Room on the Porch Swing

by Amy Clipston

  “Laura!” Rudy called after her.

  She spun to face him.

  “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.” He lifted his hands and then let them drop at his sides.

  She nodded as her heart shredded. “I am too.”

  “Are you going to tell me what happened tonight or do I have to guess?” Mark asked her when she reached the top of the porch steps. His blue eyes searched hers.

  The porch was empty except for the two of them. Laura breathed in the crisp October-night air as her mind spun with the events of the evening.

  “What did Rudy tell you?” She folded her arms over her waist.

  “He said you were arguing on the way over here but everything was fine. At supper, I could tell it wasn’t fine.”

  “We broke up before he left.”

  Mark cringed. “I’m sorry. What happened?”

  She summarized their conversation, both before they arrived at the house and just now, leaving out her admission about Allen. Then she held her breath, waiting for Mark’s analysis.

  Her brother’s face twisted into a deep scowl. “Rudy had his mamm go to the bishop about you?”

  She nodded.

  “What was he thinking?”

  “He was trying to make a point, and he made it.” She sat down on a porch step, and he sank down beside her. “He never trusted me and Allen.”

  Mark was silent for a moment, and she could almost feel his thoughts whirling like a cyclone. Then he turned toward her. “Are you in love with Allen?”

  She paused, debating how Mark would handle the truth if she shared it with him.

  “I’m not blind, sis. I see how you and Allen look at each other and interact at church services.” He frowned. “Allen is still in mourning. If you set your heart on him, you’ll only wind up hurt.”

  Laura stared at him, her mind spinning with confusion. Once again, her twin was right. She was falling in love with Allen, but the result could be a disaster.

  “You need to try to keep your distance from him emotionally. He’s still reeling from losing Savilla and adjusting to being a single parent.”

  “I know,” Laura managed to say. “We’ve just become very close freinden.”

  “Right.” Mark’s voice held a thread of sarcasm. “I’m sorry you broke up with Rudy. I was hoping he would finally grow up and start treating you right.”

  “You don’t blame me?”

  “Why would I blame you?”

  “You kept saying I was going to ruin my relationship with Rudy by spending so much time with Allen.”

  Mark shook his head. “Rudy was wrong to manipulate the bishop into talking to Allen. That was selfish and thoughtless.”

  “Danki.” She sniffed as grief suddenly dominated all her other emotions. “It was really a mutual breakup, though. We agreed we’d grown apart. But we’ve been together so long it will feel strange not to have him in my life.”

  Mark nudged her with his elbow. “I’m sure it hurts now, but everything will be okay. You’ll meet someone more mature and who wants the things you want.”

  So you don’t see any future for Allen and me.

  “I hope you’re right, Mark.”

  “You know I am.” He stood. “We’d better get to bed. It’s late.”

  Laura followed her brother upstairs. When they reached the landing, she stopped at Cindy’s door and knocked lightly as Mark slipped inside his room.

  “Come in.”

  Laura stepped inside and found her sister propped up in bed, a Christian novel in her hands. “I want to make sure you’re okay.”

  Cindy set her book on her nightstand and sniffed as her eyes shimmered with tears. “Tonight was tough. Florence, Sarah Jane, and Roy are nice, but I’m not ready for Dat to move on.”

  “I know.” Laura climbed into the bed and hugged her. “I’m not ready either.” She leaned against the pillows and looped her arms around Cindy’s shoulders. “But we’ll get through this together.”

  “It will be so strange if he marries her.” Cindy took a deep breath. “I don’t want a new mamm, bruder, and schweschder.” Her tears began to flow, and Laura rubbed her back as her own tears streamed down her cheeks.

  Cindy grabbed a box of tissues from her nightstand, and they both wiped their eyes. “I miss Mamm so much.”

  “I do too. Especially tonight.” Laura took a ragged breath.

  “Is everything all right between you and Rudy?”

