Light as a Feather

by Cameron James

  “Connor.” He said nodding, Connor nodded back then let go of my hand. “Jacob.” He said then he stepped towards me and hugged me, I hugged him back my grip tightening almost instantly. “I believe there’s something you need to tell me.” Ste said once I’d finally given up the hug, I looked away from him as he squeezed my shoulders.

  “I agree.” Connor said, I looked at him as Ste let us into the house, “Is he in?”

  “Of course he’s in.” Ste replied amused, “but he’s working so don’t bother him. It’s hard enough to get him working in the first place.” He said amused, Connor laughed.

  “I got into the National Ballet School.” I said, because I figured out what he was talking about. Ste nodded to me.

  “Congratulations.” He said happily, “I was over the moon to hear the news.” He said, I looked down. “Connor told me.” he whispered, I laughed as I looked at Connor, “He also told me you’re currently on a sabbatical.”

  “Things got a bit out of hand.” I said, he rubbed my shoulder.

  “If you want to talk?” he said, I nodded to him,

  “Thank you.” I replied, he smiled as he looked back at Connor.

  “I have a list for you. Which I let the kids compile themselves so, good luck.” He said, Connor laughed.

  “Great.” He said, Ste nodded.

  “I’ll go and get it, and him for you.” He said, then he smiled and walked towards his office, I went to follow him but Connor took my hand, leading me into the rec room. Which to me looked exactly the same except the computers we’d had had been replaced with laptops.

  “Look.” Connor said, as we walked towards the mural that we’d painted when we were nine.

  The house had been renovated, and in that the rec room had been built. Ste had let us decorate it with paint and spray cans, and one of the older kids, who was insanely good at graffiti art had wrote the house name on it. We all signed it when it was finished, and then any new kids got to sign it when they’d been in the house long enough.

  I walked towards the mural, smiling to myself as I ran my fingers over my name, my handwriting was not the neatest on the wall, the letters in my name all different sizes.

  “They still do it.” Connor said, so I looked towards where he was stood, he pointed up the wall to where a group of names were that I didn’t recognise. “Jack and I, we made sure the newbies did it, then it became tradition.” He said, then he smiled at me. “The little ones used to choose a name on the wall and ask us to tell them about the name they’d chosen.” He said, I laughed.

  “What did you say about me?” I asked, Connor smiled.

  “Ballerina.” He replied, I laughed as he held his hand out, so I took it and let him lead me to the office,

  "Some people would like to see you." Ste said as he leant on the door of the office, he passed Connor a piece of paper then turned to look into the office. "You can take some time out; the kids aren't due home for a few hours." He added amused, then he smiled at us. "You will teach ballet to our little dears, and I'd like you to talk to Riley, he likes cars. A lot." He said amused, Connor laughed.

  "I'll talk to him, might be able to get him to the garage."

  "That'd be great," Ste said, his sigh sounded happy. "He's taking his theory in a few weeks. He loves cars probably as much as you love ballet." He said, I laughed then looked at Connor.

  "That's a hell of a lot." I said, Ste laughed as Jack appeared in the doorway, pushing his shirt sleeves up as he smiled at us. I marvelled at how much he actually looked like an adult, before my brain connected that it was Jack before me.

  "Jack?" I said, he laughed,

  "Jack." Connor said, he sounded quite affectionate then he hugged him, they kissed each other's cheeks. I frowned at Connor as he took a step back, he tilted his head at me, it kind of told me he'd explain later.

  "Go on, be free. I want you back by half two though." He said, Jack nodded to him.

  "I'll be back for Emmett's daily football tournament." He said amused, we both laughed as Ste smiled at him and went back into the office. "He likes to play football against me, always has. He especially likes to beat me."

  "But..." Connor said,

  "Oh, I let them win." Jack said amused, as he walked us to a coffee shop, we sat around a little round table on tall chairs. "Drinks on me, what do you want?"

  "Latte." Connor said, I raised an eyebrow at him, so he laughed.

