The Guild of Fallen Clowns

by Francis Xavier

  “Get him, Dad!” Lyle cheered.

  Spanky looked back at Lyle. “Don’t think for a second that you are safe. One swipe of my hand will send your puny daddy back to the grave. You are about to pay for that comment.”

  “What did I tell you about messing with my kid?” Lyle’s father shouted. He pulled his leg back and kicked Spanky’s knee. Spanky folded to the floor. Lyle’s father pounced on top of him and pounded with all his might. Spanky grabbed his arms and Lyle’s father leaned his face down to Spanky’s chest and bit him. Spanky screamed in pain.

  With Lyle’s father unleashing a lifetime of dirty fighting knowledge, Alan raised the small figure over his head. Spanky looked up in horror as Alan railed it down to the stone-top coffee table. The figure shattered and both Spanky and Lyle’s father vanished.

  Lyle looked up at Alan in amazement. “Who are you?” he said.

  Alan grinned and retrieved Lyle’s Poppy figure from the floor. “It wasn’t really him,” he said. Lyle’s confused expression asked Alan to elaborate. “Your father. It couldn’t really be him. I think Poppy has the ability to show him the way you remember him.”

  “But I saw him. He called me Stinky. Why would I want to remember that?” Lyle said.

  “Look, Stinky.” Alan grinned. “You can’t choose what to remember, but somewhere deep inside you embrace your father’s nickname for you. You unconsciously reflected it through Poppy. But it wasn’t really him, okay?”

  “Okay, it wasn’t my father.” Lyle looked at the figure in Alan’s hand. “Can I have it back?”

  “No! These things aren’t meant to exist. We needed its help, but now we have to destroy it.” Alan raised it over the stone table.

  “Wait!” Lyle cried out. “Are there more of those Spankys out there?”

  Alan lowered the figure. “Well, yes, there’s one more I need to destroy.”

  “Let me help. Let me and my dad, or my fake dad, help take out the other one. You saw how tough my dad was. Let us help again.”

  “I don’t think so, Lyle. It’s too dangerous and I already caused enough trouble for you. Besides, your Spanky only had one leg. We might not be so lucky with the next one.”

  “Listen, Booger!” Lyle said. He smiled and continued, “I’m going to help and that’s that.”

  Alan nodded with a smile. “Okay, if I let you help, you have to agree to do it my way. Are you good with that?”

  Lyle jumped to his feet. “Whatever you say. You’re the boss, dude. Let me go with you and I’ll even agree to be your sidekick if that’s what you want.” Pumped full of adrenaline, he stood in front of Alan and slapped both hands down on his shoulders. “Now, let’s kick some clown ass, Boogeyman!”

  Alan rolled his shoulders and winced from Lyle’s overly eager contact. “Boogy!” he corrected. Then Alan turned and rushed toward the door. “Meet me at my car in…three minutes.” The door slammed behind him.

  Lyle jumped up and pumped his fists. He looked down at the shattered remains of Spanky scattered around the room. The head from the figure remained intact in the center of the room, facing him. Lyle grinned, placed his foot on top of the small face, and ground it into the carpet as he would with the last bit of fire from the butt of a discarded cigarette.

  *****

  Walking into the carnival in full cop attire would draw unwanted attention to his covert mission to wait for his brother outside the Labyrinth of Haunted Mirrors. Standing at the open trunk of his police cruiser, Dale removed the gun from his holster and tucked it in the back of his pants. Then he removed the holster and placed it in the trunk. From inside a canvas bag he removed a red windbreaker and covered the top half of his uniform.

  To complete the disguise, he removed his black shoes and replaced them with a pair of sneakers. The black satin stripes on his black pants were the only thing he wasn’t able to hide, but it would have to do. He closed the trunk and zipped up his jacket on the way to the entrance.

  His cover-up appeared to be a success, as nobody took a second look on his way to the Labyrinth. He stood across the midway, tucked from view at the narrow opening between a funnel cake concession stand and the ring toss booth.

  After five minutes of waiting, he saw the door to the Labyrinth open. Geno stepped out carrying a half-full trash bag. He looked around and then leaned the bag against the building to the side of the door before returning inside. The door remained open.

