In Her Words (A St. Skin Novel): a bad boy new adult romance novel

by London Casey

  The words fell on deaf ears. They were swallowed down to the darkest pit of my heart.

  “I don’t want to hurt her,” I said. “Her or the baby.”

  “For a guy that gives his art for a living, you’re pretty fucking selfish,” Tate said.

  Tate stormed out of the bar.

  Pecker walked away.

  I was left alone, unable to even have a goddamn drink.

  That was okay.

  I knew exactly what I had to do next.

  I sat at my desk in St. Skin. No music was playing in my office but the rest of the place was jamming. It was another busy day. It was fucked up how something so big happened in my world but the rest of the world went on as planned.

  I couldn’t get her out of my mind.

  Shit, all three of them.

  Scarlett. Diem. Paisley.

  I was pissed that Scarlett had been pregnant and did nothing to find me. She stole from me, and it wasn’t just the words I wrote the night I met her. Tate had the balls to say I was selfish?

  My pencil ran across the paper feverishly. No, I wasn’t writing lyrics. I wasn’t writing a note either. My days of words were gone. I didn’t have much to say. My expressions came through my art.

  Pausing, I looked to the left. The scribbling on the wall. From the night my life was saved and changed. Yet I had been the hero that night. It was a terrible drawing, at least in my eyes. All I had was a pen, a piece of paper, and a vision. Something I could never let go. So I spent the night drawing that scribbling and I took it with me everywhere I went in life. On the road. In the studio. Into the worst dive bars. Into the highest class parties of rock stars and drugs. And now it was nestled in my office.

  I looked at my reflection in the mirror.

  I looked down at my drawing. It was a picture of Paisley. I had the picture next to me. My mind couldn’t stop racing. I thought by getting the drawing done it would help.

  It wasn’t helping.

  I needed to talk to her. I needed to hear her voice. I needed to hear her words. I needed to hear everything, no matter what it did to me.

  I needed to talk to Diem.

  Diem

  NOW

  I never screened my phone calls because I never had a reason to do so. Anyone that could really give me a good scare in life was already programmed into my phone. That being Jason, my lawyer. Anytime I saw his number I feared the worst.

  Most numbers I didn’t know were of potential clients or clients calling from their home or office.

  I was holding Paisley and grabbing my phone out of my back pocket.

  My day had been crazy busy with three meetings. Two of which were positive and another, a waste of my time. I had dropped Paisley off at daycare and just got her home. I promised myself no work calls for the night, but I needed to make up the loss from Tim’s account.

  “Just one,” I whispered to Paisley. I kissed her forehead and put her down in her swing. “I promise. Just this one.”

  Paisley had no idea what I was saying. Plus, she was determined to finally grab the giraffe that hung from the mobile over her rocker chair and put it in her mouth. The giraffe was attached and would never come off. Don’t tell Paisley that.

  I hurried to swipe and take the call.

  “Hello, this is Diem,” I said.

  “Well, don’t you sound all professional.”

  I froze. I lost all train of thought pertaining to my business. I glanced down at Paisley.

  “Who is this?” I asked, already knowing the answer to the question.

  “Cass.”

  “What do you want?”

  “To figure this out.”

  “Figure what out?”

  “Diem, please. Give me a second.”

  “You’ve had days. And way beyond that.”

  “Let’s not take cheap shots just yet,” Cass said. “I shouldn’t have left like I did before. Anything before that wasn’t me. And there’s not much I can do about it, can I?”

  I gritted my teeth. “I guess not.”

  “I do want to know everything.”

  “Start asking questions.”

  “Darlin’, in person,” Cass said with that touch of bad boy that shook my insides alive. “I can’t do the phone thing. You broke that the second you showed up at my shop.”

  “Are you actually going to meet your daughter?”

  At that exact second, Paisley looked at me. It was eerie how sometimes she almost made me believe she knew what was going on.

