Any Given Lifetime

by Leta Blake

  He closed his eyes as images rushed through his mind.

  Neil’s eyes rolling up as he’d ridden Joshua’s cock. Lee wiping grease from his hands and smiling when Joshua walked into the back of the shop. Neil hooked up to life support, blood caked in his hair, and the light gone out of his eyes. Neil standing barefoot by the door of his apartment, watching Joshua go. Lee smiling and splashing water at him in the Stouder creek, Lee’s scars winding over his arm and body. Neil’s eyes gazing at him with amazed adoration.

  Joshua curled up on the bed. Covering himself with a blanket and clutching a pillow, he tried to wait out the tumble of emotions. There was no one to talk to. No one to call. How could he ever explain? He needed Lee now. Lee would understand.

  Joshua started to cry. He gave himself some time to grieve and marvel, and had only just gotten himself together again, deciding that a shower had become a necessity, when his phone alerted him that Neil was calling. His stomach flip-flopped, and he hesitated, a sudden surge of worry rushing through him, followed immediately by a tidal wave of excitement and joy.

  “Hey,” Joshua answered.

  “Where are you?” Neil asked.

  “At my hotel.”

  “Are you…are we…? Yeah, here’s the deal—I need to come see you.”

  “Miss me already?”

  “Yes.”

  Joshua smiled at Neil’s gruff, frank response. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “What are you talking about? You already went somewhere. I’ve done my work. Which hotel? I can take a car and be there in less than an hour.”

  Joshua stretched and told Neil the name of the hotel. He sniffed his armpits, and said, “I need to shower.”

  “Okay. I’ll be there in twenty. Which room?”

  “312.”

  “Right. Don’t go anywhere.”

  “Just the shower,” Joshua said, a rush of adrenaline pulsing through him.

  “Whatever. I like you dirty. Or clean. Just…be there.”

  “Neil, I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” Joshua grinned, amazed by the certainty that filled him from the inside. “I want to be with you.” It suddenly occurred to Joshua that was true no matter what—even if it turned out they were both delusional.

  “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

  Joshua could tell by the ambient noises behind Neil’s voice that he was outside, moving quickly.

  “Then come see it,” Joshua said. “Did you call a car?”

  “Yeah, before I called you. It’ll be here any second.”

  “Then I really have to shower.” Joshua struggled to find the words to end the call.

  “Okay,” Neil said. “I’ll be there.”

  The call disconnected, and Joshua felt the drop like a physical thing in his gut. He groaned as he got up from the bed, every muscle in his body sore from the physical exertion of the last twenty-four hours. He touched the water with his hand before stepping under the stream.

  He scrubbed himself quickly, every nerve ending in his body alive and straining for Neil. It was almost as if Joshua could feel Neil’s approach, and with every second he felt more and more lit up from the inside. He started to hum as he washed. When he turned off the water to grab a towel, he decided that if this was insanity, he didn’t want to be sane.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  November 2032—Atlanta, Georgia

  Neil lay across Joshua’s chest, feeling the thunder of Joshua’s heartbeat under his hands. He greedily watched as Joshua gathered his composure. They were both sweaty and smeared with come again. Joshua’s eyes drooped; he was completely wiped out. It was a cute look on him, and Neil smirked in amusement.

  “I hope you get old fast,” Joshua panted. “Or you’re going to kill me.”

  “You’re keeping up pretty well. For an old guy.”

  Joshua huffed but grinned, and Neil felt like he’d won something better than the Nobel Prize just for getting to see that smile aimed at him again.

  It had been a week since the madness had started, and they’d been out of each other’s company for no more than ten minutes at a time. Neil was surprised to find that he was just as needy and clingy as Joshua—if not more so, because despite how weird everything was, Joshua seemed committed to accepting it and moving forward into a new reality with Neil.

  “I was looking at houses,” Joshua said. “There’s one not far from the university. Four bedrooms. Two baths. A spacious kitchen. Lots of light.”

  “What would we need four bedrooms for? Variety?”

