Desires

by Holly J. Gill

  She jumped to her feet and dragged her bag into the kitchen. She pulled out the clothes and began to sort her washing, trying to keep her mind occupied. She put a load in the machine, then did the washing up that had been there since before the weekend, scrubbing at the crusty plates with a scouring pad till they sparkled. She dried them and put them away, then looked for something else to do.

  She decided to make something to eat and opened the fridge door. She stared at the shelf full of meals-for-one that constituted the entirety of the contents of her fridge and closed the door.

  She wandered back into the living room, which felt a bit warmer now, and sat down on her sofa. She stared around the empty space, for the first time feeling alone. She had never felt this way before. Usually, she loved her own company, especially since leaving Graham. She enjoyed not having anyone to clean up after, being able to do everything her own way. But now, she felt incomplete.

  She scrabbled in her bag and found Chrissie’s mobile number. She could call her. Chrissie was the only person who knew about Dan. But what could she say to her? I fucked up. I allowed him to slide through my bloody hands. I walked out on him before our time was up. She stared at the clock, annoyed at the fact she still could have been at the club with him, gazing into his brown eyes, holding him tight to her body, caressing his divine body, feeling his cock…

  Stacie shivered as she became aroused. What the hell had she done?

  It was pointless any longer to deny the fact she was in love with him. Her heart felt punctured and crippled, her legs were like jelly. She didn’t know what to do, she couldn’t stand these feelings. She yearned to go to bed with him, feel his body pressing against her, his breath on her naked flesh, bringing her to ecstasy.

  “Bloody hell Stacie, get a grip. Forget him. You paid him for sex and got it, now shut up.” She grabbed a cushion and hugged it to herself, tears sliding down her cheeks. She wished she hadn’t walked out, wished she’d had the courage to talk to him. “Stop it Stacie! Stop thinking about him. You fucked up, you live with it.”

  * * * *

  Her alarm blared. Stacie rolled over and hit it into silence. Her head ached. Last night she’d polished off the remainder of the bottle of wine, along with several bottles of pear cider left over from her divorce party. She didn’t even like pear cider, which was why they were still there months after the party. Stacie tweaked the curtains and winced against the bright sun streaming across her bed.

  She had to get up, though. It was just lucky she hadn’t been so drunk as to forget to set her alarm. Work wouldn’t wait. She dragged herself into the shower, grimacing at the state of her face in the mirror, streaks of mascara trailed down her cheeks from her self-pitying crying jag the night before.

  She drank about a pint of water and took some painkillers to try to get rid of her headache, before getting ready and heading off for work, hoping she didn’t get pulled over. She wasn't entirely sure she’d pass a breathalyser. The traffic was manic and she arrived late.

  “Good afternoon, Stacie,” said her boss, leaning back and crossing her arms.

  “Sorry, traffic,” Stacie explained.

  “You should leave earlier.”

  “Sorry,” Stacie mumbled again.

  She spent the day in and out of meetings, trying to organise the next magazine, but her mind was all over the place.

  That evening Stacie put on her favourite chick flick, Bridget Jones’s Diary. She was turning into a real Bridget Jones herself useless at everything, falling for the wrong men, sitting at home necking wine and listening to sad songs. Where was her Mark Darcy? She didn’t want to be like that any longer. Stacie put the DVD away, determined that the next time she watched it, she would have a Mark Darcy of her own. Time to take charge of her life.

  * * * *

  She worked late the next few days at work, trying her hardest to get organised and snap back into action.

  Sitting at her desk one morning, analysing an interview, she jumped when her mobile phone rang. Stacie frowned at her phone, not recognising the number.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi, Stacie?” said a cheerful woman’s voice.

  “Speaking,” Stacie said.

  “You forgotten about me already?” said the woman, sounding bubbly.

  “Sorry?”

  “It’s Chrissie, from Desires.”