  “I would love to meet her,” Cass said. “I just need you to understand what this is for me. I know, that’s selfish to ask. But just do that for a second. Okay?”

  “I can do that. Fair enough. When do you want to do this?”

  “Today,” Cass said. “Right now.”

  “Right now?”

  “If that’s okay.”

  No, it’s not okay. Nothing is okay. Everything is a mess.

  Looking at Paisley, I nodded. “Okay. That’s fine, Cass. But don’t screw this up. Don’t hurt her. She’s the most important thing in the world to me.”

  “I’ll be there soon.”

  “Cass,” I said. “I’m angry too. Over what happened. And I wasn’t even involved that night with you and Scarlett.”

  “I appreciate you telling me that, darlin’,” he said.

  “Hey, how did you get my number?” I asked.

  “Friend of a friend, darlin’,” he said. “Hope you don’t mind.”

  The call ended and I slipped my phone into my back pocket.

  I put my hand to my mouth and felt tears in my eyes.

  In the kitchen, stuffed in the corner was the doughnut box from when Cass came the last time. Maybe it wasn’t the greatest gesture in the world, but it was something. Every time I looked at that box I thought of him. Part of me wanted him to come rushing back. To make everything right. Part of me knew that was probably impossible. But he was Paisley’s father. That was first and foremost. Anything else he wanted to be … to me … for me?

  What exactly in the hell was I doing?

  There was nothing left for me to do but wait for the doorbell to ring. That meant spending almost an entire hour pacing the house, making up stupid chores to do. Anything to keep myself moving, because I sure as hell couldn’t sit and relax. I patiently reminded myself of what had happened the last time Cass came over.

  I really wanted to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. I had seriously taken his life and turned it upside down. But I wasn’t dumping Paisley on him. I wasn’t asking for money or any of that. I just wanted the opportunity to be seen. Just in case something could happen.

  I was biting my nails when the doorbell finally rang.

  I had Paisley in my right arm.

  There was no stopping it now. I wasn’t going to hide her from him. I wasn’t going to gently show him his daughter. This was all or nothing.

  I opened the door and it wasn’t Cass standing there.

  Instead, it was a teenager with black glasses.

  “Pizza,” he said with a grin.

  “I didn’t order …”

  “Order’s paid for,” he said. He showed me the slip. “This is the right address?”

  “Yeah, it’s mine,” I said.

  “Rock n’ roll then. Enjoy your pizza.”

  He handed me a pizza box and turned to walk away.

  Before I could ask who ordered the pizza, I heard something in the distance.

  The rumble of a motorcycle.

  Cass.

  That’s who ordered it.

  I sucked in a breath when I saw the headlight pop up from the horizon.

  Now there really was no escaping it.

  I looked at Paisley. “Well… it’s time for you to meet your father.”

  Cass

  YEARS AGO

  I was somewhere south of Chicago. Not quite a big time tour bus but an upgrade from a broken down van. They were my wheels. We had a driver, too. That left the four of us to sit in
the back and pound beer and whiskey like it was water. We started to play some cards but ended up getting too drunk to remember what we were doing.

  The band had a chance to open on the east coast tour for another band. They were chart toppers, international rock stars. They were called Chasing Cross and anyone with a set of ears knew who they were. We’d be the guys that would open for the opening act, but that didn’t matter. All it took was that one break to make something amazing happen.

  The guys were more like strangers to me than brothers. I couldn’t admit that out loud though. This was about the music. We found each other through a newspaper ad and we went right for the road. We were all talented, but we were still trying to really find our sound. We had Ace as our lead singer. A guy name Dayze as the drummer. Zeke on bass. And me on guitar. I had to fill in all the sound on the guitar parts. It wasn’t easy to do but it was fun. We hit the bar scene hard and Ace had a few contacts in Nashville. Next thing I knew, I was in a country recording studio throwing down heavy rock tracks. I thought we were going to get kicked the hell out but it was well-received. Obviously, we weren’t going to be country stars, but the music mattered.

