Room on the Porch Swing

by Amy Clipston

  “If we do break up, it won’t be because of you.” She wiped away a tear trickling down her cheek. “I think our problems go deeper than just the fact that I work here.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’ve changed since Mamm died, and I don’t think he understands me anymore. He doesn’t understand I’ve had to take on more responsibilities at home, and I need more than youth groups and singings. Now he doesn’t comprehend why I’m so close to Mollie and why I love her so much.” Her voice quavered. “He keeps reminding me I’m not Mollie’s mamm, but I never said I was. I just care about her so deeply because she’s all I have left of Savilla.” She paused. “No, it’s more than that. I love her for herself.”

  He took a trembling breath as both grief and gratitude rose inside of him. “I know,” he whispered.

  “I keep wondering if Rudy is right about my relationship with Mollie. Maybe I’m wrong to be so attached to her.” She tilted her head as her eyes seemed to search his. “Do you think I’ve overstepped my bounds with Mollie?”

  “No.” He shook his head. “But maybe I’ve overstepped my bounds with you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Maybe I’ve become too dependent on you.”

  Her gazed locked with his, and his heart thudded as she stared into his eyes. An overwhelming attraction surrounded him. He felt the urge to hold her hand and pull her to him for a hug. Where had this sudden and deep affection come from? And how could he allow himself to feel this way about her after losing Savilla less than a year ago?

  Mollie cried out, and Laura popped up from the bench. “I need to go get her. After she’s settled I’ll start on lunch.”

  Before he could respond, she was gone.

  Allen rubbed his hand down his face and beard. His gaze moved to the sewing table, where the gray shirt sat awaiting Laura’s diligent hands to finish mending it. Laura took such good care of him and Mollie. She was their caregiver, their guardian angel.

  Her emotional words about Mollie echoed through his mind.

  I just care about her so deeply because she’s all I have left of Savilla.

  Sorrow coursed through him, squeezing his heart and tightening his throat. He missed Savilla so much that his bones ached for her. Perhaps his feelings for Laura were only misdirected grief for Savilla.

  But if that were true, why were the emotions so strong, so overwhelming, so deep?

  Dismissing the thoughts, he stood. He had to get hold of himself and rein in his confused emotions. Laura was his friend, and she would never be more than a friend. Any intense affection for her was dangerous, and, most of all, it was sinful.

  As he approached Mollie’s bedroom door, he silently vowed to reject any affection for Laura. He couldn’t risk her reputation or her chances for a renewed relationship with Rudy. He needed to focus on being her friend, and only her friend.

  TWENTY-FOUR

  “Laura! You’re home!” Cindy exclaimed as Laura set her tote bag on a kitchen chair later that evening.

  “Ya.” Laura joined her at the sink and began drying the dishes in the drainboard.

  “Why are you home tonight?” Cindy stopped scrubbing a pot and turned toward her.

  “Allen doesn’t need me overnight anymore because Mollie doesn’t wake up at night anymore.” It wasn’t exactly a fib since Mollie had slept through the night for weeks now. Still, she was too embarrassed to share the details of Allen’s visit with the bishop. “Now I can help you with more chores.” She scanned the kitchen. “I can mop after the dishes are done tonight, or—”

  “I mopped this afternoon.” Cindy faced her. “Is everything all right?”

  “Oh, ya.” Laura stacked dishes in the cabinet. “How was your day?”

  “It was gut.” Cindy swiveled back to the sink and returned to scrubbing the pot. “I did a little sewing after chores.” Her eyes brightened. “Oh, Kayla’s parents, Nathan, Eva, and Junior all came for supper last night. It was so gut to see them.”

  Guilt settled heavily on Laura’s chest as she imagined Cindy cleaning the house and then cooking for all those guests. Laura should be helping her sister with the chores at the farm. But at the same time, Allen and Mollie also needed her. Why did she feel so torn between her family and the Lambert family?

  “Laura?”

  “Huh?” She spun toward her sister, who was studying her. “I’m sorry. What did you say?”

