by Bonny Capps
“Well if it’s any consolation, my family will never mistreat you as your brother has me.”
She smirks as she steps towards me. “Do you think that they’re innocent, Sofia? What do you think they do for a living? They sell women. They sell drugs … weapons. They are no different than this family. Alexei despises me. He doesn’t want this. He’s doing it because he’s being forced to do it. Do you think that a man will be kind to a woman whom he’s forced to marry?”
“Yes,” I whisper. “He will be kinder than your brother has been to me.”
I hum as I run my hand over the flesh where it hangs.
Taxidermy fascinates me. It’s the process; peeling the skin away, preserving it, stuffing and mounting it. Though, this time is very different than the others. This time, it’s pieces upon pieces of countless hunts that I’m putting together. Pieces that I’ve saved for this moment. Why hunt–why kill, if you’re not to use the flesh?
I’ve been dreaming of this. To see what my hands are capable of, and to admire it as art.
No … not an animal, but the beauties who I tear apart in front of the camera. There are so many in this room. The flesh hangs as it tans beneath the UV lights. My favorite parts of them. I didn’t like any one whole, I only liked pieces. Sofia, she’s the only one who I want in her entirety. She is perfect in every way. From her flawless face to her beautiful round belly, all the way to her toes. I can’t get enough of her.
When she has my perfect little baby, I can only imagine that she’ll be even more beautiful. But I want more than just her beauty. I want her to accept me. To understand the workings of my mind. She doesn’t of course. She doesn’t want to understand what makes me tick. Because she’s perfect, and I’m flawed. She sees me as a monster, and I see her as an angel. How are we ever to see eye to eye?
I hear someone approach the door, and I already know it’s my sister by the sound of her heels clicking against the concrete.
“What do you want?” I snap without looking towards her.
“Please do not—”
“Enough!” I exclaim, turning to face her. “You will do what needs to be done for this family. Do you understand?”
I watch the tears rise to her eyes, but she quickly blinks them away. “Tell me. Tell me what I’ve done.”
I sneer at her. “Alina, you are to marry Alexei, and you are to honor him by having a smile on your face when you do! Do you understand?”
She begins shaking her head emphatically. “No.”
My chest heaves as I approach her, and she doesn’t cower. She never does.
“Yes.”
Alina sticks her chest out in defiance. “No.”
She gasps when I tangle my fingers in her hair before yanking her head back. “You dare tell me no? You have no say in the matter. Now get the fuck out.”
I release her and turn, but pause when I hear her words. “Whatever happened to us? To what we used to be?”
“I do not think two teenagers experimenting is considered anything.” I rasp, trying to keep the memories from flickering through my mind, but I can’t when I feel her hand creep up my back.
“I thought it was something.”
I whip around to face her and grasp her wrist, squeezing it harshly and causing her to wince. “You never speak of those moments. Why now? Because you are afraid, Alina. Because you want to manipulate me … change my mind. That will not happen.”
“You used me!” she wails, attempting to snatch her wrist from my grasp and failing. “You used me, and you’re using me again.”
I scoff. “Used you? Used you!” I force her onto her knees. “Go on. You want to stay here? You want to be my fuck toy until my wife is through carrying my child, do it. Show me now, Alina.”
I stare down at her pathetic face as the tears stream down her cheeks. “No? But whatever happened to us, Alina? Tell me!”
“Fuck you!” she spits out, narrowing her eyes at me.
I smirk at her. “That’s what I thought. Now get the fuck out. If I have to say it again, I’ll shove my cock down your throat and remind you why we stopped in the first place.”
She scurries from the room and I smile as I turn towards my workbench. I have a self-made mannequin for this piece, and this will not be my last. This is the first of many.
I do not have answers for my desires, nor do I wish to give them up. For Sofia, her escape is the ice—she almost allowed it to swallow her. Mine is here, below the surface of the dacha’s wooden floors—killing, crafting, perfecting my art.