  “Oh God…I am so sorry. Yes, I had forgotten, I’ve been busy with work.” Stacie was surprised at how pleased she was to hear from the other woman. She’d shoved the napkin with Chrissie’s scribbled number into her bag when she’d left Desires, but then totally forgotten about her intention to put it in her phone.

  “I can’t talk for long, but I was wondering if you’d like to meet up for some lunch, or dinner, if you’re not busy?”

  “That would be great, I could do dinner tonight,” Stacie replied, a smile cracking her face. Finally she had a social life.

  They made arrangements and hung up. Stacie tried not to think about what she was going to say about Dan.

  Stacie spent the afternoon running around making sure that any all loose ends were tied up. She wasn't working late tonight.

  She left work, feeling pleased to have someone to meet. At least one good thing did come from Desires, she met a friend if not a lover. She went home and got changed, taking off her confining work suit and slipping into a long flowing jersey dress. She touched up her makeup and got a taxi to the restaurant.

  On arrival, she was heading over to the bar when she heard her name called. She turned around to see Chrissie standing at a table, waving at her, a beaming smile on her face. She walked over and Chrissie kissed her on the cheek, then enveloped her in an unexpected hug.

  “How the devil are you?” Chrissie said.

  “I am fantastic, and you?”

  They ordered their food and began to chitchat, just gossip about work and the latest soap stories. It was so nice to have a pleasant conversation with someone.

  The food was delicious and they’d managed to polish off a bottle of wine between them. Stacie was just beginning to feel merry when Chrissie put her knife and fork together on the plate and leaned back in her chair.

  “So, go on then. What happened with Dan?”

  “Oh don’t. I fucked up, he fucked up. I have no bloody idea what happened,” she replied, holding her face in her hands.

  “Come on, explain,” Chrissie said, moving closer and wrapping a comforting arm over her shoulder.

  “I have no idea. Well I just have no clue…I was all ready to say something, I had it going around in circles in my head and then, well…I just—”

  Chrissie interrupted, “You never told him how you felt about him?”

  “I was going to, but then he brought in this other guy to have sex with me, and after that I hated him.”

  “I see,” Chrissie said.

  “If he had any feelings for me, would he have done that?”

  “Maybe he had no choice. Maybe because it’s his job, he had to be professional. Do you still love him?”

  “God, yes. I haven’t stopped thinking about him. He did say a few things that made me think he might have feelings for me.”

  “Like what?”

  “Well,” Stacie felt her face heating at the memory. “He said I had fantastic breasts, he could play with them all day, and then he said I have a stunning body. Would that mean anything?”

  “He could have been just flattering you.”

  “But there was more than that. It was more in the way he looked at me, if you know what I mean. And he didn’t look happy when I was having sex with the other guy. Not at all!”

  “What have you got to lose by telling him? You don’t have him now, do you?”

  Stacie shook her head.

  “And if you tell him, and he doesn’t feel the same, you still won’t have him.”

  “But I’ll feel stupid and embarrassed.”

  “Isn’t it worth feeling stupid and embarrassed when you thin
k about what you’ll gain if he does feel the same? You only live once Stacie, life’s too short. Have you arranged to go back?”

  “No.”

  “Have you got the number?”

  “Yes, it’s in my phone.” Stacie began digging about in her handbag. “Oh, I must have left it at home when I rang the taxi.”

  “Come on then, back to yours,” Chrissie said, standing up and gesturing for the bill.

  They got a taxi to Stacie’s flat. Stacie’s heart skipped and her body ached with excitement, praying and hoping he hadn’t been booked up. The phone lay innocently on the hall table. Stacie grabbed it up and they rushed into the living room. She brought the number up on her contacts list and just stood there staring at it.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I can’t,” Stacie whispered.

  “Why not?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Give it here!” Chrissie grabbed the phone and hit the call button, passing it back to Stacie as the ring tone began.

  “Hello, Desires?” came the voice.

  Stacie opened her mouth but nothing came out.

  “Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?”

  Stacie looked at Chrissie, who made urging gestures with her hands. She took a deep breath.

