Halfway Whole and Other Lies We Tell Ourselves

by Alyssa Rose Ivy

  Dear Mom,

  * * *

  I feel like I’m back at camp. Writing letters. No phone. Beautiful lake. I say that as a good thing. I did always love those summers away. Not that I wanted to get away from you. But you get it. Anyway. Thanks for addressing these for me. Thanks for everything. I know you think I’m absolutely crazy for doing this, but I needed to do it. Hopefully by the time I leave in February I’ll know where I want to go and what I want to do.

  * * *

  Love,

  Brooke

  * * *

  I stuffed that one in an envelope before I could add anything else. Anything too sappy. Maple moved up on the bed and snuggled next to me. I took that as a sign. I set aside the stationary and turned off the bedside lamp. I’d made the first step. I was at the lake. The next step was living it.

  * * *

  It felt as if I’d just closed my eyes when Maple was jumping around and barking again.

  I groaned. This was the part about having a dog I could have done without. I dragged myself out of bed. The sun was shining in through the blinds, but that didn’t mean I was ready to get up.

  “You are going to have to wait for me to get dressed before we go out, but I’ll get you breakfast.” I filled one bowl with food and the other with water before I returned to the bedroom to pull on shorts and a tank top. Truthfully, it didn’t look all that different from my pajamas, but it felt different which was the whole point.

  Maple was still eating when I walked back out into the main living area, so I took the time to braid my hair down the side. It was my go-to style when I didn’t have the time or desire to do anything more.

  There was a knock at the door. Before I could answer it pulled open. Maple abandoned her bowl and ran over just as Jaylin walked in.

  “Hey.” I tried to pull the dog back.

  “No. Let her be.” Jaylin wrapped her arms around Maple’s neck. “I like her.”

  “Good morning. How are you?” Normally someone walking into my home without knocking would have annoyed me— even a kid— but somehow it didn’t bother me at all this time. It was actually quite welcome.

  “Good morning.” She let go of Maple. “I was wondering what your breakfast plans were.”

  “My breakfast plans? I have none. I need to go find that market.” I remembered what Logan had called the store.

  “Well, Logan said he’d take me out to breakfast since it’s my last morning with him, and it’s right by the market in town. So come with us.”

  “Oh. I couldn’t. But thank you.”

  “Why not?” She knelt down beside Maple again. Maple rewarded her with a big wet kiss. She seemed quite happy with it.

  “Because it’s your last breakfast with your brother.”

  “For a few weeks. Don’t act like one of us is moving to Alaska or something.”

  “But I don’t want to impose.” Family time was important.

  “It’s not imposing when someone invites you,” Logan’s voice came from the porch. He poked his head in. “Hey, sorry. I couldn’t stop her in time.”

  “Are you sure? I really don’t want to intrude.” My stomach grumbled.

  “It’s not intruding. We’d love your company. Not Maple though. Maybe when you two are more used to each other.”

  “I figured as much. I need to take her out.”

  “I’ll do it.” Jaylin pulled the leash down and attached it to Maple’s collar. “Don’t worry. I’m good with dogs.” She ran down the steps.

  “Don’t leave this side of the lake!” Logan called after her.

  “You sure she’s ok with Maple?” I peered out on the porch.

  “Yes. But we can follow her if you want.” Logan held the door open.

  I stepped out onto the porch. “We are doing this so much it’s starting to become a habit.”

  “Not all habits are bad.” He followed me down the steps.

  “No, they are not.” But I didn’t want to get into that. “Did you get any sleep last night?”

  “Some. You?” He looked over at me.

  “Same.”

  “Maple behave herself? I didn’t hear her barking, but I realize that doesn’t necessarily mean she slept.”

  “She did. And she’s quite the cuddler.”

  “Good. Makes getting used to a new bed easier.”

  An unreadable expression crossed his face. “I bet.”

  And there I went making things awkward again. “So. Where are you guys planning to go for breakfast?”