I saved her, but there’s nobody saving me. It’s how it’s always been, and it’s something that I’ve grown accustomed to. She may not be able to save me, but she is to stand by my side just as she vowed to do when she married me.
I pick up two pieces of flesh along with the hook needle that’s been threaded with black thread. A good, sturdy needle is necessary in order to puncture the tough, tanned flesh. I begin humming again, and my mind goes to a peaceful place, where all I can think of is the needle as it weaves in and out of the skin.
I puff on my cigarette as I walk down the hall, stopping when I see my portrait in its respected place. What sacrifices am I to make as the Pakhan? What am I to lose? I’ve already lost my mind.
Sofia. Sofia and my child.
That’s ultimately why I’m allowing Alexei to marry Alina. It’s the only way to even out the playing field. It’s the only way to keep them from Sofia.
Continuing on my way, I stop outside of our bedroom door. Every time that I’m to be with her, I have to pull myself back. I have to be the man she expects me to be. For her love … for her devotion. I can’t be who I am when I’m below.
Once I enter, she isn’t in bed. The bathroom door is open, so I quietly make my way inside. She’s resting in the bath with white rose petals surrounding her as they float atop the water. Her long hair covers her swollen breasts, and the top of her growing belly bobbles in the water. Her head rests on the side of the bath and her eyes are closed.
“Hello, mouse,” I whisper, kneeling down beside her and gently running a hand over her stomach.
“Hmm?” Her lazy eyes open up to meet mine.
“You fell asleep. Here, let us get you out of the bath and in bed.”
“What is it?” Vlad implores as he looks over my newest contraption.
I smile, excited to tell him of my creation. “It’s another tool for the videos. It works like a pendulum. The girl is to lie on the wooden platform where she will be strapped down. Each blade is heavy enough to swing effortlessly back and forth—but here is what sets it apart.” I pause, walking around to the motor. “This control panel will allow us to lower the blades as they swing. I’ve managed to program it to not offset the swinging blades.”
Vlad runs a hand over his head as he looks at me quizzically. “How did you figure this out?”
I smirk, tapping my temple with my index finger. “The mind is an incredible thing, my friend. Now, let us get started.
They are all so different, and my eyes always tend to zero in on their tiny imperfections: birthmarks, moles, freckles. Those tend to be my favorite parts to keep. This girl … I like her face and her hair—red and silky—while her pale cheeks are dusted with beautiful, pink freckles.
She will be perfect for my next project.
She’s afraid. They all are, and I cannot blame them. Death is permanent. Though, I’d imagine after being locked in a cage for weeks, barely fed and hanging onto any last hope of life, that eventually they will succumb to the undeniable truth that they will die here.
Everyone gives up hope eventually. What’s left after that? A fraction of what they once were. I like peeling their layers away, watching them depreciate as time ticks by. Time eventually becomes an old friend that you used to trust, only to discover that it was deceiving you all along. You hold on tight, until your fingertips hesitantly allow it to slip away. Time is all we’ve got in this life and when it’s gone, it’s gone. You eventually sli
p into the abysmal darkness, and it will never let you go.
Then you realize … time never existed.
So many people chase heaven. So many people lose themselves in the unknown. I prefer to keep myself in the here and now. Here, I can release myself into the wilderness that is my mind.
Sofia can’t render me spineless here with her inexplicable beauty … with her pureness … with her perfectness. This place belongs to me. My darkness dwells here. There is no pretending about the man that I am. There is nothing ceasing my demented tendencies.
“Please….” The redhead moans as her head rolls from one side to the other.
Running a hand over her silky hair, my exposed cheek brushes against hers. “Nobody is ready to die.”
A sob escapes her as I tighten the strap over one of her wrists. I nod to Vlad and Andrei who each grab one of the blades and hold them above their heads; Andrei at the foot, and Vlad at the head of the table. The hood that I wear hangs over my eyes and nose as I step behind the table where she lies.
