Captain Caveman

by Jerry Boyd

  Jane said, “We had a lot of people down from our trip to the planet. I got drugged at a celebration dinner, and had to go in the ‘doc. Heck, even the Captain’s dog found a venomous bobcat and nearly died.”

  The Major looked at me, wonderingly, “You put your dog in the autodoc?”

  I replied, “It’s my wife’s dog. I gotta sleep sometime.”

  He put his hands together and bowed a little. “It is all clear to me now, Great Swami.”

  Jane said, “Do we gotta send him back? He’d fit right in around here.”

  I replied, “I think so too, but he’s probably got at least one political officer on his crew that we wouldn’t be able to risk having around.”

  The Major said, “One and a backup, that I’ve found. I wouldn’t swear there’s not a sleeper as well.”

  I said, “Out of a five-person crew? That’s excessive, don’t you think?”

  “The people who run the program are a whole ‘nother brand of crazy.”

  “I know, tried to hire one of the low-level guys, he was company through and through.”

  He replied, “You mean that crazy was telling the truth? Some hillbilly with Galactic tech tried to hire him? His ex said he was nuts, had him killed.”

  “Sorry to hear that. We told him that was what would happen if he tried to go back to you guys, but he was sure he wanted to. We thought he was trying to get her back.”

  “Probably. He had it bad for her. She only cares about her career.”

  I said, “Kinda sounds like the voice of experience talking.”

  “What was it you said? You don’t have a need to know.”

  I replied, “Something tells me I like it better that way.”

  The medbots hauled out the first naked crew member and put her in an autodoc. The Major asked, “Why did they strip her? Is there going to be some kind of probing involved?”

  Jane replied, “The autodocs won’t work on someone wearing clothes. We haven’t taken the time to figure out why yet.”

  I said, “It’s got to be a software problem. It didn’t whine about Snitz’s collar.”

  The Major asked, “Snitz? Did you sneeze when you were naming him?”

  I replied, “TV character from where my wife comes from. If you ever saw the show, you would understand.”

  “You keep talking about your wife. Is she here?”

  “Nope. I need to ask you a question before I introduce her.”

  He asked, “What’s that?”

  “The drive and FTL components on your ship. Homegrown, or scrounge from a crash?”

  “If you know I fly out of Scott, you should know the answer to that.”

  “I think I do, but I want to be sure. If you turkeys have figured out how to build drive components, that makes everything more complicated.”

  He asked, “Complicated how?”

  “You could fly to the seat of the Commonwealth, and demand member status. That would mean Earth falls under Galactic law, and I would have to move my operation. We’re not ready to do that yet.”

  “That’s all it takes? Just fly to the seat of government and demand it?”

  I replied, “It has to be in a locally made ship. No Galactic components, or components made on Galactic machinery.”

  He said, “Well, so far you have nothing to worry about. We’re still using scrounged components, when we can get them.”

  “The way I hear it, the higher ups won’t let anybody tear into anything to see how it works.”

  “That, and using the alien training equipment hurts like crazy. Nobody will do it voluntarily, even if it does explain a lot.”

  Jane saw me about to speak, and said, “Don’t do it. That could give them the edge they need.”

  I replied, “You’re right. Thanks for stopping me. Guess I just like to brag. Gene, could you page my wife down here, please.”

  “Certainly, Captain.”

  The Major said, “I notice you’re being very careful to avoid using names, Captain.”

  “We still haven’t decided what to do with you, remember? If you go back, I don’t want you to have any more information about us than absolutely necessary.”

  “That makes sense. How would I go about signing up?”

  “First, you would have to pass an interview, to make sure you’re serious, and not just going deep cover for your current bosses. Then, we would need to see if you have some skills we could make use of.” I looked at Jane. “Anything else you can think of?”

  She replied, “I’d rather not run him through the autodoc and enhance him until he’s had a probationary period, so I can’t think of anything, no.”

