Elemental Fear

by Ada Frost

  When I re-entered the kitchen for dinner Louise had returned and I could tell she’d been crying. She sat slumped in a chair opposite dad twisting her phone around in her lap as if willing it to ring. “Hey sis, you okay?” I asked sitting beside her.

  She looked up at me with red rimmed eyes and the jolt to my chest nearly incapacitated me, the total anguish on her face nearly destroyed me. I reached out my hand and pulled her to her feet dragging her to my room, mum and dad didn’t say anything I think they realised now was not the time.

  I pulled her through the door behind me and closed it, then I pulled her to sit beside me on the bed. “Right tell me what’s wrong.”

  She burst into tears and buried her head in my lap, sobbing loudly. I waited it out, letting her cry because the state she was in there was no way she would be able to speak, or at least make coherent speech. I stroked her hair; she had the softest chestnut hair. We had practically the same colour hair but where as mine had natural curl hers was enviously straight.

  Her sobs slowed down and she started taking steadying breaths.

  “Are you ready to tell me now?”

  She looked at me and her face crumpled again and tears rolled down her face, this was far beyond a boyfriend dumping her, and frankly she was beginning to scare me. Thoughts of Elliott touching her started to seep into my mind, maybe I had failed in my task to save her from him.

  “Lou, talk to me. You are scaring me now.”

  “He...he...he.” She took a deep breath and started again, my heart stopped, my chest ached and I dreaded the words that would eventually pour out of her mouth. “Darren finished with me, he...I had something to tell him and when I did he...oh God he called me so many horrible names Eve. I feel sick. I loved that fucking bastard, and he goes and dumps me, what a shitty arsehole.” She gasps.

  I couldn’t help it I smiled at her barrage of names and the relief that spread through my body “not so bad on the name calling yourself sis”

  She looked up at me and smiled weakly.

  “Why? I mean what did you tell him that – oh God you didn’t cheat on him did you?” I asked not really believing she would ever do such a thing.

  “What! Shit Eve, thanks very much, no. I. Did. Not. Cheat! For fuck sake what is it with people?”

  “Okay sorry, did he then?”

  She laughed humorlessly and shook her head. “He accused me of it when I told him, but I didn’t, like I said I was a moron and loved the bastard.”

  “Lou make sense!”

  She turned and again her face crumpled into tear agony “I'm pregnant.”

  “What?”

  She nodded “yep, you heard. I'm pregnant. And –“

  “The bastard DUMPED you!” I shouted.

  “Whoa, Evie-beevie watch the language.” She mocked.

  “Seriously, he just...he said it was over because you’re pregnant?” Louise just nodded sadly.

  “Well bugger me.” I gasped.

  “What the hell am I going to do? mum and dad will go mental, what if –“

  “mum will not go mental, dad might with Darren’s reaction but they will understand. mum’s been there remember.” I lifted my hand and stroked her tear soaked hair away from her face.

  She nodded “I never thought this would happen to me. And more than that I really thought he loved me, I thought...” She bowed her head and stared at her hands in her lap “he said I was a lying slapper, Eve, he called me some really horrible names. I don’t know where the anger came from but it seriously scared me.”

  My heart sank at my baby sister fearing the man she loved; I knew all too well what demons could lurk within some personalities. And I hated that she was finding out the man she loved was breaking her heart, but I felt an affinity to her with regards to finding out the darkness within him. I once was naive and opened myself to a man who destroyed my faith in ever being loved again.

  “Maybe it is better you found out now, rather than later.” I said quietly.

  She nodded in agreement “well it’s over now so...” She trailed off with a shrug of her shoulders.

  “Maybe once he’s calmed down he will apologise and –“

  “He can apologise till he’s blue in the face, that dickhead does not talk to me that way and think I will go back to him.” She protested adamantly.

  “But I thought you loved him?”

  “Yeah and clearly he doesn’t love me.” She snapped.

  “Okay Lou, I'm on your side remember.” I said putting my arms around her and hugging her tight to me.

