Captain Caveman

by Jerry Boyd

  “Well, Andre, the lady who sold him to us when he was a pup said that his mother was a registered Border Collie. She had the kennel locked up, waiting for his mother to come into heat, so she could introduce her to a male registered Border Collie. Snitz’s Daddy somehow snuck into the locked kennel, and took care of business before all that could take place. So, you see, Snitz is a mutt, if I had to guess, his father was a mutt as well.”

  Andre thought that over, and asked, “What made you choose him?”

  “The most important thing was that Mrs. Wilson thought that he was cute. When I heard the story of how he came to be, I knew he would be a smart dog, and so I thought it was a good idea to bring him home.”

  “A mutt, huh? I knew a bot like that, back in the day. He was one of the last off the Navy production line, and they didn’t have enough Marine parts to finish him, so they gave him some regular cargo bot parts, just to use up the parts they had. He wasn’t as strong as the rest of us, so he had to make up for it by being sneaky.”

  I said, “Sounds like a bot I’d like to meet. Any idea where he might be these days?”

  “No, Boss. He got surplussed out with so many of the other Marines. I wouldn’t even know where to start looking.”

  I said, “Well, we need a lot of bots to work for the company. Maybe we’ll get lucky.”

  “Hope so, Boss. Only problem with having my memories back is all the friends I remember. I miss them.”

  “Sounds tough. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”

  “I will, Boss. I better get back to work, though.”

  “See you later, Andre.”

  “Later on, Boss.”

  I headed on up to the bridge, but as I was leaving the galley, I heard, “You can call me anything you like, but my name is Veronica.” It felt good to make someone happy. Topper greeted me with, “Captain on the Bridge!”. I replied, “As you were. Mr. Topper, would you be so kind as to tell me what’s happening in our world today?”

  “Well, Boss, we made a small jump to the neighborhood of that asteroid we told you about, and we’re just now coming into position for the crew to jump across and attach the emitters and the power core. In other news, it seems you were correct about that derelict ship. They had put in an override to wake up the first mate if someone started work on the drive. The medbot was able to remove the program, and repairs are proceeding smoothly.”

  I replied, “Very good. I relieve you, Mr. Topper.”

  “I stand relieved.”

  “Please, sit down, there’s no need to stand on ceremony here.”

  Topper knocked the ash off his invisible cigar, and said, “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”

  I sat in the big chair, buckling in out of habit. I said, “Mr. Topper, could we have the asteroid teams on the main screen, please?”

  “Right away, Boss.”

  The two recovery ships were moving the pieces over to the rock. Once they were in place, a team of bots was fastening them down. Topper asked, “Would you like the audio, Boss?”

  “Sure, why not.” Soon the bridge was filled with the sounds of Scotti directing the placement of the emitters. I really should have taken notes, my vocabulary of Galactic cuss words wasn’t what it should have been. One particularly grievous offender was informed that he was the offspring of a vacuum cleaner and a garage door opener, while they were both under the influence of a power surge. Once it was all in place and connected, Scotti called. “Captain, do I have your permission to apply power to the emitters?”

  “Not until you and your crew are safely back aboard the Gene. I’m sure it’s all done right, but Murphy is our shepherd.”

  “Understood, Boss. On our way back.”

  The installation crew grabbed the legs of the two recovery ships, and got a ride back to the Gene. I asked Ruth, at the helm, “Ruth, when they are aboard, back us away, before any power is applied to those emitters.”

  “On it, Boss.”

  About when Ruth was comfortable with our separation, Scotti came on the bridge. She said, “You are worried, aren’t you, Boss?”

  “We’re about to try and move a frickin’ ginormous rock. If it doesn’t do what it’s supposed to, I don’t want us to be in its way. Go ahead and apply power, Scotti.”

  She brought the emitters on line. So little force, applied to so much rock, didn’t accomplish much at first. Then, suddenly, we were backing up farther, Ruth called out, “It’s turning, Boss!” at the same time Scotti called out, “Shutting down.”.

