Being Graves

by Drew Sera

  I tilted my head back, laughing, and held my hand over my side.

  “Really, Colin? Do you want to be me?” I asked him jokingly.

  He shook his head laughing.

  “No, my dick would wear me the hell out. I’m almost thirty. I can’t do this two or three scene stuff you do some nights.”

  I nodded and looked down for a moment.

  “I don’t come all those times when I’m doing multiple scenes.”

  “Still, that requires a lot of energy and attention. And I’ve watched you; you don’t half-ass anything.”

  “I have a lot of energy to spend every day. The scenes relax me, believe it or not. They make me feel…” I trailed off for a moment as something hit me. I do multiple scenes sometimes when I want to feel needed. Like I’m doing someone some good. I’m not ashamed of it, but I feel like I need to chat with Blake about this. “They make me feel really good,” I said to Colin before turning to look at him. “Nothing makes me feel as good as being the man that can meet their needs. It fulfills a need in me.”

  I gripped my glass of Coke and looked down at the floating ice cubes that remained.

  “Damn, Anth.”

  “What?”

  “That’s some deep, brutal honesty shit.”

  I smiled as Colin smiled and jostled my shoulder. He looked over my shoulder, and I turned to see what he was looking at. Blake was right there leaning against the bar.

  “It’s very honest. Soul-baring stuff.” Blake nodded and agreed with Colin but never took his eyes off me. “He’s lucky to be so young and know without a shadow of a doubt why he takes part in these power scenes.”

  I shrugged and took a sip from my glass as Blake shook his head.

  “Young and yet so mature. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders,” Blake said and sat down beside me.

  Matt came over and sat down on the other side of Colin and began talking to him about a scene he just did. Since Colin was occupied, Blake caught my attention again.

  “I mean it, Anthony.”

  “I’m nothing to brag about, Blake.”

  He put his hand on my shoulder, just like my dad used to.

  “You need to let go of whatever demons that still have a hold on you,” he said quietly.

  I shook my head at him and could feel my heart start to pound. My bouncing leg quickly followed, and before I knew it, I had my hand on my stomach.

  “Anthony,” Blake squeezed my shoulder and said my name quietly.

  Only I didn’t hear his voice; I heard my dad’s.

  I abruptly got off the bar stool and quickly said goodnight to everyone. I didn’t wait for any responses, and I paced while I waited for my jacket at the check-in desk. The doors leading to the club from the lobby opened, and Blake appeared. As I suspected, he followed me out to the parking lot.

  “Anthony,” he called as he approached me.

  I leaned against my truck with my hand over my stomach.

  “What’s wrong? Why are you so upset?”

  All I could do was shake my head at him. He’s my mentor and friend, and I needed to pull it together.

  “I can’t talk about it, Blake.”

  “Why?”

  I continued to shake my head as I felt the lump in my throat and the ache in my chest building.

  “Blake, I need to go home. I’m sorry. I can’t talk about this right now.”

  “Anthony, if not now…when? You can’t keep beating yourself up over his death.”

  “I’m not!”

  “You are. The second you let go of that guilt, that chest ache you have will go away. It weighs you down horribly, Anthony. You have to let go of the guilt.”

  I took a deep breath and it felt like a ton of bricks were on my chest. Blake reached out and squeezed my shoulder again. All I felt were my dad’s hands.

  “Go home and get some rest. Think about what I said.”

  I nodded and was about to get into my truck, when Colin came out and walked over.

  “Anth, you ok? You left so fast.”

  “I’m fine. Sorry about that.”

  “Alright. Well, I’ll meet you tomorrow in the atrium at work?” Colin asked.

  I nodded.

  “Yes, I’ll be there.”

  Colin and I meet in the atrium in the mornings for coffee before we head up to the Everett Gaming floors. I enjoyed it. It was coffee, and Colin and I usually joked about something. I enjoyed working with him. Colin turned and caught up with Matt who was approaching as well. They were calling it a night too.