  “Sorry, hi. It’s Stacie Clifford. My number is 7029.”

  “Good evening, Stacie. How are you?”

  “Fine thanks. I…I…I was wondering if I could book Dan for the weekend?” Stacie said in a rush.

  “Just one moment please.” There was a pause. “He’s not scheduled to come in, but I can contact him for you, if you wish.”

  “Yes, please!” she said in excitement then remembered to tone down her enthusiasm. “That’s fine, if he can’t do it, don’t worry about it.”

  “I’ll give you a call back as soon as I get in touch with him, okay Stacie?”

  They said goodbye and hung up.

  “Well?”

  “They’re ringing him and getting back to me,” Stacie said, bouncing on her toes with anxiety. “Chrissie, what have I done?”

  “I think wine is called for,” Chrissie said, taking hold of Stacie’s shoulders and propelling her into the kitchen. “Do you have any?”

  Stacie shook her head. “I drank the last of it the other night,” she said, shame-faced.

  “Didn’t I see a corner shop just down the road?”

  Stacie nodded.

  “Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be right back.”

  It seemed Chrissie was gone only two minutes before she came back bearing a bottle of sparkling wine. She expertly popped the cork with a giggle and poured them both a glass.

  They went back into the living room and sat staring at the phone.

  Stacie sipped her wine and fidgeted, silently begging the mobile to ring, tapping her foot on the coffee table leg, while Chrissie chewed her fingernails. Stacie had never felt so anxious about waiting for a phone call, not even when it was her solicitor about her divorce. But this call was a whole different situation, this was about getting between the sheets, and possibly more, with a gorgeous, delicious, sexy, irresistible young man.

  “I feel like a schoolgirl,” Stacie said, trying to breathe naturally.

  “Good, isn’t it?” Chrissie answered, sounding almost as excited as Stacie did.

  “Definitely. But what happens if he isn’t free?” Stacie asked in panic.

  “Then book him for the following weekend.”

  “But Christmas is looming and everyone is busy.”

  “Stop panicking. Wait till they call you back, then take it from there.”

  Stacie knew Chrissie’s words were wise, but she struggled to calm her racing mind. Again they stared at her bright pink mobile, when suddenly it rang. They froze, looking at it.

  “Well answer it,” Chrissie said aloud.

  “I can’t. What if it’s bad news?”

  “Then we’ll deal with it. Answer the damn thing.”

  Stacie picked the phone up, glancing at Chrissie. She pressed the accept call button and placed it to her ear. “Hello,” she said with difficulty over the nervous lump in her throat.

  “Hello. Is this Stacie?”

  “Speaking,” she said, trying to calm the tremor in her voice.

  “We have contacted Dan, and he says no problem. He can be here from eight on Friday night. Is that okay for you?”

  Stacie sat in shock, her stomach churning in sheer relief. Chrissie’s face showed concern and Stacie let her smile show.

  “That’s great…I mean fine…yes!”

  “I will confirm that with Dan and book you in. We will see you Friday at eight,” said the receptionist, sounding inviting.

  “Thank you,” she said, grinning like a schoolgirl who had her first date.

  She hung up and they began dancing around her lounge skipping like girls in the playground.

  * * * *

  Stacie bounced out of bed on Friday morning. She’d already packed her overnight bag, planning on changing clothes at work before she left for Desires. She didn’t want to turn up in her boring work stuff. She’d packed a killer outfit of a tiny black dress with a plunging neckline, teamed with towering heels. Dan wasn't going to know what hit him. She had a quick shower and grabbed a bit of toast for breakfast, then jumped into her car in good time. She arrived at work early for a change, meriting a sardonic eyebrow lift from her boss.

  She grinned around the office, calling out merry greetings to people. Even a day packed full of dull meetings couldn’t dampen her enthusiasm. She floated through them on a cloud, dreaming of Dan and what they would do that night.