  Sign this, sign that, smile for the camera, and I had my first record deal. It was for a five song EP and a twenty city tour to push the name hard.

  Zeke finished a beer and crushed the can with his bare hands. “I am a monster,” he growled and swatted the crushed can to the floor.

  The other guys laughed.

  I had a glass of whiskey in front of me. I was doing just fine. Not terribly drunk, but enough to start thinking about life. I had settled in California pretty easily. Just working my way into the wild debauchery of music. I met a woman and fell in love too. She was born and raised right there in the mix of it all.

  I goddamn missed her. She told me not to miss her. She told me not to let someone like her take me off the road. But I missed her. We told each other we loved each other but I didn’t know how true it was.

  “Hey, you falling asleep?” Ace asked me.

  “No,” I said. “I’m wide awake. Ready to play some music. Or go to sleep.”

  Dayze burst into laughter. My little joke wasn’t that funny at all.

  From inside my bag I heard my cell phone going off. It gave me a great excuse to get the hell away from the table and the guys.

  I stumbled to my bag and dropped down to my knees. The little bus was rocking. It was sometimes hard to get used to. But, again, it was better than a van breaking down every ten miles.

  The call was from a girl name B-Loo. She was a strung out former rock star herself. Almost like a mother figure to all of us. I hadn’t heard from her in a while. I figured she was calling to check up on me.

  I was wrong.

  I took the call and heard the emotion in her voice. The second I heard her voice I knew something was very wrong.

  And something was very wrong.

  The woman I loved?

  Her name was Beth.

  She went to a party, got lit up, and left. She insisted she was fine driving but ended up hitting a tree. The tree won the unexpected battle and Beth was gone.

  As B-Loo told me the story, I just remained still. I felt my blood run hot, cold, hot, cold. Every drop of alcohol was quickly absorbed and I was stone cold sober.

  Rising to my feet, I looked at the front of the bus.

  “I’m so sorry, baby,” B-Loo said in a rough voice. “Oh, baby, it’s terrible. I know it’s terrible. It’s tragic. Our girl is gone.”

  “I’m coming home,” I said.

  “Cass, you can’t—”

  I ended the call.

  I looked back and saw the guys at the table, still drinking and trying to figure out a card game.

  I grabbed my guitar and my bag.

  At the front of the bus I told Jon, the driver, to pull over. When he didn’t listen the first time, I grabbed the wheel. That got his damn attention.

  And there I was, in the middle of nowhere, a guitar and a bag, walking a dark road.

  Ace, Zeke, and Dayze all chased me down. I told them what happened to Beth. They all gave a collective oh, fuck sound. They begged me to get back on the bus. They wanted to help me. I wanted nothing to do with them. I loved Beth. I didn’t want to leave her. My demand of instant fame took me on the road with guys I barely knew, guys I’d never know. The band would never make it.

  Every honest thought poured through my mind.

  “So you’re walking back to California?” Zeke asked.

  “I’ll find my way,” I said.

  Those were the last words I spoke to them.

  It took me a day to figure out the logistics to get back to California, but I made it happen. I said goodbye to the woman I loved and the recording contract.

  I didn’t give a shit.

  I vowed right then two things.

  First—I’d never try to build another band.

  Second—I’d never love again.

  Cass

  NOW

  She stood in the doorway holding a pizza and a baby. Of all the things I thought I’d see in my life, I never thought this. Never this. In the back of my asshole mind, I knew it would have been easier to just walk away. I had no ties to any of this. No proof at all. Unless something was brought down by the legal system, it really didn’t matter.

  Only it did matter. My heart was bigger than my asshole side. Go figure.

  I walked up the steps and saw the beautiful baby girl. My beautiful baby girl. My daughter. A life that was created during a night that meant so much to me.

  “Can you grab the pizza?” Diem asked.

  “Sure,” I said.

  I took the pizza and she led the way into the house.