  "Are you sure?" I said, Jack nodded as he went into his wallet. He held a card up to us. I recognised it, because it looked like the one Ste used to carry around.

  "Yeah. On me." He said,

  "Mango cooler." I said, he nodded, I touched Connor's hand.

  "We started having sex when I was fifteen." He said, then he looked straight at me, I raised my eyebrow at him.

  "So, when you told me you'd lost your virginity, to some guy. It was Jack?"

  "It was Jack." He agreed then he exhaled, "and pretty much every time following until a few months ago."

  "Shit." I said in a laugh, Connor smiled at me, "why didn't you tell me?"

  "Because it was Jack." He said, then turned his head to look at him. "I loved him, and although I know you changed your mind on him, I still felt as if..."

  "I'd judge you?"

  "No." He said, then he laughed softly. "Yes. Will you honestly sit there and look me in the eye, saying you wouldn't have judged me, even a little?" He asked, I shrugged so he smirked.

  "Why did you guys stop having sex?" I asked, "or were you boyfriends?"

  "With lack of a better word." He said, then he looked down. "It got strange." He said, "I'm sure Jack will tell you why he's at the home, but he was eighteen. He quickly found out everything about everything.

  He knew all my therapist notes, all my triggers, all about me, and although it was a comfort when I was sixteen, when I left the home it got a bit, I don't know, irritating." He sighed, "he appreciated certain things, like he appreciated that I like to listen to music during sex."

  "I can fully believe that." I said, Connor smiled at me.

  "Kian enjoys it far more than I'd have ever imagined." He said, then he shook his head as if to get him back on track. "It was kind of like, every sentence went something like I know I shouldn't say this because it'll have this effect on you, but if we do this it'll calm you." He rolled his eyes, "I got to this point where I was pissed off with him. I told him I wasn't my disorder. If anything, that's a minuscule part of me. I might have crossed the line." He said, I frowned at him,

  "I asked him if he wanted me to associate him with his depression, if he'd prefer me to dance around it every single time we met up." He sighed as I chewed on my lip. "We agreed there and then, that it stops. We always agreed the moment it wasn't working anymore that was it, and well that was it."

  "Then I introduced you to Kian."

  "Then, that." He agreed I smiled as Jack came towards the table. He placed the plastic cup down in front of me, the the mug in front of Connor, he placed his own mug down then took the tray back to the table. He retook his seat. "Tell him how you ended up in the home." Connor said, Jack smiled after drinking from his mug.

  "He knows that. He was there on my first day when I was fifteen." He said, then he smirked at Connor as he laughed,

  "You work there?" I asked, he nodded.

  "Now I do." He said, then placed his mug down. "Obviously I was never adopted." He said, I frowned at him. "I was a little shit, for starters, but ultimately I didn't want to be adopted, so whatever. I was talking to Ste before I tuned eighteen. He likes to know if we have prospects.

  I told him I had no idea what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be, but I did mention to him that the idea of being a therapist intrigued me." He took another sip out of his mug as Connor and I did.

  "Obviously that didn't come off, but Ste suggested I did health and social, so I did, but I stayed in the home. He had me do odd jobs, and once I learnt how to drive he started to get me to ferry the kids to and from e
xtracurricular.

  I did a qualification in social work when I was nineteen, then I looked into residential worker. It was the beginning of this year I got a job officially, and I actually love it. The kids are amazing." He said softly, then smiled at Connor, who smiled back.

  "You're almost like a different person." I said, Jack nodded.

  "I feel like a different person. I helped one of the kids recently, he was feeling low. Many adoption meetings had fell through, he was not in a good place. I got him out of the dark.

  Well, I won't take all the credit. He worked damn hard in himself but he didn’t do anything..." He said, then stroked his wrist until his fingers knocked against his watch. “…Extreme.” He said, then he looked at me.

  I closed my eyes, because the night, when I was fourteen that I’d found Jack in our bathroom with bloody wrists still haunted me sometimes. “Connor mentioned to me that you were going through battling some mental demons.” Jack said, I looked at him. “He’s been gushing about you being in this ballet school for months no word of a lie, but recently he said he was worried about you.” He said, I looked at Connor.