  Cindy rested her hand on her small hip. “Was iss letz?”

  “Nothing is wrong. I’m fine.” Laura swallowed. How could she possibly admit to her sister that the bishop had come to Allen’s house to let him know community members were gossiping about her relationship with him?

  The storm door opened and clicked shut, and after a few moments Mark entered the kitchen.

  “Sis!” He crossed the kitchen. “What are you doing home? Isn’t it only Wednesday?”

  “Ya, it is.” Laura leaned against the counter. “Allen doesn’t need me overnight anymore.”

  “That’s gut news.” He sat down in a kitchen chair. “I guess that means Mollie is sleeping better?”

  “Ya, she is. Allen is going to pay his driver to pick me up in the mornings and bring me home at suppertime now.”

  “That’s great.” Mark smiled.

  “What’s been going on around here all week?”

  “Hmm.” Mark rubbed his chin. “I’m not sure anything really interesting is going on. Can you think of anything, Cindy?”

  Cindy shrugged and then set the pot on the drainboard. Laura picked it up and began drying it.

  Mark snapped his fingers. “Florence Esh and her sohn and dochder are coming for supper tomorrow night.”

  “Who?” Laura faced her twin.

  “You know. Dat’s new freind.”

  Laura froze. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” She turned to Cindy. “Who’s Florence?”

  “His freind.” Cindy frowned, her posture rigid. “He met her at the library, and they’ve been talking for a couple of weeks.”

  “I don’t understand.” Laura looked over at her twin again. “His freind?”

  “You know.” Mark gestured. “She’s like his girlfriend.”

  Laura opened her mouth to gasp, but air was trapped in her lungs.

  “I’m sure I told you,” Mark continued. “They’ve met for lunch a couple of times, and then he had supper at her haus on Monday. She’s coming tomorrow night so we can all meet her and two of her kinner.”

  “No one told me about this.” Laura growled the words at him. “Why didn’t you tell me?” She divided a look between Mark and Cindy.

  Cindy cleared her throat and then shook her head. “I’m going to go take a shower.” Then she walked out of the kitchen. After a moment, her footsteps echoed in the stairwell.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” Laura repeated, gritting her teeth.

  “I thought I did.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry. You’re not around much.”

  With her mind rocking unsteadily between irritation and guilt, she turned back to the drainboard. “You’re right. I haven’t been around much. I’m sorry.” She picked up a handful of utensils and began drying them. Then she dropped them into the utensil drawer.

  “What’s going on with you, Laura?”

  “Nothing.” She kept working, but she knew she was caught.

  He walked over and leaned on the end of the counter. “Once again, you know you can’t lie to me, right?”

  “I’m not lying.” She kept her eyes focused on her task to avoid his stare.

  “Look, if there’s something you need to discuss, you can always trust—”

  “Laura! What a pleasant surprise!” Dat’s voice filled the kitchen.

  Laura blew out a sigh of relief. “Hi, Dat.” She dropped the last of the utensils into the draw and then spun toward her father and Jamie.

  “What are you doing home tonight?” Jamie asked as he sat down at the table.

  “Allen doesn’
t need my help overnight anymore.” She hung the dish towels on the oven handle.

  “I’m glad to hear it.” Dat’s smile was as bright as she’d ever seen it.

  Suspicion crept into her mind. Was he that happy because he’d met someone? Her stomach soured. Did this mean Dat was going to get married? Why didn’t he tell her he had a girlfriend? Why didn’t anyone tell her Dat was even dating?

  Anger and betrayal nearly overcame her. But did she have any right to feel betrayed when she’d put Allen and Mollie’s needs before her family’s for months now?

  Dat sank into the chair across from Jamie. “So what’s on your agenda for tomorrow, Jamie?”

  “I was thinking about painting my porch railings.” Jamie cupped his hand over his mouth to stifle a yawn. “That is, if I have the energy.”

  Dat grinned. “I think you should go home and get some sleep.”

