The Guild of Fallen Clowns

by Francis Xavier

  Dave stopped and looked back at them. “You guys might as well come inside then. The freezer is in the basement. We’ll wash up down there and you guys can help me take the ice and sodas out back.” Dave turned and walked inside. Alan and Lyle looked at each other, shrugged, and rushed to catch up.

  Dave was halfway down the steps as Alan and Lyle entered the kitchen. Alan’s head pivoted like a bobble head as he took the short opportunity to look for the figure of Spanky. Lyle stood at the top of the steps and looked back at Alan veering off track into the foyer.

  “Where are you going?” Lyle whispered. “He went down here.” He pointed down the flight of stairs to the basement.

  Alan stepped back in the kitchen and moved toward Lyle. “I was looking for it. It’s got to be here somewhere.”

  From the basement, they heard the sound of a faucet releasing water into the utility sink. “Did I lose you guys? I’m down here,” Dave called out.

  Lyle led the way to the basement. Dave left the water running as he dried his hands with a rag. Lyle stepped up and rinsed the sticky beverage from his hand.

  Alan scanned a wall of shelves in the unfinished space for any signs of Spanky. The shelves were packed with typical storage items, but if Spanky was amongst the clutter, he wasn’t in plain view. Dave tossed Lyle the used rag. Alan knew he couldn’t waste any more time searching on his own. He had to ask Dave where he kept it.

  “Let’s get that ice.” Dave said. He moved across the room to the freezer. As he opened the door, he heard Spanky’s voice behind him.

  “I’ve been expecting you,” Spanky said, facing Alan and Lyle with his back to Dave. Dave slammed the freezer door and backed against the wall beside it.

  “I didn’t do anything. I was nice to them.” Dave’s eyes were wide.

  Lyle pulled his Poppy figure from his pocket and held it facing Spanky. Instantly, his father appeared, tucked in a boxing stance with his fists protecting his face.

  “Who’s that?” Dave cried out. “Oh my god, it’s another one.” Dave’s body pressed against the freezer, causing it to screech as it slid into the side wall.

  Spanky looked back at Dave and chuckled. He turned back to size up Lyle’s father and grinned. “He fights dirty. I wasn’t expecting that before. He got lucky, but he won’t be so lucky this time because I’m ready for him. First I’ll destroy Poppy. Then I’ll kill you, Dave.”

  “No!” Dave shouted. “I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t tell them about you. Please don’t kill me. I have a family.”

  “Not so fast, Spanky,” Alan said. Spanky looked to Lyle’s left to see Alan holding out another Poppy figure. Alan grew nervous, as the figure didn’t generate his own life-size father. He gave the figure a few shakes to no avail.

  Spanky clapped his hands in glee at seeing Alan grow more uncomfortable with his predicament. “Assuming you were able to figure out the secret to unleashing the power of spirits, your father along with your friend’s father would be no match for me. Look at you. Your father couldn’t have been much bigger or stronger than…you,” Spanky sneered.

  Just as Alan began to lower his Poppy figure, a ghostly vision began to solidify in front of him. A very large man in a suit tipped his head to avoid hitting the ceiling. The corners of Spanky’s lips sank as his smile was replaced with a concerned frown.

  A newfound confidence rushed through Alan. He stared Spanky down and said, “I was eight when he died. This is exactly how I remember him.” The bigger than life memory of his father turned and winked at Alan. Alan smiled back and wiped away a tear before it rolled down his cheek.

  Spanky, abandoning his original plan to take pleasure in destroying Lyle’s Poppy, went to plan B. He turned toward Dave, but something yanked at his waist, slowing him down. Lyle’s Poppy grabbed the loose ends of Spanky’s rope belt and dug his feet into the floor. This stalled him long enough for Alan’s Poppy to put Spanky into a headlock. Lyle’s Poppy went low. He wrapped his arms around Spanky’s legs and pulled them together, preventing him from kicking or dragging Alan’s Poppy with him toward Dave.

  “Where’s the figure?” Alan yelled out to Dave.

  Dave was too afraid to answer.

  “Dave! Where’s the Spanky statue? They can’t hold him much longer. Where is it?”

