Light as a Feather

by Cameron James

  “So, we going to talk about why you’re killing yourself on a treadmill?”

  “I wasn’t.” I said, she laughed.

  “I haven’t seen a boy that destroyed since, well…” she smirked at me, I almost choked on the piece of melting ice cream.

  “How is sex so casual to you?” I asked once I’d done coughing, Margo laughed.

  “Is that a distraction technique?” she asked, I shrugged at her nodding as I did, she laughed. “Sex is different to everyone Jacob.” She said, I sighed.

  “You sound like my Dad.” I said, she laughed.

  “Well, it is, your virginity is completely different to your fourth, fifth, or seventeenth time.” She said raising her eyebrow at me, I frowned back at her.

  “So, when we fooled around. That meant nothing to you?” I asked, she sighed.

  “What did it mean to you?” she asked, I shrugged looking away from her, she touched her spoon against my arm, I jumped.

  “I really liked you.” I said, she frowned.

  “Liked?” she repeated, I shrugged.

  “Yeah, I guess it’s now liked. I don’t know. I think I like Abi.” I said then sighed, “but I don’t know, it’s all too complex.”

  “Because you guys had sex?” she asked, I nodded. “I have no strings attached sex. Which all that means is everyone gets off and there’s no commitment. Feel free to call me a slut but it just makes things easier… more pleasurable.” She said, I laughed, it sounded embarrassed.

  “But what if you don’t get off?” I asked, she laughed.

  “Oh Jacob.” She said, then hit my knee, “I always make sure I do.” She said, then she frowned at me, “didn’t you?” she asked, I began to stutter. “Jacob…” she said, I looked at her. “Just tell me this… are you happy with who you lost your virginity too?” she asked, I looked back at her.

  ***

  “If you are not dancing you should be drinking.” Arlo shouted as the girls danced their chorus number. Miss Olivia was also shouting at the girls, whilst Madame Rose stood and critiqued everything from the corner.

  We were in the main theatre, although they hadn’t actually put the stage out yet, or the seating bank. Madame Rose had insisted on one big rehearsal a week, which meant all thirty-two students of first and second year, and every member of teaching staff they had in the school.

  We had danced through most of the first act, with Arlo reminding us every single time we breathed that if we weren’t dancing, we should be drinking.

  I’d stopped doing that after the first number as the water was sitting heavily in my stomach, every time I had jumped, I had felt the water slosh around so I didn’t drink any more at risk of throwing up.

  “Gentlemen on stage.” Miss Olivia requested, so we moved, all standing in our first position and almost instantly began to dance. “Be strong gentlemen, your frames are slacking.” Miss Olivia shouted over the music. “Stop complaining seconds.” She added, I heard laughter behind me, but I daren’t turn my head to look. The Seconds had been talking through most of the dancers, mostly complaining about how long it’d be before they could smoke again. I’d tried to zone them out time and time again, but I ended up listening to their conversations more than not. Arlo had noticed and told me to pay attention a few times but each time it had been quietly and without making a show of me.

  “Liquid Jacob.” Arlo commented raising his eyebrow at me as I walked away from the floor again, I picked up my bottle and turned away from him, resting my head against the wall as my head began to pulse. I closed my eyes tight until I was called back to the floor.

  “You alright son?” Arlo asked as he walked past me, he placed his hand on my shoulder so I looked at him, I watched as he examined my eyes, I nodded back to him. “Keep drinking yeah, if you need a minute, just leave don’t worry.” He said, I nodded to him again as I held my arms in fourth and began to dance through.

  I listened as Miss Olivia critiqued the ballerina whilst Arlo shouted at the second years playing Edward, they shouted over each other. Their voices piercing through my headache as they shouted. I took a big swig out of my bottle when I went to the sides again, coughing after I did, trying my hardest to keep the water down, then I wiped my head and my neck with my hand towel.

  “End of Act One.” Miss Olivia called, so I ran to the side, standing behind the chair that indicated the wing. I watched the beginning of the dance, gripping onto the chair tightly as I felt myself begin to sway. I closed my eyes taking in a deep breath as the swell in music came up that indicated I needed to start dancing so I moved to the centre of the floor where I’d been placed.