  “You mean where are we all going to breakfast?” Logan arched an eyebrow. “You aren’t already changing your mind, are you?”

  “I feel bad. It’s your last breakfast—”

  “Ok. Now we are really going in circles. We want your company. Ok? I know you came up here to get off the grid or whatever it is you are saying you are doing, but that doesn’t mean you have to avoid all human contact.”

  “No. It’s more of a digital thing. Well, and many of the people from my life.”

  “And we’ll get to that part later. First things first. Let’s catch up with Jaylin so we can get some breakfast.”

  “Sounds good to me.”

  * * *

  “Get the pancakes. You have to get the pancakes.” Jaylin reached over and tapped on the far side of my menu. “The banana ones are best. But Logan likes to mess his up by adding walnuts in with the banana. He can’t be the only crazy one since those have the star next to them.”

  “Banana and walnut are a great combination.”

  “Whatever. Just try the pancakes. That’s the important part.”

  “Brooke doesn’t have to get pancakes.” Logan set his menu down. “She might not even like pancakes.”

  “There are people who don’t like pancakes?” Jaylin sucked in a deep breath then let it out in a huff. “Yes. You are right. A.J. hates pancakes. And french toast and waffles. Pretty much any sort of breakfast you put syrup on.”

  “So you know A.J. well?” I tried to ask carefully and to sound as casual about it as possible.

  Jaylin groaned, “Yes. Thanks to Logan.”

  “Jaylin,” Logan frowned. “Please.”

  I regretted my question. I didn’t mean to cause any issue between them.

  “What? It’s true. It’s not like I’d have ever known her any other way.”

  “She a good friend of yours?” I knew she was something to him. The question was whether it was the past or not.

  “She was his girlfriend.” Jaylin made a face. “For way too long.”

  “Oh.” I wasn’t sure what to say. He seemed so nice and she was so mean, but then again, first impressions are often wrong.

  “She wasn’t always the way she is. Well, maybe she was, and I didn’t see it.” Logan picked his menu up again, but didn’t look at it.

  “I know all about that. No need to explain it to me.”

  “I take it that has to do with your secret?”

  “Secret?” Jaylin leaned over toward me. “Brooke has a secret?”

  Thankfully I was saved from having to answer that when the waitress walked over.

  “Why it’s the Long siblings.” The waitress, who was probably around fifty with perfectly done makeup smiled at them before turning her attention to me. “And I don’t believe we’ve met.”

  “This is Brooke,” Jaylin jumped in. “She’s renting the cabin next to Logan’s.”

  “Oh. Hello Brooke. I’m Diane. I hope you are enjoying your stay in Forest Lake so far.”

  “I am, thanks.” People were really friendly here. I wondered if it was real friendly or fake—let’s keep the tourist dollar—friendly. In the end it didn’t really matter.

  “Coffee?” She held out a pot.

  “Yes, please.”

  “I know you want some, Logan.” She filled my cup and then Logan’s. “I’d love to chat more, but we’ve got a crowd right now.

  “I’ll have the banana pancakes.” Jaylin grinned. “Logan is I’m sure going to
have banana and walnut pancakes.” She turned to me, “And what about you, Brooke?”

  “Banana walnut pancakes, please.”

  “I’ll get that order in right away.” Diana took our menus and headed through a door behind the counter in the rear of the restaurant.

  “You guys ordered the same thing.” Jaylin looked between us.

  “Because we have good taste.” I folded my hands on the table.

  “Yeah if you take the nuts out.” Jaylin made a disgusted face.

  “What did nuts ever do to you?” Then I thought of something. “Wait. You aren’t allergic are you?”

  “No,” Logan quickly assured me. “And she eats nuts in baked goods and candy.”

  “But not in pancakes. Why ruin a good thing?” Jaylin leaned forward on an elbow.

  “You are really passionate about this.”

  “I am. But being passionate is good, isn’t it?”

  “Depends what you are passionate about I suppose.” I wrapped my hands around the steaming white cup of coffee.

  “Is there a bad kind of passionate?”