  A soft knock came at the door and mum slowly opened it. She opened it fully and dad stood with his hand on her waist and one resting on the doorframe above his head.

  “So...” mum started in a soft voice. “When do we become grandparents?”

  Louise dissolved into loud sobs again and hid her face in my jumper.

  “Lou-Lou come here” mum said on a breathy cry. “I know it seems like the end of the world right now, but we love you and we will support you through this.” She held my sister who had thrown herself into mum’s arms.

  “I'm sorry.” Lou sobbed.

  “Whoa, no I'm not hearing that sweetheart, this is our grandkid. He or she will be loved so much, with or without Darren. You hear me?”

  “How did you know?” Lou sniffed.

  mum laughed “I'm your mother, I notice when my girls suddenly stop having periods. When the sanitary products in a house full of girls suddenly stopped being used it’s a dead giveaway. Your dad assumed Eve, she’s been so quiet and withdrawn from us but then you started acting all emotional and secretive, then the upset stomach kind of gave you away. I’ve just been waiting for you to come to me.”

  “You’re not mad.” Lou stated rather than questioned.

  “I would have preferred to see you married or at least settled down first but God brings us these little miracles for a reason.”

  “Yeah, to show us why contraception is a good thing.” Dad said dryly from the door. I laughed and

  mum sent him a seething look. He held up his hands “just saying”

  “He’s right; it was a stupid mistake to make.” Lou whispered.

  “You’re mum wouldn’t let me near her without a –,” he said pointing his finger at us.

  “Dad!” we both shrieked simultaneously before he could finish.

  “I cannot believe you just said that. I think you may have traumatised our girls.” mum said to him with a smile on her face.

  He winked and left the room. mum kissed Lou on the head and leaned over to kiss my cheek. “I love you both” then she smiled “now all three of you, come on dinner is ready”

  My baby sister was having a baby, what a strange day it had been today.

  Chapter 7

  I passed the living room I smiled and waved at my little sister playing with her jigsaws on the carpet. “Hey sweetie.”

  “Lou is having a little baby.” She beamed at me “it’s in her tummy but we have to wait for it to pop out.”

  I laughed and nodded at her.

  “Have you got one too?” She asked giving a curious glance at my stomach. “I haven’t got one in mine, and I asked mummy but she said she hasn’t got one either.”

  I smiled but the thought of a baby, Elliott’s baby growing inside me made me feel ill. I could barely protect myself from him let alone an innocent child. “No I don’t have a baby in my tummy.”

  “Can you get one? I want mummy to put one in her tummy so I can have a baby brother. I’d like a brother.” She said her sweet little sing song voice making me feel happy inside

  “Have you had your toast?” I asked trying to steer the conversation before the dreaded ‘how do babies get in your tummy’.

  “Not yet.”

  I held out my hand “come on then titch lets go get some breakfast.” Just as we were leaving the living room Louise came out of the bathroom, her complexion pale and ghostly, her eyes were red rimmed and she seemed unsteady on her feet.
When she lifted her head and spotted Ellie and I standing there she offered a weak smile.

  “Morning.”

  “You okay?” I asked.

  She nodded “Obviously this baby doesn’t like the taste of tea in the morning.”

  “Maybe some apple juice?” I offered a comforting smile.

  She nodded and walked towards us. As she approached, I leaned towards her and gave her a hug.

  As we entered the kitchen mum pulled out a chair for Ellie and placed her toast down then reached behind her for some apple juice. “They say digestive or ginger biscuit sometimes settles your stomach.”

  Lou just shook her head.

  “Is this the first time you’ve felt like this?” I asked Louise.

  “No, it’s been like this for a few days now; it’s the first time I've actually been sick though. That’s what made me take a test.” She flushed red when she caught dad’s gaze. “And why do they call it morning sickness, I feel shi...rubbish most of the day.”

  mum smiled “Yeah I remember that too, smells used to set me off, especially if I went near a bakery. Oh and tea and coffee were a definite no no! Once it goes though it’s wonderful to feel a life growing inside of you.”

