In Her Words (A St. Skin Novel): a bad boy new adult romance novel

by London Casey

  “Deal,” I said. “Do you have something to drink?”

  “I’m a single mother—technically not even a mother. I run my own business. I live week to week. I have no idea how much time I have left with Paisley. Or if the time will ever come that I get her for good. And even then, that’s a hard decision, isn’t it? So, yeah, I have something to drink, Cass.”

  The conversation ended, but the moment between us didn’t.

  I should have let her go right then and we could have walked into the house together. Instead, I pulled her a little bit closer. I leaned down and kissed her forehead.

  “You’re doing amazing, darlin’,” I whispered. “I swear. You’re doing amazing.”

  I felt Diem’s hands touch my chest. My muscles tightened. Her touch was different than other women. So fucking different. She curled her hands and pushed at me.

  She bit her lips, her eyes flirted with me, and she wiggled herself away.

  That was the exact moment I knew I was really in some deep shit.

  I sat on the floor with Paisley. She was sitting up, grabbing at some plastic toys. She had a little duck in her hand and a ring with keys on it in the other. She would jam the duck’s head into her mouth, look at me, then shake her hand with the keys.

  I hooked my finger around the ring and tugged, smiling as I did so.

  That’s when Paisley smiled at me. For the first time ever.

  Even with a duck head in her mouth, it was maybe the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

  “Give me that ring,” I said. I tugged again.

  Paisley pulled the duck head from her mouth. She smiled bigger and let out a gurgling sound.

  I looked back at Diem. She was sitting on the couch, staring at us. “You see this? She’s got a good grip.”

  “Keep going,” Diem said. “Make her laugh again.”

  I pulled at the keyring and got closer to Paisley. “Let me have this right now.”

  I shook the key ring, making her little arm shake.

  Paisley smiled and actually let out a laugh. It was a quick giggle, but it was real.

  I thought of a new game.

  I leaned on my hand and stuck my legs out. I was just about eye level with Paisley. I used my left hand as though it was a spider. My fingers crooked and on the pink blanket Paisley sat on. I made my hand crawl toward her. She stared at my hand. I paused, bent my fingers, and jumped my hand at her. I touched her sides and gently squeezed. She crunched forward and let out a howling laugh. Spit dribbled from her mouth to my hand.

  I started to laugh.

  Paisley looked right at me.

  “What?” I asked. “What happened?”

  She smiled at me.

  I set my hand up to do the same thing.

  Each time I did it, Paisley would crunch forward and laugh.

  “She loves it,” Diem said. “Just be careful.”

  “Careful of what?” I asked.

  Before Diem could respond, I did the motion again. This time when Paisley crunched forward, she spit up. A warm white goo poured from her little lips all over my hand.

  “Oh, damn!” I cried out.

  I jumped back and grabbed Paisley. I hurried to wipe her mouth clean and looked back at Diem.

  She was laughing at me.

  “What so funny? Is she sick? What did I do?”

  Diem kept laughing. “Cass …”

  “She’s puking. Why are you laughing?”

  Diem slithered off the couch. She walked on her knees toward me. If I wasn’t holding my daughter and I wasn’t covered in puke, it would have been a wild turn on. Diem was fucking sexy and something told me she didn’t know it.

  “Cass, it’s spit up. It happens. You made her laugh too hard. That’s all. She’s not sick. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  I turned toward Paisley again. She already had the duck back in her mouth. The white ooze was everywhere.

  Diem grabbed the blanket and cleaned up Paisley first. She grabbed my right hand and pulled it from Paisley. She smiled as she wiped the spit up off my hand.

  “You’re loving this,” I said.

  “Yeah, I kind of am,” Diem said. “I won’t lie.”

  “Thanks.”

  Diem rolled the corner of the blanket up. “She spits up all the time. You didn’t do a thing wrong. You were making her laugh. Keep enjoying it, Cass.”

  I reached out and touched Diem’s cheek. “Thanks, darlin’.”

  I lifted my daughter up and cradled her in my arms. She had that sweet and soft baby smell, but it was also mixed with the tangy smell of her formula. And there was something else that stunk.