  “There’s a bad kind of everything.” I took a tentative sip of the coffee. “Not to sound like a downer. Just saying.”

  “You are very honest.” Jaylin took a sip of her ice water. “I like it.”

  “I try to be.”

  “Unless she’s keeping secrets.” Logan caught my eye.

  “Aren’t you the one who said we are all entitled to our secrets?”

  “Yes. And we are.” He took a slow sip of coffee. “But I wanted to participate in this conversation and give you a hard time.”

  “Logan loves giving people a hard time,” Jaylin pointed her thumb in his direction.

  “Does he now?”

  Jaylin leaned in close, “Yes, especially when he likes them.”

  Logan didn’t move to correct her, so I assumed that meant she meant like in the platonic sort of way.

  “Ok. Good information to know.”

  “What about you?” Logan sipped his coffee and turned his body slightly toward me. “Do you like to give people a hard time?”

  “Sometimes.”

  “Sometimes. A half answer.” Logan shook his head, “Figures.”

  “Remember, I’m all about the half answers.”

  Thankfully Diana brought over our food. Talk about fast service. The pancakes were hot and fresh from the griddle. The butter melted on, and the syrup seeped in as soon as I poured it, exactly the way I liked it. I took a bite. They really were good with the perfect amount of crunch from the nuts. “These are really good pancakes.”

  “What did I tell you?” Jaylin poured a ton of syrup on her pancakes. I held in a laugh when I saw Logan’s pained expression. I figured he was torn between scolding her and letting her do what she wanted on her last day with him.

  * * *

  “If it isn’t the Long siblings.” An older woman with a wide brimmed sun hat walked inside.

  Evidently everyone knew them as the Long siblings in this place.

  “Hello, Mrs. Donaldson,” Logan stood.

  “Please. Please. Sit down.” She removed her hat. “I didn’t want to disturb you. I only wanted to say hello.” Her eyes turned to me. “Logan, who is your new friend?”

  “This is Brooke.” Jaylin set down her syrup covered fork. “And she’s my friend, too. She’s renting the cabin next to Logan’s for six months.”

  “How nice.” Mrs. Donaldson held out her hand, “I’m Gladys. So nice to meet you. Welcome to Forest Lake.”

  “Thank you.” I stood.

  “Oh please. Stop with all the standing.” She wove her hand.

  “Would you like to join us?” Logan asked.

  She shook her head. “Oh no. I’m going to pick up my to-go order. The shop can’t run itself you know.”

  “What shop do you run?” Normally I wouldn’t have asked her like that. I would have waited and asked Logan when she left, but I wanted to know, so I asked.

  “The gift shop at the museum.”

  “Oh. I didn’t even know there was a museum.”

  “Well then, you’ll have to come by and check it out. It gives you a whole history of the town.”

  “I will.” It’s not like I had all that much else planned.

  “Great. I will keep my eye out for you.” She gave a warm smile. “I am glad you decided to check out our small town, and you’re in good hands,” she winked at Logan. “Enjoy your breakfast.”

  I took my seat again. “She seemed nice.”

  “Most people in town are nice. You’ll see.” Logan returned to his pancakes.

  “You met the mean one already,” Jaylin said between bites.

  “Jaylin,” Logan sighed. “No more A.J. talk. Ok?”

  “Ok. Can we talk about something exciting?” She reached for the syrup again and poured some more on her plate.

  “Sure.” Logan picked up the syrup and placed it on the far reaches of the table. “Exciting things are always good topics of conversation.”

  “This year my mom and I have the perfect idea for the Fall Fair baking competition. This is our year. We’re going to win.”

  “Fall Fair?” I hadn’t heard about that yet.

  “You’ll have to be there whether you want to be or not.” Jaylin cut into a sausage link.

  “Oh?”

  “What she means is it’s right at the lake. The fireworks are right outside our cabins,” Logan explained.

  “Fireworks? So it’s like the 4th of July?”

