by LM Terry
“It wasn’t the priest,” I tell her.
“I know it wasn’t. It was one of them,” she spits the word as if it were poison on her tongue. She closes her eyes. “Jimmie went to Katie’s mom to dig up information on who had stolen a case full of his meth. They were in Katie’s home because of me. I did this.”
“We’ll put pressure on the Devils. Crow may be an asshole, but he won’t want a pedophile in his club.” I grab her hands as I say this.
“Wait, who?” She tries to pull her hands out of mine, but I tighten my grip.
“Crow. He’s the Devil’s president.” I watch her closely. She is about to answer an important question without me having to ask.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Jesse
◆◆◆
Crow.
Crow.
Black Shirt, black pants, black soul.
Silver chain with a silver crow bouncing off black cotton.
Pain.
Hushed dirty words.
Jimmy’s laugh.
The silver crow bouncing over my face.
“Hey, Crow, is she as good as her mom?”
“Yeah, and she’s better than yours too.”
More laughter.
“Jesse. Jesse,” Dirk shakes my shoulders.
I blink as the memory evaporates. Oh god. No. No, no, no.
“I’m going to be sick,” I say, pushing myself off my chair.
Dirk grabs me around the waist, hurrying me to the sink.
He holds my hair out of my face. My hands shake as I brace myself against the porcelain sink. Breathing in through my nose and out my mouth holds off the wave of nausea. After several minutes it passes but the tightness in my throat remains.
“I’m okay.”
He drops my hair, running his fingers through the strands to smooth it over my back. Dirk corrals me between his arms. His hands come into view, bracing against the counter. His hot breath nears my ear. “Do you know Crow?”
I don’t answer. “Do you want to know why I haven’t asked where Bill was?”
“I want to know the answer to both questions.”
I trace over the skull on his hand with my finger. Surrender. I’m so tired of carrying everything by myself. Why not give him what he wants. He’s strong enough to take it. He will absorb it and spit it out. “I know where he was, that he was in prison. I haven’t asked about it because I’m scared to find out what put him there.”
“And Crow?” he asks.
“Did he know my mom?” I counter, placing my palm over his.
His forehead drops to the back of my head. He nods against it.
I quickly turn in his arms. “Crow mentioned her…” my words fade as they leave my mouth.
Dirk cups his black hand over the side of my face, his thumb rubbing slowly back and forth over my cheek. “I’ll tell you everything you need to know about Crow, Bill, and your mom if you tell me who did this to you.” The fingertips of his other hand rain lightly over the scabs that have formed on my face.
“You’ll be disappointed in me.”
His eyes turn the deepest color of the ocean. A dark blue that makes me want to fall into them and drown. Dirk uses his thumb to trace over the seam of my lips. I bite my tongue to keep it from sneaking out to taste him. His eyes reel me in. “You could never disappoint me.” He leans in so close I think he is going to kiss me.
My eyes fall closed as his thumb fades away making room for his mouth. The sensation is so intense my legs give way, the only reason I stay upright is the press of his body against mine.
I breath in deeply as he presses his lips against mine. He smells like a warm summer breeze. He coaxes my lips to part, his tongue hesitantly seeking mine. The moment they touch his kiss deepens. His hands slide around the back of my head pulling us closer together. My heart falls into my stomach at an alarming rate.
My hands fly up to his chest. I don’t know if I should pull him closer or push him away. Holy hell, he’s solid. My heart gives in. I abandon his chest, exploring higher. My palms roam over his shoulders, climbing his neck, reaching the sexy dark scruff that covers his cheeks.
I grab his face pulling him closer. He moans into my mouth as I do. The sound vibrates to the deepest parts of me awakening the woman who’s been sheltering herself in the darkest parts of herself. That woman wants to come out and see if the sun still chases the moon.
Dirk’s kiss makes me believe in the possibility of seeing the sunset the way I did when I was ten with chalky hands, a grumbly tummy, and dreams of roller skates.