  It happened too fast for Dale to get close enough to apprehend Geno. He needed to get closer in case Geno were to step outside a second time. As he crossed the midway, he kept looking at the familiar black trash bag. It resembled the bags filled with body parts in the trunk of the cab a few hours earlier.

  He waited another five minutes to see if Geno would shut the door or drop another potential body parts bag out front in plain view of him and dozens of clueless carnival guests. Then his curiosity got the best of him and he couldn’t wait any longer. He needed to know what was in the bag. With few bystanders mulling around, Dale slipped through a gap between the iron gates. He approached the bag and stepped to the far side of it from the door. Looking back at the self-involved guests passing by, he leaned over and lifted the bag. It wasn’t as heavy as the earlier discovered bags that were filled with body parts, an obvious indication that it didn’t contain the severed head, torso, or thigh of another unfortunate victim.

  The opening of the bag was closed with a loose knot. He had come this far, and with piqued curiosity, he needed to investigate further to be sure it didn’t contain less hefty human remains, or other evidence of Geno’s suspected butchery. He knelt on one knee and untied the bag. Upon opening it, he discovered common everyday garbage inside. There were mounds of fast food containers, a few blown light bulbs, some broken glass, and an empty wine bottle—nothing unusual or indicative of a crime scene.

  He retied the bag, stood, and looked at his watch. “Come on, Alan,” he said under his breath. After a long pause, he glanced over to the open door. His right hand moved behind his back and he crept closer. When he reached the entrance, he looked back for his brother, who still hadn’t arrived.

  “I said I would wait for you, brother. But I didn’t say for how long,” he mumbled. He turned back. With his hand now gripping his pistol still wedged in the back of his pants, he cautiously passed through the opening

  Chapter 31

  Alan fought to hold back his laughter as Lyle struggled in the passenger seat to suit up in the frilled one-piece clown costume. He succeeded in pulling the mixed striped and polka dot material to waist level. The humiliation continued as he slipped his arms through the sleeves and held out his arms to view the white ruffles around his wrists before wrapping the matching frilly section around his neck.

  “How does this thing stay on?” he said.

  “Lean forward,” Alan said. Lyle complied and Alan reached behind him and zipped it up.

  Lyle leaned back in disgust. “Fuck, you just zipped me up. I’m wearing a fucking dress and now I have to pick out a wig.”

  Lyle’s comment was too much for Alan. A short burst of laughter escaped. His hand rushed to his mouth in an attempt to hold the remaining display of humor inside.

  Lyle glared at him. “You know, this wasn’t what I had in mind when I said I’d be your sidekick. I’m starting to think you’re making me do this as some sort of payback for what I’ve done to you over the years.”

  Alan lowered his hand, exposing a wide grin that almost turned his sad clown face into that of a happy clown. “You insisted I let you help. And you agreed to do it my way. We’re going to a little boy’s party Lyle. I’m the entertainment. If you weren’t dressed as a clown, it would look like I brought a friend to tag along. As a clown, you’ll be part of the act.”

  Lyle fished out a bright yellow wig from the suitcase in the back seat and pulled it over his head. He flipped down the visor and used the mirror to adjust its position.

  “Part of the act?” he asked. “I
don’t know anything about being a clown. It’s bad enough I gotta put this shit on, now you want me to act like a clown with tricks and shit?”

  “Relax. If everything goes as planned, we won’t be sticking around for the party.”

  “Whew, that’s a relief,” Lyle said. “Wait, if we aren’t staying for the party, why you making me dress up? You don’t need me to look like this, do you? This is payback isn’t it?” Lyle yanked off the wig.

  “No! Put the wig back on and try to do something with the makeup. We need to get into the party without raising any attention—”

  “By dressing as clowns?” Lyle questioned.

  “Yes, they expect me to be there. We need to find Dave so he can tell us where his Spanky figure is.” Alan glanced over at a confused Lyle seated next to him. “Look, if you don’t want to help, fine. Wait for me in the car and I’ll drop you home on my way to the carnival.”

  Lyle returned the wig to his head. “No, I’m going with you. I just wish you were a magician or a hypnotist instead of a clown.”