  I looked at Scotti, and asked, “What happened?”

  She said, “I believe, in the parlance of your planet, I made an ass out of you and me.”

  I looked back at the screen, and the slowly tumbling asteroid. It came to me what she was talking about. “So, it’s not the same kind of rock all the way through?”

  “No, Boss. Looks like it has a heavy spot on one end.” I looked around, and saw Taz on sensors. I said, “Mr. Taz?”

  “Scanning, Boss. Looks like there’s a heavy ore body near one end of the rock.”

  I asked, “What kind of ore, Mr. Taz?”

  “Various metals we could use, Captain, if you want to take the time to dig them out.” I looked around and saw one of Andre’s Marines sitting Fire Control. I said, “Fire Control, plan a fire mission to break that ore body out of the asteroid, and when you’re done, I’ll need you to brief me on it.”

  “Yes, Sir.”

  Gene came over the intercom. “For real, Captain?”

  “Let’s see how long it would take, before we get too excited, Gene.”

  “Yes, Captain.”

  Fire Control spoke up. “I calculate it will take twenty hits from the main railguns to break the ore body loose. We may want to clean it up some with the smaller guns before we bring it aboard.”

  “How many rounds for the main railguns do we have in stock?”

  Fire Control responded, “Two thousand per gun, Captain.” I looked at Scotti. “Engineer, do you have any objection?”

  She looked at the report Taz had generated on the content of the ore body. “None whatsoever, Sir. We could really use that ore, and the guns need a test.”

  I said, “Fire Control, proceed with your fire mission.”

  “I’ll need the helm to fly a specific course, while I’m firing.”

  “Send Ruth your requirements. If she can’t put you where you need to be, you’re just too picky.”

  “Aye, Sir.”

  What followed was amazing and terrifying all at once. Ruth was slinging us around like we were a saucer, and every time she paused, a round went downrange. It suddenly struck me how much destructive power, and deadly skill I had at my command. Less than a minute after they started, it was over, and the ore was floating free. Fire Control asked, “Sir, permission to fire another mission to clean that rock up?”

  “Please feel free, Tex.”

  He asked, “As in, ‘Nice shootin’ Tex’?”

  “Exactly.”

  “Thank you, Sir.”

  “You’re welcome. Now clean that thing up so we can bring it aboard and get on with our mission.”

  “Aye, Sir.”

  Scotti was sitting at an extra console running calculations. She said, “Sir, I need to take a crew out and move one of the emitters, before we can push what’s left of the rock.”

  I replied, “As soon as Tex is through cleaning up, feel free.”

  “On it, Boss.” She left the bridge. We made another firing pass, this time giving the turrets a workout. When we stopped again, Tex said, “That’s as clean as I can get it without going out with a hammer and chisel, Boss.”

  I said, “Looks good to me, Tex. Good work.”

  Ruth got instructions from Scotti, and put us back where we were before. Scotti and her team rode across, and took one of the emitters loose. The recovery ship came in, and moved it to its new spot. Scotti checked it with a rangefinder, and then her team fastened it down again. As so
on as they were back aboard, Scotti came over the intercom. “Engaging drive again.” We all held our breath until Ruth said, “The rock is moving on the correct trajectory. The emitters are canceling out the roll. Looks good.”

  Scotti came back over the intercom. “Cargo bay one is clear. Please ease that rock in, and we’ll secure it.”

  Ruth matched velocity with the ore body. She had to roll the ship to fit it through the bay door. She bumped the docking thrusters, and we slid around the ore body. Once it was inside, Scotti dialed a tiny fraction of a gravity in the bay, to settle it. Once it touched, bots swarmed it with straps and chains, securing it in place. I looked over at Topper. “Thank you for keeping us on the proper cameras to see all of that. It was quite a show.”

  “You’re welcome, Boss.”

  “Do you know how long we need to let those emitters work before the planet is safe?

  Topper said, “That depends on how long you want the problem fixed for, Boss.”

  I asked, “Could you explain what you mean?”