  “Hmm.” Louise mumbled.

  “mummy?” Ellie interrupted with a mouthful of toast “Yes?”

  “Can you put a brother in your tummy for me please?” She asked in the sweetest voice. “Maybe ask Santa to bring one for Christmas, he brought me my dolly for being a good girl”

  We all laughed at her sweet little question.

  “Sweetheart Santa doesn’t bring real babies only toys.” mum said in a soft voice petting her on the head.

  “Who puts them in your tummy then?” Ellie asked with a frown.

  “Erm...” Dad offered uselessly.

  “I can’t wait to hear this.” Louise laughed.

  Sharp as a button my little sister turned to Louise a concerned look on her face “Why do you need to listen, you have a baby. Who put your baby in your tummy?” Louise flushed bright red and looked at mum pleading with her eyes.

  “Listen Ellie, babies are made through love. When a daddy and a mummy love one another sometimes that love can create a baby. It’s a special way of...of...showing their love.”

  Ellie pondered this a moment and I could see in her eyes the questions weren’t going to stop there “Okay.” She paused a while “Bethany Giles’ doesn’t have a daddy she has two mummy’s. And Jordan Binks doesn’t have a daddy he just has a mummy and a grandma.”

  “Really?” mum said. “Now eat your toast.”

  “Daddy?” Ellie said in a questioning tone.

  “Yes sweetheart?”

  “Can you tell mummy you love her and put a baby in her tummy I want a brother?”

  Dad smiled and looked at mum. “Maybe, later sweetheart.” He winked at mum and she smiled sweetly, a slight heated blush began rising in her cheeks.

  “Urgh...morning sickness here already thanks.” Louise groaned. I laughed placing my head in my hands.

  We all finished breakfast listening to Ellie ramble on about the different fairies living in her bedroom. It was a nice peaceful breakfast, no interruptions from Elliott.

  I text Dominic to let him know I was ready to leave for work whenever he was ready.

  Morning. Ready to leave when you are x

  A few minutes later he replied:

  Just finishing my coffee

  I smiled, feeling a little giddy. It was ridiculous how such a small amount of contact with him brightened my day. It was apparent that my feelings for Dominic were escalating at a rapid pace and I needed to try and reign them back in. But today I was going to enjoy the freedom from Elliott and this happy buzz.

  I said my goodbyes and headed next door.

  I practically skipped up the steps, I knocked once and went in. With years of living next to one another and practically living in one another’s houses we no longer bothered with formalities of waiting to be invited in. In fact we had keys to one another’s homes so it made no sense really. As I walked into the kitchen I could hear Dominic speaking in a gentle voice and what sounded like a woman crying. I stepped closer to the doorway, remaining out of sight.

  “I just...don’t...understand.” She wailed.

  “Listen to me V.”

  “No, I thought you loved me?” She asked in a whiny voice. “I never said I wanted to get married.” He responded.

  “Dominic do you love me?” She asked through gritted teeth, from here I could hear the annoyance laced with desperation in her voice.

  “I care for you –“

  “Do you love me? Say you love me Dominic. I can wait to get married, we can...I don’t know...we could try living together then get married in a few years.”

  I didn’t hear him reply but it must not have been the one she wanted.

  “Why? Why do you want to give up on us? I love you. We are good together. You...this is just a...we can wait...I can wait.”

  “I don’t want to get married Vanessa, at all – as in never.”

  “Then we won’t I don’t mind –“

  “Yes you do, it’s what you’ve always wanted. Marriage, 2.4 kids a golden retriever, the perfect little family. That isn’t me, I don’t want that.” Dominic stated adamantly.

  “Well I don’t care. As long as I have you I don’t care.” Her voice echoed with fear and anxiety. I imagined her clinging to him.

  “But what kind of man would that make me to deny you those things? You’re thirty five now, you should be getting ready to start a family and I am nowhere near that kind of commitment, I honestly don’t think I ever will be. I don’t see marriage in my future at all.”

