Captain Caveman

by Jerry Boyd

  Zoom rubbed her butt. “That thing does plenty of damage, even if it is slow.”

  John said, “That’s right, you would know, wouldn’t you?” He picked up the pistol and cleared it. The extra round wouldn’t fit in the magazine, so he put it in his pocket. He asked, “What should I do with this?”

  I replied, “I dunno, keep it for a souvenir?” He stuck it in his pocket. I said, “You mentioned a stash. Surely that wasn’t all there was to it?”

  Zoom said, “No, not at all. That drawer under the head of the bed has something under it, according to my scanner.” I pulled the drawer out, and turned it over on the bed. I laughed. “Those things have the worst reputation for reliability of just about anything. Why would you drag one out here?”

  John looked, and said, “No! Really, a COP 357? Doesn’t it say in the instruction manual to try using harsh language first?”

  I replied, “I’ve read, if you keep them super clean, and feed them ammo they like, you might get through a couple loads of four before they quit.” I pulled it out of the duct tape holding it to the drawer, and popped it open to clear it. John said, “Isn’t the extractor supposed to push those rounds out for you?”

  “I thought so.” I got out my knife and pulled the rounds free, dumping them in a pocket. I closed the pistol-shaped junk and put it in another pocket. Zoom said, “Wouldn’t you expect those drawers to go all the way across the bed?” John replied, “Yes, I do believe you would, and the one Bob pulled out is quite a bit short. Do you have a light of some kind?” She handed him a flashlight out of her tool pouch. He got down to look into the cavity the drawer had come out of. He said, “We need to pull the rest of these drawers, so we can get at all this stuff, we’re just getting started.” I pulled out the other two drawers, and laid them on the bunk. There was a rather large personal appliance lying on top of one of them. Zoom saw it and said, “Oh my! Ambitious, isn’t she?”

  I replied, “So it would appear. Were you counting that when you said ‘weapons stash’?”

  “Perhaps I should have been, but no.”

  John, still on the floor, asked, “What are you two going on about?”

  I said, “You’ll have to see it to believe it, John. I can’t do it justice with words.”

  He replied, “Likewise, with what I found. You ready?”

  I said, “Sure, start handing things out.”

  He handed me a short-barreled AR, I checked the chamber and found a round. As I rolled it over to lay it on the bed, I noticed it was full auto. I said, “We may have found Jane a new toy, if it’s reliable.” John replied, “You’re joking, she brought a machine gun on this dinky little ship?” I said, “I wish I was joking. The sooner we’re rid of this fine specimen, the happier I’ll be.” He handed me an 870. I pumped it empty. John said, “Please tell me that was full of birdshot, or door breach rounds.”

  I replied, “Nope, slugs.”

  “What was she thinking?” I said, “I’m afraid I’m happier not knowing, John. How much more is there?”

  “One more gun, a bunch of ammo, and some electronics I’m not too sure about.” I replied, “Hand me out the gun and ammunition, and I’ll comm Taz to come up here and look at the electronics. No sign of explosives?”

  “Not so far. I wouldn’t put it past her, though.”

  I commed Taz. “Yes, Boss?”

  “Could you come down to the bay where we brought in the Earth ship? We’ve got some ‘James frickin’ Bond‘ stuff we’re not too sure about.”

  “Sure, Boss. What kind of stuff?”

  “John says electronics, I haven’t seen it.”

  “Be there right away. Bye.”

  “Bye, Taz.” I got off the comm just in time to get the next weapon John handed out. I dropped the magazine and cleared the chamber before I went all fanboy. “Skorpion, really? I never figured I would get to see one of these up close.” John replied, “I know, right? Between that and the PSM, you have to wonder who she works for.” John dug out all the ammo and spare mags he could find, and I stacked them on the bed. Taz showed up about the time we finished. He said, “Sorry I took so long, Boss.”

  I replied, “Don’t worry about it, we’re just now ready for you.” John got out of the way, to let Taz down to where he could get at the electronics. When John stood up, he saw the personal appliance that had caught Zoom’s eye. He said, “Oh! That is impressive.” Taz lay there scanning for some time, then he said, “Boss, most of this appears to be control circuits for the ship. I think they may be the right pieces, and this person has swapped in inferior hardware, to make the ship perform poorly, since, just having a stash of spares under your bunk doesn’t make a lot of sense.” Zoom asked, “Could I see some of what you have there, please, Taz?”