  “If all we’re doing is saving the planet on this pass, we could pull our equipment this afternoon. That would leave them vulnerable again in a hundred years or so. If we want them to be safe from this particular rock for all time, we’d need to let them work for twenty years.”

  I said, “I see. How much time could we buy them waiting till morning?”

  “If we shut down and pull the emitters after breakfast tomorrow, that would give them at least a thousand years of safety from this rock. There’s another one we saw about this size that looks dangerous about five hundred years out, so that would keep this one from being the most dangerous rock.”

  “That sounds adequate. How long until the crew on the other ship has the new drive installed?”

  Topper replied, “The last estimate I saw was sometime tonight, right before the test core is ready to be picked up.”

  “You’re saying we could clean up our tools here, go pick up the other crew, and be out of the system tomorrow?”

  “Yes, Boss.”

  “I thought the power core test was going to run longer than that?”

  Topper said, “It was. The early part of the test went so well we were able to speed up the testing. Don’t worry, we’re still beating it to death. If anything, the faster test schedule works it harder than the original plan.”

  “I like the sound of that. Do you mind taking over for a while? I want to go talk to Scotti about a few things.”

  “Sure, Boss. I have the conn.”

  I replied, “As soon as I find the john, I’ll stand relieved.”

  Topper said, “Good one, Boss.”, as I left. I took care of my problem, and grabbed a transit to Engineering. When I got there, Velma was waiting to get on, with Milly and Janet. I said, “Jinkies, Velma! Good to see you. I never got a chance to ask you the other day, what kind of nasty did they have under the bandstand?”

  Janet spoke up. “I can answer that one, Captain. They made me work on it. It was supposed to scramble the bots control signals so they couldn’t help you when they tried to take the ship. You mean you guys broke it? I thought we just made a mistake.”

  Velma said, “I caused it not to work. I cut the power wires.”

  Janet said, “But I never saw you!” Velma faded out and back in. “Whoa, cool!”

  Velma replied, “I almost made a big mistake. If the Captain hadn’t told me I was leaving tracks, I would’ve gotten caught.”

  I asked, “Where are you ladies off to?”

  Milly said, “We have a few more wires to pull, before Gene is ready to go to FTL..”

  I replied, “Well, I better not keep you, then.” I headed off to the shop, where I found Scotti and Zoom going over a holographic projection. Nunya looked like she was trying to keep up. Scotti saw me and said, “There he is. There’s the culprit.”

  “What did I do? I haven’t asked you for anything lately.”

  “You’re the one who suggested I should ask Frank if he needed any test hardware. He and Julie drew this up, but we can’t make heads or tails out of it.”

  I said, “They gave you a hardware design? That’s not the way this should work. They should tell you what they’re trying to test, and let you design the hardware to get it done. Why would they try to design the machine?”

  “That’s what we’ve been trying to understand. As near as we can tell, a bunch of these circuits don’t actually do anything.”

  I said, “Security through obscurity. Why is Frank pulling that crap on you?”

  Scotti said, “When you find out, Boss, let us know.”

  “Leave this nonsense, until he gives us a better idea of what he’s trying to do, unless you think you can peel back all the non-functional parts and find out what he’s up to.”

  Zoom said, “We could do that, but it would take all day and most of the night. Even then, we might not be able to tell what he has in mind.”

  “Don’t bother, then. I’ll get with those two and see what their deal is.”

  Scotti said, “Did you need something, Boss?”

  “I just wanted to be a pain and ask you a bunch of stupid questions.”

  Zoom said, “At least you’re honest.”

  Scotti said, “Don’t believe a word of it, Zoom. By the time he leaves, we’ll have a whole new project to work on.”

  I said, “I’m glad you have such faith in me, Scotti. I know you’ve been busy bringing Gene back up to her old specs, I just wondered how much you had done about bringing her up to company standards?”

  Scotti replied, “We put in the software for smooth FTL transitions, and did the mod to get better speed in FTL. The upgraded emitters and power core won’t be ready to go in before we pull out of this system. What else were you thinking about, Boss?”

