Numb (King's Harlots MC Book 5)

by J. M. Walker

I shivered at his words, erotic memories of our time together filling the void in my mind. “We … we haven’t done anything in here since it was rebuilt. You know that,” I pointed out. “Or do you? What exactly do you remember, Dale?” I took a step to the side but now I was trapped, the only way to get far from him was to jump over the bed.

  His brows narrowed in the center. “It doesn’t matter what I remember or not because I can still feel you. Every single inch of your skin. Whether we fucked before or after the club was blown to shit, this room is still in the same location as before. You know that.” His mouth set in a firm line, the strength of his gait powerful and domineering. Nothing like before.

  This man standing before me was no longer the man I had fallen in love with months ago. I realized that now as a wicked grin grew on his handsome face.

  “You checking me out, kitten?”

  I looked away at the term of endearment he had given me when we first started sleeping together. He had said I was feisty and small. I wasn’t as short as Brogan but I was the youngest out of our group so in his mind, kitten fit perfectly.

  “Don’t you dare take your eyes off of me,” he demanded, closing the distance between us. His hands reached my hair before I could stop him. He pulled my head back before I could run away. “I told you. Never take your eyes off of me.” He leaned down to my ear. “You remember, don’t you? You remember every word, every stroke of my tongue, every thrust of my cock.”

  My heart raced, thumping in tune with each syllable leaving his mouth.

  “Let go of me,” I pleaded, shoving against him, but it only made his hold on me tighten.

  “You remember the conversations we had.” He licked up the length of my neck. “You begging for me to control you. You submitting to me. You giving all of you. To me.” He tugged my head back, forcing me to meet his gaze. “Tell me you remember. Tell me how much you miss it.”

  “Fuck you,” I whispered, slapping my hands against his chest.

  He growled, the rough sound mixing with the desire I couldn’t ignore.

  “Do you remember, Dale?” I pushed him back, my chest rising and falling with the ragged breath. “Do you remember when you laughed at me? When you told me to get the fuck out of your bed like some cheap whore? You made me feel worthless. Is that what you want to hear? You want to hear that every night since then, I have nightmares of you laughing at me. Of … of … our …” My voice cracked. I couldn’t do this. I didn’t like confrontation.

  “Tell me about her.” He reached for me.

  I slapped his hand away, glaring at him.

  “Tell me,” he said, the twinkle of amusement fading from his eyes. “I deserve to know. Especially when it was Coby who told me that my daughter is fucking dead.”

  “Your daughter? Your daughter!” I screamed punching him in the chest. “You don’t deserve to call her yours. You never claimed her as such. Are you feeling guilty, Dale? Is that it?”

  “I deserve to know,” he said through clenched teeth.

  “You deserve to know?” I laughed. “You deserve shit.” I pushed him back. “You should be groveling at my feet for the hell you put me through. And for me not telling you about her? Fine. I’ll own up to that, but when did you expect me to tell you? We can’t talk without fighting. Look at us now. So, tell me, when should I have told you that your daughter died?”

  “How about at the fucking hospital, Max,” he said, his voice raising. “Tell me about her,” he repeated, grabbing my wrists.

  He was faster but I was angrier. “Fuck you.” I shoved him. “I’m not telling you shit.”

  “Maxine.” He inhaled deeply, breathing it out slowly through his nose before he continued. “Tell me.”

  “What? Tell you what, Dale?” I pulled myself from his grip and pushed him back, stepping around him. “Tell you that I had to give birth to her after she died inside of me? Tell you that even though she wasn’t allowed to take her first breath, I still held her?” My heart started pounding, my voice becoming louder as each question left my mouth. “Tell you how her skin was blue but she was still the most beautiful baby I had ever seen?” I raised my hand when he opened his mouth. “No. You don’t deserve to know. My grandmother told me to be your friend. That you needed it and, as much as she’ll be disappointed in me, I can’t be your friend. I’m done trying to be civil.” I turned and went to open the door when a heavy hand slammed it shut.