  “Well, I was.” He said, “still kind of am.” He added, I sighed.

  “I’m by no means suggesting that you talk to me, or that I’d be any kind of help, but if you want…” Jack said, I looked at him.

  “What made you so...”

  “Depressed?” Jack asked, I sighed but I nodded. “I figure it was multiple things.” He replied. “There was definitely not one definite thing. There was my parents dying, my shithole of a home. You know, my life was in fact a bed of roses.” He said,

  “So, why did you do it once you got a good deal?”

  “Because it scared me.” He said, I frowned at him. “I was waiting for something to go wrong, and when it didn’t go wrong.”

  “You made it go wrong.” I said, he nodded.

  “I never did it again.” Jack stated, “after then, because Ste was so attentive, even you and Adam, there was such love there the thought never actually occurred to me again.”

  “So, you’re not depressed anymore?” I asked, he laughed softly.

  “Sometimes. Yeah, I am. I feel better but I’m not cured. It’s not like you flip a switch and turn the depression off, it’s more of a dimmer switch.”

  “Some day’s it’s less, some days it more.” I said, he nodded.

  “How did you get to this point though?”

  “I admitted I had a problem.” He said softly, I sighed. “I admitted I had depression, but that didn’t mean that it was my fault.” He said, I looked at him. “Connor said you haven’t been eating, but you won’t admit it.” he said, I shook my head.

  “That wasn’t what was happening, I was just missing some meals. I didn’t.”

  “And throwing them back up?” Jack said, I winced.

  “Madame Rose told me I needed to lose weight, so did Miss Olivia.” I said, Connor frowned at me, I frowned right back at him.

  “Kian told me that they wanted you to gain muscle.” He said,

  “Yeah, code for lose weight.” I said, they both shook their heads almost in perfect synchronization. “What?” I asked quietly,

  “Jacob, they wanted you to be stronger, not thinner.”

  “And even if they wanted you to lose weight, stopping eating is not the way to do that.” Jack said, I scowled at the mango cooler in front of me, every sip I’d taken had tasted remarkably like cardboard.

  “You don’t understand ballet school is hard.” I stated, I saw as Jack touched Connor’s elbow, it was as if he was telling him not to reply.

  “Okay.” Jack said, I looked at him, “okay, yes ballet school must be difficult, I can’t imagine I’ve ever done something as physically demanding as ballet school.” He said, I looked at him. “But anorexia is never the answer. To anything.”

  “I’m not anorexic.” I said, Jack raised his eyebrow at me, “I’m not. In our monthly medical checks the nurse said I was an average and normal weight. So did Max.” I said, Jack sighed. “I’ll be fine.” I stated, “I will, I’ll be back in school in January. It’ll be like nothing happened; I made a mistake.” I stated, “I just made a mistake.”

  “This was by far the best room of the house.” Connor said from behind me, it didn’t even make me jump as I stood in what had been my bedroom, and then Connor’s. Now it appeared to belong to a very young boy given the toys that were scattered around the room.

  “I want to be alone.”

  “No knock policy.” Connor replied, I turned to look at him as he smiled at me. “Brings back memories?” he asked, I nodded.

  “When we kissed.” I said, he laughed as he came to stand beside me,

  “Your first pointes.”

  “You sewed the ribbons on for me.” I replied, he smiled.

  “The first night I was here, when we were four.” He said, I laughed in a sigh.

  “You came in here and we slept in the same bed.”

  “Ste didn’t even tell us off, he just smiled at us and told us it was time for breakfast.”

  “Our first day of school.” I said, Connor nodded, “Ste got us both ready in here, and told us to look after each other.”

  “The first time we watched porn.” He whispered, I laughed covering my mouth,

  “Adam caught us.” I said laughing,

  “The day you got adopted.” Connor said, I turned to look him. “You brought me in here, and you told me that you wanted me to have your bedroom.” He said, I nodded, “and that night.” he added,

  “What happened that night?” I whispered,

  “I slept in your bed before moving any of my stuff over. I cried for most of the night.” he said, I hugged him almost instantly, he laughed into my ear as I cuddled him. “I’m sorry if you felt ambushed before.” He said, I looked at him. “I’m just sick to the stomach worried about you.” He said, I nodded.