  “I was thinking Gene’s emitters need to be shielded, and as big as her power core is, she should be able to run a big drive killer.”

  “Oh, I thought for a minute you had something else up your sleeve I hadn’t heard about. Taz showed me how to shield the drives, and I took care of it. I just sent Velma and the girls to pull the last cables for the drive killer, and the ship-to-ship stunner went in yesterday.”

  I asked, “Does it strike anybody else as odd that we talk about Gene, the physical ship, as a she, but Gene, the AI running it, is male?

  Zoom said, “Now that you mention it, Boss, it is kinda odd, but we’ll get used to it.”

  I asked, “Do we get a lot more range with the higher power?”

  Zoom said, “Nope. Inverse cube law is a pain. We only were able to get about twice the range. I did find out, though, that the stunner can overcome some forms of resistance, if we get close enough.”

  I smiled, and said, “Murphy is our shepherd. How long did it take somebody to figure out you needed help?”

  “ANG-818 was flying for me, she noticed right away.”

  “She has a new name, by the way. Veronica.”

  Zoom thought for a second. “Oh! We managed to pick up that song. She said ‘You can call me anything you like’, didn’t she?”

  “She did. You guys listened to Earth music?”

  “When we could sneak an antenna past the grownups.”

  I said, “I had one more thing, Scotti, and then I’ll get out of here and go bug Frank. How are you coming on the training course for those new fighters?”

  “I’ve got the work spread out over about half the bots on the ship. It should be done before morning.”

  “Sounds good, as long as we can send it to them before we go to FTL. I’d like for them to be ready to try out the fighters when we get there.”

  Scotti asked, “Who should I send it to?”

  “Ensign Bronkum.”

  “On it, Boss.”

  “Fly safe.”

  “You too.”

  I went off to find Frank and Julie. I knocked on their door. Julie said, “Come in.”, so I did.

  When she saw who it was, she said, “Frank, I told you
your silly games weren’t going to fool the Captain. Come out here and explain yourself.”

  Frank came out of his office, looking sheepish. I said, “What’s up, Frank?”

  He said, “Scotti came by, saying you thought I probably had something for her to work on. I didn’t, so I gave her a bogus set of plans I keep around to confuse people when they ask me what I’m up to.”

  “So, you tried to baffle the best Engineering department in this end of the galaxy with BS? You didn’t think this one through, did you Frank?”

  Frank replied, “No, I don’t suppose I did. You can ask Julie, we have been making progress, just nothing we can reduce to hardware just yet.”

  I said, “I don’t have to ask Julie, I trust you, Frank. You’ve got me spoiled, with all your wonderful innovations. You hadn’t knocked my socks off for a week or so, I figured you were about due. I didn’t mean to be rushing you.”

  “I should have just told Scotti the truth. I just didn’t want to have to go back to Earth and lose my access to all this wonderful knowledge.”

  I said, “Let me get this straight. You think I’m going to put you ashore, because you haven’t come up with a world-shattering innovation this week? I may be an asshole, but I’m not a monster.”

  “Julie said pretty much the same thing. It was a stupid thing to do, but it was just habit, from all those years working in industry with MBA managers who didn’t know which end of a screwdriver to hold.”

  “I get where you’re coming from, Frank, but I also need you to understand that I’m not one of those managers. I know it takes time to make progress.”

  Julie said, “Tell him about your problem, Frank. You know he has a reputation for finding simple answers to complex problems.”

  I said, “Sure, Frank, go ahead and spill it. I can tell you all the things you’ve already thought of, and you can make me feel stupid. It’s a fun game, everybody plays it.”

  Frank said, “Well, Captain, I’ve been studying a new kind of radiation that some of the Galactic science predicts but doesn’t really explain. I’ve managed to build a detector, but so far, I don’t understand how to build anything that will emit this particular type of radiation. The theory says that it can’t be emitted naturally, but when I turn my detector on, I get signals, that seem to be coming from a particular direction.”