  I kept my eyes closed as I danced hoping I wouldn’t bump into anyone, until I stopped, touching my stomach as I felt a wave of water move through my stomach. I took another deep breath as I felt my gag reflect reacting, I closed my eyes, hoping I wouldn’t throw up.

  Which I didn’t.

  I swallowed it back down then turned to continue the dance but felt as my knees weakened, my head felt light and then it went dark.

  “Alright move away. Go for a break everybody.” I heard Arlo say but I couldn’t see him, not well anyway, it was like when I wasn’t wearing my glasses but instead of just fuzziness, I could see white dots. “Don’t fuss. Get out.” Arlo ordered; I closed my eyes again then felt a hand on my forehead.

  “He was drinking, wasn’t he?” Miss Olivia said, there was no reply.

  “Kian…” Arlo said,

  “He hasn’t been eating.” Kian said, then I felt a hand on my stomach, “it’s been weeks, but I wasn’t here this weekend. I don’t know… did he eat this weekend?”

  “Only ice cream.” Margo said, “I found him in the gym. He had run himself to almost exhaustion so I suggested ice cream, he ate it but I didn’t see him Saturday night, or Sunday. I didn’t think anything of it.”

  “Has he been keeping food down?” Arlo asked, there was no reply. “Okay.” He said, “Jacob.” He said softly, it must have been his hand against my head. “Jacob, open your eyes.” he said, so I did, looking up towards his voice. “Okay, we’re going to take you to your bedroom okay. Get some food down you.” He said, then he began to whisper, I didn’t hear it all but I did hear.

  “I’ll call his parents.”

  I woke with a start, I touched my quilt then lifted it to find I was just in my boxers, I could feel the coolness of the sheets against my back, as I continued to sweat.

  I swallowed hard, feeling as it got harder and harder until I sat up, I searched around my bed hoping there was something closer than the toilet to throw up into.

  There was a bucket at the side of my bed, so I threw up into it, then I sat on my bed and I cried, until there was a knock on my door. I looked at it, then went to welcome whoever knocked in, my voice felt hoarse as I began to talk, so I swallowed hard, even though a few tears still left my eyes. The door opened anyway.

  “You’re awake.” Arlo said, he sounded surprised I looked at him, I frowned confused at him because I could see him, then I rubbed my eyes, groaning as I did and taking the contacts out. “Okay.” Arlo said softly, he placed something on the end of my bed, then I felt him take my hands.

  He ran his fingers down two of mine, I presume taking the contacts off my fingers, then he passed me my glasses, I put them on then looked at him, he lifted my chin, looking straight into my eyes nodding his head towards the end of my bed, so I looked towards it. “I brought you some soup.” He said, I scowled at it. “You need to eat it Jacob.” He said as he pulled the tray closer to me, I sighed as I leant back against my headboard and actively attempted to eat the soup. “I’ve called your Dad; he’s coming in for a chat this afternoon. I’d like you to be present at this meeting.”

  “My Dad?” I repeated, he nodded as I cringed in-between slurping soup. “Which one?” I asked,

  “Mr. Whelan.” He said, I sighed.

  “Shit.” I sighed.

  “Finish your soup. I’ll send Kian to collect you thi
s afternoon, but only if you’re up to it.” he said, I nodded to him.

  “Arlo.” I said as he stood, he turned to look at me, “how badly have I fucked up?” I asked, he tilted his head at me.

  “Come to the meeting if you’re up for it.”

  Kian appeared what felt like hours later. I had remained lying in my bed for at least an hour before I felt too grubby and forced myself out of bed for a shower. I had felt one thousand times better once I had, then I sat on my bed in my joggers and the school hoodie because they were both soft and warm. I hadn’t touched my phone; I was too scared to.

  “How are you feeling?” Kian asked, I looked at him from where I’d perched on the edge of my bed hugging my knees to my chest.

  “Like shit.” I said, he smiled, “but better. I’ve kept the soup down.” I said looking at the empty bowl that was still at the end of my bed.

  “That’s good.” He said softly, “I’ve called Connor.”

  “Snitch.” I said half-heartedly, he smiled.

