Finding Izzy

by Nanette Fox

  “Until Zot was born, I kept in touch, went to all the scans, birthing classes, all of it. I was there at Zot’s birth. It seemed like it was all going to work out for the best. We had this child between us. We acknowledged each other as parents. I’d go and visit Lainey in the early weeks and take care of Zot to give her some time off. I was at uni, time was endless. I was free to still have my life and my relationship with Vicky and the two just didn’t really overlap. Things got really bad about three months in as Lainey suffered post-natal depression. She was a real basket-case for want of a better description. She could cope with uni and looking after herself but struggled with Zot.” Izzy was looking at him, a little unnerved.

  “When Lainey became ill, we came up with the solution that if we lived in the same house but in separate rooms with other university friends to share the bills, I could really give her the support she needed, and Zot had two parents in one place. I lived between that house and Mum and Dad’s. I still saw Vicky but from Mum and Dad’s. I had a big chat with Dad one day and explained my life. He kept it to himself, didn’t share with Mum. It was really me who was taking care of Zot. He’d be there sleeping in his cot and I’d be studying for exams. I’d take him on campus with me.” He looked at Izzy, “Imagine tall me with a baby in a sling. Sometimes I dropped him off at childcare at uni. I exchanged giving help at childcare for the cost of it. They were desperate to have the male figure around. I am now an authority on most sorts of finger-painting, playdoh and snotty noses.” He laughed. “Simon and Ursula helped, as did some other friends when I needed time for myself. Lainey did stuff for him but just when she felt able and also around her university studies. So, I’m good with formulas and nappies and all the stuff babies and toddlers need. I am Zot’s dad. Lainey got better and gradually stepped back into her life with Zot. The share-house sort of split up and we all went our separate ways. Dad helped me to buy Lainey’s house, he wanted his grandson to have a roof over his head. Trouble is, and this is where it got complicated Dad didn’t want me to share with Mum that he’d stepped away from the original agreements he and Mum had made with me for the financial support. He’d in fact now made his own. I don’t know why. He never told me.”

  “By then though Lainey had moved on, she’d met Stefan through her studies and they became an item. I still did a lot of Zot’s care but not necessarily at Lainey’s house, mostly daytime around my studies or at an endless round of all our friend’s places. When Lainey and Stefan first got married, I stepped away completely and did a bit of couch-surfing for a while because it hurt not to have the time with Zot. It was around a university vacation and Vicky and I back-packed around Italy. When we came back, I moved in with Victoria.” Izzy was listening very carefully and sipping her wine, keeping eye contact. Everyone says I closed up. It was because I had to be so careful who I was with and what I was saying and doing."

  “Victoria is quite possessive, quite clingy, and I was in quite a spot of bother to still see Zot and by extension have contact with Lainey about his welfare. When I was home with Vic, she wouldn’t let me out of her sight. If I went to put the rubbish out, she’d come with me. If I went anywhere to do ‘living together’ things, she’d be right there beside me. The only space I had was on campus with my friends including Lainey, and sometimes at live gigs and things. Vicky was smothering me, and I hated it. Stefan accepted the relationship I have with Zot and so I was welcome at Lainey’s house from a few months into their marriage, but I couldn’t say I was going to Victoria, rather I didn’t want to say, it was my own private business, my own time, and I became very protective of it. Now I reflect a little and think Vic wouldn’t have wanted to know anyway.”

  He looked at Izzy, reached over and stroked her cheek. “Then Dad died. I just felt at such a loss. My dad had gone, I didn’t have Zot with me properly, still can’t, and I was in this suffocating relationship I had to get away from. I was finishing my studies and trying to find my way through what would be my next step as ‘me’ not Marco’s son. I think my darling Izzy that is where you come in. That day you found me by the bus stop I was in a pretty dark place.”

  “Izzy I was just a stupid young guy who was after something a bit different with Lainey. It was University right. Trouble is it hasn’t stopped at uni. Now I want everything to be perfect with everyone. I miss the idealism of university life: a perfect utopia where you can make mistakes and discover yourself.” He paused. “Iz, tell me you didn’t play up at University, didn’t try to work out your life?”