The room illuminates with each flash of the camera as the film clicks on. Vlad and Andrei release each of the blades, and the swoosh sound fills the room each time the blades cross each other. I’ve yet to begin lowering the pivot; I’m relishing in her fear. Her screams are the sweetest song as her wide eyes try and follow each blade simultaneously.
My mouth curls into a smile as her lips begin moving rapidly to a whispered prayer. I can see her pulse beating erratically as she clenches her fists, awaiting the worst.
“Please!” She wails, “Please, I’ll do anything.” A mixture of tears and snot streams from her face to the wood below her trembling form.
I cock my head and look into her wide, green eyes. “Accept your fate,” I whisper. Then, I press the button.
The pivot jumps to life before it starts lowering the blades to her abdomen. She begins shaking her head erratically as she cries out inexplicability.
Suddenly, the room goes black.
My chest heaves as I release the lever. I rest my hand on my stomach before sliding down the wall. My eyes grow wide when I hear Dimitri holler, followed by hurried footsteps. I hold my breath as they get closer. Once they’ve passed me, I make my way to the room where he had the girl.
The place is pitch black, and I use my hands and my memory to find her. Why did I follow him? Why did I allow my eyes to see his sick hands at work? I couldn’t bare it. I couldn’t let him kill that girl. She’s young and beautiful. I’m sure she was the vibrant girl that I once was. Still, this isn’t anything less than idiotic.
This could be suicide.
Once I locate the room, I hear her quivering breaths followed by the swooshing sounds of the blades as they still swing back and forth with force. Reaching my hands out in front of me, I finally grasp the edge of what I believe is the god awful table he has her strapped to. She begins whimpering loudly.
“Please, be quiet. I’m here to help you,” I rasp. My hands quickly get to work locating the straps that are holding her down, ducking low to make sure that I don’t get hit with a blade.
“Don’t move,” I whisper, removing what I believe to be the last strap. “The blades are still swinging. You don’t even have an inch of wiggle room. Stay flat on your back and see if you can shimmy your way off of the table.”
“O–okay,” she whimpers.
“Be careful, but be quick. We don’t have much time.”
When she falls to the hard floor beside me, the lights cut back on.
“Well isn’t this sweet,” Dimitri says nonchalantly behind us.
I gather the girl into my arms and scoot to the furthest wall, shielding her as I narrow my eyes at him.
“She can’t be any more than fifteen, sixteen years old Dimitri. Leave her be. Let her live.”
He smirks at me as his men appear behind him. “Go fetch the girl.”
I shake my head emphatically as my arms tighten around her naked form. “You’re going to be a father. You’ve got to stop this. There are other ways. Please.”
I glare at Vlad as he approaches me, and I struggle with everything in me to keep him from pulling the screaming girl from my grasp, but it’s no use. I sob as Dimitri sits behind me on the floor and pulls me to his chest as Vlad and Andrei once again strap the girl down.
“Watch, mouse. This is what you came to see.”
I shake my head as tears stream down my cheeks. “You’re evil.”
His chest rumbles against my back as he chuckles darkly. “Have I ever denied that?”
Dimitri never lets go as the camera once again comes to life. I gave the poor girl useless hope, and now she must be even more terrified than she was before.
When the blades begin lowering once more, I try and turn my face away, but Dimitri grasps my jaw forcing me to watch the bloody, horrific display. The blades begin to rip through her abdomen, sending chunks of flesh and organs flying across the cold room.
I gasp when the warm blood sprays across my cheek and leaks onto my bottom lip. The girl’s screams subtly die along with her will to live. Her body jumps several times before she goes completely limp, and her head flops over to the side—confirming that she’s succumbed to what I tried to save her from.
I watch in horror as Dimitri secures the metal cuff around my ankle. “You can’t keep me chained to the bed. I’ll go insane.”
He laughs. “Good. Welcome to my world.”