  “Just be glad you didn’t have to wear the tights,” Alan said.

  “Yeah, I saw those in the suitcase. What’s up with that?”

  “You really don’t want to know, and I don’t want to explain it. The makeup is in the box inside the suitcase. I wish I could help you with it, but we don’t have time to stop.” Alan picked up his cell phone and dialed Dale’s number. The phone rang once. “Come on Dale, pick up,” he mumbled. After three more rings, it went to his voice mail. He hung up and dialed the number again. Two rings. “Answer the phone, Dale,” he commanded. Again, the phone went to Dale’s voice mail.

  “Dale, it’s Alan. I’m running late. There were a few things I needed to take care of first, but I should be there in about a half hour…I wish you would answer your phone because I need to talk to you. I want to be sure you were able to take care of Cheryl’s thing. If so, I hope you didn’t decide to go inside the Labyrinth before I get there. You don’t know what you’re dealing with. You have to listen to me and trust me on this one. It’s too dangerous to do on your own. You better not have gone in without me already. Just…just wait for me. I won’t be much longer. And if I don’t make it, call for help. Don’t go in alone.”

  He ended the call and looked at Lyle, who was blindly applying colored makeup to his face. Lyle turned to face him. He had thick streaks of blue above his eyes, into his eyebrows, and bright red an inch out from his lips.

  “What did you mean when you said if you don’t make it? I thought you had a plan.”

  “Yes, I have a plan, but I don’t know if it will work. This is all new to me, Lyle. I really don’t know what I’m doing. I’m winging it…sort of like you with that makeup.”

  Lyle looked back in the mirror. “What? Tell me what I should be doing.”

  “First of all, think of a clown. You’re not trying to look like a sixty-year-old hooker. You don’t want to scare the kids.”

  Lyle’s impatience flared. “Well, I’m sorry! But I’ve never done this before and you aren’t being very helpful.”

  “Okay, calm down,” Alan said. He studied the botched job for a few seconds. “Honestly, Lyle, I don’t think there’s any way to fix it in the time we have. Why don’t you smear the white on your hands and just wipe it over your whole face. It won’t be pretty, but hopefully you won’t look so scary.”

  Lyle did as requested, rubbing the white over his entire face. Blues and reds smeared into the white and his face ended up looking like a tie-dyed American flag.

  Alan parked the car in front of Dave and Paula’s house and examined Lyle one more time.

  “Looks a little better,” he said unconvincingly. Then his phone rang. “Dale,” Alan cried as he reached for the phone. Before answering he told Lyle to switch to the blue wig.

  “Dale!” Alan yelled into the phone.

  “Sorry, Alan, it’s me, Joe.”

  “Oh, Joe, I can’t stay on the line because I’m waiting for a call from Dale.”

  “Whoa, is everything okay? You sound bothered by something.”

  “Yeah, uh, no. I mean, I don’t know. I think Dale might be in trouble. I’m not sure, but I left him a message to call me and I don’t want to miss his call.”

  “Okay, calm down, buddy. You have call waiting so you won’t miss his call. I called to see if you could come to work tonight, but forget about that. What’s going on with Dale?”

  “Uh, it’s complicated, Joe. I don’t want to be rude, but I have to do something right now so I can get to the carnival before Dale goes into the Labyrinth. He could be in a lot of trouble and I don’t have time to explain it now. I’ll call you later.”

  Alan hung up and looked at Lyle with the blue wig. He reached to the back seat and handed him a small red hat with an elastic chin string and told him to put it on. Then he pulled a second Poppy figure from a bag and waited for Lyle to fluff the wig around the string.

  Lyle looked at the figure in Alan’s hand. “You have one too?” he asked.

  “No, well, not yet. I don’t know how these things work, but this isn’t doing anything for me. I think it’s because they don’t work if you give them to yourself. I think someone else has to designate who it goes to in order for it to work.”

  “You think? So when you gave mine to me, you didn’t know it would work?” Lyle asked.

  “Lyle, I didn’t even know these things came to life until I saw your Spanky. I told you, I’m winging it.”

  “So you want me to give it to you? Is there anything else I should be aware of?”