  “I’m a phone call away, Anthony,” Blake reminded me before he let me go for the night.

  “I know, thank you.”

  * * *

  The start of sixth grade brought a lot of uncertainties for me. I was starting middle school which meant Physical Education classes, locker rooms and showers. I was very nervous about that, but I would just have to be extra careful. I was a professional at hiding, so this shouldn’t be too bad.

  Clothes and “stuff” were now important. If you didn’t have the right clothes, there was no chance of fitting in or making friends. Which, was ok with me because I didn’t want friends. I didn’t need anyone. I had jeans that fit for the most part and solid colored t-shirts. I was far from stylish, but I didn’t stick out awkwardly either.

  As I settled in for the sixth grade welcome assembly, I glanced around at my classmates. There were a lot of kids sitting by themselves like me. I was happy to be away from elementary school.

  No more Connor.

  The assembly started and the dean of students announced the new principal for this year. My head whipped up just as they announced Connor’s name. The asshole took the stage and microphone and began spewing shit about how excited he was to be in a middle school.

  How did he fucking do this?

  He positioned himself at the exit and greeted a lot of kids as everyone exited. Some kids that were here from my last school recognized him and joked briefly with him. Idiots. They had no idea what a fucking dick he is. I tried to mix in with a few kids to zip by him, but he saw me. He was probably looking for me.

  Connor clamped his hand down on my sore shoulder that he and Bruce used last night as a punching bag. Why didn’t they tell me last night that he had transferred schools?

  “Good morning, Mr. Graves.”

  I reminded myself that I was at school. I had to play along.

  “Good morning,” I replied.

  “I hope you have a great school year, Anthony. Maybe your behavior will be a bit better this year, and I won’t be seeing you much in my office.”

  I nodded.

  “Yes, sir. That’s my goal,” I said and strolled off to my first class of my sixth grade year.

  Fuck! I woke up, heart pounding and my shirt soaked in sweat. Fucking dream. I glanced at the clock on the nightstand: 4:10 a.m. Damn. I leaned against my headboard for a while to catch my breath and calm down. I hoped I’d be able to shake the dream and settle back down, but it was too vivid. Just like it was yesterday.

  When I started shivering, I pushed myself out of bed to get a dry and warm shirt. With my stomach doing the familiar quivering, I shuffled to the thermostat and kicked the heat on. When I climbed back in bed, I had to sleep on the other side that was dry. I grabbed my plush football off the nightstand and let it lay against my stomach under the sheets and blankets.

  It wasn’t like I was holding it. It was just, there. And it comforted me for a while.

  Beep! Beep! Beep!

  I rolled over and shut the alarm clock off.

  “Fucking bitch alarm clock. Dammit, you’re a tramp. And I hate you,” I mumbled while I sleepily stared at the ceiling of my room.

  I had to get up despite being utterly drained. Pulling myself out of bed, I went through my routine and soon found myself on my way to Colin’s building. I had downed a Coke on my way to work, so at least I already had some caffeine running through my system.

  I spotted Colin’s BMW in the
parking garage and thought to myself how put together he is. He’s not even thirty yet and already has a gaming company that is on the rise. I wondered how he ran into his money. I doubt it was the same way I had it fall into my lap.

  Inside, the atrium was already bustling with people trying to get their morning coffee from the coffee shop store before starting their day. I saw Colin in line and opted to wave at him and point to a table so he knew where I was sitting.

  He nodded and asked, “Your usual?” I nodded to confirm my usual.

  I’ve only been working at Everett Gaming for a few weeks, but Colin and I were becoming great friends, and we were learning a lot about one another. I glanced at the sports section of the newspaper; Colin and I often jab at each other about our college sports teams. Basketball was going on now, and his team was doing really well.

  “Hey, morning. One, boring ass, black coffee for you,” Colin poked as he set our coffees on the table and sat down. “No one would know just by looking at your coffee preference that your taste in the bedroom is far from boring.”

  “I’ve never even fucked a woman in a bedroom,” I added to his comment confirming my sex life isn’t boring.