  Joshua said, “One for your office, one for mine, because your mess is too much to deal with. How you can be such a neat freak everywhere else but in your office, I don’t know, but I need my own space.”

  Neil had offered to move to Scottsville, but Joshua had dismissed the idea immediately. “No,” Joshua had said. “You’ve got your work here, and I’ve got good employees at the lumberyard. It can practically run on its own. Scottsville is my home, but it’s got lots of memories attached to it—good ones and bad. I want a fresh start. Just you and me together.”

  Neil hadn’t argued. He’d considered it, but the idea of trying to go to Scottsville, not just for visits or family weddings, but to live in the shadow of the years Joshua had belonged to Lee, didn’t appeal. Neil felt grateful and glad that Joshua seemed able to let all of that go.

  “And that extra room?” Neil braced himself, visions of nurseries dancing in his head. It was a little soon to be planning for that in Neil’s opinion. They’d only just found each other again.

  “A guest room,” Joshua said. “For when my family comes to visit.”

  “Oh,” Neil said. He didn’t know if he was relieved or even more horrified. A baby would’ve been too much to even consider right now, but Joshua’s family was very real, and from what he remembered, very conservative.

  “What?” Joshua looked worried. “Why do you sound that way? I thought you wanted to live together? Are we rushing it? We can slow down.” Joshua sounded like slowing down was the last thing he wanted. “I mean, this house I saw is great—perfect—but there will be other houses.”

  Neil rolled his eyes. “Get the house. And slowing down isn’t an option. I’ve waited twenty years for you. Get a house, get a dog—definitely get a dog—just don’t go anywhere.”

  “In any other circumstance, statements like that would seem pretty controlling,” Joshua said.

  “Yeah, well, we’re unique.”

  “You can say that again.”

  Neil rested his forehead on Joshua’s chest, rubbing his nose into Joshua’s chest hair, smelling him and kissing his nipples softly.

  “So,” Joshua said, shoving him off. “Don’t you even want to look at the place first?”

  Neil shrugged. “Sure. The extra room will be nice for my mom, too. If she wants to stay the night at Christmas or something. She’d probably like that.”

  Joshua’s eyes sparkled, and Neil cleared his throat, suddenly nervous. He’d talked to his mother every day since she’d advised him to call Joshua and go to him at the hotel immediately. “Don’t miss your chance at this, Neil,” she’d implored. But he still hadn’t introduced her to the man himself. It felt too much like letting the streams collide. It was simultaneously too real and too unreal.

  “I want to meet her, Neil,” Joshua said. “Today.”

  Neil rubbed a hand over his face. “Were you always this bossy?”

  “No.”

  “Huh. I guess you’ve matured.”

  “And you’ve immatured,” Joshua said, tweaking Neil’s side.

  Neil laughed.

  “What’s up? Are you afraid she won’t like me or something?”

  “She’ll love you,” Neil said vehemently. “And that’ll be the problem. She’ll call you up and talk to you on the phone, and ask you if I ate my vegetables, and if I’m taking vitamins, and if I’ve smiled enough lately.”

  Joshua’s eyebrows went up.

  “Trust me,” Neil sai
d. “She will.”

  “She called Derek,” Joshua said knowingly.

  “She still does.” Neil sighed. “She says he’s got a boy he’s seeing already, which is great. He’s needed a real boyfriend. He’s basically a sex maniac, and without me, well… He was probably hard up the last few days, and I just hope he didn’t choose an idiot.”

  Joshua’s mouth hung open a little. “He’s a sex maniac?”

  Neil shot Joshua a look and said, “Yes.”

  “You’re not going to distract me,” Joshua said after a moment’s hesitation. “I want to meet your mother. And I want to meet her today.”

  Neil sighed. He was trapped. There was no way he was going to get out of it. If Joshua couldn’t be distracted by his lingering jealousy of Derek, then he wasn’t going to be distracted at all.

  Unless….

  Neil started to kiss his way down Joshua’s body, heading for his cock, when Joshua shoved him away. “Ugh. No. Enough sex.”

  Joshua climbed out of bed, calling over his shoulder, “I’m going to shower. You arrange something with your mother.”

