Captain Caveman

by Jerry Boyd

  Scotti said, “You catch on quick, Boss. Those are all good options. Gene really wants to play with the main guns, but we could be more precise with the power core and emitters. Playing space pool would be the most fun, but lining the shot up well enough to get the exact deflection we want is probably asking too much.”

  I saw Zoom fidgeting. I asked, “Yes, Zoom?”

  She said, “If we’re going to put emitters on it anyway, could we spin it up and blow a balloon?”

  “You mean, for a habitat?”

  “Yeah. It has enough mass to give us bunches of interior room.”

  “I know you’re a Loony, so you don’t care about such things, but would you be able to get it big enough around to spin up to a full gravity?”

  Scotti said, “I told you he would catch that.”

  Zoom said, “No, Boss. The best we could get would be about a third of a gee, Mars-ish.”

  I replied, “I like the idea of having more places to live, but that sounds like an awful lot of trouble to go to for Mars-ish. Talk to me again when you find a rock you can spin up to a full gee without crazy Coriolis, and I might have a different answer, but it would be an easier sell in a different system.”

  Gene came over the intercom. “Boss, my main lasers are going to need a few upgrades, if you expect me to heat up a rock that large, without burning something out.”

  I answered, “Send your wish list to Scotti, I’m sure she’ll do what she can.”

  Scotti said, “Gene, we both know you just want those bigger lasers for bragging rights if you ever meet any of the other ships of your class.”

  Gene replied, “Master Chief! I’m shocked you have such a low opinion of me. That’s, well, not quite entirely true.”

  I said, “So, what are you two going to order a kit for, an autonomous drone ship?”

  Topper laughed so hard I thought he might hurt himself. Scotti froze for a second till she found the reference, and said, “Boss, just because I spent all those years in the black with him, doesn’t mean we’re ready to buy a kit. Besides, I could print all the parts from scratch, who needs a kit?”

  Gene said, “Oh, c’mon, Honey. A sweet little stealth drone, who knows what it might find, out in the wild stars.”

  Scotti said, “Now look what you started, Boss.”

  I said, “I started? You were the one tweaking all night, trying to get him that last tenth of a percent of performance.”

  Scotti looked flustered. “How did you know about that, Boss?”

  I replied, “I didn’t, till you just told me.”

  Scotti said, “Are you sure you don’t need to go back in the autodoc? For a long time?”

  I said, “Okay, those are important things, and we need to get going on them. Scotti, I assume you’ve already started the emitters and power core for the asteroid?”

  “Yes, Boss.”

  “And you’re just waiting for me to release a ship to go put in that drive?”

  “Yes, Boss.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with the power core test, or you would have led with that, so why do I have a full cabin, instead of just you and Topper?”

  Nunya spoke up. “I requested to be here, Captain. I have a personnel issue I need your help with.”

  “These two not pulling their weight?” I asked, pointing at Millus and Jannul.

  “No, Boss, they’re doing well. But they still have Galactic names. They think that means you’re going to put them off at the first convenient port, and they have no future here. I can’t convince them that you wouldn’t put them ashore unless they wanted to go.”

  I replied, “I see. So this is about me being remiss in my duty of assigning nicknames, then?”

  “Yes, Boss, it is. I know you’ve been busy, but it needs to be seen to.”

  “Okay, let’s see. Millus, how do you like Milly?”

  “That would be great, Sir.”

  “That’s one. Now Jannul, we could go with Janelle, but that doesn’t sound enough different for people to notice, does it? Janet work for you?”

  “Ja-net, I think I like that.”

  “You better be sure. Once you leave this cabin, you’re stuck with it. Just ask Nunya.”

  Nunya said, “Believe it. I smarted off to him the first time I met him, and that’s been my name ever since.”

  Janet said, “I’m sure.”

  I said, “That’s settled, any other business?” I got no answer, so I said, “Thank you all for coming. Scotti, could you and Sally stay just a minute, please?”