  Colin laughed out loud and lightly pounded his fist on the table. I shook my head at him as I thanked him for the coffee. Colin was decked out in a black suit, white shirt and a tasteful red tie. He looked like the CEO of a company. Some people just “look” their roles, and Colin had all the pieces perfectly placed in his life. He had a lot going for him and was a really positive guy to be around.

  “My coffee is masculine; it’s strong. What did you get today?”

  “Coffee, just like you but it is hot buttered rum flavored,” Colin laughed along with me.

  “It’s a girl’s coffee,” I said and took a sip from my cup.

  “Speaking of which...” Colin quietly said and motioned with his head slightly to my left.

  I carefully looked to the left and saw three women at a table with their coffee, and all of them were looking at me. I winked and smiled at them, which resulted in some hushed giggles and red faces.

  “They’ve been staring at you since I was in line. They were in front of me saying how sexy you are and how the building finally has a sexy man to stare at. I thought about leaning forward and telling them that they should see you fuck.” I rolled my eyes. “Fuck, the way they’re staring you’d think your dick was hanging out, or your pants weren’t zipped.”

  I sighed and focused on my coffee.

  “What, none of them appeal to you?” he asked.

  “No, not unless they were in Irons. I’m not the dream date guy. In fact, I don’t date. I just play. I want nothing permanent. No attachment.”

  “Understood, I get it. But come on, they’ve got to be, what, maybe twenty years older than you. You’d be making their year,” Colin joked. “What, no fetish to dominate an older woman? Not interested in sex with a cougar?”

  I felt bile rising in my mouth, and suddenly my stomach ached. A fleeting thought of my mom raced through my mind as I thought about the many times she had taken advantage of me.

  “No, not interested,” I said flatly hoping he’d drop the cougar talk.

  “So, what’s going on with our teams?” Colin asked and grabbed the sports page.

  I knew what was coming next and calmly sipped my coffee. And sure enough, Colin tossed out the basketball jabs.

  “Damn, Anth. Looks like your Cal Bears lost by twenty-three.” He paused while he was scanning the page and when he found what he was looking for, he let out a short burst of laughter. “My Bruins killed the Huskies! Yes!”

  “What the fuck-ever,” I teased. “A ‘Bruin’ is a dumb ass name for a mascot.”

  Colin pretended to be offended.

  “You know, we’re really the same. You’re a California Bear, and I’m a UCLA Bruin. We’re practically the same,” he said in an almost serious tone, but he laughed at the end.

  “You have a fancy name to make yourself look not as violent,” I teased.

  “You’re absolutely right.” We picked up our coffee and headed toward the elevator and Colin continued his school banter. “Of course, the UCLA Bruin wears a fan-fucking-tastic t-shirt.”

  “Because he’s a pussy and doesn’t want to show off the fact he has man-boobs. He uses the t-shirt as a cover for what he lacks. Now, the Cal Bear doesn’t wear a t-shirt. He’s proud of his muscles and shows them off.”

  As we rode up to his floors, he switched gears and turned all work.

  “Tomorrow I have a lunch meeting with Harrah’s to see about getting a contract with them. I’ve spoken with them before, and they’re a tough bunch. I’d like for you to attend the lunch meeting with me.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes. I talked with Pat down in finance, and he said you’re picking everything up quickly. I’d like you to see how these meetings go.”

  “Yeah, I’d love to.”

  I knew that I had an opportunity in front of me and decided that I’d work through lunch and pull some of Harrah’s info. I’d like to be well versed with their company info before going into a meeting.

  When I got home, I quickly changed into my lounge pants and went to the kitchen in search of dinner. I scanned the pantry and fridge and nothing appealed to me, so I ordered pizza and sat down on the couch to spread out all my papers I brought home.

  I spent the evening prepping for the Harrah’s meeting tomorrow. I memorized their figures and read about their long-term goals and expansion projects. I also learned who all of their key players were. And I’m pretty confident that Colin knew all of this info like the back of his hand, too.