  “He said he’s available for hugs whenever necessary and suggested you go with him to your old home.” He said, I sighed.

  “I take it my Dad’s here.” I said, Kian nodded.

  “Good luck.” Kian whispered, I nodded to him standing from my bed and walking towards him. He slid his arm around my waist cuddling me close to him, and walking with me down to Arlo’s office. He kissed my cheek when we were outside, then he knocked, I nodded to him when Arlo welcomed me in. Max was sat on the chair opposite Arlo’s desk, they both looked at me when I walked in.

  I froze.

  “Come take a seat Jacob.” Arlo said, so I did closing the door behind me. “I have informed Max of what happened this morning. I have also spoken to Kian and Margo who have both informed me that they have noticed you haven’t been eating.” He said, I looked down at my legs. “Jacob this is serious.” He said, I looked at Max as he frowned at Arlo. “You understand students can only remain in this school if they are healthy, and are in control of their wellbeing. If this becomes an issue at any point there are counsellors and wellbeing officers on hand to talk to.”

  “I understand.” I muttered,

  “So, I’m sure you also understand that you cannot remain here whilst you are unwell.” He said, I looked at him,

  “You’re kicking me out.”

  “No.” Arlo snapped back at me, “I am putting you on sabbatical.”

  “Sabbatical?” I repeated, Arlo nodded as Max did.

  “I have spoken to Max in length before you arrived. We both agreed this is what is best for you.” He said, I frowned at him. “You will not attend any lessons, or take part in the Christmas ballet.” He said, I went to retaliate, Max put his hand on my leg, it stopped me instantly.

  “Come January, if you are in a better place. If you are eating, and are healthy you can begin to attend lessons again. Our counsellor will begin to meet with you regularly and then, if they feel you are appropriately recovered, and you also feel you are able you can begin boarding again.”

  “Arlo.” I moaned, he sighed,

  “Obviously this is a sensitive subject, and it can be difficult to understand what young ballet dancers go through, as a parent.” Arlo said, I saw Max smirk but he was trying to be the adult here.

  “I understand completely.” Max said, “as a ballet dancer myself.” He added then looked at me, I looked back at him.

  “I knew, I knew you from somewhere.” Arlo said, I frowned at him as Max did. “You competed didn’t you, years ago? You won gold.”

  “Arlo?” Max said, Arlo nodded to him, “Arlo won silver.” Max said to me, I frowned at him,

  “Maxwell Whelan. Of course, Max.” he said, Max almost laughed.

  “You know each other?” I said frowning at them, Max nodded to me,

  “Very well.” He replied, I groaned.

  “You slept with my teacher.” I said, Max looked at me. “Can we get back to me actually? I don’t want to know that.” I said, Arlo nodded looking back at me.

  “Let’s talk Jacob.”

  “This is your fault.” I said as I threw my bag at the couch, Max turned to look at me,

  “Excuse me?”

  “This is all your fault.” I stated, “why didn’t you tell me?” I shouted as I pushed him back, I saw his frown as he grabbed for my arms.

  “Tell you what Jacob?” He said, holding onto my forearms as I tried to fight against him. “Jacob, what?”

  “I’m too fat to be a ballet dancer.” I shouted back at him, he grabbed me harder so I looked away from him.

  “No, you are not.” He stated, I shook my head back at him.

  “I’m too fat, too short and don’t have a big enough dick. Why didn’t you tell me?” I shouted then pulled my arms out of his grasp, I turned away from him, crossing my arms over my stomach as I did.

  “Jacob I didn’t tell you, because it’s not true.” He said, I looked down as I felt tears running down my cheeks. “You’re healthy. Actually, you’re exceptionally healthy for a boy of eighteen. Your weight is in perfect proportion to your height, and I’m not even going to acknowledge your worries about your penis.” He said, I looked at him.

  “Jacob.” He sighed, I looked away again, until I felt his arms come around my shoulders, his chin on my head. “You’re perfect Jacob.” He whispered into my hair, I shook my head, sniffing in between the tears falling to my cheeks. “I don’t have this perfect ballet body.” He said, I leant my head back, I felt it as it rested on his chest. “I’ve never had this perfect ballet body.”

