn’t be too awful after all.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket, grateful that the plane had WiFi, and I sent her a quick message on her social media account.
‘Hi, Danielle, I just wanted to say thank again for an amazing couple of days, I really had a lot of fun. I appreciate you introducing me to your friends and bringing me into your life there, it was great and I cannot wait to do it again. I’m on the plane now, so I’ll give you a call as soon as I land.Looking forward to hearing your voice again. Love you, Miles xxx’
Luckily I re-read it quickly, before I sent the message, allowing me to delete the ‘love you’ part. I didn’t want the first time I said that to her to be over message; it needed to be face to face, it needed to be meaningful, it needed to be perfect.
Epilogue
Danielle – One Week Later
I cannot believe that I’m here again,I thought to myself happily as I unpacked my things. I can’t believe that I’m back in Minnesota.
I was perfectly aware that I was acting crazy, and that I’d made a really bold, mad move, but at the same time I was so happy that it had to be right. I felt like I was flying, floating on cloud nine and I couldn’t wait to get my new life started. I couldn’t wait to see what my future was going to bring.
Of course I was sad to say goodbye to California, and to Kim and Spike, but I knew as soon as Miles left me, that I couldn’t continue to stay there. Everyone else was moving forward with their lives so I knew that it was time for me to do the same thing. Plus, I missed him like crazy and the thought of only seeing one another once a month damn near killed me. It didn’t feel like the right way to start a relationship, and since it was one that I had full confidence in and that I felt like it would last forever, I knew it was the only thing I could do.
I felt like I was throwing all of my eggs into one basket, but that it was the right basket, which would make everything okay in the long run.
It had been scary, to switch my course to one of the best colleges in Minnesota, but it had also been something of an exhilarating feeling. When I weighed the pros and the cons, it made everything all right. Sure, it was an upheaval and I was going to have to get used to a whole new college, different lecturers and other students, but at the same time it would mean that I didn’t have to deal with a new roommate because it was close enough for me to live at home, and it would also save me a lot of money on dorm room rent too.
I was scared to ring my mom and to ask her if she would mind having me back for a while, during the time that I got adjusted to my new life, but luckily she was really happy for me to do so. That chat we had during the time where I managed to convince her that actually teaching was the right course of action for me had been really good for us, which opened up the doors for this to happen.
“Danielle?” My mom appeared at my bedroom door grinning brightly at me. “Are you okay? How did your meeting at the college go today?”
“Really well. I think that I’m going to get on really well there. They do a lot more of placements, which is the one thing I felt like San Diego was missing. I’m keen to get started.”
“That’s so good, sweetie.When you’re settled in a bit, do you want to do something tonight? I was thinking that we could go out for dinner or maybe to watch a movie?” She looked a little uncomfortable as she said that, which made me feel guilty. Much as I appreciated her attempt at reconciliation, and much as I wanted to take her up on her offer, I couldn’t. Not tonight.
I still hadn't told Miles that I was back, and I needed to surprise him.
“Can we do it tomorrow?” I asked a little guiltily. “I have tickets to Miles’s game tonight, so I was going to go and see him.”
“Oh of course!” She agreed, smiling at me. “That’ll be lovely. I’ll see you later then okay?”
I pulled her in for a hug, trying to extend my gratitude to her. “Thank you for having me stay,mom. I really do appreciate it. I know this is all pretty crazy so I am thankful for your support.”
She pulled back to look at me in the face, her eyes shining with emotion. “Now that I know this is really what you want with your life, and that it makes you happy, I’m okay with it. I’m sorry that I haven’t always been supportive, but it won’t happen again. I promise you that.”
She was so sincere that it touched me deeply and almost made me weep. “I know mom, it’s okay. We’re all good now.”
“And…this thing with Miles, is it real?”
I smiled brightly, thinking about him, remembering all of our moments together for a second – the café, the ice skating lesson, the party, California, all of it, and each memory was more perfect than the last. “It is,mom,” I reassured her. “It really, truly is.”
As mom walked from the room, I realized that there was still one person that I hadn't spoken to: my sister. I didn’t like having made such a huge life choice without letting her know. It was going to be a nerve wracking conversation, but I hoped that she would understand.
Ring, ring.
Ring, ring.
“Hey, sis,” she sounded happy as she answered the phone. “How are you?”
“I’m good,” I replied slowly. “I actually have some pretty big news for you.”
“Oh yeah?” she answered, listening intently now. “What’s that?”
“Well, you know this thing I had with Miles? It’s kind of become…much more serious.”
“In what way?” she asked sharply, clearly thinking of Marek and the way he’d treated her. I wanted her to understand that Miles was totally different, but I figured that would come with time. She would have to get to know him, to learn to trust him on her own time – that wasn’t something I could force however much I wanted to.
“In the way that we decided to keep on seeing one another after I went back to college.” She didn’t answer, so I took the initiative and kept on talking. “And then after he came to visit me, I decided to transfer my course to Minnesota.”
“You what?” she gasped in shock. “Are you mad?”
“Maybe,” I giggled, probably sounding a lot like a crazy person. “But honestly, it feels right.”
“Wow.Well, as long as you’re happy.”
“I am,” I insisted. “And you’ll see when you come to visit next. I’m staying at mom and dad’s for a while until I get a bit more on my feet anyway.”
“That’s…wow I don’t know what to say,” she told me, sounding wary. “I guess as long as you’re sure, then things will be okay.”
“Honestly, Cynthia, I have definitely made the right move. I promise you.”
“Well, I’ll be back in a couple of months anyway, so we can talk about it more then.” By this point she sounded a little happier, which made me sigh deeply with relief. At least she was coming around to the idea – that would have to do for now.
“I’ll see you soon,” I smiled as I spoke. “And I love you, sis.”
“I love you too.”
As soon as she hung up the phone, I rushed about getting myself ready for Miles’s game. I wanted to look n
ice, but I was going to have to wrap up warm too. This was still Minnesota in the winter after all! In the end, I chose a simple pair of jeans and a sweater, but I made my face up nicely, and I curled my hair up into ringlets, wanting to look my best.
I glanced at my reflection in the mirror of the bedroom that was now mine much more permanently, while my heart thumped noisily in my chest. This was it, the moment that my real life began and I was so damn excited for it. I couldn’t wait to go and tell Miles what I’d done for him, I couldn’t wait to see how he was going to react, and I was about to find out.
*****
I sat through the game quite far back out in the audience. Since I’d brought my ticket last minute, I had to accept what was left and to be honest, I found myself grateful for that. I didn’t want to surprise him too much by him spotting me while he was playing. I didn’t want to put him off his game. What I wanted was for this reunion to be perfect, not tainted by him missing a goal or something!
After the match had finished, I hung around a little in the stadium, actually wanting him to see me at that point, and although it took him a while before his eyes actually found me, he eventually saw me just as he was about to head into the dressing room.
“Oh my God,” he screamed, instantly rushing towards me. “Danielle! You’re here!”He reached over to me, and pulled me in for a hug, allowing the love to flow through me, before asking me what I was doing. “Why are you here? You didn’t tell me you were coming. How long are you staying for?”
Of course, he instantly assumed that this was going to be another flying visit. I took in a deep shaky breath, and then told him everything. “I’m actually here full time,” I said to his confused face. “I know that this is crazy, and I’m not sure where this is going to take us, but I want it. I want to know where this is taking us, and I’m willing to take the plunge to find out.”
“What are you saying?” he gasped, clearly just wanting to be sure. “What are you telling me right now?”