  Again, Dave didn’t have the courage to call out its location. However, this time, he unconsciously turned and glanced at the open crawlspace beside Alan before lowering his head.

  Alan looked at the dark crawlspace. Then he looked back at Dave. “Up there? Is it in the crawlspace?” He moved toward it.

  Dave looked up. “No! You don’t understand, he’s going to kill me!”

  Alan stepped on a wooden chest and reached in. “Please don’t!” Dave pleaded. Alan pulled the figure from the darkness and held it out as he jumped off the chest.

  “Can I do it?” Lyle said.

  Alan paused to consider his friend’s request.

  “C’mon, Alan, let me do it. After everything he did to me, I deserve a chance to get even.”

  Alan looked back at Lyle’s pleading expression and said, “I’m sorry, Lyle.” He raised the figure above him and flung it to the concrete floor. Dust and small fragments went flying. Spanky vaporized from the Poppys’ grip. Seconds later both Poppys disappeared from sight.

  Lyle looked dejected and upset.

  “I understand how you must feel, Lyle, but I couldn’t allow you to do it. This isn’t about getting even. That’s what got us in the mess in the first place. We’re simply cleaning up my mess. If we let ourselves take joy in it, we aren’t much better than them.”

  Lyle frowned and slumped his shoulders. “Okay, Boogy. You’re probably right.” Seeing a larger shard on the floor in front of him, he placed his foot over it and ground it to dust.

  Alan turned his attention to Dave, still huddled in the corner against the freezer. Dave scanned the room, then looked back at Alan. “What the hell just happened?”

  Alan smiled. “You’re free of him now. He can’t hurt you, and he won’t be back.”

  “Thanks, but…how did you know?”

  Alan’s mouth opened halfway but the words didn’t come out. He wasn’t trying to avoid answering Dave’s question. His pause was the result of a deep sense of guilt and responsibility. This would be a heavy admission for him, which required a careful choice of words.

  “Because he made Spanky and gave it to you,” Lyle answered without looking. His attention remained locked on the task of locating and crushing as many pieces of the broken figure as he could find.

  Dave’s expression was a mix of anger and confusion. “Is that right?” he said, looking at Alan.

  “Uh, yes, it’s true Dave, but I didn’t know”

  “Wait, this is crazy,” Dave interrupted. “That’s not possible. You expect me to believe you made those clown statues, and that you have the power to bring them to life? Do you think I’m stupid or something?” He stepped away from the wall toward Alan. “Are you trying to make me look like a fool, Alan?” As he spoke he poked his finger into Alan’s chest.

  Before Alan could respond, his Poppy reappeared behind Dave. Alan’s eyes looked up and Dave turned his head to see what took his attention from him. Poppy stared down at Dave. Dave’s face turned white.

  “No, Poppy!” Alan said. “I don’t need your help.” Poppy nodded before vanishing.

  Dave turned back to face Alan.

  *****

  Paula was walking through the garage door when she heard the sound of Dave blowing his nose in the basement. She walked toward the top of the steps and prepared to call down to see if everything was okay when she heard Dave begin to speak. She held her words and leaned in to listen.

  *****

  “It’s true, isn’t it? Somehow you did do this.”

  “Yes, it’s true. Don’t ask me how because I don’t know. And I don’t have time to discuss it either. I’m really sorry.”

  Dave’s anger re
turned. He pressed his chest into Alan’s and got in his face. “Oh, you’re sorry?”

  “Yes, Dave, I’m sorry. And right now, I have to leave. I’m sorry I can’t stay and do the party, but I think my brother is in trouble and he needs my help.”

  “Our help,” Lyle added.

  Alan tried to ease himself away from Dave, but Dave closed the gap. After checking over his shoulder, he glared back at Alan. “You think I don’t know what’s going on, do you?” Dave said.

  “What? Look, I really have to leave now, so could you please step aside?”

  “It’s Paula, isn’t it?” Dave said. The question puzzled Alan.

  “You’ve always had a crush on her, and you thought you could use yourmagic to steal her from me. That’s it, isn’t it?” Dave stepped back. His allegation caught Alan by surprise.