  “Oh, you smell, pretty girl,” I said.

  Paisley dropped the duck and reached for my face. Her little fingers went right for the scruff on my face. She pulled, trying to figure out what it was.

  She got a good handful and pulled hard, making me jump.

  “Whoa,” I said.

  “She’s brutal,” Diem said. “I can’t wear earrings anymore. She’ll grab them. Tear them out.”

  I looked at Diem. “You don’t need earrings, darlin’. You look fine just the way you are.”

  Color flushed Diem’s cheeks.

  Yeah, I was already crossing a dangerous line, but that was just my nature. For all Diem had done for Paisley and me, she deserved to know how special she was.

  “Speaking of brutal,” I said. “This smell …”

  “You’re up,” Diem said.

  “I’m changing her?”

  Diem nodded. “I’ll go get the diaper and wipes.”

  Now I was in uncharted waters again.

  Diem told me to put Paisley on her back. I opened the baby’s little buttoned outfit. I ripped the diaper open and felt like I got punched in the nose.

  “You want to wipe down,” Diem said. “Wipe away from—you know …”

  “I get it,” I said. “Oh, I get it.”

  I used the diaper to clean up what I could get at. I lifted Paisley’s little legs and backside off the floor. Diem handed me a wipe and I started to clean up her butt.

  My hands were shaking.

  A man that played for how many hundreds of thousands of fans? A man who got one chance to make a tattoo perfect?

  Yet changing a diaper had me rattled.

  Not to mention when Paisley decided to twist her hips and wiggled away. She got away for a split second, slamming her butt down into the dirty diaper.

  “No,” I said. “Oh, pretty girl, what are you doing to me?”

  “Entertaining me,” Diem said.

  I glanced at her. “Cut it. This isn’t fair.”

  “Oh, it’s fair,” Diem said. “On the job training. Get used to it.”

  I got Paisley cleaned up and the dirty diaper away from where she could make another mess. I put the fresh diaper down and did a decent job getting it on the baby.

  By the time I was done, I was sweating. I felt like I had been interrogated for murder or something.

  I leaned back against the couch and let out a long sigh.

  Diem leaned forward and was making Paisley giggle. I couldn’t help but stare as she had her ass stuck high in the air. You could take me away from the rock star and tattoo lifestyle but you couldn’t take that out of me. I was a man. With plenty of needs. But this wasn’t just about sex. This was a beautiful woman doing a beautiful thing.

  It was hard to figure out, but it really meant a lot to me.

  Okay, fine, she also had a really nice ass. Pressing against her black pants. So firm and round. The palms of my hands tingling, wondering what it’d be like to hold that ass as I was behind her …

  “I think it’s time for bed,” Diem said.

  I caught her catching me looking at her ass.

  We didn’t talk about it but her cheeks were apple red again.

  Upstairs, we went into the nursery.

  “So what’s the plan here?” I asked. “How do you do this?”

  “I sit in the chair and
rock her to sleep,” Diem said. “Would you like to do it?”

  “Yes,” I said without hesitation.

  I took the baby from Diem. I put her on the changing table and put her into a fresh outfit. I couldn’t imagine how much clothing and diapers and formula Diem went through in a day. I knew that shit wasn’t cheap either. Anger flooded me again.

  I should have been there. I should have known.

  I got Paisley dressed and I lifted her up. I turned and saw Diem in the pale nightlight of the nursery.

  “You mind if I do this alone?” I asked.

  “Not at all,” she said. “If you need anything, you know where to find me.”

  “Thank you for this, Diem.”

  She stopped at the door. “Thank you, Cass. I hope this isn’t a one-time thing.”

  “It won’t be,” I said.

  Diem left the nursery without saying a word.

  I looked down at Paisley.

  “It won’t be,” I whispered to my daughter. “I’ll figure this out, pretty girl … I swear on my life.”