  Laura shook her head. “We broke up tonight.” Then she told Cindy a short version of what happened earlier, again keeping her feelings for Allen to herself.

  “I’m so sorry. I could tell something was wrong.” Cindy frowned. “But to be completely honest, I never liked how Rudy treated you.”

  Laura turned toward her sister. “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know if I can explain it. I just always felt like he was holding something back. Like he didn’t love you enough.” She touched Laura’s hand. “I know you’re bedauerlich, but please don’t give up on love. God has the perfect man for you, and you’ll know when you find him.”

  “Danki.” Laura hugged her sister. She was thankful for her siblings. But she wished one of them thought Allen might be the man God had for her. If he wasn’t, what was she going to do with her feelings for him?

  TWENTY-EIGHT

  “Gude mariye!”

  Allen greeted Laura as she stepped into the kitchen, but his smile faded as he took in the dark circles under her eyes.

  “Hi.” She set her tote bag on one of the kitchen chairs next to him and then kissed Mollie’s head. “How are you this morning, Mollie?”

  “Lala!” Mollie held up a Cheerio.

  “Danki.” Laura ate the Cheerio. “Yum.”

  “I made you breakfast.” He stood and pointed to the platter of blueberry pancakes. “I hope you’re hungry.”

  “Danki.” She studied the food, and now she was not only unsmiling, but frowning. “That was very thoughtful of you, but I’m not hungry.” She looked up at him. “Did you eat?”

  He nodded slowly as trepidation surged through him. His empty plate was right in front of him, smeared with leftover syrup. “Was iss letz?”

  “I didn’t sleep well last night.” She began gathering up the dishes. “I’ll clean this up.”

  “No.” He walked over and touched her arm. “Slow down.” He pointed to the table. “Sit and talk to me.”

  “I just have a lot on my mind.” She looked down at the table and again began to gather dishes. Then she carried them to the counter next to the sink.

  “Did something happen last night with your dat’s new freind?” He searched her eyes, hoping to find the answers there.

  She faced him and leaned back against the counter. “Supper was fine, but I’m just feeling a little emotional. I can’t stop thinking about mei mamm.”

  “I understand.”

  She turned to Mollie. “Would you like another pancake?”

  Mollie squealed, and when Laura placed one on the high-chair tray, the little girl gleefully tore it apart.

  “You should eat. As you’ve told me, you need your strength.” He hoped his comment would elicit a smile, but it failed.

  “I’ll eat something later. I want to get started on the laundry.”

  “I’m going out to the shop.” Allen started for the door, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that she was upset with him. When he reached the doorway to the mudroom, he spun and faced her. “Are you angry with me?”

  “What?” She turned toward him, her forehead furrowed. “Why would I be angry with you?”

  “I was wondering if I caused problems between you and Rudy yesterday. If I did, I’m sorry.”

  She hesitated and then shook her head. “I’m not angry with you. It was tough to meet mei dat’s girlfriend and her kinner. This is new territory for my siblings and me. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?” He prayed she would open up to
him.

  “Danki, but I’m not ready. I need to sort through it all first.”

  “Okay. I’m here if you need me.”

  “I know.” Something flashed in her eyes, and her lip trembled. He paused for a moment, but when she remained silent, he headed out. As he walked to his shop, he sent a silent prayer up to God.

  Heal Laura’s heart, Lord. I don’t know how to help her.

  As soon as Allen left, Laura poured herself into housework. She was determined to not break down in front of Allen. After meeting her father’s girlfriend and breaking up with Rudy, her emotions were too turbulent and her heart was too fragile to risk crossing a line with him.

  She cleaned up the kitchen and then played with Mollie until it was time for her morning nap. While Mollie slept, Laura washed and hung out the laundry.

  Laura was careful to keep the conversation mundane during lunch and avoided mentioning Rudy. Instead she told Allen what she knew about the Esh family, hoping it would help her accept them into her family’s life.