  I saw the back of Paisley’s head. Her thin blonde hair. The way her right hand clutched to Diem’s shirt, trusting the woman. I wondered if Paisley thought Diem was her mother. Or how that would all play out when Paisley grew up.

  It was a disaster.

  I put the pizza box on the dining room table. I took off my leather jacket and draped it over the back of the chair. When Diem turned to face me, I saw her eyes go wide. Her eyes then did a quick spinning trick, looking at me head to toe.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked. “You don’t trust me because I have tattoos?”

  “It’s not that,” she said. “You took your jacket off.”

  “Is there a no-taking-your-jacket-off rule?” I asked with a grin.

  “This is your daughter, Paisley,” Diem said instead.

  I nodded and smiled. I couldn’t help but smile. I reached for the baby and grabbed her little hand. She looked at me funny. Of course she did, she didn’t know me. She didn’t know I was her father. I was just some strange guy. A guy who had missed everything.

  I ran my thumb across her tiny little fingers.

  “Paisley,” I whispered.

  I towered over her and Diem.

  My left hand was at my side. I was close to Diem’s right side.

  “How are you, pretty girl?” I asked Paisley.

  Her big blue eyes just devoured me. Turning my giant rock star tattoo artist biker persona into nothing but mush. Her eyes were Scarlett’s. I’d never let Scarlett go then, would I?

  I moved my hand toward her face. I touched her chubby cheek. She jumped a little.

  My left hand, still dangling at my side, touched Diem’s hand. The moment caught up to me. Standing there with my daughter for the first time ever. Standing with the woman who had taken the role of her mother.

  My hand slid into Diem’s hand. I squeezed tight. I was actually asking her for help. The moment was getting away from me. I was far out of my normal waters.

  “Paisley,” I whispered. “I would have come up with something cooler. You know, something with a little more edge for you, pretty girl. But I—uh …”

  It came crashing down on me.

  I wasn’t fucking there, pretty girl.

  I took my hand from Paisley’s face and took my hand fr
om Diem’s hand.

  I made a straight line for the door.

  Just like last time - I left.

  To be fair, I did stop on the porch. I caught my breath. I knew I couldn’t leave the porch. Get on my motorcycle. Head back to Hundred Falls Valley. Go into St. Skin. Hide behind my tattoos and drawings. Stare at guitars that would never be played again.

  “Cass?”

  I turned and Diem stood at the door. “Where’s Paisley?”

  “She’s in her rocker,” Diem said. She stepped out onto the porch. “What’s—”

  “What do I say to her?” I asked. “Everything was done without me. Her name. Her clothes. Her food. Her habits. Every middle of the night diaper. Every second she spent inside—” Scarlett “—the womb, kicking, punching, never once hearing my voice. I’m just a stranger.”

  Diem touched my arm. Her soft fingertips touching my ink, sending a charge through my body. I made fists, trying to keep my shit under control.

  “You don’t have to be a stranger,” Diem said. “You have every right to be angry, Cass. I can’t say anything about what happened. I’m not going to throw my dead best friend under the bus.”

  Dead best friend. Ouch.

  “I would have been there,” I said. “I would have been there for every appointment. For every little bump in the road. I would have cashed in everything needed to make sure that baby had everything.”

  “I believe you,” Diem said. “I believe you, Cass. Okay? I told her many times to call you. To let you make the decision. But that was Scarlett. That’s how she always was. A complete flight risk, okay? I think I was the only person in the world who could ground her. And even then—it wasn’t for long.”

  Diem tried to back away and my hand shot forward. I grabbed her at her hips. I pulled her so she was just inches from me. I stared down at her. The moment—

  “Okay, darlin’,” I said. “We both have shit with the past. That’s a good thing. But right now the present and future is in your living room, in a chair or swing or jumper or something.”

  “Yeah, that’s right,” Diem said. “Can we go be parents first? Then we can talk about everything that hurts us.”