  Diem

  NOW

  I stood in the hallway for a few seconds. It was a little surreal to think that Cass was in the nursery with Paisley. It was a little tough to swallow too. Not that Paisley would be old enough to remember him if he decided to take off. But I would remember. Maybe that was a lot of pressure to throw at a man, but Cass did this. He slept with Scarlett, knowing the risk of pregnancy. Again, if it were me …

  I swallowed the thought away.

  The last thing I needed to do was think about me and Cass in bed together.

  Exhaling, I walked to the steps and went downstairs. I had intentions and they were waiting at the other end of a baby monitor. Maybe it was wrong, but whatever. I wanted to hear if Paisley started to cry.

  I turned on the switch and heard the sexy roughness of Cass’s strong voice.

  “ … and that’s about it, pretty girl.”

  My heart gushed that he called Paisley pretty girl.

  “I can’t promise the world to you, but I can promise my world. You’ll never understand how lucky you are right now. It’s pretty tough out there in the world, pretty girl. But it’s also pretty tough right here. I know you can’t control how you feel but if you could find a way to take it easy on Diem, that would be great. She seems like a really great woman. She loves you. Wow, does she love you. You’re lucky she was there … the night your …”

  Cass, don’t say it.

  “… if it were me, I don’t know what would have happened. I’ll always tell you the truth. I’m probably the last choice in the world to be someone’s father. But you’re mine, pretty girl. I will find a way to fix all this. Make this work.”

  There was silence.

  Then a shuffling sound.

  I pressed another button on the monitor and the screen turned on.

  I watched as Cass stood there, rocking Paisley. He placed her down in the crib. He touched her tiny head, which looked even smaller compared to the size of his large hand.

  “Sleep tight, pretty girl,” he whispered.

  He left the nursery.

  I hurried to shut off the monitor.

  Something inside me was going wild. Things I was starting to feel I wasn’t sure if it was right or not.

  I had this wild urge inside me. Almost like a fantasy. One where Paisley’s father put her to sleep before he came down the stairs to comfort me. To hold me. To touch me. To tell me everything was going to be okay. To make me feel alive and feel like a woman.

  Cass appeared at the bottom of the stairs.

  I looked at him and it hit me hard.

  I wanted him.

  “I, uh, probably should go,” Cass said as he grabbed his leather jacket. “I don’t want to overstay my welcome.”

  “No,” I said. “You wanted to talk.”

  “How about one thing at a time,” he said. “I just put my daughter to sleep for the first time. I want to carry that moment for a bit. I don’t want to go back in time just yet, darlin’.”

  What about me? What if I want to go back in time?

  I nodded. “I get it.”

  “I meant what I said,” Cass said.

  I gasped, thinking he knew the monitor was on.

  “What?”

  “You’re doing a great job. Everything you’re doing. I can’t even imagine what you’ve gone through. I’m going to make it right. I don’t know how to do that yet.”

  “I don’t need anything to be right,” I said. “What’s done is done. I just need to know where things are going.”

  “I’m going to take off,” he said. “I’m going to see you tomorrow, darlin’. I’m going to see my daughter. That I can tell you.”

  “Are you sure you have to go?”

  “Yes,” he said so fast. “Do you want to know why?”

  “I’m afraid.”

  Cass moved toward me. He reached out and touched my face. “You should be afraid. I owe you a lot, Diem. I plan on making good on that.”

  There was silence.

  A wicked silence.

  Our eyes locked tight in silence.

  I wanted to kiss him. I wanted him to kiss me.

  I felt us gravitating closer by the second. I could smell his shirt and skin. I could smell Paisley on him. He was driving me mad. His thumb stroked my cheek. He lowered his head closer to mine.

  “Diem, I need you to take care of yourself too,” he whispered. “I’m not going anywhere. This will make sense.”

  “Okay,” I said. “I’m terrified in all of this too, Cass.”

  He moved down some more and brushed his lips to my cheek. “Get some sleep, darlin’. I’ll be in touch tomorrow.”

  He broke away from me.

  That kiss on the cheek was enough for tonight.

  But it wouldn’t be enough for forever. I craved more … so much more.

  And I got it.