  Alice sat by the window of the diner with the menu clenched tightly in her hands. She wasn’t hungry at all. She was far too excited and nervous to think about food.

  She glanced down at the picture of Neil’s usual order—veggie burger, fries, onion rings, and a strawberry milkshake. He’d ordered the same thing every time they came since he was five years old, and he’d been able to stuff in the entire meal since he was twelve. She put down the menu and pressed her fingers to her lips.

  She felt strangely like everything was coming to an end. Like this was goodbye. Neil had his life back—the one he’d been born searching for, and Alice suddenly realized that she didn’t know how she would fit in now.

  Alice opened her purse and got out a mirror, double-checking her face. She wanted to look her best, and she definitely didn’t want to embarrass Neil. She analyzed the small wrinkles around her eyes and the deeper ones around her mouth.

  She was looking so much older lately. Neil had insisted that she stop working so much, but she hated taking his money. Of course, he wouldn’t take no for an answer and had started wiring it directly to her bank account.

  She put on a little more lip-gloss and sighed. Neil had tried for years to convince her to use nanite creams to reduce the effects of aging, telling her she needed to stay hot for when he was finally out of her life and she could move on, find a man, and make a ‘real kid.’ Reasoning that did nothing but make her angry with Neil for continually making himself out to be a burden on her instead of the most important thing in her life.

  But when her vanity had won out, and she’d finally given in, they’d run the requisite tests to make sure her vascular system could handle it, only to find she hadn’t been a candidate anyway. She’d told Neil that it was a good thing she’d refused him all of those years, because the last thing he needed was to blame himself for her death, and she knew that’s what he would’ve done.

  Alice closed her eyes and lifted up a small prayer.

  When she opened them again, she glanced out the window and saw the most amazing thing: Neil walking next to Joshua Stouder. She’d know the man anywhere after years of seeing photos and videos of him. Neil’s hand was on Joshua’s lower back, guiding him toward the restaurant. For his part, Joshua had his hands stuffed into his jean pockets, and his head was tipped down. Though his eyes were on the sidewalk, a bashful sort of smile dimpled his cheeks.

  Alice bit down on her lower lip, a surge of bittersweet joy clenching in her chest.

  Joshua said something, and Neil’s face broke into a quick, lightning-bright smile that didn’t disappear right away. Instead, it lingered as a soft curve of his lips. Neil turned his head toward Joshua, who looked back with a shy expression. Then Joshua bumped Neil’s shoulder.

  They stopped walking. Neil’s hand came up to Joshua’s cheek, and Joshua, despite being taller and older, somehow seemed younger than Neil, looking at him through his lashes with an uncertain expression. Neil leaned forward and kissed him, full on the mouth, and Joshua kissed him back, pulling away with a grin so bright that Alice felt its reflection on her own face.

  Neil gestured toward the restaurant door, and Joshua’s expression flashed apprehensive for a moment, but he nodded, and they turned to enter.

  Alice cleared her throat, twisted her napkin in her lap, and then stood up, tossing the napkin on the table. She didn’t know what to do with her body as Neil and Joshua approached.

  Neil’s eyes were intense as he gazed at her, full of so much that Alice understood immediately: This is him. He’s everything.

  “Mom, this is Joshua.” Neil stood protective and proud, like he was presenting the greatest thing he’d ever accomplished to her.

  Alice had never seen him so at home in himself. He was relaxed in his skin, and she suddenly saw the man he would become, and could easily imagine the body he’d grow into over the next few years of his life.

  “Mrs. Green,” Joshua said, putting out his hand.

  Alice took it immediately and squeezed it. He was beautiful. And looked years younger than her, despite being forty-three to her forty-one. His eyes were a gentle brown that looked at her with respect and hope, and she smiled at him, saying, “Alice, please, Mr. Stouder.”

  “Then you have to call me Joshua,” he said.

  “Of course, Joshua.” She shook her head in amazement. “I can’t believe it. He’s talked about you since he was just a baby.”

