Any Given Lifetime

by Leta Blake

  “I’m sure she loves you.”

  Neil shrugged and was surprised when Joshua reached out and took hold of his hand where it rested on the table. Neil relaxed a little, letting his lips turn up at the edges. “She does. Surprisingly. I sometimes even think she likes me.”

  “Of course she likes you, Neil. She’s your mother.”

  “But I’m not her son,” Neil said seriously, voicing a thought he’d never shared before. “I’ve always been me, Joshua. And she had no part in who I am. I don’t look like her. I don’t think like her. There’s nothing in me that she influenced.”

  “That’s not true. You don’t live with someone for twenty years and not take in some of who they are,” Joshua said. “I’m different because of Lee. I’m stronger, and more peaceful. I know I’m worthy of being loved—and of being loved really well.”

  Neil’s stomach twisted. He wanted that for Joshua, and he could see that it was true. Yet he’d wanted to be the man who taught him that. Instead, the job had fallen to someone else.

  “Good,” Neil said, keeping it simple, thinking that Alice would be proud of the control he was exerting over his mouth.

  “So, she taught you something.”

  “How to make the best of a sorry situation,” Neil said.

  Joshua let out a puff of annoyed breath.

  “If you’re expecting rainbows and puppy dogs from me, you’ll be disappointed,” Neil said. “My mom ate Ramen Noodles to send me to a private school for bratty geniuses and never got the thanks she deserved. Being my mom didn’t pay dividends. Not in happiness and not in affection from me. I do my best, but it’s not something I’m good at.”

  Joshua narrowed his eyes. “You seem plenty good at it to me.”

  “That’s sex, Joshua. It’s different.”

  Joshua rolled his eyes and sighed.

  “I don’t hug and kiss on her. She’s a physically affectionate woman, and she never got what she needed from me. I’m hoping she’ll meet a man. She deserves that kind of happiness.”

  “I remember physical affection from you,” Joshua said, looking uncomfortable. “From the you before.”

  Neil shrugged. “I can’t help touching you. You’re some kind of magnet for everything weak in me.”

  Joshua covered his face and took deep breaths. “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.”

  “If you freak out, I’m going to freak out,” Neil said, his voice going high and choppy.

  “I think we can both freak out. I think that’s okay. I think we’re allowed.”

  “Okay. You go first.”

  Joshua looked up at that and started to laugh, a delirious, crazed sound.

  “What?”

  “Is that how it works? We take turns?”

  “I think so. I mean, you’d know better than I would. You did that relationship thing for a long time. I’ve screwed my roommate for two years, and had some regular fuck buddies in my prior life that I might have passed off as relationships but really weren’t, so I think you probably have a leg up on me here. But I’m a fast learner, and I don’t think you’ll find it a problem. This is sink or swim, and I’ll swim. I’ll swim the Atlantic Ocean if that’s what it takes. The Pacific! And you can count on that.”

  “You are so freaking out,” Joshua said, his laughter still hiccupping in a panicky way in his throat.

  “I am. Yes.”

  “I think I should get to go first. You’ve had twenty years to get used to the idea that you’re reincarnated. I’ve had a few weeks if we count the time when I just thought you might be my Neil.”

  “Okay, then. Have at it.”

  They stared at each other over the table, and Neil’s heart thudded in his chest waiting for something big. And then Joshua picked up his sandwich and started eating.

  “What?” Neil asked.

  “You go first. It’s kind of entertaining.”

  Neil blinked, shook out his hands, rotated his shoulders, and turned back to his own sandwich. “I’m too hungry now. Maybe later.”

  Joshua nodded, grinning with a crinkle in his nose. “Yeah, maybe later.”

  Neil felt a warmth in his chest, a rush of unfurling love that shook him deeply, and he reached out to grab Joshua’s hand. And they sat and the table and ate like that, fingers entwined.

  Morning light peeked through the blinds in the window of Neil’s room. Joshua rubbed his hand up and down Neil’s sweaty back, feeling the knobs of his spine, and the sweet dip where his tailbone led down into the crack of his ass. He fingered Neil’s hole gently, pressing inside, and then pulling out to rub the pad of his finger against the puckered edge, and then pushed back in again.