  Letting out a heavy sigh, I roughly wiped the tears falling down my cheeks. Never in my life had a man affected me as much as the one standing behind me. No one hurt me like he did. And no one made me feel this damn alive at the same time.

  We stood like that for a while. His front to my back. His hand on the door so I wouldn’t run away from my problems. From him. His hot breath slid across the back of my neck, fanning just over my head. He stood several inches taller than me but his body had become bigger over the past couple of weeks. He could crush me if he wanted to, and part of me wished he would.

  Placing his other hand against the door, he caged me in. His body was mere inches from mine, not touching me in the least but I still felt him everywhere. Inside and out. I could feel him moving along my skin, taking every waking desire I had for him and unleashing it onto me.

  Dale brushed his mouth under my ear, sliding it down the length of my neck until he reached my shoulder.

  A gasp escaped me and, as much as I wanted to deny it, I was still attracted to this man. Every nerve ending exploded from his touch.

  “Where is she?” Dale asked gently, breaking the silence a moment later.

  I bit back a sob at the thickness in his voice, but I wouldn’t give in. I wouldn’t try and console him when he never did the same for me. It wasn’t right, I knew that, but he needed to see he couldn’t always get what he wanted. He couldn’t be demanding and expect me to fall to my knees. He couldn’t kiss me and expect me to submit. I was no longer the woman he met weeks ago. One look of his baby blues and I was done for. But not this time. “That’s none of your concern,” I muttered.

  Dale grabbed my arms, spun me around, and slammed me up against the door. “Tell me where the fuck my daughter is,” he yelled.

  “Why, Dale? Huh? Tell me one good reason why I should give you that information when you never wanted it before.”

  “She’s my daughter,” he shouted, digging his fingers into my arms.

  “She was my daughter too. I gave birth to her. I buried her. Me.” I shoved him. “I did all of it by myself. Do you understand what that can do to a person?” I didn’t want to show him this side of me. I didn’t want anyone to see how broken I was. As soon as the words left my mouth, I clammed up and snapped my mouth shut.

  “You did it by yourself?” he asked, taking a step away from me. Rubbing the back of his neck, he bellowed out a curse and punched his fist into the wall. “Why, Max? Why the fuck would you do that?”

  “Because I didn’t want people looking at me with pity,” I screamed, digging my fingers into my hair. “I didn’t want everyone …”

  “What?”

  “I didn’t want them to feel sorry for me.” That was only partly the truth. The real reason was I didn’t want people to see the darkness that threatened to consume me. I didn’t want them to think I was losing my ever-loving mind.

  My legs buckled, no longer able to hold my weight. I dropped to my knees, hugging my arms around myself.

  Hands touched my shoulders, rubbing down my back.

  “Don’t touch me,” I sobbed, but I no longer had the strength to push Dale away.

  ***

  (Dale)

  There was no way in hell I would ever get this woman back in my life. Back to where she looked at me with adoring eyes. Back to where she loved me. I fucked up. I one-hundred percent screwed up any chance I had with this woman. This beautiful, breathtaking woman.

  “Don’t touch me,” she repeated on a whisper but she didn’t pull away.

  I didn’t push her. I already started
out this night by doing that. Instead, I rubbed my hands in small circles over her back while she gave me a part of herself that I knew pissed her off. Max was strong. Unlike any other person I had ever met but I was too stupid to see it until right then. She was right in questioning why I wanted to know where our daughter was. It enraged the fuck out of me when she wouldn’t tell me but, on the other hand, I understood.

  An apology was on the tip of my tongue, but what good would it do? It was only words. Words didn’t do shit. Actions spoke louder but I had no idea what the fuck to do to make her forgive me.

  Her shoulders shook, her cries only getting harder.

  She needed something. Anything. I didn’t know what so I did the first thing I thought of. I pulled her into my arms.

  “What are you doing?” she cried, struggling against me.

  “I’m holding you.” I cupped her nape, pulling her head down to my shoulder. “I’m just holding you.”

  Her struggling ceased but she never hugged me back.

  I was fine with that.