  He asked, “Enhancements?”

  I said, “She was quick before the autodoc, no doubt. But now she’s just scary. And she hasn’t had time to get used to it yet.”

  “She’s the Medic? I’d hate to see what your fighters can do.”

  Jane said, “Actually, I’m only the assistant Medic. My husband is recovering from the planet, so you got me. I also happen to be Deputy Head of Security, though.”

  “You’re only the Deputy? I hate to see the Head of Security draw.”

  I said, “If he was drawing on you, you wouldn’t see it, unless it was your ghost doing the looking.”

  Dingus spoke up from behind me. “I’m not that quick. What kind of strays did you drag in this time?”

  I said, “Check out the flag on the side of the ship.”

  “Old Glory! That’s gonna be a poser, isn’t it?”

  I replied, “It is. The Major here is making noises about joining up, but he says he has a couple of folks on his crew we shouldn’t trust.”

  “Son, don’t mean to quibble, but them are captain’s bars.”

  I said, “Courtesy promotion. Ain’t but one Captain on this here ship.”

  Dingus replied, “Now you’re making sense. I’m guessing you want me and our lovely medic to give him a colonoscopy, before we let him join up?”

  “If she’s not needed in Medical.”

  “Her hubby is up and about, he has it under control.”

  I said, “Good deal. He is aware we need to be careful what we say in front of these folks, right?”

  “Think about who you’re talking about, Captain.”

  “You’re right, I’m being stupid.”

  Nikki showed up just then. I said, “No names, in case we have to throw him back. He knew the last guy we did that to.”

  “Gotcha. I’ll be careful. They made it out here in that?”

  I replied, “Just friggin’ barely. The Major here was the only one conscious, and they were nearly out of air.”

  We heard a shot from inside the ship, and then a stunner. One of the medbots came out, leaking hydraulic fluid. Zoom ran up, and said, “Oh, Sweetheart, let me look at that. She pulled out a pad, like a comm, only bigger. She said, “You need to let me into your systems, Honey, so I can help.” She tapped on the pad a few times, and the fluid stopped leaking. She said, “You won’t be able to move your left arm till you get that repaired, but you should be able to walk. Head on down to Engineering and get fixed up, okay?”

  The bot said, “Thank you.”, and took off. Two more medbots brought out a stunned crewmember, and dropped him in an autodoc. They didn’t seem quite as careful as they were with the other patient. One turned to me and said, “Here’s the weapon that one used. We were trying to help. Why did he shoot?”

  I said, “I don’t know. Confused and scared, I would guess. Your buddy will be fine, though. Zoom got him mobile and sent him to Engineering.”

  “I’m glad. We’ll be more careful, Sir.”

  “Would you like one of the Marines for security?”

  “I don’t think they could get around inside, Sir. It’s tight in there.”

  “Alright then. Watch yourself.”

  I cleared the pistol, and put the loose round back in the magazine. I stuck the mag in my pocket, and looked at the gun. “Sig 365, when did the service start iss
uing those?”

  The Major spoke up. “They don’t, and I didn’t know he had it.”

  “You’re telling me he snuck it aboard without anyone noticing? I find that hard to believe, on a mission this important.”

  “No, I’m telling you that my bosses have an agenda I’m not privy to, and he is part of it.”

  I replied, “That sounds believable. Is there anybody on your crew you do trust?”

  “That girl you brought out first hasn’t given me any reason not to trust her, but I don’t know her that well.”

  The bots brought out another crewmember. The Major said, “This fellow here, I’ve known since before we got recruited into the program. I trust him. The other one I know is a political plant.”

  I told the bots, “Watch the last one, he may try something stupid.” I turned to the Major. “One thing that’s got me confused. How is it you’re up walking around talking, when the rest of them are in such bad shape?”

  He said, “I grew up in Colorado, up in the mountains above Denver. I’m used to thin air.”