  “Mmph,” Neil said into his pillow.

  Joshua murmured some kind of nonsense in response, in a daze from multiple rounds of sex. He didn’t know the last time he’d been this fucked out. Probably the early years of his relationship with Lee. No, not even then. They hadn’t had the stamina.

  Joshua kissed Neil’s freckled shoulder and gazed at the chestnut hair that curled with sweat at the nape of Neil’s long neck. He wanted to bite along the side of it, lick into Neil’s ear, and push his cock in again, but he just couldn’t get his body to agree with him. His dick was limp and still twitching against his thigh.

  Joshua jumped when the door to the bedroom jerked open. Derek barged in clutching a bag of takeout from the OK Café. Shock broke over his face as he took in the scene.

  Neil yelped and rolled over fast, knocking Joshua off of him. He was surprisingly strong for being so wiry. Standing up, naked as the day is long, he barked, “What the hell?”

  Derek’s eyes flew between Neil’s nakedness and Joshua under the covers, and then he dropped the bag on the carpet and shut the door.

  Neil rubbed a hand over his face and cursed under his breath.

  “Is he upset?” Joshua asked, getting out of bed and finding his underwear. Though it was a rhetorical question. Obviously Derek was upset.

  “Hell if I know,” Neil said, though he obviously knew, too.

  As Joshua dressed, he watched Neil process the situation. For once, Joshua felt a weird disconnect. Whenever Joshua looked at Neil, all of Neil’s knowledge and experience over the last two lifetimes seemed to overlie his features, making Joshua see him as much older than his body claimed. But at that moment, naked and worried, he looked every bit of twenty.

  Joshua pressed a pair of underwear and some black jeans into Neil’s arms. “I know he’s not your boyfriend, but you had something going on with him. I’m sure he feels hurt.”

  Neil cursed again softly and shook head, like he was trying to change or deny the situation with that movement alone.

  “You should talk to him,” Joshua said. “And I should probably go back to my hotel.”

  He’d checked in the day before after his plane landed, and he’d left his bags in the room, but he hadn’t made it back. He probably had messages waiting for him on his phone, and work issues to deal with, too. He definitely needed clean clothes.

  Neil dropped the clothes on the bed, and hauled Joshua in close. He jolted at the sight of pure fear in Neil’s eyes. “Don’t go. Don’t leave me.”

  “Hey, it’s okay,” Joshua soothed. “I’m just trying to….”

  Just trying to what? He didn’t know. He was covered in come and he was unbelievably exhausted, physically sated, but he was still hungry for more of Neil. He was also terrified that this was some kind of dream, or something more sinister than that. Yet he also knew that if this was real life, then there were things to be handled—phone calls he and Neil needed to make, people who relied on them to make decisions, sign paperwork, and help them do their jobs. Some kind of sanity had to be patched together out of this madness. And the outside world was already intruding on them now. It couldn’t wait.

  “You’re going.” Neil’s skin went so pale that freckles Joshua didn’t realize he had stood out.

  Joshua covered his face with his hands. He needed to get his head
around this.

  Neil pulled Joshua’s hands away, ducking to get a look at Joshua’s face.

  Joshua smiled softly, putting on his ‘big boy’ pants, and doing the right thing. “I’m just going to my hotel.” He put his hands on Neil’s shoulders, gazed into his eyes, and went on. “You’re going to talk to Derek. And then you’re going to make the calls you need to make.”

  Neil swallowed and nodded.

  Joshua kissed his mouth, pulled back. He ran his hand through Neil’s soft, curly hair again. He was afraid to leave, too. But he supposed he had to test it. He had to rip the Band-Aid off. They had responsibilities, and they couldn’t stay in Neil’s bed forever.

  “All right?”

  Neil nodded again, before glancing toward the door. They could hear loud, aggressive music coming from Derek’s room.

  “I never led him on,” Neil said.

  “I’m sure you didn’t,” Joshua said. “You’ve always been honorable. Even before.”

  Neil’s eyes went up to the ceiling like he was trying hard not to freak out, and then he nodded and stepped back from Joshua. “All right. We’ll do this your way.”