  “You can have fireworks anytime.” Jaylin got up, grabbed the syrup, and returned to her seat where she proceeded to pour more on her pancakes.

  “Easy there, kiddo. It looks like you are having syrup with a side of pancakes.”

  “You say that as if it’s a bad thing. It’s not a bad thing.” She took a big bite.

  “At least you use your knife now.”

  “Hey, stop insulting me and tell Brooke more about the Fair so I can finish eating.”

  “You heard the lady,” I grinned.

  “Lady?” Jaylin’s eyes grew wide. “You think I'm a lady.”

  “Absolutely,” I nodded.

  “See, I knew I liked you.” Jaylin scooted her chair closer to me.

  “The feeling is mutual.”

  Six

  Logan

  Twenty minutes later I had explained the major highlights of the Fall Fair, and paid the bill despite Brooke’s reluctance to let me. Somehow letting me cover her seven dollar pancakes was a huge deal for her. The only way she relented to put her wallet away was when I agreed she could pay next time. I was fine with that only because it meant she was planning on there being a next time. Sometime during our late night walk I had fully given up on trying to keep Brooke at bay. Or rather, I had given up on keeping myself away from her.

  Jaylin and I went off to check out the candy store to give Brooke space at the market. I only gave in to the candy because otherwise Jaylin never would have left Brooke’s side. I didn’t entirely blame her.

  “Brooke is a keeper,” Jaylin said as she sucked on her lollipop.

  “A keeper?” I put my wallet into my back pocket as we headed outside. It was a beautiful blue sky morning.

  “Yeah the kind we should keep around.” Jaylin headed toward a pair of benches.

  “And you are making this determination after less than 24 hours of knowing her?”

  “Well, we have had two meals with her in that time span, we’ve seen her with the dog she just met, plus she obviously likes me, what else is there to know?” She sat down in the middle of one of the benches.

  I laughed, “Jaylin, don’t let life jade you. Please promise me you’ll stay the same.”

  “I’m going to have to change. It’s called growing up. Ever heard of it?

  “You know exactly what I mean.” I sat down beside her.

  “I do. And I won’t as long as you stay with me.

  “You know I’m always gonna be around.
” I looked right at her. “I promise.”

  “You can’t promise that. So don’t promise that.” She looked off into the distance.

  “Jaylin, I’m not Dad.”

  “I never said you were. I wasn’t talking about that.” She focused on her lollipop.

  “Oh yeah? That comment had nothing at all to do with Dad?”

  “Ok maybe.” She pulled her lollipop out of her mouth.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” I knew I might be opening a can of worms, but she was refusing to talk to anyone, and eventually she was going to have to.

  “Why would I wanna talk about it?”

  “I’m just asking.” I couldn’t force her to talk, but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t try.

  “Do you think Brooke is done at the store yet?” Jaylin deftly changed the subject. She’d learned that skill early. “Normally I’ll tell you to call and find out, but she said she doesn’t have a phone which is really brave of her. I mean who voluntarily gives up a cell phone?”

  “Well, it's probably a good thing if it was done for the right reasons.” And it was brave. Maybe more extreme than necessary, but that didn’t take away from it being brave.

  “What reason do you think it is? Jaylin bit into her candy.

  I winced, that couldn’t be good for her teeth. “That’s her business.”

  “But you think you know.”

  “Don’t try to grow up so quick.” I stood up, “Ready to head over to the market?”

  “Sure.” Jayin rose to her feet. “I don’t want to leave her waiting.”

  We made the short walk back over.

  “So I heard she’s with you already!” Troy, a neighbor of my mother’s, stopped us just outside the market.

  “Who?” I asked.

  “Oh come off it. Logan,” Troy playfully punched my shoulder.

  “Brooke isn’t with Logan yet.” Jaylin took another bite of her lollipop.

  “Yet,” Troy laughed. “Jaylin you got your old man's humor.”

  Jaylin’s expression darkened. “I’m going to find Brooke.” She ran inside.

  “Oh, I’m such an idiot.” Troy hit himself in the forehead.