  Laura retrieved her tote bag from the chair. “I’m going to go unpack. Gut nacht.”

  “Gut nacht,” Dat and Jamie responded in unison.

  She glanced back at Mark and found he was still staring at her. Then she hurried up the stairs to her bedroom, where she began to unpack her clothes while trying to comprehend how her father could move on with his life without her mother.

  “You can’t hide your feelings from me.”

  Laura’s chest tightened as she faced the window, her twin’s image reflected in the panes as he leaned on the doorframe. She turned toward him. “Maybe I just don’t want to talk.”

  “Why would anyone not want to talk to me?” He smirked as he entered her room and sat down on the corner of her bed. “You know the maed at our youth group can’t resist me.”

  She rolled her eyes. “I know you a lot better than they do. I’ve known you since before we were born.”

  His grin dissolved. “Talk to me, sis. I can’t stand it when you’re hurting.” He touched his chest.

  Her lower lip trembled at his tenderness. “I’m just so confused.”

  “About what?”

  “Everything.” She sank onto the chair across from the bed. “Dat is dating. How can he possibly move on when the rest of us are still lost without Mamm?”

  Mark sighed. “I think it’s more complicated than that. He’s lonely. Florence is a widow, so they can relate to each other in a way we don’t really understand.”

  “Is Cindy having a hard time with it?”

  Mark nodded. “She is, but we’ll help her through it.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” She sniffed and wiped at her eyes.

  “I’m sorry. I honestly thought I did.” He pressed his lips together in a thin line. “Can you forgive me?”

  “Ya.” She nodded.

  “What else is bothering you?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You were upset before I mentioned Florence Esh.”

  She fingered the hem of her apron while debating what to share.

  “Have I ever given you a reason not to trust me?”

  She met his eyes, and they seemed to plead with her, reminding her of a puppy dog’s. “I didn’t tell you the real reason I’m home tonight.” Then she shared what Allen told her about the bishop’s visit. “I wanted to stay there to ensure Allen can get his proper rest before working in the shop, but he insisted I come home.”

  “Allen was right to send you home. He’s protecting you and your reputation.”

  She frowned. “I can’t believe someone went to the bishop and insinuated something inappropriate is going on at Allen’s haus. He needs me there to help him with Mollie.”

  “I’m sure he’ll do just fine. He’s her dat. And you said she’s been sleeping fine at night, so maybe it’s been time for you to come home for a while.”

  “I know.” She sniffed as tears flooded her eyes again. “I feel like I belong at Allen’s haus, but I also feel like I should be here helping Cindy with the chores.” A tear trickled down her cheek, and she wiped it away. “I’m so confused, and I miss Mamm and Savilla. I don’t know where I belong. I feel like the world is changing at lightning speed, and I need it to slow down so I can catch my breath.”

  He was silent, and her shoulders tightened with knots.

  “Just spit it out,” she insisted.

  “You’re too attached to Allen and Mollie.”

  She scowled. “Why do you keep saying that to me?”

  “Because it’s true.” He folded his arms over his blue shirt. “Irma Mae will be back in a couple of weeks, and you’re going to be devastated. You need to start letting go before you’re crushed. And it’s going to be hard on Mollie. You need to think about how difficult this adjustment is going to be for her too.”

  “I know you’re right, and earlier today I was even thinking about how Mollie will adjust without me. But I don’t have to let go of Mollie. I can still go visit her at least once a week.” She gestured around the room. “Cindy and I can make time in our schedules to stop by and see how Allen and Mollie are doing.”

  He tilted his head. “How are things with Rudy?”

  “Not gut.” She shook her head. “He’s been distant.”

  “You should invite him over tomorrow night to have supper with us so he can meet Florence and her kinner too.”

  “That’s a gut idea.”

  “I’m full of gut ideas.” When he stood, his grin was back. “I’m going to take a shower. I’ll see you in the morning.” He started for the door.

  “Thanks for talking with me.”