  She came to visit me at the hospital. I knew before the words left her mouth, but when she admitted to it, it was still like a slap in the face. After everything I had done, she stood by my side. I didn’t deserve her. Not one fucking bit.

  After a couple of minutes of me rubbing her back and her crying ending, a knock sounded on the door.

  Much to my dismay, Max slid off my lap and wiped the tears from her cheeks.

  My body ached as I rose to my feet. There was a pain in the back of my throat I had never felt before. Even after all the shitty foster homes I had as a child, nothing compared to this. I was thrown away as a boy and tossed aside as a man. That fact alone tore my heart out. Knowing it was my fault was like a flesh-eating disease as it gnawed away at my soul.

  Seeing the hatred in Max’s eyes, knowing it was directed toward me affected me in a way I wasn’t used to. That light I had after all of these years, that glow I held onto even after going to war, still held on. Until now.

  Holding out my hand, I waited.

  Max raised an eyebrow, looking at my hand and then back at my face. Tentatively, she placed hers in mine and I pulled her to her feet.

  Although she shoved from my grip, she still let me touch her. It was small but I would take it.

  She opened the door, revealing her best friend.

  “We wanted to make sure you were okay,” Jay said from the doorway.

  “Have you seen—” Angel’s gaze landed on me. He barged into the room, barreling toward me. “What the fuck are you doing in here?”

  “I don’t think it’s any of your business,” I threw back at him, not in the mood for his over protective papa bear shit.

  “You’re not supposed to be in here,” he said, shoving a finger in my chest.

  “Who the fuck says?” I pushed him.

  “She says,” Angel pointed at Max. “That’s who. Now get out before I throw you the fuck out.”

  “Angel, baby.” Jay grabbed his arm. “Let’s go. They do need to talk.”

  “No.” Angel kissed her gently on the mouth. “You asked me to watch out for your best friend. That’s what I’m doing. I’m sick of this shit.” He glared at me. “We heard her. We were there. So back the fuck up.”

  “It’s fine,” Max reassured him. “I promise. He was just leaving. Weren’t you?” she asked me.

  Crossing my arms under my chest, I leaned against the dresser. “Make me.”

  She huffed, her cheeks reddening. “Everyone out. Now.” When we didn’t move, she threw her hands up in the air. “Fine, I’ll leave.” And with that, Max stormed out of the room.

  Angel came toward me, stepping toe to toe with me. “If something happens to my baby because of your shit with Max stressing out my fiancée, I’ll fucking kill you.”

  ONCE I LEFT the party, I headed to Josee’s place. I needed out. A change. An actual home I could call my own. What the hell was I thinking when I planned the party? Did I expect Dale to fall to his knees and beg for my forgiveness? No but I wasn’t expecting him to be a complete asshole about everything. But he had been right about one thing. I should have told him more about the baby myself and not make Coby feel forced into telling him. But I couldn’t. The words froze on my tongue and the only thing that came out of me was pure hatred. I wanted to make Dale stew and think about the pain he had caused me. Two wrongs didn’t make a right and shit but I didn’t give a fuck at this point.

  Before I knew it, I was standing on Josee’s front step. Knocking twice, I waited.

  When the door opened, it revealed a disheveled Josee. Her hair was a mess, her eyes glossed over.

  “Did I interrupt something?” I asked, my cheeks heating.

  She frowned. “What?” Understanding brightened her gaze. “No. I wish.” She laughed. “I fell asleep on the couch after a couple glasses of wine. What are you doing here? I thought you had a party.”

  “I did,” I muttered, glancing down at my feet. Kicking a stone, I cleared my throat, my cheeks heating even more. My stomach churned while time seemed to slow down. I took a deep breath and then another before I met my friend’s gaze.

  “Max?” she said softly. “What’s going on?”

  “Do you still have that house for sale?”

  She raised an eyebrow. “I think this conversation needs to be held over a bottle of wine.” She took a step back, sweeping her arm to the side. “Welcome to my humble abode.”

  I sighed, heading into the house.

  “Make yourself at home,” she said, heading to the kitchen.