  “You think?”

  Neil nodded again. “Yep. You’ve got more experience at it than I do, so okay. You can be in charge of this part of…this.”

  Joshua watched as Neil pulled on his pair of black jeans and grabbed a clean, black T-shirt from his drawer. They should shower. He knew they should. But if they did, then Joshua had no doubt they wouldn’t make it away from each other. He had to leave now if he was going to go. Neil seemed to understand.

  Music blared from Derek’s room as Neil walked Joshua to the door. They lingered there for a minute, and Joshua stroked his fingers down Neil’s determined face. It struck him as ridiculously cute that Neil had to steel himself almost as much as Joshua did for this, and yet seeing that made him go deeply and suddenly calm, too.

  Neil put his hand on Joshua’s cheek, too. “If I don’t see you again, I’ll understand. You shouldn’t worry about me. I love you.”

  Joshua didn’t know why his reaction to that miserable statement was to laugh softly, but he did. He pressed his cheek into Neil’s hand and cupped Neil’s neck with his own. “Neil, you’re ridiculous.”

  Neil’s lips curved a little.

  Joshua kissed him, and Neil held onto Joshua’s face, a hint of desperation in his grip. Joshua understood. He couldn’t believe he was going to walk out the door. He took another look at Neil. “Do what you have to do, because if this is going to work, we have to face reality. And I want it to work, Neil.”

  Neil touched his cheek again, and then Joshua stepped out into the unseasonably warm Atlanta mid-morning. He looked back twice. Neil lingered in his open doorway, barefoot and looking incredibly young, watching him go.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  The shower was hot, and Neil leaned into the stream. He didn’t know how to process what he was feeling emotionally, so he concentrated on his body. His ass was sore, his arms ached from the positions he’d held himself in to fuck Joshua, and his legs trembled in exhaustion. He thought they’d probably slept for less than two hours the night before, so lost in each other’s bodies and in making sure it was really real.

  Neil had never felt anything like the sex they’d had, the love they’d made. He knew that’s what Joshua would call it. Hell, he knew that’s what it was. It was an intense, wholly emotional experience that had blown his mind. He’d enjoyed fucking Derek. They’d had really good sex. But with Joshua, it was like all inhibitions broke away entirely, and he wanted to be in him, over him, and around him all at once. He’d never known desire like that before.

  The thump-thump of Derek’s music rattled the bathroom wall, and Neil rinsed the suds of shampoo from his hair and scratched a soapy hand over the dried come on his stomach and stuck in his pubic hair. He hesitated before washing it away, a sense of loss descending on him. Aside from the messed-up bed, the plates in the kitchen sink, and the possibly hurt feelings of his roommate, he’d just watched the evidence of the most important thing in his life go rushing down the drain.

  “Get a grip,” he muttered to himself. But when he closed his eyes, he saw Joshua’s smile. As he shut off the shower and toweled dry, he had to talk himself out of getting a car to take him to Joshua’s hotel.

  And that was when he’d remembered that he didn’t know where Joshua was staying. His heart hammered wildly. What if Joshua didn’t return? What would he do then?

  He’d follow him back to Scottsville, that’s what.

  The song from Derek’s room changed tempo and speed. The new music was a melancholy, slow piece sung by a drugged-up-sounding man. Neil pulled on fresh clothes, ran a comb through his wet hair, and noticed in the mirror for the first time the dark, red hickey that Joshua had left on his neck, and he touched it. A stupid smile turned up his lips. Joshua would be back. He’d said as much. Neil believed him.

  Neil sat down at his desk and made the necessary arrangements for the project. He notified Peters and the graduate students that he’d be out for a few days for personal reasons and outlined how to proceed in his absence. And then he called in a favor with a fellow grad student named Eric Johns to get a sub for the next week of classes for him.

  He had to concede that Alice had been right. She’d suggested that he help Eric out with his classes the prior spring when he’d been laid low with mono. The extra money Neil earned—all of which went to pay off the final debt that Alice had owed the private high school Neil had attended—was the deciding factor, but now Neil made a note of how handy it was for Eric to owe him. With one fast text, Neil was able to give over the reins of his professor’s classes without any worry.