  Maybe not in the way I deeply wanted, but Cass held true to his word. He showed up to see Paisley every single day. He fed her, changed her, bathed her, read her stories at bedtime. He watched mindless cartoons, played with toys that did nothing exciting, and even took her for walks. The sight of his massive tattooed arms pushing a little stroller was beyond sexy.

  Then, one day he showed up with a guy named Axel who was driving a black pickup truck. The back was filled with stuff for Paisley. Everything from diapers, wipes, clothes, to formula.

  He showed me the container. “Is this the right one? I took a picture of it last time I was here.”

  “Yeah …”

  Cass showed me ten containers of formula.

  “Cass. Those are like almost thirty dollars each.”

  “Doesn’t matter,” he said. He pointed to Axel. “Get all this inside for her, brother. Thank you.”

  He left me speechless, in tears, always there to wipe the tears away and hug me. The kisses on my cheek became seriously frequent and sometimes dangerously close to slipping to my lips. I gripped his shirt tight when we touched, my fingers tempted to explore all the wild muscle and ink that was packed under his shirt.

  We met at a park one afternoon and he spent two hours pushing Paisley in a swing, doing whatever was necessary to make her laugh.

  It got to the point where I woke up and grabbed for my cell phone, smiling. I waited for his text or call. Waiting to see what he would do next for Paisley. I knew being a father wasn’t just about giving things. But he was really giving his time. He was consistent and he was in love with his daughter.

  For me, it came as a bittersweet thing.

  I was so happy for Paisley. And for Cass. Father and daughter forming that special bond. The bond that I had ripped away from me one night. Maybe that’s why I had wanted this so bad. Because when I lost my father, it was for good. One day he was there, the next he wasn’t.

  But as happy as it was, when I saw Cass and Paisley, it was just another reminder of Scarlett. All that she had lost. The wild child turned wild wo
man. The one who lived on the edge and was taken way too soon in life. The saddest part was that, for as wild as Scarlett lived, it wasn’t her fault the way her life came to an end.

  Everywhere I looked it was Scarlett.

  Even when we left the park and Cass got Paisley into her car seat and he faced me, eyes locked to me. For a split second I felt like he thought he was looking at Scarlett.

  “Thank you for meeting me,” he said, stroking my cheek like he always did.

  Then he kissed my cheek.

  I quickly invited him over for dinner but he had business. That was probably for the better. I felt like we were better off, not really alone together. My feelings weren’t straight. His eyes were captivating and evil in the most lust-filled ways ever.

  Two nights later was when he really did something that shocked me.

  Paisley was asleep and he was leaving. He asked me to walk with him to his motorcycle. I was the dork in high school and adult life, so having a hunky bad ass tattooed guy ask me to follow him to his motorcycle, I did so with my tongue hanging out like a drooling fool.

  I had my eyes on the house and I had the baby monitor jammed in my back pocket. I had my glasses on too. I was just every hot guy’s dream, huh?

  Cass stood at his motorcycle and opened a leather pouch. “I know this isn’t much, darlin’. But I hope it means something to you.”

  Cass handed me an envelope. I opened it and there was a hand drawn picture of Paisley. I gasped when I saw it.

  “I drew it the day I took off,” he said. “I went back to St. Skin and sat there, drawing Paisley from the picture you gave me.”

  “Cass, this is beautiful.”

  “Just so you know that I wasn’t bolting that first day. It was just—”

  “I know,” I said. “It’s hard. This whole thing is.”

  “It’s got to be hardest for you,” Cass said.

  I looked right at him. “Yeah.”

  It meant the world he acknowledged me like that.

  “There’s something else in there,” Cass said.

  Sure enough, there was something else. A gift card with a really high amount written on it.

  “What is this?”

  Cass touched my face. “Darlin’, this is for you. Do something for yourself. Buy something. Treat yourself. I didn’t know what else to do here. It’s not a bribe or my buying something from you, okay? I just know you’ve been so focused on Paisley …” Cass cleared his throat. “I want you to think about coming down to Hundred Falls Valley and seeing my place. I’d like to have her there. You could get a break.”