  “I know you are.” I whispered, then I swallowed hard, “I’m going to see the school counsellor tomorrow.” I said, he nodded lifting my chin.

  “Tell me what he says, okay?” he asked, I nodded. “And come downstairs. Ste wants you to teach ballet to a group of very excited little girls.” He said then began to laugh, so I laughed with him.

  ***

  “Thank you for coming to see me.” the school counsellor, who had told me I could call him Ash said, as Max and Cameron sat either side of me on the couch opposite from him.

  I’d already been in his room for half an hour, we’d gotten as far as introducing ourselves to each other and then sat in silence for the remaining twenty-seven minutes and fifty-four seconds, until he gave and invited my parent’s in.

  “I have spoken with Jacob’s teachers, and I am aware of the incident that happened last week; however, Jacob still seems a little reluctant to talk to me.” Ash said warily,

  “Is that because he’s attractive?” Cameron whispered directly into my ear, I laughed looking at him, I saw as Ash smiled, so I looked back at him.

  “How about we start with the incident, and not focus on the lead up to it.” Ash said, I eyed him warily, “Arlo, said he noticed you not drinking in between your dances.” He said softly, he didn’t say it as if it was a question, it was simply a statement.

  “No.” I said, he seemed mildly surprised I’d replied to him.

  “Why is that Jacob?”

  “Because I didn’t want to throw up.” I replied, every adult in the room looked at me, but I kept my eyes firmly on Ash’s.

  “Did you feel sick?”

  “After I drank the first bit of water. Yes.”

  “Did you inform Arlo, or another of your teachers?” he asked, I shook my head. “Any of your friends?” he asked, I shook my head again. “Why not?”

  “They were all busy. I was busy.”

  “Okay.” He said nodding. “Had you eaten prior to this rehearsal?” he asked, I shook my head slowly to him. “Why is that?”

  “I forgot.” I whispered, />
  “And the night before?”

  “I forgot.” I repeated, I saw Max wince out the corner of my eyes, so I turned my head so I couldn’t see him at all

  “Okay.” Ash said warily, “were you afraid you’d throw up, if you ate?” he asked, I nodded to him, he began to nod back. “Jacob, have you been feeling self-conscious about eating in front of your peers?” he asked, I shrugged at him. “Do you eat of a night?”

  “No.” I replied, he ticked something on his sheet.

  “Have you been exercising more often?” he asked, I nodded,

  “But I’m at a ballet school. I have to.” I said, Ash nodded although I don’t believe it was an agreement.

  “Jacob, have you been having erections, wet dreams, or masturbating?” he asked, I sat up with the shock of the question, I felt Cameron touch my shoulder so I looked at him.

  “I, I…” I said, then I thought about the answer, I shook my head frowning at him as I did.

  “Have sexual experiences been, at lack of a better word, disappointing for you?” he asked, I nodded almost instantly because after listening to Margo, Kian and Connor talk. Sex was not supposed to be as disappointing as it was.

  “Have you been drinking excessive alcohol?” he asked, I frowned.

  “No.” I said, he nodded to me.

  “Have either of you noticed a difference in Jacob?” Ash asked, I looked at Cameron first, who looked over my head at Max so I also looked at him.

  “He stopped coming home.” Max said, Ash frowned as he nodded. “To help with immediate pointe, and for Sunday lunch.” He said, Ash scribbled something down.

  “I feel like he’s lost a lot of confidence.” Cameron said, I turned to look at him as Ash nodded, “He used to be so ballsy, shit wouldn’t stick to him, should we say.” He said, Ash nodded,

  “When did you notice this change?”

  “Just before he came here, then it’s gotten gradually more noticeable over the last few months.” He said, “I mean, I know we’ve only had him for four years but I’ve noticed it recently.”