  We heard a stunner, and then the bots brought out the last crewmember. I asked, “This one here is your political officer?”

  The Major said, “Oh, yeah, she tried to get in my pants as soon as she was assigned, kept going on about how we could do great things. Then I found that little pistol she brought aboard. When I confronted her about it, she told me I was only a figurehead, to appease the brass.”

  Nikki said, “Sounds like a real jewel.”

  He replied, “She’s a piece of work, alright.”

  I looked at Jane. “You saw the two he pointed out as possibly trustworthy?”

  “I did. You want the others kept sleeping till we throw them back?”

  “Oh yeah. This is going to be sticky enough without causing ourselves more trouble.”

  I turned to the Major. “Do you have any objection to my engineers going over your ship, getting it ready to go home?”

  “None, Sir.”

  “Okay then. Go with these folks, and they’ll see if you meet our high standards.”

  Nikki said, “High standards? I think you’re the one who’s high.”

  The Major laughed. He said, “I think I would like it here, if you’ll have me.”

  I replied, “Tell you the truth, I think I would like having you. Good luck.”

  I turned to Zoom. “I think you’re probably best suited to get this beast back in the black. Try not to give them any tech they don’t already have, but get the darn thing safe.”

  “On it, Boss.”

  Nikki asked, “Do you think we can get out of this without exposing our operations on Earth?”

  “I hope so, Space Cadet, I hope so.”

  “You know, Caveman, this bucket looks familiar.”

  I replied, “I thought so too. I wonder if the Major was one of the guys chasing us that day?”

  “Don’t know, but if he passes his interview, I’m danged sure going to find out.”

  Zoom stuck her head out the hatch. “I think we should call this ship ‘Fish’.”

  I knew better, but I asked anyway. “Why Fish?”

  “Because you can tune a piano, but you can’t tune a fish. I thought my stuff was bush league. These bozos take the cake.”

  I asked, “Can you fix it without giving away the store?”

  Zoom said, “Boss, if the way this is wired is what they think is the right way to do things, anything I do is going to tell them something they don’t know.”

  “What do you suggest?”

  “Well, Boss, the first thing that comes to mind is to fill up their oxygen tanks, and haul them back to Earth system before we kick them loose. It’s the only way I see to get them home safe without giving away a bunch of information.”

  I asked, “We could get this beast inside one of the smaller freighters, couldn’t we? No need to take the Gene?”

  “That would work. How do you figure to wake them up without getting seen?”

  I asked, “Could you rig a nighty-night with a time delay?”

  Zoom said, “You, Boss, are a sneaky individual. That’s why I like working here. Of course, we could.”

  Nikki asked, “What next, Caveman?”

  “We better go by and make sure John knows which patients get a nighty-night when they get done in the box. Besides, I have to give him crap for doing engineering, instead of doctor stuff.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  I said, “He came up with that cart to carry the autodocs around, that has a power supply built in.”

  “So, you’re going to get payback for the whole ‘autodoc cures alcoholism’ thing?”

  “I doubt it. John is way better at this kind of thing. But at least I can make an effort.”

  When we got to medbay, John was directing the medbots to dock the autodoc carts to their holders on the wall. The lights on the carts changed as they docked and changed over to ship’s power. I said, “Oh, looky here, he didn’t just design autodoc carts, he has a whole autodoc system, with hard docks and automatic power changeover. I don’t think I want to hear any more about alcoholism.”

  John said, “I didn’t design a thing. I just asked Scotti nicely if she could come up with a system that would work better for moving trauma cases in from the landing bay.”

  I replied, “And if I didn’t give you some crap about it, you’d have me in one of those, trying to figure out what was wrong with me.”

  John said, “It’s really a good thing you still have a good head of hair.”

  Nikki said, “Yep. That point is uncomfortable enough now. When he goes bald, I’ll have to wear armor to bed.”

  I said, “I wonder why I thought this was a good idea? I never win these things.”