  “Okay, well we’ve talked about it now, and I promise not to bring it up again, we can –“

  “No, no it has to end V, I can’t do this to you anymore. You want different things to me, I do care about you –“

  “I don’t want you to care. I want you to love me. It’s just you’ve frozen every woman out because of her –“

  “Don’t start that Vanessa.” He warned “I was honest from the moment we first kissed. I have never mentioned marriage or long term commitment –“

  “We’ve been together for six years! How is that not long term? I admit we started out as friends that occasionally slept together but it became more than that, we became more. You said you loved me. I asked you if you loved me and you said you did.” I heard her voice break into a sob.

  “But don’t you see you shouldn’t have to ask. I...God this is hard...if this was it for me then you wouldn’t need to ask about love, I would spend my days telling you and showing you how much I love you. You need someone that can’t make it a few hours without seeing you, or hearing your voice. You need someone who will make up stupid reasons just to touch you or make you smile because seeing that makes his days brighter. You need a love where the very essence of you is imprinted on his soul and no matter what he does you are with him always. His heart will feel like it beats with the sole purpose of loving you.” His voice had a passionate reverence to it as if he was explaining his darkest secrets.

  “You have that?” She choked out. Again I didn’t hear his response only her soft sobbing. “You feel that way for her. I never had a chance did I? You’ve loved her for so long you can’t let anyone else in.” She said softly. My heart picked up and blood rushed to my ears buzzing with the frenzied flow.

  “You are a perfect woman Vanessa.”

  “Just not the perfect woman for you.” the tone in her voice was definitely a statement not a question.

  “I'm sorry, all I want is for you to be happy.” the sadness in his voice nearly broke my heart. You would think hearing Dominic break up with Vanessa would make me happy, but the pain in both of their voices was crushing. I was almost hyperventilating over the ‘you’ve loved her, for so long – dare I hope?

  “All I want is you.” Her voice was so quiet I barely heard her. A few quiet moments pas
sed and I considered leaving the kitchen and going back outside. Suddenly I heard Vanessa’s heels clicking on the wooden floor towards the kitchen and a surge of panic hit me. I couldn’t be caught listening; I turned and frantically looked for somewhere to go. I scurried to the kitchen pantry and hid in the alcove waiting until they both left, then I would go back home and return pretending I had never heard them.

  I waited a few moments after the front door closed and stepped out of my hiding place, I stepped around the corner watching my feet, tip toeing like a child trying to sneak up on Santa Christmas Eve.

  “What the hell?” I heard a deep voice and my head snapped up. “Eve?”

  I stood there staring into his shocked cerulean eyes momentarily frozen. “I...I...”

  He pointed into the living room “you heard all that didn’t you?”

  I nodded and lowered my gaze to look at the floor.

  “Shit!”

  “I’m sorry. I took your text to mean come over, I should have waited, I didn’t realise Vanessa was here.” I felt a ridiculous amount of shame at being caught but more so for doing something that warranted being caught.

  He sat down at the dining table leaning back he looked at the ceiling and ran his hands through his hair a sure sign of his frustration, and then he leant forward placing his elbows on his knees and hid his face in his hands.

  “I fucked that up.” his defeated tone hurt to hear.

  I didn’t say anything I stood nervously watching him. I wanted to go to him, to run my fingers through his hair and sooth him but my feet remained rooted to the floor.

  “I never meant to hurt her.” He slid his hands to his hair again and gripped at the soft strands in tight fists. “It wasn’t fair to keep...fuck me...how did I let it get this far? I’ve acted like a complete and utter selfish bastard, and she never deserved that.”

  Again I remained silent. He lifted his head and rubbed his hands down his face; I heard the scratch of his stubble against his hands and inappropriately wondered what that would feel like against my skin. He refused to look at me and stared out of the window.

  “She is perfect, I should be falling over myself to be with her, you know?” He turned his head and those orbs of blue penetrated straight through me. I swallowed but no words would form to answer him. “The heart wants what the heart wants though and I can’t pretend mine wants her anymore.” He put his head in his hands again but I caught the look of shame wash over his face.