Captain Caveman

by Jerry Boyd

  Nikki said, “Caveman, it seems like you’ve thought the possibilities through fairly well. What would make you think you might need my help?”

  I replied, “I might need reassurance, that what I’m doing is something approaching the right thing to do.”

  “You’ve had time to go over this. Let me think about the possibilities for a while, and we’ll talk more.”

  “Sounds good. Did you hear we may be able to leave this system tomorrow?”

  “Really? I thought the testing needed a couple more days.”

  I said, “So did I. Topper and Scotti were able to speed it up, because the early part went so well. Topper says they’re actually testing it harder by using faster transitions.”

  “That’s great! I don’t know about you, but I’m more than ready to be gone from here.”

  “Me too. I always thought a planet with megafauna would be cool to visit. I never thought about how they get that big.”

  Nikki said, “Well, you’ve given me a lot to think about. I think I’ll take off, if you don’t need anything.”

  “Well, there is one thing.” Once the tongue wrestling was over, Nikki headed out. I called Zoom. “Hey, Boss. Everything’s cool. Frank called and apologized for that BS plan he gave us.”

  I said, “I’m glad to hear that. I called about something else, though. I was telling Nikki about the stunner and the drive killer, and she was wondering why you didn’t use some kind of antenna to focus the beam, so you wouldn’t lose so much power over distance.”

  The line was quiet for a minute. I was beginning to get worried, when Zoom said, “She’s right, Boss. I’ll get right on that. Bye.”

  Before I could say bye, I heard the line disconnect. I left the ready room, and found Snitz lying outside with a Frisbee. I said, “Gene, could you warn people that this section of passageway is in use, and should be avoided if possible?”

  “On it, Boss.”

  Snitz and I played Frisbee till he got tired. He seemed to be just a bit quicker since his stay in the autodoc. I sat down and leaned against the wall, to give Snitz some pets. After we had been there awhile, Gene came over the intercom. “Captain, Sally wants me to remind you that it’s lunchtime.” I said, “Thank you, Gene.”

  I wandered down to the galley, with Snitz trailing along behind. When we got there, Veronica was waiting tables again. She said, “Hi Captain, have a seat anywhere. Anything special you want today?”

  I replied, “Nope, whatever is handy will be fine.”

  “Okay. Oh, who’s your friend?”

  “That’s Snitz. Is it okay if he comes in?”

  “You’re the Captain, you get to decide that.”

  “I think it will be fine, as long as he doesn’t go in the kitchen.” She came back with a glass of tea, and a bowl of scraps for Snitz. She said, “Andre checked with Topper, and he said everything in here would be okay for Snitz.”

  “Thanks, I gave him a little exercise, he’s probably hungry. Tell Andre I said thanks, if you would.”

  “Sure thing, Boss.”

  Nunya came in with Milly and Janet. Nunya saw me and waved. I waved back and said, “Come sit with me, tell me how things are going.”

  They came and sat down. Janet said, “We got the last of the cable put in, and Nunya got it hooked up. Zoom is redoing some things, though. I’m not sure what that’s about.”

  I said, “I think it has something to do with a nosy Captain asking stupid questions.”

  Nunya said, “That would do it. Nosy Captains stir up all kinds of trouble.”

  Janet got a shocked look on her face. She said, “Umm, there’s something touching my leg. It feels like it’s moving. Did some animals get aboard when we were at the planet?”

  I said, “It’s okay. That’s just Snitz. He won’t hurt you.” I looked under the table. Snitz was sleeping, using her foot for a pillow, and leaning against her leg. I said, “He’s just sleeping. If it bothers you, I can get him to go somewhere else.”

  She said, “I guess it’s okay. He’s kind of warm and fuzzy. I never met an animal that didn’t want to hurt me before.” Nunya looked under the table. She said, “That little guy is Snitz, the wonder dog, who figured out how to keep the teaching machines from hurting?”

  I replied, “The very same. Humble, ain’t he?”

  Milly said, “Wait a minute, the teaching machines don’t hurt? I had headaches for days trying to figure out what Janet was saying on the radio.”