  I woke up startled and with my heart pounding. I knew that I wouldn’t find that taste in my mouth, but I still ran my tongue along my teeth and gums. My head throbbed when I turned to look at the alarm clock. It wasn’t even midnight yet, and I was wide awake.

  I decided to get up and go walk around Harrah’s for a while. As I walked into Harrah’s, I felt good about being here. This would actually be productive while also taking my mind off Bruce. For a while, I wandered and then played a few rounds of video poker as I paid attention to the electronic machines. Throughout the casino, there were signs indicating that changes were coming. I knew this was about their renovations for the upcoming year. Harrah’s hasn’t officially announced it, but I read a little about it last night, and their signage hinted at it. I moved around the casino and made my way to their sports book. While I watched basketball highlights, a hot waitress brought me over a Coke.

  “Handsome and all alone tonight?” she asked as she handed me my Coke.

  “Yep,” I replied with a wink and a smile.

  I could tell she was surprised that I was alone and she let her eyes roam my body. Women often undress me with their eyes, just as she was. This behavior is nothing new to me. She hung around longer than necessary and told me to let her know if I needed anything. Over the span of the hour that I sat in the sports book, she walked by me at least half a dozen times, stopping twice to offer to refill my glass. I took her up on it both times.

  Though my eyes were glued to the giant screens overhead, my mind was still full of rage from my nightmare of Bruce. Glancing around for the server I found her a short distance away. She was obviously hanging around just in case I needed something. When our eyes connected, I tilted my head upward and she smiled while making her way over to me.

  “Another Coke?” she brightly asked.

  I shook my head and pulled my wallet out. I was tired now and needed to get a few hours sleep.

  “Heading home. Thank you for your hospitality…your smiles kept me company tonight.”

  I put my empty glass on her tray and set a few twenty dollar bills on the tray. She smiled graciously at the tip and wished me a pleasant evening. I nodded as I turned and walked toward the parking garage.

  Beep! Beep! Beep!

  “Fucking alarm clock,” I mumbled,

  Ignoring the dull ac
he in my side, I got out of bed immediately and took four ibuprofen for the pain. Four usually does the trick.

  I needed to be on my toes today for the meeting with Harrah’s. I put on my gray suit, white shirt, and a light blue tie. I looked all business and was ready for the lunch meeting.

  “Ready?” Colin asked me as I picked up the phone at my desk.

  “Yeah, I’ll meet you at the elevator.”

  I hung up and pulled my suit jacket on as I walked to the elevator. Colin was already standing there talking to two of the guys from the legal department.

  “Good luck guys,” one of the attorneys said as Colin and I got into the elevator.

  I could tell that Colin’s concentration was on the upcoming business, so I wasn’t going to jab him with the fact that his Bruins lost last night. He was quiet until we got in his car.

  “We’re meeting with Patricia Kingsley, Edward Siemian, and Joseph Herrero today. Edward is the CFO of Harrah’s, and Joseph is a manager of Customer Relations. They’re nice guys. Patricia, on the other hand, is one cold bitch and I can’t seem to get past her force field. She’s the Director of Promotions,” Colin advised as we made our way down Las Vegas Boulevard.

  I remembered reading last night about all of the people Colin mentioned. Patricia graduated at the top of her class from USC. It was no wonder Colin couldn’t get past this woman…she was a rival USC Trojan.

  “I’ve been able to get Joseph on board with giving Everett Gaming a shot. Edward seems to go with whatever Patricia suggests, though.”

  “Maybe Edward’s banging her,” I suggested.

  “I think she could probably use a good fucking.”

  Colin and I made our way through the casino to the bar and restaurant where we were to meet the trio. As we walked, I commented about the upcoming renovations the casino was going to go through soon. Colin stopped walking and stared at me.

  “What? What’s wrong?” I asked and walked back toward him.

  “What did you say?” he asked and then motioned with his hand for me to spit it out. “About the renovations.”