  “Well,” she smirked, “there was can’t remember his name and there was the guy from swim club, and then there was the guy that kept quoting Shakespeare and then there was…” as she counted on her fingers with her free hand. She whacked him gently on the arm and gave him a wicked wink, smiling widely… she had curled up beside him and Tim had his arm resting gently across her legs.

  “So, shall we share University mischief stories,” said Tim.

  Izzy just looked at him and said, “I don’t think you’d believe what I got up to. There was this pub we’d go to, and I think I went there more than everybody else because I won the darts competition against all the locals.”

  “My college where I lived was different to where Thomas, my University boyfriend lived, and I lost count of the amount of times we scaled each other’s buildings to sneak past the night watchmen.”

  “So, in a past life Izzy you were a championship dart playing cat-woman.”

  “Yes, that was me.”

  “So, this Thomas person, are you still in contact.”

  “Yes, but he is a stuffy bore with a double-barrelled name, married to someone who had a double-barrelled name.” Izzy stopped talking and then said, “It all seems a little silly. You took on responsibilities and tried to look after people, tried to care for people. My life at college sounds frivolous…”

  “Iz, architecture is a long degree, so during my studies I did a lot of ratbag things too. Hours spent in the Union bar, nudie runs, sports matches that were more about the drinking than the winning. Don’t even ask what three or four of us got up to with our bikes around campus, think riding through buildings and down stairs stunts.” He was stretched out with his legs on the coffee table and his arm bent in behind his head. They were totally relaxed and being silly, enjoying each other’s company. Tim lent across and gave Izzy a light kiss on the lips, gazing into her eyes with a love that was so obvious.

  Izzy looked at him, her eyes soft with love. “I have something for you. I wanted to find the right time to give it to you, I think now is perfect.” Getting up, she went to her desk and took out a package wrapped in a house plan. Bringing it back across to where they were sitting, Izzy explained that she had been working on it for some time, months in fact. She hoped he liked it.

  Tim was looking at the wrapping, “This is the plan for Mum’s house.”

  “Actually,” said Izzy, “it is a copy, I wanted a plan of a house or building your dad designed.”

  “Izzy what is this?”

  “Look inside and see.” Tim opened the package and teared up immediately, staring at him was a hand-painted portrait of his father attached to a journal type book. Opening it, he found his father’s life story. He sat back and took a big breath. “Izzy this is a big deal.”

  There were some photos but many painted illustrations. There were stories and quotes from his grandparents and his Aunt Tea, all hand-written. Izzy had approached Ruth who had shared some tales and even produced some mementos. There were some happy personal memories from Izzy as she had reflected on him being ‘just like a dad’. She had included her graduation with her Uncle Robert and Marco. “Your dad was in the UK and he was so pleased I asked him to come.” She had included many memories she had prized out of David and lots of delightful stories Julia shared. I left a page for you to record your special memories. There were quite a few little anecdotes from family friends and some business associates. There was even a short hand-written letter from Elizabet
h Grant sharing her pride at having known Marco. Tim sat going through the book page by page, he kept glancing at Izzy. She repeated softly, “I hope you like it.”

  “Izzy, I don’t know what to say. Hmm, yes, I do, you will never, ever have to give me another gift. This is incredible.”

  “Hmm when is your birthday, a few months, what a relief,” giggled Izzy. He closed the book and folding the plan ‘wrap’ up professionally, tucked it in the back cover. “This is pure treasure, thank you.” Then without further ado, he took Izzy in his arms and passionately and intimately kissed her. Parting they sat for a while looking into each other’s eyes, arms around each other they played with each other’s hands.

  Izzy spoke, “I am so glad we’ve talked like this.”

  Tim nodded. “We should have months ago.”

  Tim reached over to the wine bottle and said, “Well you’ve finished that whole bottle and very quickly, so I don’t think you’ll be driving home. What about if I drive you home in the SUV, we go to the supermarket on the way and I cook dinner?”

  “Come on up you get, put your shoes on.” Izzy said, “I’ve never been to the supermarket with a man before.” Tim stopped and just looked at her.

  “Well I haven’t, I mean, of course, I’ve been to the supermarket but not as a couple.”