  I was about to walk into the living room when something soft brushed up against my feet. I jumped back, finding a black, fluffy cat rubbing its body against me. “Hi, kitty.” I smiled, kneeling to pet it. The cat purred, the sound rumbling from deep within its body until it vibrated into my hands. I smiled. “You have the loudest purr ever.” As if the cat could understand me, the purr grew louder.

  Josee giggled. “That’s Pig. His purr is like no other.”

  I laughed with her, the sound foreign to my ears. It had been long time since a laugh leaving my mouth was genuine. My eyes burned, my heart swelling that it took a cat’s purr to make me feel better even if it was just for a couple of minutes. “Hello, Mr. Pig,” I said, my voice thick. “It’s nice to meet you.”

  Pig shoved his head into my hand.

  “He’s too cute.” I picked him up, snuggling my face into the crook of his neck. His purr trembled into my soul, wrapping me in a blanket of peace. I rose to my full height and followed Jo to the couch with Pig in my arms.

  “Strange. He’s never like that with anyone.” She shrugged. “He must like you.”

  “Or he feels my pain,” I whispered.

  “Here.” She handed me a glass of wine, ignoring my comment. “Let’s talk.”

  I was really starting to hate talking.

  We sat on the couch in the living room, the cushion sinking beneath my weight. I let out a sigh, leaning my head back all the while running my fingers through Pig’s long, black fur. “Is that your family?” I asked, pointing to the pictures lined up on the mantel above the fireplace.

  “Yup,” she took a sip of wine, curling her feet under her. “My parents and my two brothers.”

  “How are your parents doing after everything?” I asked, remembering how her oldest brother had died a couple years ago in a fishing accident.

  “They’re getting by.” She narrowed her eyes at me. “Just because you’re being nice and asking about my family doesn’t mean I’ll let you off. You will tell me what’s going on.”

  I scoffed. “You sound like Dale.”

  “What do you mean?”

  I placed the glass on the coffee table. Pig meowed at the movement but adjusted himself on my lap, kneading his claws into my skin. The pain was sharp but somehow it reminded me I was still alive, that I had so much to be thankful for even though I didn’t feel like it at the moment. “You both know me well, it’s scar
y. My girls … my sisters know me but not like you two. You have an unbiased view.” I shook myself. “I don’t know. I’m rambling.”

  “No.” She placed a hand on my shoulder. “Talk.”

  “Dale and I had a fight tonight. We tried talking but it only turned into us yelling at each other and …”

  “Sex?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

  “Not quite but I can’t help but be attracted to him.” My cheeks heated. “God, I hate him. I hate him so much, and I hate him even more because I can’t control these feelings. I need out. I need away from it all and to start over.”

  “And you want to buy the house I have for sale?”

  “Yes.”

  Josee had been trying to sell her old place for years. Ever since she became successful in the art industry, she moved and got something bigger but that tiny house still remained.

  “Please,” I pleaded. “You know I’m responsible.”

  “Girl.” She laughed and placed her glass on the coffee table. “I know you are.” Pinning up her mess of curls, she winked at me. “Besides, I know where you work.”

  I gave her a soft smile. “I know you were wanting to rent it out but I would like to buy it.”

  “Max, if you want to buy the house, it’s yours. I only chose to rent it out at first because I couldn’t get any buyers. I’ll have my lawyer draw up the paperwork tomorrow but I trust you.” Josee reached for her bag and pulled out her keys. After fiddling with it for a couple of seconds, she handed me a single key. “You can start moving in whenever you are ready.”

  My throat burned. “Really?” I asked, taking the key from her.

  “Yes,” she said, softly. “Of course. I know you’ve been through a lot, and I want to do anything I can to help.”

  “Thank you.” I threw my arms around her, Pig protesting at the sudden movement and jumped off my lap. “Thank you so damn much.”

  She laughed. “You’re welcome.”

  Releasing her, I slipped the key into my purse. “I’m going to have my own home.”

  “You are.” She patted my hand. “But haven’t you had your own home already?”