  Once the rest had filed out, I asked Scotti, “Do you have enough bots to send a crew to put in that drive, while we go take care of the asteroid?”

  “Yes, Boss.”

  “I’d like you to add a medbot and two Marines to whatever you had assigned, please.”

  Scotti said, “Sure, Boss, but why? I don’t have any human crew going with them.”

  I said, “The medbot is to make sure none of those autodocs are set to wake somebody up when you start working on the ship. The Marines are in case the medbot misses something.”

  Scotti said, “Murphy is our shepherd.”

  “Glad you understand. How long to print the emitters and core for the asteroid?”

  Scotti replied, “I’m using Gene’s spare emitters, and printing him a new set, with your crew’s improvements, so there isn’t any time lag there. With your permission, I could also use his spare power core, since the replacement I’m printing him with the new technology is almost done.”

  “How long is left on the test?”

  “Twenty-six hours, and nothing has given us any cause for alarm. We haven’t even had to compensate for wear.”

  I said, “Sounds like a reasonable course of action. I’m curious, did you give Gene the same power in a smaller package, or did you go all Ozzie on it?”

  “When Ozzie saw the new specs, he was dancing around the shop. With the new core, we’ll be able to power those bigger lasers Gene wants.”

  I asked, “How’s Gene fixed for structural integrity?”

  Scotti said, “Boss, you’ve been hanging out with Ozzie too long. He asked the same thing. We can give him a little bigger emitters, but not enough to make a huge difference.”

  “I should have known you had already looked at that. I don’t have anything else for you, Scotti, unless you have something to ask me?”

  “No, Boss. Just keep finding me these eager human kids. They’re really helping out.”

  After Scotti left, Sally asked, “What did you need from me, Boss?”

  “Gene, privacy please. How are your calculations coming?”

  “I’ve got it narrowed down to an area, but that area contains thousands of stars. There wouldn’t be any way for us to search that many.”

  I said, “It’s probably a stupid question, but would the methods Phonelia’s crew use help any with this problem?”

  “It’s not a stupid question, Boss, but it is complicated. Applying their methods to a new data set requires intuitive leaps, that I’m not equipped to provide.”

  I replied, “You’re telling me that in order for their methods to help, you’re going to have to read them in, so they can work the problem with you?”

  “Exactly, Boss.”

  “And we already have doubts about their trustworthiness?”

  “Yes, Boss.”

  I said, “Can you narrow down what you have any more, or are you at the limit of what you can do?”

  “I’m still calculating, but my estimates show I’ll still have a lot of stars for us to look at, when I’m done.”

  “Go ahead and finish up what you’re able to do, and I’ll try and come up with a way to narrow the area.”

  “Thanks for being understanding, Boss. I know this is important.”

  I said, “It is, and it isn’t. If we know they are out there, then it stands to reason they know we are here. They haven’t caused any problems, so if we don’t find them, they probably still won’t. What we mi
ght gain from meeting them is a big unknown at this point. It might be nothing, or it could be a big advance. We won’t know till we meet them. The only good reason I have for trying is plain old monkey curiosity.”

  Sally said, “If it’s not that important, why are we keeping it so secure?”

  I said, “Humans, in ones and twos, can be fairly reasonable. Large groups are a whole different story. If Galactic civilization finds out that there are aliens, there will be panic, and people will get hurt. They might even fool around and start that war they were so afraid of, back when you were built. I’m not going to let that happen on my watch, if I can help it at all.”

  “Good answer, Boss.”

  “I may not make things much better, but I try not to leave them worse than I found them.”

  Sally asked, “You’re still bothered by what happened on the planet?”

  “I am. Just because people were managing to live there, I assumed it was safe. I never thought to do any environmental checks.”