  Nunya said, “Nope. Snitz here didn’t like them, because they put out a squeal too high-pitched for humans to hear. The Captain figured out what was bothering him, and fixed the squeal. Voila, no headache.”

  I asked, “I guess I’m missing something. Why couldn’t you understand Janet?”

  Milly said, “She was using an old system of long and short beeps, because she couldn’t scrounge enough parts to do voice.”

  I replied, “Oh, like Morse code. I understand.”

  Janet asked, “Morse code? What’s that?”

  I said, “An old system of long and short beeps, from when radio first started on my planet.”

  Milly said, “You walked right into that one, Janet.”

  Janet replied, “I suppose I did. I’ll have to look up this Morse code, and see how different it is from what we use.”

  I said, “Since it’s designed around a different alphabet, it won’t be too similar, I wouldn’t think.”

  Veronica brought out our food and saved me from trying to remember more about Morse. After we finished, Janet asked, “What should I do? I need to get back to work, and he’s still asleep.”

  I said, “Just wiggle your foot. He’ll wake up enough to move.”

  He stood up, stretched, and wagged his tail. Janet asked, “Is that a weapon he’s waving around?”

  I said, “Nope. That just means he’s happy.”

  She asked, “You mean he communicates with gestures?”

  “Yes. What, you thought he could talk?”

  “I hadn’t thought about it. Talking with gestures seems odd.”

  I said, “Not really, at least not on my planet. Mostly it’s people who are born not being able to hear, but there are other people who do it, too.”

  “Really? Wow.”

  I decided she didn’t really believe me, so I said, “I need to go now.” in Trade talk.

  She asked, “What was that?”

  “I just said ‘I need to go now’ in one of the sign languages from my planet.”

  I got up, and Snitz followed me to the bridge. When we got there, Topper called, “Captain on the bridge!” and I answered, “As you were.” I asked, “Anything I need to know about?”

  Topper replied, “No, Boss. Everything’s quiet.”

  I said, “I better have a seat. You just jinxed us. I have the conn.”

  Topper replied, “Your ship, Sir.”

  I sat watch for an hour or so, but Topper’s jinx didn’t materialize. Veronica showed up, and said, “Captain, your four hours are up. Could you come to the ready room, please?”

  I gave Topper back the conn, and went to take my lesson. When I came out of it, Nikki said, “Wake up, Caveman. We need you.”

  I said, “What happened?”

  “Drive flare in the outer system, and the ship isn’t sending a transponder code.”

  I said, “Gene, get Zoom on the line, please.”

  Zoom said, “Yes, Boss?”

  “Are you finished with the drive killer and the stunner?”

  “Just finished up, Boss. Why?”

  I said, “I think we’re about to give them a live fire test.”

  I turned to Nikki. “Let’s get to the bridge.”

  We went across the passageway, and onto the bridge. I called, “Mr. Topper, I have the conn. Helm, calculate me a nice quiet jump that will put us in the neighborhood of our new friend. Jump when you have a solution.” I looked over at Fire Control. I saw what I wanted to see. “Tex, I want you ready on the drive kil
ler. We’re going to try to be nice, until these folks give us reason to be different.”

  Tex said, “Aye, Sir.”

  We came out of FTL, and got a look at the new arrival. I said, “Gene, page Zoom to the bridge, and give her priority on the transit.”

  Gene said, “Yes, Sir.”

  I asked, “Anyone picking up any comms or radio from that ship?”

  The bot working the sensor console answered, “No, Sir. She’s sitting quiet in space. Should I scan her?”

  “Please. Let’s see what we’re up against.”

  Zoom came running on to the bridge. “Yes, Captain?”

  I replied, “Have a look at this ship. Tell me if you recognize it.”

  She said, “Ugh! That’s nasty, even by my standards. Do we know who’s aboard yet?”

  I said, “They haven’t made a peep. We’re trying to decide what to do next.”

  The image on the screen changed. The ship was rotating toward us. I said, “Tex, if you please.”

  He replied, “No joy, Sir. She must be shielded.”

