Halfway Whole and Other Lies We Tell Ourselves
Page 3
But it wasn’t my job to erase it. That’s what A.J. would say. Damn A.J. My biggest mistake in so many ways.
“You can’t sleep either?” Jaylin walked out onto the porch where I was sitting, a book discarded at my side.
“Hey, what are you doing up?” I patted the spot next to me on the bench.
She sat down and slumped down so her legs were stretched out to the length of mine. “Not tired.”
“It’s late. Really late.” I didn’t need to look at my watch to know that.
“I can say the same to you.” She turned my watch so she could see it. “And before you say something about my age again, come up with a better line.”
“You hungry?”
“Mom says I shouldn’t eat late at night.”
“It’s after midnight. Let’s call it morning.”
“I knew there was a reason I loved staying with you.” She jumped up.
I laughed. “Cereal or a sandwich?”
“Ice cream.” Her eyes gleamed under the porch light.
“You had an ice pop for dessert.”
“Yes and as you said this is morning so it’s breakfast. A very early breakfast.”
“Ice cream for midnight breakfast,” I shook my head. “Mom’s going to kill me.”
“Only if she finds out. Besides, she won’t care. She’s just glad we are spending time together.”
“We always spend time together.” I stood and held the door open. Jaylin ran inside, and I followed.
“Not always.” Her eyes were heavy, and I wasn’t sure how much was sadness and how much was fatigue. It had been a rough year on all of us.
“I’m sorry, Jaylin.” I put a hand on her shoulder. “I really am.”
“It’s okay.” She raised her chin. “That’s all the past. This is the present and the future will be bright.”
“Someone has been reading fortune cookies.” I pulled out the chocolate ice cream and started scooping it into bowls.
“Nope. It’s just internal wisdom.” She tapped her forehead. “Chocolate syrup, please.”
I gave in and pulled it out of the fridge. I poured some on hers. “Here you go, but you are going back to bed for a few hours after this.”
“After all this sugar?” She grabbed two spoons from the drawer and handed me one. “Are you kidding me?”
I reached for her bowl
“Kidding.” She held her bowl against her. “I promise I’ll go back to sleep. But same goes to you.”
“I’ll do my best.” I took a bite of ice cream. I normally would have passed on the late night snack, but it was Jaylin’s last night staying with me.
“You need to sleep too,” she said between bites.
“I get plenty of sleep.” I put the carton of ice cream back in the freezer.
“Sure you do.”
“I do. Now stop arguing with me over sleep habits and eat already. Your ice cream is melting.” I ripped off a paper towel from the roll and slid it to her. There was already a small puddle next to where she had leaned at the counter.
“Do realize you are pushing me to consume my ice cream faster?” She took a bite.
“Consume your ice cream faster?” I leaned on my elbows to get to her eye level. “Where do you get these words?”
“Consume isn’t a big word.”
“No, but it’s a specific one.”
“It’s all that homework help you give me.” She rolled her eyes.
“Hey, I can’t help it that I don’t live at home. I’m twenty-six. It would be pretty sad if I did.”
“You saw her didn’t you?” She took a big scoop of ice cream. Some sauce dribbled down her chin and she wiped it with her hand.
“Who? Brooke? I already told you that.”
“No. A.J. You saw A.J.” She pointed at me with her spoon.
“What makes you say that?” There was no point trying to pull one over on her. Jaylin always figured things out.
“You are up eating ice cream with me after midnight.”
“True. You got me there.” I could say what I wanted, but I was stressed.
“I meant to ask you when we had ice cream the other night, since when have you started buying plain chocolate ice cream?” She dug her spoon into what was left of the second scoop. “I thought that was a boring flavor.”
“Since I knew you’d be coming.”
“I should visit more often.”
“You should. But you also have to go to school and have a life.”
“School.” She groaned, “Did you have to bring that up?”
“Aren’t you excited about starting back up?”
“Excited?” She sighed. “Are you so far removed from being a kid that you think I’d be excited?”
“I know the work isn’t fun, but your friends? Aren’t you at least looking forward to seeing them?”
“Sure, kind of.”
“Kind of?” I’d spent the week hanging out with my kid sister, but evidently I hadn’t asked the right questions.
She polished off her ice cream. “It’s always weird after you haven’t seen everyone. You know?”
“I know. But it will be okay.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I survived fifth grade. So can you.”
“I guess so.” She yawned. “See, I told you this ice cream wouldn’t keep me up.”
“Go brush your teeth again before you turn in.”
“Ok, now you are pushing your luck.” She put her bowl down beside the sink.
“Yes, yes I am.”
“Goodnight.” She skipped out of the room.
I dumped out the half eaten ice cream from my bowl, washed the bowls out and headed back out onto the front porch. There was a slight breeze from out on the lake. One of the many reasons I loved where I lived.
I glanced next door. There was a light on. I wondered if Brooke was up or if she slept with her light on. Not that it was any of my business. Still, I wondered.