  John said, “But you never give up, Bob. That’s the thing we like about you.”

  “Yeah, yeah, whatever. Did Jane tell you which of these get woke up for interview and which ones need a nighy-night when they get done in the box?”

  “Indeed she did. Did I understand right? These are Earth folks?”

  “Indeedy. From good ol’ Scott AFB.”

  John looked stunned. “They got one of those half Earth tech monstrosities out this far?”

  I replied, “It was a near thing. They were almost out of air. Apparently, the planet of Roids looks good as a colony candidate.”

  “I can see that, but how were they supposed to report back if they ran out of air?”

  “You got me. All I know for sure is that Zoom told me she couldn’t find a way to make the stupid thing safe, without showing them things they hadn’t figured out for themselves.”

  John said, “Let me get this straight. Zoom said their workmanship wasn’t even fixable?”

  “Not exactly. She said if she wired things the way they should be, it would tell them a lot about what they were doing wrong.”

  John said, “Wow. That makes it hard to have much Earther pride, you know?”

  “I do. I guess we’ll just have to try and make up for it.”

  “How do you figure to get them home?”

  I said, “Fill up their air, and dump them out of the back of a freighter back in our Solar System.”

  John asked, “How do you figure to get away before they wake up?”

  “Zoom is working on nighty-nights with a time delay.”

  “One other thing, weren’t there five crewmembers? I only got four.”

  I answered, “He was conscious and walking around, so Dingus and Jane went ahead and interviewed him.”

  “How did he manage that? The rest of these folks are not in good shape.”

  I said, “He claimed he grew up high in the Rockies, and he was used to thin air.”

  John said, “I bet he has a Peruvian ancestor, also.”

  “Could be, I never caught his name.”

  Nikki said, “Good grief, Caveman, he had a name tag on his shirt. Cachi.”

  “I was too busy watching his face for deception.�
��

  John was fiddling with his watch. He asked, “How was that spelled?”

  Nikki said, “C-A-C-H-I”

  John replied, “Got it. Yep, just like I thought, Peruvian.”

  Nikki asked, “Why is that a big deal?”

  John replied, “Some of the folks up in the Andes have larger, more efficient lungs, because they’ve lived way up in the mountains for many generations. It would help explain why your Major Cachi was able to stay alert while the rest of his crew passed out.”

  Nikki said, “I see. That makes sense.”

  My comm rang. “Captain Wilson.”

  “Captain, it’s Zoom. Could you come back to the landing bay, please? We’ve found some weapons, and we’re not sure how to make them safe.”

  “I’ll be right there.”

  I turned to John and said, “Zoom has found a weapons stash. Wanna come have a look?”

  “These folks are all getting what they need, I might as well.”

  We all headed to the landing bay. Zoom said, “In here, Captain.”

  As I stepped through the hatch, their lack of air scrubbers assaulted me. I said, “Ahh, rancid gym sock, my favorite.”

  John said, “Suddenly, I’m not sure if they ran out of something to breathe, or they just quit wanting to.”

  Nikki said, “You fellas have fun. I’ll wait in the bay.”

  Zoom said, “I can’t believe they don’t have better scrubbers.”

  I said, “From what I’ve seen so far, I’d guess they had something better, but it quit working.”

  Zoom asked, “Should I fix it for them?”

  I replied, “Use your judgment. If you can help without giving them too much, go for it. Where are these weapons?”

  She showed us. “This is the bunk of the last person the medbots took off, the one the Major said was a political officer.” She rolled back the mattress. A small blued automatic lay under it. I didn’t recognize it, but John said, “Russian PSM, that’s an odd choice, for a space mission.”

  Zoom asked, “Why do you say that?”

  John replied, “It shoots a small bullet, fairly fast. A stray shot would almost certainly put a hole in the ship. Something bigger and slower would seem like a better choice. A 380, like the Captain carries, for instance.”