  When another sad song started from the bedroom next door, Neil sighed. He couldn’t escape it any longer. Joshua had specifically directed him to talk to Derek, and later Joshua would want to know how it had gone. Assuming Neil was right to believe in him, and he didn’t freak out and board the next plane to Nashville. Neil shook that thought away. It was something he couldn’t contemplate or he’d freak out and start searching every hotel in Atlanta.

  Neil knocked on Derek’s door. He didn’t wait for Derek to open up, though, twisting the knob and walking in.

  Derek was stretched out on his bed. His eyes looked a little red, but he was reading something on his touchpad and otherwise looked okay. He looked up at Neil in surprise.

  Neil waved toward the door. “See how I did that? It’s called knocking.” Neil sat down in the chair opposite the bed. Normally, he’d have crashed down next to Derek, and the sex would have started immediately. But that was never going to happen again.

  “Yeah, sorry.” Derek brushed his long hair out of his face. “I didn’t think he’d still be here when I got back. I figured he’d be gone, and you’d be in there moping. I thought I was gonna have to cheer you up.” His mouth quirked up and his lips quivered. “Funny, huh?”

  “No. It was smart. The best, most logical conclusion. What actually happened was unexpected.”

  “Is he gone?”

  Neil nodded.

  “Oh. Wow.” Derek sat up, put aside his pad, and wrapped his arms around his knees. “So. Was it….” Derek shrugged. “I mean, is he gone-gone? Or just gone? Are you okay?”

  Neil looked up at the ceiling. ‘Okay’ was something he didn’t think accurately described the place where he found himself. He didn’t know a word that did. “He’s gone to his hotel. He said he’d come back.”

  Though Neil wasn’t sure Joshua had said that at all. He’d said he wanted to make it work. Whatever that meant.

  “So, you told him?” Derek peered at him intently. “And what? He just said, ‘Okay’ and dropped trou?”

  “No.” Neil didn’t want to talk about it. It was raw, personal, important—the most important thing that had ever happened to him.

  “But he knows?”

  Neil nodded.

  “And he’s not going anywhere,
is he?” Derek said. “I mean, he’s really accepted that you’re…him? And he’s going to be with you? Be part of your life?”

  “I hope so,” Neil said. It was a massive understatement.

  “Right. Wow. So I guess there isn’t one last fuck in this for me?”

  Neil pursed his lips and shook his head.

  Derek smiled and shrugged. “Oh well. Bound to have ended one day.”

  Relief swept through Neil. Maybe he and Derek could still be friends.

  Derek glanced shyly up through his lashes. “I have a question, though?”

  Neil waited, his knee jittering up and down, a horrible rush of missing-Joshua replacing the blood in his veins.

  Derek went on, “Can I keep your mom? I mean, as my friend.”

  “This isn’t a breakup. We aren’t dividing our things. We just aren’t screwing anymore. We’re still friends. I mean—aren’t we?”

  “Of course.” Derek shrugged. “Right. Well, cool. I’m happy for you.” Derek stood up, arms wide. Neil leaned away as Derek hugged him, and then, with relief, Neil submitted to it.

  Derek laughed. “Damn, man. Who would’ve thought? Way to prove us all wrong, Neil. And, hey, I’m really happy for you. I am. Truly.” Derek pulled away, kissed Neil’s forehead with a sticky pop, and then said, “You’d better tell your mom. She’ll be pissed if she hears it from me.”

  “Then keep your mouth shut.”

  Derek dropped down on the bed, picked up his pad again, and said, “Yeah, you know me. That’s not gonna happen.”

  Neil stared at Derek until he was sure the conversation was over, and then he went back to his own room, thrilled by the rumpled, sex-messed sheets on his bed. He dropped down into them, smelling Joshua all over.

  He finally made the call, clinging to the pillow that smelled of Joshua’s shampoo and skin. “Hey, Mom,” he said, when she answered. “He’s here. Or he was. I think…I think I’m going to freak out now.”

  At the hotel, Joshua stripped out of his clothes. He sat down on the bed. He looked down at himself and at the clumps of dried come in his chest hair, and he started to shake.