Jaylin was right. Seeing A.J. had completely thrown me off. Especially seeing her when I was with Brooke. Those two didn’t need to meet. At least not this soon.
I heard the bark, but at first I thought I might be imagining it. Then it grew louder and louder.
The front door of cabin six swung open and Brooke—dressed in a cami and shorts—walked out onto her porch. “Ugh. Maple. Please make this quick.”
I tried to hold in my laugh. I loved how she actually talked to the dog as if expecting an answer.
She took the stairs down onto the grassy area between our cabins, almost losing her flip-flop in the process.
If I didn’t say something soon she’d notice and think I was out here watching her. “Hey, fancy seeing you here.”
She startled and looked up and over where I stood. “Oh. Hi.”
“Need some help? I don’t mind walking her.” I hurried down my steps.
“Oh. I can do it. Still waking up.”
So she slept with her light on. Interesting. “Do you have a flashlight?”
“No.” She shook her head. “But I don’t plan to go far. The moon is pretty bright tonight.”
Maple tugged on her leash.
“I’m not so sure your friend there got that memo,” I gestured to the excited dog.
Brooke laughed. It was such a pretty laugh. Light, sweet even. “No. It doesn’t look like she did.”
“And you got the joke. I'm making progress with you already.” I looked down at my bare feet. I probably should have grabbed shoes before offering to walk the dog.
“That was an obvious one. It doesn’t count.”
“Everything counts.”
“Yeah, I guess so.” She wrapped the leash around her hand, making it shorter.
“Give me a sec. I’ll grab a flashlight.” And shoes. I ran inside, hoping she would indeed wait. I returned with one of my many LED flashlights and shoes on. “Two offers. You can borrow the flashlight or you can borrow the flashlight and a flashlight holder.”
“And you made a joke.” I turned on the flashlight, but pointed it away from us. “Wow. This is getting better and better.”
She started walking down toward the lake. “Did Maple wake you up?”
“No. I was up.” I wordlessly took the leash from her and handed over the flashlight. Brooke looked exhausted, and Maple looked anything but.
“You always a night owl?” She pointed the flashlight slightly down and in front of us.
“A night owl. An early bird. Same difference.”
“Yeah, I don’t sleep a lot either.”
“A lifelong affliction or something to do with that little secret you don’t want me to know about?” I’d told her to keep her secrets, but I wanted to know. I wanted to know everything about her.
“Both.”
“Seems we have something in common.”
“Thanks.” She gestured to the leash. “I appreciate it.”
“No problem. I'm more awake than you right now.”
“Haven’t gone to bed yet, or woke up?” There was such an easy pace to our conversation.
It should have been odd that we were virtually strangers and walking together in the middle of the night, but it felt normal, comfortable even. I hoped she felt the same way. “Haven’t gone to bed.”
“I remember the years when being up this late was normal.”
“Remember those years? How long ago was your youth, old lady? Now tell me.”
She laughed again. “Still, it feels like a lifetime ago.” She stared down at her hands. “Not that you can be too far from those years either.”
“If you are fishing for my age, I’m twenty-six. Much older than you I'm sure.”
“Twenty-five. But who’s counting?”
“Not me.” I let Maple stop in the brush. Despite the hour, I wasn’t in a rush to get back. Plus, I didn’t want to go too far away from the cabin while Jaylin was sleeping. I knew how far her voice could carry, so we were good for a little ways more before we needed to turn around.
Brooke looked down. “Oh. Wow. I can’t believe I'm out walking in my pajamas.”
“They don’t look like pajamas.” They looked really good is what they did. “It’s a tank top and shorts.”
“They are tank top and shorts pajamas. And I know that.”
“And now I know too, but don’t worry, I won’t tell.”
“Thanks for the discretion.” She glanced over, but it was too dark to see her expression.
“But may I ask one thing in return?” I tugged gently on Maple’s leash to get her moving.
“You can ask; doesn’t mean I’ll agree.”
“Very smart girl. Can’t tell you how often people don’t use that caveat.”
“You ask lots of favors of people?” her voice was light and relaxed.
“No. But I read a lot of books. Watch a lot of TV.”
She laughed again. The sound warmed me. It was like the more I heard it the more I needed to hear it. “Ok. What is it?”
“Answer one question. How is it a girl like you is up here? Alone?”
“A girl like me?” She put a hand to her chest.
“Yes. Like you.”
“I don’t know what that means.” She moved the flashlight around, as if scoping out the area.
“It means you’re beautiful.” Maybe it was too forward, but it was close to two a.m. and my head was so full of different thoughts and feelings I couldn’t quite deal with.
“Oh. Uh, thanks. But what does attractiveness have to do with whether one wants to be alone?”
“So you want to be alone?”
“I need some time off the grid.”
“And you think Forest Lake is off the grid? We do have electricity.”