  “Frankie said...” I said in between tears,

  “Frankie said I was perfect for Pas De Deux.” He whispered, I sighed. “I was never stick thin. I never had an impressive bulge.” He said more into my ear, I laughed then covered my mouth.

  “You can dance Jacob. You’re an amazing ballet dancer, and that is what matters. Not how much you weigh, not your height, not how big your ballet belt is. How well you can dance.” He said, then squeezed me tight, I closed my eyes. “Your teachers will be harsh on you. Yeah? But you should only be listening to the ballet technique, not anything about your weight.” He said, so I turned to look at him, then wrapped my arms around his waist, he hugged me back, leaning his head on mine, placing a kiss on the top of my head, then cuddling me tighter.

  ��

  Chapter 8

  I stepped through the little cut out door of the garage walking up behind Connor who was under the hood of a car.

  I decided not to bother him, or startle him, instead I just sat on the table top that held a lot of tools I didn’t know the names of. It wasn’t too long before he looked up, turning towards me, smiling as he took out a pair of earphones and coming to me, he almost lifted me off the table as he hugged me.

  “Sorry I’m getting you all oily.” He said into my ear, but didn’t let up the hug. I just hugged him back tighter. “Kian told me everything.” He said, then he turned to look at me, I looked back at him. “How are you taking it?” he asked, I shook my head at him.

  “We just keep talking about it. I’m done with hearing about it, but they’re both in a show come next week so I should get some relief.” I said, he shook his head at me.

  “I won’t talk about it then.” He said, I tilted my head at him. “I am however sorry; I’m going to visit the home this afternoon.” He said, I nodded.

  “I know.” I replied, he frowned at me. “Kian told me.” I added almost mocking him, he laughed as he wiped his hands on a rag. “I want to come with you.” I said,

  “Are you sure about that? It’d seem you’d rather forget where you came from?” he said, raising his eyebrow as he turned away from me and looked back into the hood of the car, I began to nod slowly.

  “It’s been strange.” I said, he looked at me over my shoulder. “The idea of boarding scared me; I was terrified it was going to feel like being back at the home.” I said, he turned completely to me. “And I know I should appreciate how the home was.
I remember talking to Jack about his previous homes and they sounded like genuine nightmares, but as amazing as our home was, it was still a home.” I said, Connor nodded.

  “I’d agree but I don’t know any different.” He said, I looked down. “I get what you mean though feeling like boarding would be like going back. Did it?”

  “No.” I said shaking my head, “not at all.”

  “Are you embarrassed that you grew up in care?” he asked, I looked at him. “I’m not going to judge what you say, especially given you’re now a student at this prestige ballet school, which is kind of what is making me ask the question?”

  “I’m not well, this isn’t fair.” I said, he didn’t drop his stare, so I rolled my eyes. “I’m not embarrassed.” I said, “I just, don’t want to be defined as that kid who grew up in care and was a success story.”

  “Any kid that makes it out of the care system whether it’s through adoption, or turning eighteen is a success story Jacob.” He snapped, I sighed, “but I understand. I think… I think it’s a good thing you want to come with me, there’s someone you should definitely talk to.” He said, I sighed.

  “Don’t get pouty Kennedy.” He said simply so I laughed. “I finish at twelve, okay?” he asked, I turned to look towards the round white clock on the wall, the little red hand was ticking around, whilst the other two hands told me he only had ten minutes left. “Come help.” He added beckoning me to him with his finger, I shook my head. “Ballerina, get your hands dirty.” He stated, so I went to him, standing beside him knocking his shoulder against mine as he explained what was going on under the hood of the car.

  My legs felt a little weak as we walked from Connor’s car to the home. It hadn’t changed, at all and that for some reason sent a shiver down my spine. Connor took my hand as we began up the stairs to the front door.

  “It’s okay.” He said, I looked at him. “You’ll see a few ghosts but no poltergeists.” He said, I laughed shaking my head at him as he grinned at me then he rang the doorbell. “And the kids are at school, so…” he said as the door opened, my face broke into a smile the moment I saw Ste, his appeared to do exactly the same thing.