He pulls away slowly, my body sways towards his as if we are magnetized. When the force lets go he stumbles back. We stare at each other for several minutes until our breath slows and our hearts return to a normal tempo.
He smirks, licking his lips, stopping to give his tongue ring a flip. Holy, holly mother of god.
Raffe comes in, stomping his feet on the rug to knock mud off his boots. When he looks up from his task his eyes bounce between the two of us. “Everything okay in here?” he asks, my ears picking up on the hint of jealousy.
I swivel to face the sink, grabbing a glass from the dish rack. I fill it, watching the water rise, listening for any signs of what’s going on behind me.
“Things are great. She’s been talking and we just had our first kiss. I think it’s rendered her speechless.”
The glass slides out of my hand dropping into the sink with a loud clank. Dirk reaches around, taking the glass from me. He fills it and walks away. I hear him set it down on the breakfast bar. “Have a seat, Jess. We are just getting started.”
Raffe comes to stand by me. He takes my hand in his and guides me back to the breakfast bar. He takes a seat and pulls me into his lap, keeping me wrapped in the safety of his arms. Dirk sits across from us. His eyes slide over us, contentment resting over his features. He leans forward narrowing in on me. “Tell me about Crow.”
I pull the glass of water to me, slowly taking a drink. Stalling the inevitable. As I set the glass back down I ask, “What happens if I don’t talk?”
“Oh, you’ll talk. We aren’t leaving this cabin until you do. You have quite a bit of freedom right now. You’re able to move around the cabin freely, but if silence becomes the norm that freedom will dwindle until you have no choice but to give me what I want.”
“Which are my words?” I shift on Raffe’s lap. Images of being tied up with the two of them makes me feel a little funny.
“No. Your pain.”
Crossing my arms over my chest I sit up straighter on Raffe’s lap.
“What’s stopping you, Jess?” Raffe asks running his hand over my stomach in circles.
That’s a good question. What is stopping me? Obviously, Dirk knows a hell of a lot more about me than I thought. He already knows about the drugs. He’s seen the photo of William and me. He killed the priest for me. He killed for me.
“Does my Dad know I’m here?”
Dirk nods.
“Did you show him the picture?”
“I told you I wouldn’t show anyone.” He flicks his lighter sending it sliding across the table. It stops in front of me. He pushes the ashtray into the middle and sets the photo carefully inside. He nods his head towards it.
Raffe lets his hands fall to his side. I pull the ashtray towards me and stare into the eyes of a scared little girl, clinging to the first boy she felt safe with. A boy I helped get out of here. A boy who will soon be a father.
Gabriel is dead. William is safe and happy. And I’m….
I’m safe.
I’m safe.
My eyes connect with Dirks. Raffe sits up pressing his chest into my back, his chin rests on my shoulder. Slowly I turn my head. He smiles, his hand caresses my cheek. He drags our faces close together, pressing his lips to mine in a single warm kiss. He pulls away, smiling. Boyish dimples deepen along the edge of his beard giving him a youthful appearance.
My heart beats hard in my chest. Raffe kissed me. My head s
wings to Dirk. He kissed me too. When my eyes snag on his I realize he’s not jealous. And, maybe Raffe wasn’t jealous either. Did I read him wrong?
Raffe picks up the lighter, placing it in the palm of my hand. “Let’s do this. Listen to Dirk. He helped me and he will help you too.”
He pulls my hair away from my face holding it in one hand. “I know all your reasons for wanting to keep it bottled up inside. I do. But, you will never be free if you don’t let it go and I don’t just mean from this place.” He swirls his finger in my face. “I mean free in here.” He taps my forehead before continuing, “I’ll be here to hold your hand through the storm. I won’t let go. You won’t get blown away. You won’t get lost. I promise.”
So, with shaky hands I set flame to Gabriel once more. Only this time I’m not alone. I won’t have to keep running. I’ll be able to breathe and process because someone will be watching my back while I do.