  Tim picked up a basket as he was thinking some fish and salad or vegetables. Izzy headed for a big trolley. He watched her and said, “Izzy, what do we need that for?”

  She put it back and grabbed his hand. “Okay lead the way, you’re the cook.”

  “Hey Izzy are Bec and Paul at your place, do I need to get enough for four?” Izzy phoned quickly and checked. So, choosing fish for three, chicken for one and a lot of vegetables mostly greens plus some Lemon Barley cordial, they headed for the freezer section.

  Tim said, “I was thinking Ice-cream with the dreaded chocolate sauce.”

  Izzy smiled, “Can I squirt it all over you?” She stopped in her tracks realizing what she’d said and how it could be taken. Tim was grinning down at her.

  “Maybe we need extra sauce then,” he joked. She was blushing and furiously searching for something to say.

  He rescued her with, “I just need to pick up a couple of bottles of wine and we’re done.”

  Once back at the townhouse, they walked in with Izzy saying something about a date to the supermarket. Tim smiled at Paul who’d flown across from Perth to see Bec and said he was cooking dinner. Paul looked at them, pleased they were happy and in good spirits and thought to himself, ‘they’re back on track’. Tim had called him and nervously shared things were strained between Izzy and himself. In the kitchen, it was a riotous affair as Izzy tried to tidy and put things away. Tim picked up a roll of foil and looked at where it had been cut out with a stencil into a lacy pattern said, “Well that’s useful.” Izzy defended herself by saying she was creating wrapping for Julia’s baby’s gift.

  Paul said, “What already?”

  Bec said, “Told you the gift-giving is planned right down to the handmade wrap.”

  Tim said to Izzy, “Why don’t you set the table giving her a bundle of cutlery and plates?” Izzy looked at him like she was expecting some waitress to come and do it. The other three laughed.

  She defended herself, “Well in my life people do that sort of thing for me.”

  Getting ice for Bec’s lemon cordial, Izzy was telling them how she’d made enquiries about getting a fridge with an ice-maker. She went on to tell them about the nice lunch she’d had with a whitegoods salesman called Tony. Paul asked Izzy if there’d be a second date and she said, “Why would I? I am with Tim.”

  “Everyone was busy: Julia and Bec are always talking about being pregnant. Tim seemed to be seeing clients all week. Everyone was just busy, and I was feeling a bit lonely.”

  Bec looked at her open-mouthed and Tim smirked, “Well thank goodness you’ve realized you’re with me.” Izzy went on prattling about the pros and cons of fridges with ice-machines, and the others just exchanged glances.

  Paul said softly to Tim, “Whatever his name was will try for a second date, you’re on notice buddy.”

  Tim retorted, “Yeah I know, don’t worry, not going to let that happen.”

  Tim told Bec and Paul the tale of how Izzy had trucked her horse on her little lonesome all the way from Queensland to Gramps’ farm. He thought it was an absolute wonder she hadn’t picked up some bloke wanting to help her along the way. Izzy stepped over to pinch him on the arm. Then standing with her hands on her hips, she said, “Girls can do stuff by themselves you know. Don’t worry your Aunt Tea heard I hadn’t got around to asking you to help and was thinking of my safety, she organized horsey people for me to contact all along the route.”

  Tim looked at her and smiled. “You didn’t tell me that before, I was thinking how crazy you were to do it by yourself.”

  “Hey Paul, I know we’re both beer drinkers, but I’ve been spending some time with Antonio at a Winery. The winemaker wants me to design a new function venue on his property. Anyway, I tried this red, thought you might like to give it a go, I like it.” So, they all moved to sit in the lounge with Paul and Tim trying the red wine. Izzy curled up next to Tim and rested her head in his lap. Bec and Paul sat on the other sofa holding hands. Tim asked them if they were any closer to setting a date for getting married. Bec said, “Mum is actually a bit upset about me being pregnant, something about putting the cart before the horse.”

  “So, we might wait until after the baby.”

  Paul said, “I’ve got myself out of favour with the in-laws.”

  “How are you doing with the pregnancy?” asked Tim.

  “Actually, not too bad, Julia is having a really awful time.”