  After lunch, she put Mollie down for her afternoon nap in the family room and then dusted and swept the second floor. She was walking down the stairs when she heard the back door click shut. She stepped into the kitchen and gasped when she found Allen leaning over the kitchen sink and cringing as water streamed over his hand.

  She dropped the dustpan and broom and rushed to him. “Are you hurt?”

  “Ya.” He grimaced. “I cut my hand on a piece of metal. I don’t think it’s too deep, but it sure stings.”

  “I’ll get first aid supplies.” She hurried into the utility room, past the wringer washer to the downstairs bathroom, and rooted around under the sink until she found bandages, tape, salve, and a gauze roll. She hustled back to the kitchen and set the supplies on the counter. “Let me see it.”

  He turned off the water and lifted his left hand. As soon as he moved it, the long gash began to bleed. She sucked in a breath, retrieved a clean dish towel from the drawer, and wrapped it around his hand.

  “Of course this happens after you finished the laundry,” he quipped with a smile.

  She looked up at his bright, intelligent baby-blue eyes and his electric smile, and her pulse skittered.

  She looked down and forced herself to concentrate on bandaging his wound. She dried his skin and then applied the salve. As she touched his warm hand, she tried to ignore the wild thumping of her heart.

  “Before you ask, I had a tetanus shot last year when I cut my leg,” he said, oblivious to her conflicting emotions. “So I don’t need to call your bruder and ask him to send an ambulance.”

  She covered the wound with two gauze pads and then began wrapping it with the gauze roll.

  “You must really be in a bad mood if you’re not even cracking a smile at my lame attempts at jokes.”

  “I’m just concentrating on taking care of your wound.”

  “I can’t shake the feeling you’re upset with me for overstepping my bounds with Rudy yesterday.” He touched her shoulder with his good hand, and she nearly jumped out of her skin at the contact. “Please talk to me.”

  “What did you say to Rudy?”

  He paused. “I asked him why he hadn’t married you if he loved you.”

  She froze and swallowed against her suddenly parched throat. “We broke up last night.”

  “I’m so sorry.” He groaned. “I didn’t mean to—”

  “It’s not your fault.” She kept her eyes focused on his hand as she cut the gauze roll and then tied it off. “Our problems have been brewing for a while now.”

  “But I only made them worse.”

  “No, you just helped bring them to the surface.” She rolled up the extra gauze. “He’s the reason the bishop came here.”

  “What do you mean?”

  She looked up at him, and his lips were pressed in a thin line. “He had his mamm talk to the bishop about us. I was furious when he admitted that, and that’s what started our argument last night.” She fingered the gauze as she spoke. “He was worried about how it looked to have me stay overnight here, but he wasn’t worried about hurting you and me.”

  She paused as tears stung her eyes. “When I asked him if he wanted to marry me, he said he didn’t know. So I spent four years of my life with a man who never wanted to marry me. But . . . but I couldn’t say I knew I’d want to marry him either.”

  She sniffed and gathered up the wrappers from the gauze pads. She carried them over to the trash can and dropped them in while fighting back her threatening tears.

  Allen appeared behind her and touched her arm. “Laura.” His voice was low and husky in her ear, sending heat spiraling up her spine and making her knees wobble. “Rudy was the one with the problem, not you.”

  She looked up at him. “The breakup was mutual in the end, but I was the one who initiated it. In fact, I insisted on it. And then last night I stared at the ceiling for hours, wondering if I should have tried again. What if I made a mistake? What if Rudy is the one God wants me to marry? What if I’m alone for the rest of my life while my siblings all get married and have kinner? I don’t want to be alone. I want to be a fraa, and I want to be a mamm.”

  Her tears broke free, sprinkling down her cheeks and peppering her clothes. “I miss mei mamm. If only she were here to offer me advice.” She covered her face with her hands as sobs barred any further confession.