  “Think about it for a minute, Boss. You’ve got Guide veterans, more old Navy bots than you can shake a stick at, even Andre and his Marines. None of those folks thought to run a check either. It just wasn’t something that could have been predicted. If it wasn’t for you and your ‘funny vibe’, a lot more people would have died, maybe even some of ours. No being is perfect. Beating yourself up because you’re not is just silly.”

  I said, “You’re right. I still want a company policy of checking environmental factors on any new planets, regardless how nice they look. Has anyone figured out why the steroids are in the air down there?”

  “The best hypothesis I’ve seen so far is that the animals need to grow at ridiculous rates to get as big as they do. The steroids are what they use to do that.”

  “It’s still a hypothesis because testing it would involve going back to the surface for animal specimens, and I said no more landings, right?”

  Sally answered, “Exactly, Boss.”

  I asked, “Would pinning that down give us an advantage in countering it?”

  “Not that I can see, Boss.”

  I said, “Then the landing ban remains in place. I’m not opposed to landing, if we take precautions, and there is something to be gained by it, but routine landings are not something I want to have happening any more.”

  “That sounds reasonable. There are some bots still aboard that were scheduled to transfer to the colony, what do you want to do about them?”

  I replied, “I want to take them and go, but see what the bots want. I know Abe was pretty set on going ashore. If anybody else feels that way, we’ll find a way to get them to the colony.”

  “Oh, Sir, I was supposed to mention that to you. Abe went down with the first group and helped build the wall and clean up after the attack. He got homesick for the ship and came back aboard. He’s been worrying you won’t let him rejoin the crew, after he asked to go ashore.”

  I asked, “What do you think? Is he serious about rejoining the ship, or does he just want to find a better place to go ashore?”

  “The bots weren’t treated very well at the colony. The fact of the matter is, only a couple of medbots stayed behind when the wall was finished. I guess I shouldn’t have tried to break it to you gently.”

  I said, “No problem. We’re still learning to work together. You’re saying none of the bots really wanted to stay, but some of the medbots felt it was their duty?”

  “That seems to be what happened, yes.”

  “As aggressive as everyone is down there, I can’t see them treating bots very well. I’m just glad we figured it out before I left them any ships.”

  “Me too, Boss.”

  Gene said, “If you two are done with your meeting, the Captain has people waiting to see him.”

  I said, “Let them in, Gene.”

  Sam, and a couple of ladies from the exile camp, came in. I said, “No, I don’t know where we’re going to settle you folks. Yes, we are working the problem. As soon as we make any headway, I’ll be sure someone lets you know. If you have any preferences about any of that, please let either me or Sally know. Did you have any other questions?”

  Sam spoke up. “That covers what I had. I think the ladies might have some other things to discuss with you, though. Thank you for your time, Captain.” He turned to leave. I said, “Thank you for coming to me with your concerns, Sam. If you think of anything else, please don’t hesitate to come see me.”

  He turned and looked at me, confused. He said, “You mean that, Captain?”

  I said, “The only way I can take care of this ship and its crew is to know what is going on. If people don’t tell me, I’m going to get it wrong, and that won’t help anybody, now will it?”

  “No, Captain, I don’t suppose it would. Have a good day, Sir.”

  “Fly safe, Sam.”

  I turned to the two women. “What can I help you ladies with?”

  One of them said, “We came to thank you, Captain.” She started to disrobe. I said, “You’re welcome, and we don’t do business that way around here. Get dressed and get gone.”

  They looked stunned, but did as I said. Very rarely, I regretted the enhancements from going through the autodoc. This was one of those times. I heard as they walked away, “Is he gay?”, “No, he can’t be. That woman who claims to be his ‘wife’ is pregnant.” I looked at Sally. “I could have done without that.”

  “Look on the bright side. Mrs. Wilson wasn’t here. I’m nearly certain someone would be cleaning up urine right now if she pulled her gun on one of those two.”

  I said, “Thank you for helping me see the bright side. If you don’t have anything else, I need to get cleaned up, and go act like I’m running this ship.”