I sniffle as I run a hand over my bleary eyes. “You make those videos because you want to make them. You have enough money to stop producing them. I’m sure there are other ways to keep the bratva afloat.”
“Do not tell me how to run this bratva, Sofia. Do not tell me how I should do anything. Do you understand?” he snaps, his eyes darting to mine. “A good wife minds the house … the children. Poverty is very much a reality in Russia. Be happy that your husband is doing what he must to support you … to make you happy. I’ve been trying, Sofia. You do not make it easy.”
“I don’t want to be here!” I holler, my voice strained as I grab at my hair. “I want to be home. I want to be in America. I want to be with Mirna, I want—” I gasp when he strikes me, sending me to my side on the bed before wrapping my hair around his fist.
“I do not care what you want. I do not care what you need. Not anymore. I’ve stretched myself very thin to appease you. I have kept my demons below the floors of this dacha, only to return a different man to you. Because I love you! All because I finally found something that I didn’t want to break. Everything else … everything else means nothing. But you—you mean the world to me, yet you push me further to the point of no return.”
His grip loosens in my hair as his eyes stare into nothing. He’s losing his mind, and he’s taking me down with him. I’m no longer independent, and I should have known this all along.
I’m a part of his world. That’s it. I no longer belong to myself. Here … here is where I am, and I’ll rot away in his madness before I can ever save myself.
That’s the power he has over me. That’s my fate: to drown in his aberration.
4 Months Later
I look out into the blizzard as my stomach tightens. This is it. I keep telling my baby to stay inside.
There isn’t any power, and there aren’t any doctors. I’m in labor, yet I haven’t told a soul. Each time my womb constricts, I say a prayer. I’m silently suffocating—suffering. I don’t want this. My baby is safe in my womb, but outside … he or she won’t survive this.
They won’t survive their father.
I’ve been chained to this bed for months. My ankle still bares the cuff that it has for so long, leaving a red mark around it. Seemingly, it’s permanent; a reminder of the captive I am. Now, I’m to give birth in the same bed that this baby was conceived in.
My nose flares as I try and count my breaths, gripping my stomach in my palms as I try and stop the inevitable from happening; this baby is coming out, whether I want it to or not.
I’ve n
ever known this type of pain. It feels like a million knives are stabbing my abdomen. I can’t control it, as much as I try. It hurts unlike anything that I’ve ever felt. I fall to my knees and cry out when the liquid emerges from my womb. I tried to stay quiet, but it’s impossible.
“Sofia!”
I know that voice. It’s Vadim, once again saving me as he captures me beneath my arms.
Dimitri grasps my legs as they place me atop the mattress. My breaths are hurried as I try and keep myself from passing out. The pressure between my legs is more than I can bare. The baby’s head presses against my cervix, and I cry out when it feels as if I’m being split open.
“Blood. All I can see is blood,” Dimitri says, his voice quivering as he looks between my thighs.
“Pull it together, cousin. Your child will not survive if you do not.”
I look towards Dimitri and watch as his wide gaze locks onto the middle of my thighs. His face is serious as he concentrates on the task at hand. I scream when I feel myself open up. I can’t take my eyes away from my husband as he works on delivering our baby.
The pain is unimaginably unbearable … but then, I hear my baby. It screams towards the ceiling, and I smile when I look between my bloody thighs and see her. She’s perfection.
Suddenly … I fall in love.
Dimitri leans forward and hands me my little girl. Her little eyes try and peer at me, and I can’t help but run my index finger over her cheek. “Hello, sweet girl.”
My eyes snap to Dimitri’s. “Eva. I want to name her Eva.”
He nods slowly, running a hand over his face and leaving a smear of my blood in its path. “Alright,” he growls as he stands and begins walking towards the door, pausing before leaving the room. “We’re going to try again very soon. I’d like a son.”
Once he leaves, I remember that I’m still in Vadim’s embrace.
“She’s beautiful,” he whispers against my cheek as I stare down at her.