Chaperoned

by Dora Heldt

  “But what about the address? And his interest in Marleen? And his pictures of the guesthouse?”

  “He explained all that.”

  “Not properly.” My despair obstinately refused to be assuaged. I saw the faces of Gisbert, Kalli, and my father in front of me, the cell phone display with the photos, and again and again, Johann’s face as he was sleeping. Overcome with anger, I threw my coffee spoon over toward the sink. It fell on the floor next to it. “Why do I always have such bad luck with men?”

  “Christine.” Dorothea bent over and picked up the spoon. “You’re behaving like a fourteen-year-old. Even if Johann isn’t an angel, at least you had a wonderful night with him. When was the last time you had sex? Two years ago? I’d say it was about time.”

  I couldn’t think of an answer. It had been two and a half years. Dorothea took my silence as an agreement.

  “You see. You’re letting our band of old men warp your brain. Thiess a con man, I just don’t believe it, not for a moment. Talk to him again. He really is quite sexy you know.”

  Maybe Dorothea was right, perhaps I had let Gisbert and Heinz get to me too much, but Johann really wasn’t acting like a man who’d just fallen for someone. Or at least, not in the way I’d expected.

  At that moment, Marleen knocked on the window. Dorothea opened it.

  “Is Christine here? I’ve been looking for her everywhere. Oh, there you are. You’ve really smeared your mascara with those eyedrops—you look dreadful.”

  Dorothea looked at me. “Eyedrops?”

  “Yes, she had conjunctivitis and Heinz got her some eyedrops.” Marleen stopped and looked at Dorothea, who was trying to stifle her giggles. “What’s so funny about that? Anyway, Christine, did you know that Johann is checking out? He just paid and said he’s going to the Georg Hotel, and that you can reach him there if you want to.”

  “Forget it.” My rage was replaced by disappointment. “You see,” I said to Dorothea.

  Marleen looked back and forth between Dorothea and me.

  “Can someone please explain what’s going on? And what happened with Johann Thiess and Kalli and Hubert?”

  I didn’t have a clue. “Why?”

  “When he was at reception, Kalli and Hubert walked past the window, and he hid from them.”

  Dorothea grinned. “This gets crazier every minute. Perhaps Kalli was armed.”

  I remembered what Johann had told me. “Kalli spied on him; he was taking turns with Gisbert. I guess Johann didn’t want to run into him.”

  Dorothea burst into a fit of giggles. “Kalli a spy? My God, it’s like the Wild West here and I don’t have a clue what’s going on.”

  “Yes, because all you can think about is Nils, and because you cleared off to Juist together.” It annoyed me that Dorothea was so amused by my problems. “And now you’re just laughing about it.”

  Dorothea still looked cheerful. “You’re right. But I’m offering my services now to make up for it. Maybe I can help contribute to a solution, do a bit of spying here and there, or even carry out some executions? All in the service of his majesty…”

  “What’s going on here?” My father appeared next to Marleen and stared through the window. “His majesty who?”

  Dorothea bowed. “Your majesty, King Heinz, and Prince Gisbert von Meyer of course. I want to hunt criminals too.”

  “Don’t be silly. This is men’s business, don’t get involved. We’re done over there, so you can clean now.”

  “At your command, my Heinz. Come on, Christine, let’s polish the old hut until it sparkles; that’ll be a good distraction.”

  My father leaned over. “Are your eyes still bad?”

  I stood up and put my cup in the sink. “No, Dad, the eyedrops helped, thank you. I’m coming.”

  He waited for me by the door and looked at me searchingly.

  “You’re sad, aren’t you?”

  I bit my lip and shook my head.

  “Well, if I can do anything…”

  He smiled shyly. He really could be sensitive at times.

  “Love you, Dad.”

  I kissed him on the cheek and went off to do the cleaning.

  The Detectives

  * * *

  I sat in the lounge chair, gazing at my wrinkled hands and waiting for the others. It was just before eight, we’d finished with the work, and unlike Marleen, Dorothea, and Gesa, I couldn’t be bothered to get changed and freshen up. It had been a crazy day. That morning I’d felt wonderful, then Gisbert the Destroyer had turned up at midday, and now everything lay in shattered pieces. Johann was gone, I was miserable, the girls were trying to comfort me, and the band of retirees were planning his demise. I didn’t need to dress up for that. I didn’t care anymore anyway.