  Neil grimaced. “And the embarrassing childhood stories begin. Can’t we sit down and get the food ordered before we start on tales of my diaper years?”

  Joshua smiled and put his hand on Neil’s shoulder, shaking him lightly, which didn’t take much effort since Neil was still too thin by Alice’s estimation.

  “Ah, come on, Neil, just because you’re like a grumpy old man doesn’t mean you weren’t cute once.”

  “What are you talking about? I’m cute now.” Neil huffed, pulling out a chair. “Sit. I’m starving.”

  Joshua grinned and looked like he might kiss Neil immediately, but instead sat down in the chair Neil had pulled out for him. Alice retook her seat, grabbing Neil’s hand when he started snapping his fingers in frustration at a waiter.

  “Behave,” she said.

  Joshua’s eyes twinkled like he was fighting off a laugh as he turned to the menu.

  Neil grabbed it from his hand, saying, “The veggie hamburger is the only safe option. Or the grilled cheese. I’m telling you this because if you take half as long to choose your food as you did last night, I’ll keel over dead. Then we’ll be in a real mess, since I’ll probably be reincarnated somewhere in Japan and have to go through being a kid all over again, and you’ll be really old by that time. Not to mention, I’d really stick out like a sore thumb over there with this hair and complexion.”

  Joshua’s eyebrows were up near his hairline. He rolled his lips in, obviously trying not to laugh.

  “He rants when he’s hungry,” Alice said.

  Joshua grinned. “Or when he’s nervous, or angry.”

  “Oh, come on, for the love of—” Neil said, when the waiter stopped two tables over and whipped out a digital order pad. “They got here after us.”

  Alice sighed heavily and said, “Neil, stop. Joshua is going to think I raised you like this.”

  Joshua wrinkled his nose and said, “Nah, he was always like this.”

  Alice brought her hand to her chest. Joshua understood, and he accepted, and he believed. Which, yes, Neil had already told her on the phone, but it was something else entirely to see it in his eyes and to know that it was true. What was even more shocking, though, was how she suddenly felt like she wasn’t so alone. The world opened up a little bigger with Joshua here.

  “I can only imagine how much waiter-spit he’s ingested in the last two lifetimes,” Joshua said, making a face at Neil who rolled his eyes at him.

  A differe
nt waiter, not the one who Neil had annoyed, appeared and asked for their order. Neil got his usual, and Joshua requested the grilled cheese. Alice ordered a salad with dressing on the side while Neil frowned at her.

  “Mom, I have two words for you.”

  Joshua looked at Neil, and another grin broke over his face.

  In a weird way, Alice felt like crying again. It was clear that Joshua thought her son was adorable. She almost couldn’t believe it.

  Neil went on, “Salmonella. Poisoning. But if you want to puke your guts out for hours later today, go right ahead. No one’s stopping you.”

  “Thanks for your permission, honey,” Alice said.

  Joshua snorted, and Neil’s arm came up to rest on the back of Joshua’s chair. He relaxed again now that food was ordered. Alice smiled softly as Joshua leaned toward Neil, like some unseen force was pulling him. They weren’t leaning against each other really, just angled in such a way that they seemed a unit, an already solid thing. Between them there was a palpable, almost visible tug of rightness. Alice thought if she put her hand out and into the small space between them, she’d be able to feel it—love, attraction, warmth, need, protection, and everything all at once.

  “Well,” she said, shifting her napkin a little in her lap. “So…where to begin?”

  “How ’bout this,” Joshua said, leaning forward in a conspiratorial way. “In exchange for you giving me good blackmail material on Neil here, I’ll tell you about the Neil I knew, and some stuff about myself, too.”

  Neil sat back and looked around the room, his eyes straying back to Joshua occasionally, but he seemed unperturbed by Joshua’s suggested conversational topics.

  Alice nodded. “You go first.”

  Neil flashed a grin at her. “That’s my girl, Mom. Put him on the spot.”

  Joshua shrugged. “What do you want to hear about first?”

  Alice took a sip of her water. “What about your family? And…your husband? I was sorry to hear about that, by the way. I’m sure that was hard.”