  “No Dave, that’s not” Dave’s fist thrust into Alan’s stomach. Alan folded over as Dave held his fists up for more. Lyle stopped crushing wayward shards of Spanky and rushed to Alan’s aid. Alan held him off with his hand held out.

  Alan gripped his stomach as he returned upright. Dave stood in front of him, his fists bobbing as he searched for another opportunity to strike.

  “Put your hands down!” Alan commanded.

  Dave took a step back, but his hands remained poised to jab.

  “Dave, I really don’t have time for this. We’re not in high school anymore. You’re way off base and my brother needs my help. So get the hell out of my way or—”

  “Or what?” Dave said. “Or you’ll have your friend fight your battles for you?”

  Alan stuffed his Poppy figure back in his pocket. “I don’t need anyone’s help because there’s not going to be a fight.” With Lyle standing at his side, Alan stared hard at Dave, exuding confidence as he waited for Dave to make a move.

  Alan’s strength sucked away Dave’s aggression. He lowered his hands.

  “Fine. Promise me it’s not about Paula and I’ll get out of your way.”

  Lyle chuckled and leaned over to whisper in Alan’s ear. “He’s scared of you, Boogy. I know his type. Look at him. He’s scared. You don’t have to say anything to this jerk. Just walk around him. He won’t try anything.” Lyle pulled away and leaned to move past Dave when Alan stopped him with a raised hand to his chest.

  “Dave, you’re right about one thing. I always did have a crush on Paula. Who didn’t? She’s one of the nicest people I’ve ever known. But this wasn’t about her. It wasn’t even about me. I was hoping you might start looking at things differently. You always look for someone else to blame for your own mistakes. Unfortunately, you don’t stop there. After you blame others, you feel the need to punish them—physically. I couldn’t let that happen.”

  “Are you talking about that warning I gave you?” Dave asked. His face turned red and he raised his hand and air jabbed his index finger toward Alan. “Because if it is, I stand by what I said. My family is everything to me, and I won’t stand by while you or anyone else tries to take it from me. That wasn’t a threat. It was a promise.”

  Alan shook his head and sighed. “You didn’t hear anything I said. Look, I asked you nicely to get out of my way. I’m not interested in fighting you, and I’m not interested in doing anything to hurt your marriage. But my brother could be in trouble and I’ve already wasted too much time on you. You can either step aside and let me pass, or stay where you are and find out how far I’m willing to go to protect my family.”

  Dave raised both hands in front of his chest and stepped to the side. “Hey, man, you understand where I’m coming from. Family is important. I’m not stopping you.”

  *****

  Sensing they might catch her eavesdropping, Paula quietly slipped out to the garage.

  *****

  As Alan started up the stairs, Dave called out, “What will I tell Paula? She was looking forward to having a clown for the party.”

  Lyle tugged on Alan’s costume to get his attention. Alan turned back to see Lyle grinning back at him.

  “What about the tights?” Lyle said.

  “No way, he’d never do that,” Alan whispered.

  “Do what?” Dave asked from a few steps behind.

  *****

  Standing at the open back door of his car, Alan added the final touch of makeup to Dave’s face.

  “This will have to do. Are you sure you want to do this, Dave?” Alan said.

  Dave stepped back and looked down at his costume.

  “I’m sorry, but the tights were all I had,” Alan said as Dave pulled at them in the upper thigh.

  “It’s okay, but…” Dave replied. He tugged harder at the material covering his crotch.

  “What’s wrong? Too tight?” Alan said.

  “No, it’s not that.” He pulled and examined himself. “They just make me look small. My dick isn’t this small.”

  “Must be the material,” Lyle said before winking at Alan.

  “What else do you have in that suitcase?” Dave said. He leaned into the backseat and riffled through the assorted clown accouterments.

  “Just gags and tricks. What are you looking for?” Alan asked.

  “Aha!” Dave pulled an item out and stood beside the car.” He held the bulb end of a squirting flower. Dangling from it was the long tube with a plastic flower attached at the opposite end.

  “The squirting flower?” Alan asked curiously. “But it doesn’t really go with that costume.”

  Ignoring Alan, Dave bunched the tubing and flower behind the bulb and shoved the entire piece into his tights.

  Alan and Lyle watched with mouths open at the sight of Dave adjusting the bulb for maximum effect.