  Marleen, dressed in a fresh pair of jeans and a white T-shirt, with her hair still damp from the shower, sat down opposite me.

  “I’m so happy we’ve got everything done. The furniture will be here early tomorrow around eight. I still have to pop to the bank, I couldn’t get an appointment at another time, but you’ll all be there anyway. And I’ll be back around eight thirty. Are you even listening to me?”

  “What?” Hearing the word “bank” had made me think of Johann. If he even was a banker, that is. Maybe that had been a lie too. “Of course I’m listening to you. You said we have to go to the bank tomorrow.”

  “Christine!”

  But had he lied to me? When I thought about it, he’d actually just been evasive. But, no matter, no man who’d just fallen for someone would act like that.

  “Yes?”

  Marleen gave me a scrutinizing look. “You’re not listening to me. Your thoughts are clearly elsewhere, and I have a good idea where. So I’m going to tell you something before the boys turn up. I don’t believe a word of all this. Johann is a nice guy, and perhaps he has a few things he needs to sort out, but they certainly don’t have anything to do with rich old women. I’m quite a good judge of people too, you know. Think about it, he’s on holiday, then suddenly people get suspicious of him and he starts getting followed by a few old men like in some bad movie. I mean, come on. And then you start acting strangely too. I think he’s really smitten with you, and—”

  “Who’s smitten?” My father’s voice sounded friendly, but dangerously so. Marleen smiled.

  “Heinz, there you are. I was just saying I think Gisbert is smitten with Christine. He’s always here, and…”

  My father sat down next to me and rubbed his hands together in contentment. “Yes, you could be right there. Although, of course, he’s very busy with other things right now. But I agree that he seems to have a soft spot for my daughter, yes. That’s why he wants to protect her from this criminal.”

  To reinforce his words, he put his arm around my shoulders and gave me a quick squeeze.

  “Tell me, Heinz,” Marleen’s tone was sugary sweet, “isn’t it possible that Gisbert is making the man Christine likes out to be a criminal precisely for that reason?”

  “Nonsense.” My father pulled his arm away abruptly. “There’s no need for him to do that.”

  I coughed before a despairing laugh could overpower me. Marleen shook her head resignedly, just at the moment when Gisbert rode into the courtyard. He had a small trailer attached to his moped with a crate of beers on it.

  “Well at least he’s bringing something for once. Usually he just drinks here for free.”

  “Marleen,” my father hissed at her quietly. “If there’s one thing I hate, it’s petty women. You’ll be grateful to him soon for everything he’s doing.”

  He stood up and walked over to greet him. Marleen leaned over.

  “Look, little Gisbert can’t get the box off of the trailer and Heinz has his hip problem. This should be fun.”

  Kalli rode in, waved to us, and jumped off his bike. My father took it from him and propped it neatly against the wall.

  “Kalli, get that crate of beer from the trailer, will you? I’m getting the glasses
. Gisbert, come on, sit down.”

  Gisbert’s hair had gone wild. It waved in the wind as he took the helmet off. He puffed out his chest and walked over to me with a beaming smile.

  “Christine, you look great. May I?”

  “Heinz is sitting next to Christine.” Marleen was quicker to react than I was. “Why don’t you fetch a folding chair from the garage?”

  He pouted, but went off and got two chairs. Kalli, who was hauling in the crate of beer, thanked him.

  My father came back, accompanied by Gesa, who was carrying a tray with glasses, and Hubert, who had bottles of water. Hubert sat down next to me and looked at Gesa. “We need another couple of folding chairs. Where’s Carsten? Is he bending Dorothea’s ear again?”

  “They’ll be here in a moment.” Gesa handed out the glasses, then fetched the chairs.

  “I saw them a moment ago. Look, here they are.”