  Laura finished her unpacking and then headed downstairs.

  When she entered the mudroom, she pulled on a sweater and picked up a lantern before walking outside to the phone shanty. The crisp evening air tickled her nose as her shoes crunched the rock path. She dialed the number for Rudy’s family and waited for their voice mail to pick up.

  “You’ve reached the Swarey family,” his mother’s voice said. “Please leave us a message. Thank you.”

  “Hi, Rudy,” she said, tapping her fingers on the counter. “This is Laura. I want to invite you over for supper at my family’s haus tomorrow night since we haven’t had supper together yet this week. We’re going to eat at six. I’d love for you to join us. I hope you’re having a gut week. Call me when you can. Danki.”

  She hung up the phone and then gazed out toward Jamie’s house. When she spotted a light burning on the porch, her curiosity propelled her down his path. His silhouette came into view as she approached.

  “Laura?” Jamie asked as she climbed the porch steps.

  “Hi.” When she reached the top of the steps, she set the lantern on the porch floor and leaned against the railing. “I thought you were going to go to bed early.”

  “I decided to sit outside and enjoy this schee night. It’s a relief to feel the cool air after the brutal summer we just endured.” He paused, his blue eyes assessing her. “Is there something you want to discuss?”

  She picked at the wood railing. “Do you have a minute to talk?”

  “Of course.” He patted the rocking chair beside him.

  “Danki.” She sat down next to him and then angled her body toward him. “How long have you known about Florence?”

  He leaned back in the chair and folded his hands in his lap.

  She frowned. “You’ve known for a long time?”

  “Ya. Dat told me about her the day he met her.”

  “When was that?”

  He stared out toward the pasture. “I guess it was about a month ago. He’d gone to the library, and he was standing in line to check out his books when she got in line behind him. She had a large stack of Christian novels, and she dropped a few. He helped her pick them up, and they started talking. I guess they hit it off.”

  “What do you know about her?”

  “Well, she’s in her mid-fifties. She lost her husband about eighteen months ago—a massive heart attack.”

  Laura shook her head. “Ach. How bedauerlich.”

  “Ya. She has one sohn at home,
and he’s twenty. His name is Roy. And she has a dochder still at home, Sarah Jane. She’s nineteen. Her elder sohn, Walter, is around my age and married. He has two kinner.”

  “What did her husband do for a living?”

  “He was a farmer. Walter has been supporting her since he died. She and her younger sohn and dochder live in the daadihaus, and Walter runs the farm.”

  “Oh.” She moved the rocking chair back and forth. “Why did Dat only feel comfortable telling you about her at first?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe because I’m the oldest.” He shook his head. “He was worried about how you, Cindy, and Mark would react.”

  She shook her head as renewed feelings of betrayal and disappointment filled her chest. “I don’t understand why no one told me until tonight.”

  “Wait a minute.” He stopped rocking and leaned toward her. “You didn’t know about Florence until tonight?”

  “Mark just mentioned off-handedly that they’re coming for supper when I asked him what was new.”

  “I’m sorry. I thought someone told you. Dat told Cindy and Mark last week.”

  She looked out at the darkness separating the houses. She felt like a stranger in her own home. Her heart ached, but she pushed away the hurt and turned toward her brother. “Are you ready to get married in December?”

  He blew out a gust of air, and then his expression grew sheepish. “The haus is ready, so I suppose I am too.”

  She chuckled. “You and Kayla are great together. I know it will be wunderbaar.”

  “I just hope I can make her froh.”

  “You will.” I pray I can find that same kind of love someday. She blinked at the unexpected thought. Then she stood. “Well, I guess I’ll let you get to bed. Gut nacht.”

  “Gut nacht.”

  She retrieved the lantern and started down the steps.

  When she reached the back porch, she spun and looked toward Jamie’s house. Her conversation with him filtered through her mind. While she understood why her siblings had forgotten to tell her about Florence, the oversight still caused her chest to get tight and cold, like a fist of ice was squeezing at her heart.