  He began handing her parts. Once he finished, he pulled out one last piece. He said, “Now this, Boss, is a horse of a different color. If this one had been changed out with right the part, the ship would have detonated, rather than entering FTL.” John looked at me. “I don’t know about you, Bob, but I’m getting a real suicide bomber vibe off this lady.” I replied, “I wish I could argue with you, but I feel the same way. Almost wish I was still under the influence of the planet, then I’d have an excuse for sending her on a walk outside.”

  Zoom finished her scans of the parts. She said, “Taz is right. These are the right parts for the ship. Some of the garbage I’ve been griping about was deliberate sabotage. I can put these pieces back in, and get the ship running quite a bit better.”

  I said, “Go ahead and do that. We’re going to have to figure out what we’re doing with the crew, and then we’ll get this ship back where it came from.” She took off to get started. Taz stood up. I asked, “Could you scan this compartment, and make sure we haven’t missed any party favors? Heck, while you’re at it, scan the whole ship for anything out of place. This boat just ain’t right.”

  Taz replied, “On it, Boss.” John and I put the drawers back, and hauled off all the weapons. I asked as we left the ship, “Are you still taking care of the armory, or does that fall to Dingus nowadays?”

  John said, “I still have it, just because Dingus hasn’t decided he needs to take it over, more than anything.”

  “We don’t have any 32 in stock, do we?”

  “Nope. We can pick up a pallet the next time we’re home, if you like that Skorpion that much.”

  I replied, “I’d like to put a few mags through it, at least, just to see what it’s like.”

  “It would be nicer with a can on it, I know that. I’ll see what I can find you.”

  “Thanks, John. You don’t think Jane would want it?”

  “Jane, carry a 32, even if it was full auto? I don’t think so. She’s a big bore kinda lady.”

  I replied, “I believe I’ll leave that one where it fell.”

  John said, “Thanks. I really stuck my foot in my mouth, didn’t I?”

  “You did a fair job, yes Sir.”

  We got to the armory, and started putting things away. John popped the handguards on the AR. He said, “Didn’t Ian and Karl say DI was unreliable on a gun this short?”

  I answered, “As I remember, it was just Karl, but yeah, I remember that.” He showed me the gas tube. I said, “Surely we can find a piston upper to put on it for Jane.”

  John replied, “If they didn’t pay any more attention to detail then that when they built it, I don’t have a lot of faith in the rest of it.”

  I said, “I see your point. You’d be better off building her one from scratch.”

  Gene came over the intercom. “Captain, Veronica asks that you come to the ready room. She says your four hours are up.”

  “Thanks, Gene. On my way.”

  John asked, “What’s that about?”

  “Sally is trying to teach me how to be a Captain.”

  I caught a transit, and met Veronica at the ready room. She said, “Sally wanted me to ask if you’re having any side effects from the accelerated training
?”

  I replied, “Well, I do have delusions of adequacy, but other than that, no.”

  She said, “Good one, Boss. Have a seat, and let’s get to it.”

  When I got back from the land of learning, Snoopy was on my desk, singing about suppertime. I wasn’t sure what was happening, until Velma let her camo fade and said, “How did I do, Boss?”

  I replied, “Dang good, your camo is really getting impressive!” She said, “As long as I remember not to leave tracks.” I replied, “We got that fixed before it was a problem, and you know for next time. Seems like a win to me. You say I’m supposed to go and eat?”

  “Yes, Boss.”

  “Do you need a hand down, or can you get it yourself?”

  Velma said, “I’ve got it, but thanks, Boss.”

  She climbed down, and I headed off to the galley.

  When I arrived, Dingus and Jane were sitting with Major Cachi. I went over and sat with them. I said, “I’m guessing he passed?”

  Dingus replied, “Flying colors. He’s afraid to go back, thinks he’s liable to get the same treatment as the last one we had to throw back.”