  “Evening.” Carsten came over and sat down. “Nils, fetch the bench from the restaurant, will you? It looks messy with all these folding chairs. I know how fussy you are with furniture. Dorothea, you sit next to me. Kalli can help Nils.”

  I felt the burning need to be alone. To go and sit somewhere on the beach, smoke a cigarette, look out to sea, and think about unrequited love.

  At that moment, my father jumped up, making his lounge chair wobble.

  “Can we start? This isn’t supposed to be a party, you know!”

  “Quite right.” Gisbert looked up at my father. “We have a mission to plan.”

  Kalli opened the beer bottles and passed them out.

  “Where are Frau Klüppersberg and Frau Weidemann-Zapek?”

  “Kalli.” Dorothea still hadn’t grasped the seriousness of the situation. “You heard the man, we’re not having a party here.”

  Kalli went red. “But I didn’t mean…I thought they wanted…oh, never mind. Would anyone else like a beer?”

  Gisbert cleared his throat and stood up. He smoothed out a piece of paper and looked around him. “So, we’re all here. I’d like to—”

  “No, now we’re all here.” Onno appeared, giving Gisbert an annoyed look before putting a chair down next to mine. He leaned over.

  “The do-gooder is getting on my nerves. He always forgets about me.”

  I was amazed. The usually so quiet Onno was finally rebelling.

  Gisbert ignored Onno and started to speak. “Ladies and gentlemen, first of all I’d like to read you my article, which will appear in the local paper tomorrow:

  “We’ve discovered from a reliable source that island residents and their guests—and especially the female ones—have been protected from a great danger. On their very first operation, a daring army of heroes managed to arrest a marriage con man wanted by Interpol. After days of investigations and life-threatening stakeouts, the brave men succeeded in backing the shrewd criminal into a corner. This very day, the subject will be escorted off the island of Nordeney. The police, who seem overstretched by everyday offenses here, will welcome the spirit of this plucky home guard, which formed itself so selflessly. Further information about the arrest and details of the search will be set out here tomorrow. GvM.”

  He folded up the piece of paper and smiled triumphantly. “Well?”

  “Interpol?” Marleen was holding back her laughter.

  “Home guard?” Nils was grinning openly.

  “Life-threatening stakeouts?” Dorothea chimed in.

  Hubert didn’t have a clue what was going on. He looked from one person to another. “Could someone please shed some light on all this for me?” he eventually asked. “I thought he was still on the loose? And why haven’t you notified the police?”

  “The police! They want evidence.” Gisbert turned to face him. “This is investigative journalism. That way the reader can feel part of what’s happening. And besides, it’ll increase circulation for the day after tomorrow.”

  “Yes, but where’s the criminal at the moment?”

  “In the Georg Hotel. Trying to catch his prey.” Gisbert looked impatient. “We’ll catch him tomorrow. With the help of Mechthild and Hannelore.”

  My father signaled for Gisbert to sit down. He obeyed.

  “Gisbert, you’re not explaining it very well. It’s like this, Hubert: There was a guest staying here who I noticed right away to be a little strange. He had deceitful eyes, and there was just something about him. Then he started chatting up my daughter and—”

  “Dad, that’s not quite true, I—”

  He interrupted me. “Christine, let me speak. Sorry Hubert, she’s still a little in shock. Anyway, then he started bothering Marleen—”

  “Heinz, please! Don’t talk nonsense.”

  Even Marleen’s interjection was waved aside as my father continued: “And he was taking photos of the guesthouse. He was behaving very suspiciously, and then suddenly disappeared for two days. I guess he noticed we were keeping a close eye on him. Then, suddenly, he was back. We kept watch, but discreetly, and then bam! The guy got complacent and we caught him in the act. Here’s the proof; Gisbert, give me your cell phone.”

  He stretched his hand out, and Gisbert laid the phone in it like a baton. My father started pressing the buttons.

  “Do you know how…?” asked Gisbert.

  “Of course I do. I’m great with technology.”

  Heinz held the cell phone at arm’s length and continued to press the keypad. I remembered seeing his glasses back in the apartment, but he seemed to have everything in control.

  “Oh!” My father showed me the phone. “What does that say? Christine?”