  “Uh, you might want to buy yourself a new one,” Lyle mumbled in Alan’s ear.

  Proud of his placement of the device, Dave stood back and pushed out his pelvis. He pointed both index fingers to his crotch and said, “Huh. Not so small anymore, is it?”

  Lyle bust out laughing and opened the passenger door, but Alan couldn’t take his eyes away from the sight. Sure the bulb inflated the area, but instead of appearing to be a large penis, it looked more like an enlarged third testicle. Alan didn’t want to set Dave off again by telling him it didn’t look right, so he thought a subtle warning might change his mind.

  “You might want to think twice about using that, Dave. The bulb has water in it. If it leaks—”

  “I know it has water in it. That’s what keeps it from collapsing from the pressure of the tights. It’s not going to leak.” Dave looked down to admire himself one more time. “Look at me. The moms out back are going to be so jealous of Paula.”

  Alan knew it was a losing battle and he had more important things on his mind. He closed the rear car door. Lyle was already waiting in the passenger seat, still snickering at Dave through the closed window.

  Dave couldn’t wait to show off his new look. “Tell Paula I’m sorry we couldn’t stay,” Alan called out as Dave jogged across the lawn toward the back yard. Alan jumped in the car and sped away.

  *****

  “Didn’t you say you hired a clown for the party, Paula?” one of the mothers asked.

  “Yes, that was the plan, but something came up and he’s not going to—” Paula stopped in mid-sentence as she watched a curious sight approaching from the side yard. Dave pranced toward them dressed in a costume that was a cross between a court jester and a circus clown.

  “Did somebody order a clown for this birthday party?” Dave hollered. Everyone at the party, parents and children alike, turned to watch as he danced across the yard on his way to the deck. Kids dropped what they were doing and cheered as they rushed toward the peculiar entertainer. They gathered in front of him, blocking his path to the deck stairs.

  “Hello, kiddies. My name is Chester the Jester,” he said in a high-pitched voice. The children pushed to get closer, each trying to make him their own personal friend as they tugged at his arms, legs, and his bedazzled red and yellow jester’s
jacket.

  From behind, Paula heard snickers from a group of mothers. She turned with a smile and they instantly went silent, trying to avoid eye contact with her. She turned back to see Dave gently guiding the children out of his way. For an instant, she had a clear view of the unnatural bulge protruding from his red and yellow tights. Slightly off to the left side of the raised mound, a handful of spiked points attempted to pierce the strained fabric. The plastic flower petals shifted as he moved.

  Paula choked on her drink. Mortified, she stepped to the side to do her best to block the gaggle’s view. “Dave, get over here!” she ordered.

  Dave smiled back as more children flocked to him. A husky boy lunged in and hugged him around the waist. “I know,” Dave replied to Paula. “You were expecting Alan.” He nudged the boy off and stepped closer. She looked down and almost fell over from embarrassment. His crotch was now soaking wet. The trail of water continued to grow as the water leaked down the red leg of his tights.

  Paula’s slim frame wasn’t enough to block this new development from the eyes of the moms behind her. Her eyes shot to the side, but she was too embarrassed to turn and face them. Dave was oblivious to it all, believing her concerned expression had to do with Alan’s absence.

  He focused on the children gathering around him. “Go back and play, kids. Chester will be back in a few minutes,” he said. The children complied and he stood at the bottom of the short set of deck steps. Paula blocked his movement and rolled her eyes in disgust.

  “Chill out, honey. Alan was feeling sick so I told him to go home. I think he was worried that I might beat him up if he backed out. That’s why he brought his friend, as a bodyguard or something,” he said.

  She rolled her eyes again and gritted her teeth. “Don’t do this to me,” she growled.

  “Don’t worry,” he reassured her. “I calmed him down. At first, I was a little ticked off. I was like, Alan, we’re not in high school anymore. Do you really see me that way after all these years? I mean, come on, dude. We’re adults now, grow up. Then I insisted he go home. But first, I asked him if he had any extra clown costumes in his car so I could do his job for him. He felt bad, but I told him his health was more important than this party, so I ordered him to get some rest and not to worry. I got it covered.”