  I replied, “Well, he’s too nice a fella for that. Suppose we’ll have to keep him.”

  Major Cachi spoke up. “Thanks, Captain.”

  Dingus said, “Don’t thank him yet. He’ll work it out of you, no doubt at all.”

  I said, “If we’re going to be working together, we ought to get introduced.” I stuck my hand out and said, “Bob Wilson. Nice to meet you.” He shook, and said, “Diego Cachi, Nice to meet you as well. Before you ask, I don’t have a girlfriend named Joanie.”

  I said, “You’re right, Jane. I believe he will fit right in.”

  Dingus asked, “What was that about?”

  I said, “Some of that television you missed out on while you were in the box.”

  Diego asked, “In the box?”

  I replied, “Dingus here got marooned. Wound up in an autodoc for a hundred and forty years or so.”

  “What planet?”

  “Ours. I just got lucky, and bought the place where he was, right before his power core went out. We managed to find all the stuff he left to wake him up with, and get him out before he ran out of power.”

  Diego got an odd look, studying Dingus. He said, “You look pretty human to me.”

  I said, “Near as we can tell, we were fairly close, genetically, and then the crew of this fine ship had to abandon, and made for Earth, where they did as humans do, and interbred. We’re still cross fertile. In case you get a date with a Galactic lady, be careful. If you can’t do that, name it after me.”

  Diego said, “That brings back memories. A fellow I worked with in high school always used to say that.”

  I asked, “Other than being good company, what skills do you bring to our organization?”

  He said, “Pilot, through multi-engine jets and spacecraft. Decent with electronics.” I stopped him. “I have an engineer that might debate that with you. Were you aware that your political officer was replacing some of your modules with inferior parts?”

  Diego said, “I was aware of system performance making step changes for the worse when I was asleep, but I didn’t know for sure what was happening.”

  Jane said, “I saw John. He mentioned the two of you would rather send her out for a walk than send her home.”

  I replied, “That about sums it up, but I can’t think of a reason to. She’s not even the one who shot our bot.”

  Zoom came into the galley. She looked Diego up and down, then she said, “Who’s the new guy, Boss?”

  I said, “This is Diego Cachi, recently of the U.S. Space Force, now a new hire at Bob’s Saucer Repair.”

  She replied, “Cachi, huh? Can I change my name to Joanie, Boss?”

  “Let’s see, last time I changed your name, I shot you in the butt. You want the right cheek this time, so you match?”

  Zoom replied, “That’s okay, Boss, I’m fine with Zoom. What department is he gonna be in?”

  I said, “Well, he claims to know a little electronics, but he didn’t catch those bad modules. You might could have him, but you better run him through Remedial Diagnostics.”

  Diego said, “Why is it I feel like a side of beef?”

  Dingus asked, “Is there somewhere you’d rather work than Engineering?”

  Diego looked Zoom up and down, winked, and said, “No, I think I like the looks of Engineering just fine.”

  Zoom turned red in the face. I said, “Whole different game when he can throw it right back at you, isn’t it?”

  She mumbled, “Yes, Boss.”

  We had a fine meal, with Zoom and Diego flirting the whole time. I wondered where Nikki was, but she didn’t show up. Finally, I asked Jane, “Do you know where Nikki has got to?”

  “She ate early, said she was headed to the simulator deck to get some practice in.”

  I replied, “We have a simulator deck?”

  Diego looked at me, cocked his head, and asked, “You’re the Captain, and you don’t know the ship?”

  “Gene Cernan has been back in the black for not even two weeks. I’m Captain because I’m the head of Bob’s Saucer Repair, and we salvaged her in the name of the company. I’m doing my on-the-job training as fast as I can.”

  Diego replied, “No offense intended, Captain.”

  I said, “None taken. It’s been a rough few days, and I’m a little wound. Sorry if I unloaded on you.”

  He said, “I can take a little of that, if it’s the price for saving me and my crew way out here in the deep black.”

  When I finished eating, I asked Gene for a path to the simulator deck. He said, “Just grab a transit, and I’ll take you there, Captain.”

  I replied, “I’d rather take the long way, if it’s not too much trouble. Diego’s right, I should know the ship better than I do.”