As I watch the flames consume the religious man’s sin I tell them about that night. They do nothing but listen. When I’m finished with the tale from my childhood. I raise my eyes to Dirk.
“Katie drew a man in black and a cross. Automatically my mind went to Father Gabriel. Because of the photos…” I let my words trail.
“He deserved what he got,” Dirk states matter of fact. His finger jabs into the table to drive his point.
“Crow was there that weekend.”
Raffe tenses beneath me. “What weekend, sweetheart?” he asks.
“The weekend you found me and took me to Dan’s.”
Dirk pulls his chair around the table to sit directly in front of me.
“Was your aunt there that weekend?” he asks.
“No. I hadn’t seen her for an entire year, but she still left for work. A weekend client. She left me alone with him.” I take a deep breath. “I hadn’t planned on staying even though the suit lady told me I had to. I knew what type of man he was, but I fell asleep waiting for Renee to leave.”
Dirk looks over my shoulder to Raffe. “Why don’t we take a break,” he states more than asks.
“I’m worried about Katie. I need to get back to her. I have school tomorrow,” I say impatiently. I’m willing to spill everything. I just want to get it over with and get back to my life.
“We are taking a break. Go outside and listen to the trees,” he orders, pulling me off Raffe’s lap. He pushes me to the door. I look back as he shuts it in my face. Raffe hasn’t moved. His face is buried in his hands. He’s upset.
“Dirk,” I try to push my way back inside. My focus on Raffe.
“Listen to the trees. I’ll take care of him,” he whispers firmly in my ear.
“You said there were things that wanted to eat me outside and now your shoving my ass out there?”
He smirks as he closes the door. The lock clicks.
Grrr…asshole!
I stomp over to the windows. My heart stills. My anger immediately dissipates in the cool mountain air. Dirk is on his knees in front of Raffe, staring into his eyes. He grabs the back of his head and pulls their foreheads together. The act so intimate it makes me ache to be a part of it.
Why is Raffe so upset? What did I say?
My gaze drifts over my surroundings as I back away from the windows. I walk down a little path until it opens to the most spectacular view of the mountains. It steals my breath. Suddenly I feel ridiculously small in world.
I find a tall tree, and sit down, leaning against its trunk. My eyes climb high above me, taking in the height of the thing. Holy cow it is amazing here. It’s vastly different from Trap County. I breathe deeply listening to the trees like Dirk instructed. Did he know that was what I was doing while my Dad and Katie were fishing?
There aren’t trees like this in Trap. It’s like they speak to me. I love it. A hawk flies over the expanse in front of me. Wow. If I were Dirk I would never leave this place. It’s beautiful.
It gives me time. Time to reflect on everything. The rat race of my life never gave me a minute. I don’t think my mind has had a break since the day I found my grandparents dead in their chairs. The only time my mind has come close to having a moments peace is when I’m creating art.
I close my eyes and listen. Katie’s voice whispers on the wind. I don’t want to go back.
I don’t want to go back either.
Hours pass as the tree shelters me from the sun and I learn that the sun does indeed still chase the moon. My eyes drift shut, as the gentle breeze wisps me away to a dreamworld. When my eyes open, I blink a few times trying to decide if my dad is real or a remnant of my unconscious mind.
“You were sleeping so peacefully I didn’t want to wake you,” he says, smiling.
Using my palms, I rub my eyes then I try to stand. My stiff body protests louder than it should for someone as young as myself. Christ how long was I out? Once my cracking bones bring me upright I notice my dad is still sitting against the tree opposite to mine. My dad came for me!
“I knew you would come for me,” I say shyly, brushing my hair away from face as the breeze teases it against my cheeks.
“Oh, baby girl.” He runs his hand over his short dark hair.
“I told Dirk I had school. I don’t know what he was thinking dragging me up here.”
He pats the spot beside him. I lower myself back down reluctantly. He pulls up a knee and rests his arm over the top of it. He takes a deep breath before he speaks. “I’m not here to take you off the mountain.”