  “Yes, here, I’ll put it on the floor in front of you. You pick it up and give it to me. It’s a complete shot in the dark, but it’s all we have,” Alan said. “Oh, and to answer your other question, there is one other thing.”

  “Go on,” Lyle said.

  “The thing is, even if mine does work and we have two against one, I don’t know if they can do anything to Spanky.”

  “What?” Lyle asked. “Are you serious?”

  “Your Poppy helped you against your Spanky. I don’t know if our Poppys can help to destroy Dave’s Spanky.”

  “Then why don’t you give yours to Dave instead of having me give it to you?”

  “Because Spanky is on to us. He wouldn’t let it get anywhere near Dave. And when he sees us, we won’t get close either.”

  “Are you sure about this?” Lyle said.

  “Absolutely…not. I’m not sure of anything. It’s all a gut feeling, but it feels right.”

  Lyle sighed and picked the Poppy figure off the floor. With both hands, he held it over Alan’s head and said, “I hereby knight thee.” Alan reached up and grabbed the figure from him. Lyle smiled and secured the final touch of his clown costume, the round red ball nose. With both hands open he slapped the dashboard. “Let’s do this, Boogy,” he ordered.

  *****

  Inside the pizza shop, Joe removed his apron and headed toward the door. Jamie stopped in the middle of folding a box to watch. Without looking back, Joe said, “If I’m not back in an hour, close up.” Jamie didn’t have time to ask any questions before the door closed behind Joe.

  *****

  The party was already in full gear in the back yard. As Alan and Lyle walked to the side of the house, Alan instructed Lyle to hide his Poppy in the large pocket on his costume. He did the same with his Poppy. As they neared the back of the house, Paula rounded the corner and collided with Alan. The sight of two clowns resulted in a sudden shriek.

  “Oh my god, Alan, you scared me to death,” Paula said.

  “I’m sorry, Paula. We should have taken a wider path.”

  “No, it’s okay. I just need to catch my breath. It just caught me by surprise.” Paula looked at the second clown.

  “Um, I didn’t know you would be working with someone else today,” she said.

  Alan glanced at Lyle and back to Paula. “Oh, right, this is my sidekick, Stinky. He’s in training.”

  �
��Oh, Stinky? Well, welcome. The party just got started. Do whatever you need to do to get set up. I’ll be right back. Dave is getting sodas from the garage and I need to tell him to get another bag of ice.” Paula continued walking.

  “Paula, hold on,” Alan said. She stopped and he walked up to her. Lyle remained at the corner, fixated on the horde of kids running around the back yard while their parents appeared oblivious, grouped together on the deck catching up with the latest happenings.

  Before Alan could say anything, Paula leaned in and whispered, “Are you sure about your friend, Stinky, there?” Her eyebrow raised and she tilted her head in Lyle’s direction. “I know you said he’s in training, but I’m a little concerned that his face will scare some of the children. He looks like Tammy Faye Baker in the middle of removing her makeup.”

  Alan smiled. “That’s a good one. Yes, he’ll be fine. If anyone is uncomfortable, I’ll send him to the car,” he said. “Hey, um, why don’t you let us tell Dave about the soda’s and ice? I wanted to see him anyway to see if he can help us, uh, set up some things for the act.”

  “Oh, sure. Like I said, he should be in the garage. If not, I’ll send him back up.” Paula headed back to rejoin her guests in the back yard.

  Alan motioned for Lyle to follow him. When they got to the garage, Dave was frantically sopping up orange soda from the floor with mounds of paper towels.

  “Hey, Dave,” Alan said.

  Dave looked up at them. “Oh, Alan, how’s it going, buddy? Whose your friend?”

  Lyle stepped in front of Alan and held out his hand. “I’m Lyle,” he said as Dave shook his hand. Lyle pulled away and gripped his hand a few times before wiping it on his costume.

  Dave noticed. “I’m sorry, Lyle,” Dave said. “I’m all sticky from the mess here. I tried taking too many at once, and one got away. Let me get you a wet paper towel from the kitchen. I’ll be right back.”

  He started for the door when Alan said, “Paula wanted me to tell you she needs another bag of ice.”