  “Yes, Boss.”

  My trip took longer than it should have, because I was stopping and looking in doors to find out what was where. I found Snitz on the way, and he decided to tag along. When I got to the simulator deck, I found Veronica waiting for me. I asked, “Are you officially my training officer now, or what?”

  “Sally asked me to take care of it for her. She’s got other things she needs to see to, and I get along with you well enough.”

  “I see. So, I’m guessing there is a particular simulation you want me to work on, while I’m here?”

  “There is, as a matter of fact. If you would step this way please?”

  The ghost of Groucho possessed me for a moment. “If I could step that way, I wouldn’t need the talcum.”

  Veronica froze for a second, accessing the culture pack. “Funny, Boss, but it won’t get you out of doing your lessons.” I climbed into the simulator, and Snitz decided to sit in my lap. Veronica closed us in, and started the simulator. The scenarios got tougher as the session went on. I was surprised how much I had learned in just three sessions with the teaching machine. It was hard to keep from laughing when Snitz joined me in leaning into the turns, even though the simulator didn’t move. After what seemed like a half hour or so, the simulation stopped, and Veronica opened the door. She said, “That’s enough for right now, Sir. It’s time for another training course.”

  I said, “Isn’t it too soon? Did John lower the requirements for rest again?”

  Nikki was standing there as well, and she said, “Caveman, you’ve done a solid three hours in there. Come on out.” Snitz was looking at the screen, panting and waiting for the next sim to start. I said, “Sorry, Buddy. Maybe we can play again another day. He slunk down off my lap and went to Nikki. I unfolded myself out of the simulator, and realized I had been in longer than I thought. Nikki pointed me to the little boys’ room, and I felt like taking on the world again. Veronica and Nikki were waiting for me. Veronica said, “Boss, let’s head up to the ready room, and get you going with the teaching machine. We’re taking the transit this time, none of your meanderi
ng.” Suddenly, it hit me I had been snookered. I turned to Nikki. “You were the bait to draw me down here and get me in the simulator. Did you even fly any missions?”

  Nikki replied, “Of course I did. Sally did happen to mention the simulator deck when it was convenient for her, to draw you down here, but I wasn’t in on the planning.”

  I asked Veronica, “So, she didn’t think I would come down here and do the work, just because she asked me to?”

  “I believe she thought this method had a higher chance of success. She said I should mention the company motto if you asked about it. What is the company motto, Boss?”

  I replied, “Murphy is our shepherd.” Veronica froze for a second, accessing the culture pack. “Oh, I see. We must always prepare for worse than we expect, because we can’t predict what chance will throw at us.”

  “Well said, Veronica.”

  We headed out, and grabbed a transit. I did my training, and we headed back to our cabin. I took Snitz by his grass box on the way. When I got to the cabin, Nikki was already asleep. I quietly got into bed, and fell sound asleep. Just a note, if you ever find yourself faced with a similar situation, don’t train on space battle tactics and go straight to bed. I was fighting Gorns and Klingons all night. Snitz rescued me with a lick to the ear. Good thing, they were figuring out all my tricks, and I was about to get clobbered. We went and found his box, and I went back to the cabin to get cleaned up, before breakfast. When I stepped out of the cabin, Veronica was waiting for me. I asked, “Before coffee? That’s cruel and unusual.”

  Veronica said, “Sally wanted me to remind you that any adversaries we might face will not be so courteous as to let you get a cup of coffee before they attack.”

  “Sally makes you do this so I don’t get resentful of her, doesn’t she?”

  Veronica replied, “I don’t know her motives, Sir, but it sounds reasonable. You will have to work closely with her in the future. If you harbored resentment from training, it would hamper that.”

  “I suppose you’re right.” We got to the ready room, and she lit me up. When I came back, Snitz was sitting in my lap, looking up at me expectantly. I said, “You want to go in the simulator again? I’ve got to get some breakfast before we do that.” I gave him some pets, and he jumped down and ran off. Once Veronica got the headset off me, I headed for the galley. Phonelia was there, apparently waiting for me. I said, “Good morning, Phonelia, I haven’t seen you for a few days. Are you doing alright?”