  “Yes, I know,” said Tim.

  Bec looked at him strangely, “I heard you passed on quite a few tips and tricks, how do you know?” Izzy stirred and sat upright looking at Tim.

  “Just must have heard them somewhere.”

  Izzy pointed at Paul with a finger and said, “Do you know?” It was ambiguous what she was asking Paul to divulge, but both men looked at each other and tried to change the subject with, “So what are you up to at the weekend,” said almost in unison.

  Bec said, “Hold up what is going on?” Silence descended, and a few awkward looks passed between Tim and Paul. Izzy had crossed her arms and was looking down.

  “Bec I have a son,” said Tim. “A little boy with Lainey or as you might remember ‘Paddle Pop’ from your engagement party. He lives with Lainey and her husband. I see him as often as I can but my family Julia, David and my mum don’t necessarily know about the contact part.”

  “I mean they know I am still friendly with Lainey and they wonder. They all get very anxious when they see Lainey and I get together. He is sort of like the forgotten story from my ‘wild’ university days. ‘Tim’s one big mistake’ I think is the label the family use. I went against my parent’s wishes at the time and kept in touch with Lainey right throughout her pregnancy.”

  “One day, ages ago, was he at the gallery with you?” asked Bec. “Now I understand why Julia was hiding to watch you with him, and she didn’t answer my questions.”

  Tim looked at her, “Julia saw him?”

  “Well yes but you had some clients with you who could have been his grandparents and we just weren’t sure.”

  “Ah yes, Phil and Jean,” said Tim.

  “Sorry to pry Tim, were you at the birth of your son,” questioned a curious Bec. Tim could almost feel a sadness creeping into Izzy as he heard her sigh. Paul had noticed Izzy tense up and wipe at her eyes.

  “Bec it doesn’t matter, we don’t need to know.” Izzy was resting her head on Tim’s shoulder, and he felt the tear drop on to his forearm. It registered in his mind that she did mind about his son for all her bravado at seeming okay with it.

  Bec spoke again, “Izzy does that make you sad, because of the miscarriage, the baby that died that you believe started
all the bad things between you and Isaac. I mean is that why you have been so funny about Julia and I talking babies and pregnancies and stuff.”

  Izzy sat up and looking tearfully at Rebecca said, “I hate you Rebecca. It was only ever you and Isaac that knew, not even your mum for a long while. I told you all those months ago when all the stuff about Isaac came out, in confidence, I didn’t expect you ever to share. You’re just being nasty because the baby before the marriage doesn’t fit into your nice conventional little world and you’re angry with yourself.” Rebecca looked shocked, Tim stopped mid drink and Paul just looked disappointed. Isabella gathered herself up and politely excusing herself went up to her room.

  Paul looked at his girlfriend Rebecca and told her to “talk fast and explain what you were just talking about now”. He was angry.

  “I think you just betrayed a confidence, and you need to explain to me why you did that.” Tim was sitting back and holding his wine glass was just staring blankly ahead, not really listening.

  “Rebecca, I want to know why you did that to Izzy?” said Paul coldly.

  “Because,” she started, “Izzy has been so disinterested in hearing from Julia and me about our pregnancies and our problems. She was really dismissive because we had both managed to get engaged then pregnant before we got married. She is just jealous of us. Who cares if her marriage didn’t work and she lost a baby; everyone is sick of the ‘poor Izzy’ story, aren’t they?”

  “We just wanted her to be happy for us and all she was worrying about was her precious gallery and having no one to work with her because we were off having happy lives.” Bec paused, “We all had a big fight and you know what she did, she just ran away, she booked a ticket and went to France and Italy. God knows what she did there, she didn’t need to go.” Rebecca was wound up and didn’t stop with her verbal tirade. “You’re absolutely stupid Tim, you gave up nice sensible straight forward Victoria for that twisted, confused mad woman. I am sick of tip-toeing around her smoothing over the waters between Julia and her. If she can’t cope with something, she just closes up and walks away. She won’t fight back; she won’t defend her position. We have supported Izzy for so long you would think she could return the favour.” Rebecca dissolved into a flood of tears and ran from the room.