  I looked at the display and saw the words “Delete Photos.”

  “You just have to press Okay.”

  I didn’t want to see those photos ever again.

  Hubert was disappointed not to be able to see a photo of a real-life con man. And he still looked confused. Gisbert was cross, but didn’t dare shout at my father. So as punishment, he refused to take a beer. Hubert rested his chin on his hand.

  “So the photos were of him? Propositioning a woman?”

  “Yes.” Gisbert nodded enthusiastically. “I caught him in the act.”

  Marleen’s voice sounded annoyed. “Oh, nonsense. The pictures were of a young man with an older lady, and she was touching his hair and hands a little familiarly. He couldn’t exactly have slapped her hands away, could he? But Gisbert has a mind of his own.”

  Hubert nodded. “And what about the address? How do you know it was false?”

  “We checked. We have contacts in Bremen,” explained my father proudly. “There was no nameplate at the address he gave in his name.”

  “He said he’s only just moved to Bremen and that the building manager hasn’t had time to put the sign up yet.” I had to defend him a little, at least.

  My father clearly didn’t agree. “That’s a rubbish excuse. No one would believe that.”

  “Bremen.” Hubert was thinking. I had the feeling he wanted to know more.

  “He was in Cologne before that. With his aunt.”

  Hubert shook his head. “It is strange. If he really is a con man, you can’t just stand by and watch. How are you planning to catch him?”

  Gisbert, who was looking red and blotchy again, pitched in. “Mechthild Weidemann-Zapek and Hannelore Klüppersberg, two ladies who are on holiday here, are going to the bar of the Georg Hotel tomorrow. I’ve supplied them with a Dictaphone, and they’re going to lead the gigolo right into a trap. Then I’ll hand the tape and the photos over to the police. And of course I’ll be there at the arrest to report exclusively about it.”

  Hubert nodded. “Respect to you.”

  A whimper came from Dorothea’s direction. Nils was staring at Marleen in disbelief. My father pressed my arm, giving me a reassuring smile.

  “Gisbert?” I asked. “What photos?” I waited to see if the do-gooder would answer my question.

  He stopped short and looked first at me, then my father, then his phone. “The phot
os? Oh, yes. Well never mind, the tape will be enough. Although…I was thinking of going back to the hotel to watch anyway. After all, I am responsible for the ladies.”

  I’d had enough, and stood up. “I’m going to bed. Have fun on your stakeout. And make sure you don’t make fools of yourselves. I don’t want to have to explain to my mother that her husband is sitting in jail because of disturbing the peace or trespassing.”

  My father reached for my hand and held it between his. “Don’t worry, Chrissie, we’re the good guys. Sleep well.”

  I nodded to the others and pushed past various pairs of knees.

  Marleen stood up and followed me for a bit. Once we were out of hearing range, she said, “I don’t know why we’re getting so worked up about this, but I’m going to tell them what I think in a moment anyway. Otherwise Hubert will believe everything they’re saying. Come on, chin up, I still think it’s all complete nonsense. We’ll have a quiet word tomorrow when everything’s sorted out, okay?”

  “Of course.” I made an effort to smile at her and went over to the apartment.

  My cell phone hadn’t beeped once. And the nickname Pookie for an older woman was absolutely laughable.

  Motherly Advice

  * * *

  My father knelt down on the floor in front of Johann and held a piece of cake toward him. My father’s expression was one of guilt, Johann’s of indifference. I sat in the middle of a group of onlookers and crossed my fingers in desperation, hoping against hope that Johann would give the right answer. My father kept on and on at him.

  “I really don’t know…” the picture blurred, and my father’s voice became clearer, “…what I should do. I’m really out of practice with this, and besides, I’ve got no idea what to do for a broken heart. What would cheer her up?”

  I opened my eyes, erasing the rest of the scene in the process. My father was talking on the phone in the hallway.

  “She used to really like chicken and chips. Perhaps Marleen could… Yes, I know the opening’s tomorrow. What? Well, whenever I’m unhappy, good food really helps. It was just an idea. What about if I buy her something pretty? Well, like something to wear… No? Oh, then I don’t know what to do.”