  “Ach, Laura. Please don’t cry.” He pulled her into his arms and held her against his chest. “You have no idea just how amazing you are.”

  She rested her cheek against his chest and closed her eyes.

  “Rudy was narrisch to let you go. If he didn’t want to marry you, then he was blind. One day he’ll realize he let the best thing in his life go, and he’ll regret it.” His words rumbled in his chest as he rubbed her back. “The man who marries you will be blessed for the rest of his life.” The tenderness in his voice made her limp with gratitude.

  Laura took a deep breath as her sobs subsided. She wanted to stay there, feeling safe and cherished in his arms for the rest of her life. A vision of Savilla and Allen smiling at each other filled her mind. The memory came on so fast that it left her spinning. She was caught in a storm of guilt.

  She had no right to enjoy Allen’s touch. He didn’t belong to her.

  Mark’s words from last night echoed through her mind: Allen is still in mourning. If you set your heart on him, you’ll only wind up hurt.

  Her spine went rigid as she stepped away from him. “I’m sorry.”

  His forehead furrowed. “Why are you sorry?”

  “I shouldn’t have—I mean I never meant to—” She gathered up the first aid supplies and fled into the utility room.

  “Laura!” Allen took a step after her but then froze. It was clear she wanted to get away from him, and chasing her would only make the situation more awkward.

  Groaning, he pushed both hands down his face and beard. Why had he crossed the line with her? He knew why. It was because the sight of her sobbing had shredded his own emotions. His instinct was to protect her, comfort her, and soothe her broken heart. He couldn’t stand there and let her sob.

  But his growing affection for her was a detriment to their special friendship. She’d become too important to him. And his feelings for her grew stronger every day.

  Then the truth slammed through him—he was falling in love with Laura. But it was too soon for him to feel love for another woman. Savilla had been gone for only eleven months, and their community dictated that a spouse must mourn for a year. Were his feelings for her sinful since they had developed too soon? Dread poured into him. He couldn’t allow himself to hurt Savilla’s memory like this. But how could he deny how he felt?

  He leaned against the counter and looked toward the doorway she’d used to escape, hoping she would return and talk to him about what had just happened between them.

  After several moments, he stared at his bandaged hand, examining how she’d expertly tended to his woun
d. Perhaps Jamie wasn’t the only Riehl with a gift for helping others. A current like electricity had surged through him as she cleaned his cut and then wrapped it. He’d been grateful when she finally opened up to him, but anger bubbled up when she told him Rudy had been the catalyst for the bishop’s visit. And when she told him Rudy admitted he didn’t want to marry her, his anger transformed into sympathy, and the urge to comfort and protect her overwhelmed him.

  When he held her in his arms, he longed to hold her forever. She felt as if she belonged there with him.

  He groaned once again. Yes, he did love her. But did she love him too?

  He forced the question away. He had no right to love her or to even assume she loved him. Laura had just broken up with her boyfriend of four years. Allen was out of line to assume she’d even consider having another relationship so soon, especially with him. He was her friend, and he needed to concentrate on being only her friend—at least for now.

  He had to put distance between them and give her time to breathe and sort through her confusing feelings. She admitted she was struggling with not only losing Rudy but with accepting her father’s new girlfriend. Adding the pressure of a complicated friendship with him would only alienate her.

  Pushing off the counter, he started for the back door. He would give Laura the space she needed. But when the time was right, he would ask her if he was imagining a growing affection between them or if she felt it too.

  Deep in his heart, Allen prayed Laura cared for him as much as he cared for her.

  TWENTY-NINE

  Laura thanked Allen’s driver and then started up the path to her house. She frowned as she recalled the events of the afternoon. She’d hidden like a coward in the utility room until she heard the storm door click shut, indicating Allen had returned to his shop.

  She spent the remainder of the afternoon cleaning and then made supper. As soon as Allen came in to eat, she packed up her things and headed home, thus avoiding another awkward and emotional discussion with him.