  Then all hell let loose. One of the directors decided it would be a good idea to change the format of the magazine, and called a late meeting. Stacie kept watching the clock. Time ticked away, the hands turning slowly from six o’clock to seven. Nothing was being decided, no one could agree. The editors were arguing with the directors, who were in turn adamant that their way was the best. Eight o’clock came and went with no sign that the meeting was coming to an end.

  Stacie excused herself, nipping to the toilet to call Desires, explaining that she was going to be late. Once again she had to put her social life on hold for her damn job. Stacie wouldn’t mind but the director had nothing to go home to and was a complete spoilt bitch who always managed to get her way with everything, regardless of the consequences. Stacie never had seen eye to eye with her. In fact, she couldn’t stand her. She walked around like everyone else meant nothing, and she had to be centre of attention. Stacie really didn’t know why they bothered holding these stupid meetings as she always won.

  She returned to the meeting, staring at the clock, watching the hands moving, imagining what she could be doing right now to Dan. The hands ticked to nine o’clock. Still nothing had been resolved. Stacie was no longer paying any attention to the damn meeting. As far as she was concerned, what was being said could have waited until Monday. Instead she was sitting here in this dull, dull, dull meeting, when she could be warm in Dan’s arms. Her stomach began to rumble—she hadn’t eaten since breakfast. She’d expected to be wining and dining with Dan now, not listening to people arguing with no conclusion in sight. Suddenly, one of the girls stood up.

  “I’m sorry, but I have to leave.”

  Stacie burst into life, standing up with her, “Yes, I have somewhere I should’ve been almost two hours ago.”

  The boss finally got the meeting moving, suggesting a vote on the issues which had been discussed. Stacie sat back down holding her head in her hands. Surely this could have happened earlier. It was as if they were being punished. The vote was made. No one wanted to change the format, so the director decided to stomp about like a toddler who wasn’t getting her way. Stacie stood up. She wasn't going to spend any more of this evening listening to a spoilt cow having a tantrum.

  “I really have to go,” Stacie told everyone. She collected her bag and left the room, ignoring the director’s stunned expression. Hal
fway down the corridor, she heard the door open. She cringed. Were they going to call her back? She glanced over her shoulder, and saw everyone else streaming out of the room also.

  “Good for you, Stacie,” said one of the other girls. “Thought we were never getting out of there.”

  Stacie ran to the car park, and leaped into the car. There was no time to change, she just wanted to see Dan. She floored it out of the car park, squealing down the road. Her heart skipped about in her chest and she grinned the entire journey.

  She turned the familiar corner and Desires appeared. She pulled into the car park, smiling to see a huge lit Christmas tree outside the porch. Stacie parked her car, then put on the light and checked her reflection in the mirror. She looked tired. It wasn't surprising, it had been a long day. Maybe Dan would wake her up. She collected her overnight bag out the boot of her car and made her way to the main entrance. She punched in the key code and was ready to open the heavy door as soon as she heard it release. She almost skipped down the corridor.

  “Good evening,” Stacie said, approaching the reception desk.

  “Good evening, Miss Clifford. How are you this evening?” asked the receptionist. It was one she hadn’t seen before. This one had blonde hair, tied tightly back. She was wearing a white blouse which plunged at the front, showing her ample boobs.

  “I’m fine, now I’ve finally made it. God, the boss sometimes,” she said. The young woman smiled at her. Another receptionist came from out the back office. It was the one who had come out to talk to her out front after she had stormed off last weekend. She gave Stacie a broad, happy smile which went on for just a little too long.

  “Your bill, Miss Clifford,” she heard the first receptionist say.

  Stacie handed over her credit card. “The feast room is open for delights this evening,” the woman told her as she processed her payment. Stacie noticed the other receptionist lick her lips provocatively. “The booth rooms are both going to be having sessions with couples,” she said, handing Stacie a sheet with the times on it. “The music hall is holding a ball tomorrow evening, wasn’t sure if you are interested in going. And the lounge room is available for pole dancing.”