“It’s off the grid for me. Plus, I took out my sim card. I’m going cell phone free. The only people who know I’m here are my parents, one friend, and my brother.”
“Ok, I’d consider that being off the grid.” And it was pretty extreme. There absolutely had to be a story behind that.
“And no I don’t want to talk about why.”
“I didn’t even ask.” Even though I certainly wanted to know.
“I know. Just cutting off the possibility that you would ask.”
“Preemptive. Right.”
Brooke yawned.
“I think Maple’s gotten a nice walk in.” I turned around. “Ready to head back?”
“Absolutely. Let’s hope she sleeps the rest of the night.”
“Agreed.” I liked how she said let’s. Including me on it. “Otherwise, we might have to do a night share kind of thing.”
“I don’t think that would be fair to Jaylin.”
“She’s heading back to my Mom’s tomorrow.”
“Oh.” She sounded disappointed. I couldn’t help wonder why. Did she like kids? Did she want someone else around other than me?
“School starts back up on Monday.”
“It’s cool that you have her come stay with you.”
“She’s a pretty cool kid.”
“Seems it.” Brooke did another scope around with the flashlight before letting the beam return to guiding the area directly in front of us.
“You mentioned a brother?”
“Yes. He’s older by a few years.” She took careful steps as we moved through a rocky area.
“What did he think of you going off the grid as you put it?”
“He thought I was being a bit dramatic, but he got it. I think.”
“And your parents?” I was being nosy, but we were out together in the middle of the night. It seemed like the perfect time to be nosy.
“My mom was really worried. She thinks I’m giving up on the world.”
“But you’re not.” I tried not to make it sound too much like a question.
“No. I’m recharging.”
“Recharging by getting off the grid.” I thought about it. “Interesting principal.”
“I probably sound pathetic.” The path widened and she moved a little ways away from me.
“No. Refreshing. Not pathetic.” Maple tugged, making me speed up.
“So you don’t get lots of me’s around here?” She matched our new pace.
“Lot’s of yous?” There was no one else like her. At least none that I’d met. “No. Not at all.”
“Good. I don’t want to be a cliché.”
She couldn’t be a cliché if she tried.
We reached the cabins.
She held out her hand for Maple’s leash. “Well, thanks again.”
I passed the leash over to her. “I hope Maple lets you get some sleep.”
“I hope you get some sleep.”
“I will do my best.” Which was essentially what I’d told Jaylin.
“See you around.” She gave a small wave before heading inside.
I stood there in the darkness long after she’d disappeared. This was bad. Really bad. Brooke had officially gotten under my skin.
Five
Brooke
I’d told him too much. The whole point of going off the grid was to spend time focusing inward. To step away from life. Yet I was slowly spilling my whole life story to Logan. If I wasn’t careful I’d end up telling him everything, and then once again I’d be somewhere where everyone was looking at me with pity, and like I was pathetic. Despite how awful I felt about my life at the moment, I didn’t want anyone else thinking those things about me.
I slipped into bed. Maple whined until I helped her up onto it. She may have been fairly small, but if she was going to want to sleep on the bed, she’d have to learn to jump.
This was the point when I normally would have picked up my phone and tortured myself with social media. But I couldn’t do that. No phone for six months. No exceptions. I’d made one final call to my parents to let them know I was safe before taking out the sim card and packing the phone away. Instead, I picked up the
stationary my mom had given me before I left. It was cream with purple flowers and matching envelopes. She’d even pre-stamped them and addressed them like she did when I used to go away to camp. I grabbed an envelope that was addressed to my friend Cassidy. I promised her I’d write. I didn’t break promises.
* * *
Dear Cassidy,
* * *
It’s me. I made it up to the lake and I’m settling in. And contrary to your prediction, I didn’t relapse and grab my phone. I am going to do this. I am going phone free. I figure you of all people would understand. Sometimes you have to get away from it all. I really hope this works.
* * *
How’s Leo? How’s Naomi? Things going okay for you guys? I’m sure they are. I have a dog. A cute dog I named Maple. From what my neighbor told me, the renters before me left her when they heard I was coming up alone. At least that’s the story I’ve heard. And although I wasn’t sure what to think at first, I’m warming up to her.
* * *
I set the letter aside. I was also warming up to someone else. He was just next door and I wondered if he was now asleep. And what he wore to sleep. I pushed that thought away. Totally couldn’t go there, especially when his little sister was staying with him. I also wasn’t going to mention him to Cassidy. She’d be all over it.
* * *
The lake is beautiful, and I’m looking forward to getting out to explore some more tomorrow.
* * *
Write back if you can find a stamp.
* * *
Love,
Brooke
* * *
I stuffed it into the envelope and set it aside. “Thanks, Mom.” I didn’t always tell her how much I appreciated what she did for me, but sometimes it was the little things that meant the most.
* * *
I grabbed one of the envelopes addressed to her and a fresh piece of stationary.
* * *