  Sally said, “Act like, Sir?”

  “You and the Master Chief are running the thing, I just smile and nod, and act like I knew about your plans all along.”

  “We’ve got to up our game, Sir. The Captain isn’t supposed to be able to figure that out.”

  I replied, “That’s where you’re wrong. The Captain isn’t supposed to behave as if he’s figured it out in front of the crew. Big difference.”

  “You’re sneaky, Boss. I think I’m going to like working with you.”

  “I know I like working with you. Surely you have more important things to do than chewing the fat with me.”

  Sally froze a second as she looked up the reference. “Yes, I suppose I do. See you later, Boss.”

  “Later, Sally.” She left, and I got ready to face my day. By the time I finished my shower, I realized I was hungry, so once I was dressed, I headed off to the galley. A bot I didn’t know was serving. She said, “What can I get you, Captain?”

  “Whatever sort of breakfast you have handy will do. I don’t think we’ve met before, have we?”

  “No, Sir. I am ANG-818.”

  “You may have heard, I’m terrible at remembering numbers. Would it be alright if I called you Angie?”

  “Sir, as long as you don’t ask me to go back and work for that colony I was supposed to belong to, you can call me anything you like.”

  “Well, then, I missed a trick. Should have called you Veronica.”

  She froze for a second, accessing. Then she said, “Oh, Sir, that’s such a nice song. Could I be Veronica?”

  “Sure. Could I get a cup of coffee?”

  “Of course, Boss.”

  Scotti wandered in. “Annoying the waitress, Boss?”

  “Only a little. What can I do for you, Scotti?”

  “A lot, judging by past performance. Right now, I just need permission to move the ship.”

  “Your crews are done with their exterior work?”

  “They are, Sir.”

  I asked, “Where are we headed, Master Chief?”

  “To install the power core and drive on that asteroid, Boss.”

  “The crew that’s working on the Guide ship is already on their way?”

  Scotti said, “Yes, Bo
ss. And they are equipped to retrieve the power core test article before we pick them up.”

  “Being annoying, am I?”

  “Not much. Thought I’d nip it in the bud, Sir.”

  “Good plan, Scotti. Anything else you need?”

  “A project to keep Milly and Janet busy. Those two are even harder to keep track of than Nunya.”

  I said, “I thought she was in charge of them.”

  “She is, and she’s doing a good job, but they finish before Nunya thinks they will, and then they’re asking me for more work. I’ve had them helping the little bots pull cable all day.”

  “I don’t have a thing, but ask Frank. I haven’t heard from him in a while, surely he’s just before needing some kind of test hardware.”

  Scotti replied, “You sure know how to scare a bot, Boss.”

  “Somebody has to keep you on your toes.”

  “Later, Boss.”

  “Later, Scotti.”

  Veronica brought out some coffee and a plate of breakfast. She said, “Andre said this was what he could whip up in a hurry. If you want something different, it’ll take longer.”

  “This will be fine. Did you say Andre is cooking?”

  She replied, “Yes. He didn’t have any other duties for a while, so he came by to help out.”

  “Good for him.”

  “Do you need anything else, Boss?”

  “Nope. Thank you, Veronica.”

  I ate, and went to the kitchen. “Hey, Andre. Didn’t know you were a cook as well.”

  “The human officers they appointed over us had to eat, Sir. Some of us got training as cooks.”

  “Seems to have been pretty good training. That was a fine meal.”

  “Well, Boss, I cheated. I got a bunch of files from Sally on how your people prepare food. The Galactics aren’t nearly as good with flavors and textures. They just seem to be interested in nutrition.”

  I said, “I know. I’ve eaten their meal packs.”

  “I saw one of the bots try to offer Snitz part of one. One sniff, and he was convinced he could get a better meal somewhere else.”

  I said, “He’s a smart dog.”

  Andre asked, “I looked up dog breeds, but I didn’t see any that looked exactly like Snitz. What kind is he?”