  I said, “Ruth, dance us around so that they can’t try to ram. See if you can get Tex a shot on their emitters.”

  Ruth said, “On it, Boss.”

  Sensors called out. “Wait, Boss.”

  I said, “Stop moving, Ruth. What do you have, Sensors?”

  “Sir, when they pointed toward us, I saw a flashing light on the front of the ship. It’s not regular, I think it’s some kind of message.”

  I said, “Ruth, line us up with that light. Gene, find Milly and Janet, and get them tied into a screen that’s showing the light, see if they can decode it. Sensors, what does your scan show?”

  “Sir, I read five people aboard. None of them look to be in good shape. It looks like they’re running out of air.”

  Janet came over the intercom. “Sir, it’s not our code. It’s the same pattern, repeating over and over. Three shorts, three longs, and three shorts again.”

  I shouted, “Holy crap!”, then calmer, “Ruth, find an open bay and ease us around that ship. I want them in pressure soonest.”

  Ruth called, “Aye, Sir.”

  I said, “Mr. Topper, you have the conn. Gene, page Andre and his men to whatever bay that ship is coming into, along with Jane Branham, and all the medbots you can break loose. Give me a transit priority to that bay.”

  “Aye, Sir. What of Mrs. Wilson?”

  “Don’t call her in yet. Zoom, you’re with me.”

  Gene asked, “Yes, Sir. May I ask why you don’t want to bring Mrs. Wilson in on this?”

  “It may be something she would be obligated to report, if she saw it.”

  The transit arrived at the bay. We stepped out, greeted by Andre and his fellas. I said, “Stunners, unless and until you are fired upon. These folks appear to be from my home planet, I don’t want to hurt them, unless they give us no choice.”

  Andre said, “Understood, Sir.”

  Zoom called, “The bay has pressure, Sir.”

  Jane came running up, trailing medbots. “What have we got, Bob?”

  I replied, “Danged if I know, but they were flashing an SOS in Morse code. Let’s go find out.”

  We all entered the bay, Andre and his men running to get ahead of me. Jane was beside me, and we both saw the American flag at the same time. Jane said, “Well, here’s another fine mess you’ve gotten me into.”

  I replied, “Ain’t it though!”

  I ran up and knocked on the hatch, saying, “C’mon out, we’ve got good air.”

  Getting no response, I started opening the hatch. I hadn’t seen one of those new 9mms the military bought from the business end before. I said, “Hang on a minute, I’m trying to help you out. Put that thing away, before you make my friends nervous.”

  He said, “What friends? All I see are a couple of ladies, and a bunch of bots. Even I know, bots can’t hurt people.”

  I replied, “You’ve got a thing or two to learn, then. The lady there with the medical bag? She can give you a third eye socket, before you ever see her move. And these bots aren’t your regular garden variety bots. They’re from way back, before they started putting in that limit about not hurting humans. The taller ones there, those are Andre, and his Marines. I would bet you good money that at least two of them have a kill shot on you right now, and they will take it if they think you’re about to do something silly.”

  He replied, “Even if I did believe you, why would I come out?”

  “According to the bot running sensors, you folks are short of air, and have been for a while. We have plenty. From what he got on his scans, the lot of you could probably do with a spell in the autodoc. Now, if you’d rather, we could dump you back out in the black, and let you gasp your last, if that’s your preference.”

  The Sig vanished out of my face, and the hatch came open. The fellow I had been talking to came out with his hands over his head. He said, “My crew are going to need help. I don’t think they can make it out here by themselves.”

  A couple of medbots went aboard to retrieve them. Our visitor looked at Jane. “Lady, I gotta know. Was he telling me the truth?”

  She had her pistol out, pointed between his eyes, and put away again before his mouth could even open. I checked his rank insignia, and said, “Satisfied, Captain?”

  “Yes, Sir, I certainly am.”

  “Good. By the way, you just got a courtesy promotion until you leave the ship. I’m the only Captain on this boat. You’re a Major.”

  He snapped to, and said, “Yes, Sir.”