My eyes bounce back and forth over his face. What is trying to tell me? I have to go back. I have school. I have Katie. I have Sugar.
He laughs as he runs the tip of his index finger between my eyebrows. “Your mama used to scowl at me just like that.”
“Did you have someone kidnap her too?” I pull my head away, turning away from him.
“Actually, yes.”
When I glance at him I see he isn’t teasing. He actually had my mother kidnapped.
“Only once. When she was pregnant with you. I kidnapped her. No matter what I said she couldn’t keep the needle out of her arm. I did it for you. To keep you healthy. It was the only way.”
My mouth forms a perfect little o, but no words follow.
“I can’t let you go back there,” he says while watching me struggle for words.
“What do you mean? I live there.”
He shakes his head. “Not anymore. You live with me.” He points up the path towards the cabin. “I brought you a laptop and everything you will need for the online classes I enrolled you in.”
I stare blankly at him.
“The school counselor helped me get it all set up. She said that you had enough credits you could have graduated at the end of last year but that you had wanted to continue your education on through your senior year.” He stops, waiting for a response from me.
When I don’t offer one he continues.
“Dan is getting you set up with a work area at the warehouse. There are plenty of clients right in our own club. You can flex your tattooing skills on them.” He’s tip toeing now. He knows he’s treading in dangerous waters.
The slow thud of my heartbeat is picking up speed with each word out of his mouth. “I…I don’t understand,” I mutter, pulling my legs up and hugging them to my chest. “I’m talking, isn’t that what you wanted? Isn’t that why I’m here? I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”
He reaches out and tucks my hair behind my ear. “I know you are, baby girl.” His hand drops away. The mountain draws his attention away from me. He stares out for a long time before turning his eyes back to me.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I left you with your grandparents. I thought you would be safe there.”
“I was,” I murmur quietly.
He smiles sadly. “I know you were.” He picks up a stick, scratching absentmindedly in the dirt. “I tried to petition the state to give Candice temporary custody, but I couldn’t get anyone to listen to me. Your mother didn’t put me on your birth certi
ficate.” He stabs the stick in the dirt. “It was all one big cluster fuck. I was young and stupid. I failed you.”
“It’s fine. I survived. I need to go back to Trap, dad. There’s so much…”
He raises his hand cutting me off. “No. Let me finish.”
I rest my chin on my knees, shutting my mouth. The scowl creeping back on my face.
“I’m so proud of you, Jesse. You did survive. You fought your battles with the bravery of a true Rebel Skull. You may not have known you were one of us, but your heart did.”
My cheeks heat not from his compliment but from my own thoughts. I’ve always wanted to be one of them since the day I met the scary man with pictures on his skin. The same day my heart melted for mood ring eyes. I didn’t know he belonged to a biker gang then, but I wanted to be a part of his world, whatever that was. Then I met Raffe. I’ve watched his beautiful body slip in and out of his Rebel Skull jacket since I was fourteen years old. My pulse spiking at every smile, wink, and kick start of his bike.
“So, why are you taking everything away from me? Why are you punishing me?” I try to push myself up off the ground, he pulls my hand out from under me, making me totter back on my behind.
“That’s not fair, Jesse. I’m not trying to punish you. I think you’ve been punished enough for one lifetime.”
I close my eyes, blocking out the beautiful sky as dusk settles over the mountain. “I want to go back to Trap.”
“It’s just not happening, Jesse.”
I open my eyes slowly, silently begging, pleading with every drop of my soul. “Dad, please.”
He shakes his head. “This is the only way, baby girl.”
I tuck my face and hug my knees tight, curling up into a tiny ball. His hand rests on the small of my back.
“You’re selling drugs, Jess. I’m not judging you, but I can’t let that continue.”
When I don’t say anything, he lifts himself up from the hard ground.
Suddenly, my anger spikes. I jump to my feet. “You are judging me. I can hear it in your tone.” I step away from him. “You’re a fucking hypocrite. You were in prison for how many years?” Tossing my hands in the air I storm up the path.