  I asked, “Is this the part where we get down to name, rank, and serial number, or are you willing to chat about what in the blue blazes you’re doing out here?”

  He said, “Sir, I’ve truly not decided yet. I am truly confused. You speak English, but you’re definitely not in any American uniform. You saved our bacon, there’s no doubt about that. I’m uncertain exactly what I should do.”

  I said, “Let me clear up one point, since you were in error. This is most definitely an American uniform. Don’t you recognize Captain Kangaroo? I asked one of my crew for a dress uniform, and didn’t specify. Now I’m stuck with it.”

  He laughed, and then said, “Pardon me, Captain, but I don’t believe I would have told that one.”

  I said, “Quickest way to show you I’m from Earth, just like you. My dignity is secondary to the mission.”

  “If that’s true, what ship is this? I know no nation on Earth can build a ship this big.”

  “We didn’t build her, we found her, way out in the edges of the Earth system. We call her the Gene Cernan.”

  “The last moonwalker? If this is a scam, you folks are good at it.”

  “Some days I wish it was, Major. Sitting in the big chair wears on a body.”

  He said, “I bet there’s quite a story behind that. I’d like to hear it sometime.”

  “So would your bosses, I have no doubt. I still have people back home, Major, and I’m not going to put them in danger.”

  “No offense intended, Sir.”

  “None taken, just telling you how it has to be. I’ve got a lot of people to take care of, and you folks dropping in my lap doesn’t make that any easier.”

  “I understand, at least a little. We just got sent out to check on what the astronomers thought was a habitable planet.”

  “Well, we can save you a trip, if you’ll take our word for it. You dang sure don’t want to get marooned down there. The oxygen content in the atmosphere is quite a bit higher than what we’re used to, so everything grows big, like Earth in the dinosaur days. So far, it sounds like one of those science fiction books you used to read, right? Well, there’s a catch. In order to get that big, the animals need bunches of steroids. The extra is floating around in the air down there. There are a couple of colonies down there, but everyone is mean as a snake. Not a fun place to visit.”

  “A whole planet of people walking around with ‘roid rage? I’m glad we didn’t get t
here, I suppose, but the animals would have been cool to see.”

  I said, “You’d think so, wouldn’t you? Problem is, they’re all hungry. What we saw when we first got here made it look like they were intelligent enough to work together a little bit. They had a nasty siege going on one of the colonies. The big carnivores were stampeding herbivores into the wall, while the flying predators attacked anybody who got in the open while trying to turn the stampede.”

  “How did the colonists fight that?”

  “Desperately, until we showed up to help.”

  The Major asked, “How did you do that?”

  “Sorry, Major, I’d rather you didn’t know that, if we wind up sending you home. Since we’ve yet to figure that out, you don’t have a need to know.”

  “That’s fair. I’ll probably have to pull the same crap on you at some point.”

  I said, “Maybe not as much as you think. I walked over to his ship, looked at it, and thumped it. “Aluminum, not hull metal. That means it’s only partially Galactic tech. You fly out of Scott AFB then, right?”

  The color drained from his face. “How could you know that?”

  “I didn’t, for sure, till I saw your face. Just a tip, don’t play any poker while you’re aboard. Most of my people are trained in cold reading.”

  More bots came into the bay, pushing autodocs on carts. I looked closer and saw they had their own power supplies. I looked at Jane. “That’s a good idea. Did you guys find those, or have Scotti make them for you?”

  She replied, “John had Scotti put them together after some of the problems we had down on the planet, needing a bot to carry the power supply around.”

  I said, “Good work. Now he’s nosing into my mechanical stuff. I’ll have to razz him about it when he wakes up.”

  “About that. When I woke up, I put him and Dingus into autodocs to clean out. They should be waking up soon.”

  “Excellent. I think we’re going to need the help.”

  The Major spoke up. “Your people needed cleaning out? From what?”

  “Remember I told you about all those steroids down on the planet? Both of those fellas spent quite a bit of time down there trying to help out the natives. Heck, I was only down there a few hours, and they kept me asleep for a whole day, just to make sure I had cleaned myself out.”